Low CO2 at ER

    At the ER I had low CO2 levels. that doesn't happen unless you're not getting enough oxygen. I've had trouble using the CPAP machine. Hallucinations can result from low oxygen levels. Or not eating enough. Whatever the initial cause was, I think the low CO2 levels mean more then the rest of what they found. I've gotten a lot of heat for the CPAP machine. Hospitals don't like it. Centers don't like it. It takes maintenance, it is loud, it is messy with the cables and tubes. I wasn't using it enough. the losses of consciousness, the hallucinations... I need to eat more and to use the CPAP more. My body's not that strong. 

Bubble Boy

    So here's something strange. Honestly, I don't feel like I've put a huge amount of conscious thought into this VNS device. It's one of those things that I don't feel I should try to understand that much, and it seems strange to me that people would want to know unless they have to. But the device is quite peculiar, and unfortunately by now I've had so many doctors, I was rather preferring to resign myself to being managed rather than actually managing all this. 

    Yet, in 2020, I made that decision to try being more natural. I've questioned that decision every single day. First it was no more Clozaril. Then it was the CPAP I started using less. Now it's the VNS. Now I'm having to use the CPAP again. Decrease one medication or intervention, back to another.

    The neurologist no more a fan of the VNS decision than the psychiatrist about the Clozaril. At least I avoided feeling the need to threaten a lawsuit. My popularity among the doctors has plummeted. 

    It was foolish to think that I could make these changes and not attract attention. The more quietly I try to live, the more attention I seem to attract. I can't hide in the shadows forever, but how someone this medically complex lives a quiet life in the community while remaining in contact with other people seems to be beyond anyone's understanding on this earth. 

    I had struggled so much that I wanted to help other people understand. Then I face all the problems, and it seems like I'll be spending the rest of my life working them out.

    I have collected many letters along the way. Medical terminology. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Where do you start with that many problems? I'm giving "strange" a new definition every day.

    The VNS was turned down in frequency on February 25th. If the neurologist could have seemed more hesitant to do so I'm not sure how. Damn thing was making talking and swallowing difficult, and when you feel like you're drowning in saliva then you know you have a problem or two.

    I've noticed a few things. First, these weird sensations in my head. at times the right side of my head throbs some down the temple, but more often the left side. then there's this isolated sensation that feels like the left hemisphere or right hemisphere pulsing. I don't even know the terminology for these sensations, but they can be quite distinct. Knowing that this device is used more for seizures then mental health is not particularly alarming to me, but I feel very aware of that fact and how much I use electronic devices and have sensitivity to loud noises or bright lights. I went from being numb and completely regulated to all sorts of weird feelings. 

    I would have rather left the journaling to the doctors but given how much this takes out of my life and how uncommon my life is, what can you do other than write about it and hope that somehow someone learns something. And I'd rather not spend the remainder of my life as a specimen. It's taken so much of my time.

    I want so much to write about normal stuff and then end up doing nothing because my life is anything but normal. The amount of resentment in my heart... then they're like oh but you're strong! and I'm like, screw that. I'd like some new emotions please. But that's not how it works. I can't journal what I don't experience, can't talk about what I don't experience, can't do what isn't related to my biology or experiences. Then I'm looking for the cans. Today I can feel chest pain. swelling in my feet and they seem harder to move. Blood pressure has been funky. 

    When the VNS was first turned down, I had to remember how to breathe more naturally. There were times I stopped breathing. The dust allergy seems the least of it but it's easier to focus on that then the weird stuff that comes up with the VNS. It's truly quite disturbing. But I can't ignore it. Not when 911 becomes involved. Not when your social circle is limited to medical personnel. There's not enough denial in the world to hold that together.

PRISMO

Call the 911… for your emergency

Go to PRISMO… you’ll have emergencies

 

Bounce from offices

They all have the sign

Pretty colors… but they’re so ugly

 

In the ER, we don’t want to know

We got you programmed

So our lies can flow

 

Been here before?

We don’t know your name

It’s on the chart

But we’ll keep ask anyway.

Cuz we got games to play.

 

You got a problem??

We’ll manipulate

Enough offices…

To bounce the problems around.

 

You got ethics?

Don’t deny this.

It’s fucked as shit

 

You got a program?

You got drones too

 

You know what?

There are people in this community

That you belong to.

 

So take some feedback

And don’t deny it.

 

You don’t threaten me in the ER

You don’t play games with me

It’s no longer funny.

And you can’t control me too.

Cuz we got eyes and ears too.

 

You got some lawyers?

Community has lawyers too.

More then a few.

 

You’re there for emergencies

Don’t pretend otherwise

You’re here to stay?

SO AM I.

 

You got choices?

SO DO I.

 

You got records, cameras and microphones?

Play them publicly

See what happens.

Lose your state funds

And you could go down.

You play every second.

You could go down.

I may be ugly.

So are you.

 

You call it PRISMO?

Sounds like prison to me.

 

You might hurt me.

It’ll come back to you.

Bounce the pain around

Take the survey. Put it in lost and found.

 

Scrub your records.

You can’t scrub me.

You wanna yell at me?

I got a voice too.

 

Find another name for abuse.

That name will find you.

You need some feedback?

Here it is for you.

 

Don’t sabotage the community

Because they find you.

And they got lawyers too.

More then a few.

You got names yeah?

We got names too.

There's not enough people to blame

When you create blame too.

Written 2025, Accountec, LLC

Running

One foot in front of the other

We all sprint for the finish line.

Key in the ignition

The pistons fall into motion

Neuron charge to neuron charge

My head goes round in circles

I wanna run the distance

It’s oh so long a trail

Paranoid I turn my head

And there you are a following

I wanna be beautiful too

Just like you

The engine runs

But it’s falling apart

Frightened, I turn to you

Running my fingers down your face

Tracing something that can’t be traced

Following an invisible course

Into your consciousness

I find my place

Down here in front of you

Reaching up through space

To try to reach into your consciousness

I cannot break your consciousness

So close and yet so far

Carefully, slowly, my finger withdraws

Fill this pause up

With words that remain unsaid

All the world up in your eyes

Break me, hate me, just hear my words!

I know your future holds great things

And I’d never wish to destroy what it brings

I won’t blame you if you run…

I will still find my way when this is done.

All I desire is shelter from the storm,

And I find that here with you.

I will still be running after you’re gone

I will still be running once you’ve flown

The pistons are turning

My light is still burning

Spread your wings my friend

Spread your wings

It’s time to fly

This is how our friendship ends

In the simple word goodbye.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

Inspiration

Inspiration is a demon

And it watches me.

I’d rather not hear the clock.

When fingers move of their own accord

I fear the consequences.

Check, check, recheck.

I’d like to have fewer opinions

Yours or mine,

It makes no difference.

When fingers are like machine guns…

Then you have a problem.

Why they move, I do not know.

Yet they insist on doing so.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

3.28.2025

    This iz yor FABORITE arachnid here, Spidey! A warm shout out to di Angels ob di Nort Wing ob di castle. Serbin di fiercest since 1969! 

The Kill Switch

    Again, this is not an advice or gossip column. But I will say this: you know someone with a dissociative disorder, you don't mess with it. It's not a good idea. Playing with fire. If you have to, you keep them grounded, you don't try to save them. There is no saving someone in dissociation. You can tell from the eyes. The faraway look. Sometimes it is simply a chemical or drug reaction. For me it's not that simple.

    I've seen it with other people. A man with PTSD. War vet. Faraway. The Theranos founder. Never met her. No doubt in my mind that she was dissociating. You don't do that much, go that far, have such a dark past, fool that many people, or crash that violently without disconnecting and reconnecting to reality. If she doesn't have a dissociative disorder, then I'm Donald Trump.

    That said, I think I have it all mapped out. Now I'm going with numbers, to protect my privacy. Anyways, there's 8. I have the origins and the activities, and the time periods and circumstances of activation more clearly mapped out. I wanted fewer because the more you have, the harder it is to learn and to control. They have similarities and differences. They were created and activated at different times. Certain people and places bring different ones out. Certain memories bring different ones out. 

    With classic PTSD, it's a specific set of memories and triggers. With complex PTSD or DID, it really does get complicated. Multiple sets of memories, skillsets, triggers.

    When one or more of these sets gets too activated, it can look like Bipolar. It's more like a system overload or dissociation. The drugs suppress the dissociation. They don't make the past go away. That's why they are called anti-psychotics. Psychosis is a permanent break caused by chemical imbalances that generally require medication to suppress, and they respond to that medication. I don't hear messages in the world. I don't see external patterns. They are internal messages and patterns, and they stay internal until you work them out and even then, the memories are still there but they don't trigger dissociation. The antipsychotics simply disable me for a time, with dissociation still running in the background.

    Generally, when that happens, I feel unsafe. Then I have the kill switch. That starts with telling someone. A professional. Gotta shut it down. Like a computer. I try to keep it simple. System overload. Shut it down. Maintenance time. Take me offline.

Presence

Your Presence is like a smile in my soul

When darkness preys on my mind

I think of you and my heart is warm.

 

Your voice is like a song in my heart

The words are verse and the tone is the melody

It makes me strong just to hear you call

 

Your eyes are the looking glass I hold dear

Within them I see everything that we are

A gallery of memories shining brightly through

 

Dance with me, we’ll make our own tune

Laughter that echoes louder than a symphony

And more sweetly then the finest chimes.

It echoes forever through the sands of time.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Trigger

For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a wildfire, there is nothing but death remaining. Ashes had seen a few wildfires in his time. In fact, that is how she found him.

It had been a day like any other day, back in another lifetime, when he had used a different name and lived a completely different life. Flames of hatred came down on him daily, until they consumed him. When there was just a shell of a person left, he was thrown out of the home he had known and was to never return.

So he wandered aimlessly, a broken shell looking for something that broken people can’t find: love, compassion, acceptance. He worked odd jobs and found shelter where he could. It wore on him. Always a different place, low pay, total isolation. 

He found himself in a store, staring at the food on display, yet with no coin to buy any. It would be so easy just to take some. He was so very hungry and discouraged. He noticed a strange scent of grass in the air and his skin tingled with goosebumps and a shiver. He turned and scanned the store, his eyes darting between the handful of customers and the suspicious looking clerk, then at the door. He felt a warmth on the back of his neck like a blown breath and spun around, knocking over two displays and tumbling to the floor to the sound of laughter and the sharp voice of the clerk. Angry, he jumped to his feet, primed for a fight, but the clerk and the customers merely stared at him, seemingly oblivious. A girlish giggle erupted behind him and he spun around again, only to face empty space. He heard the voice of the clerk speaking into the phone, and then a panicked whisper.

“Run!”

And he ran.

He’d never forget the day he met her.

Suddenly a burst of laughter erupted right behind him. 

Jess had a way of sparkling. She was a light. A beacon. She loved life and she loved to celebrate life. We found each other seemingly by accident. For her it was fate. She never asked him. To her there was no question.

They had a connection like no other. She understood his boldness, his strong willed spirit. He knew she would stand by him, right or wrong, for better or for worse. She was the first voice he heard. Anyone who had her trust had his as well.

They were one that was two, brought together for a purpose.

You see, when Jess found Ashes, he was drifting. He was in a life that wasn’t working, but surrounded by people determined to keep him there. Sometimes persistence is a wonderful thing. But Ashes hadn’t learned when to quit. Sometimes two people are looking for each other without even knowing it. Then they found each other, and at that point he was ready to change. 

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Interrogation

 There was a loud impact not 30 yards off, followed by something or someone crashing through brush and over rough terrain. Then Ashes realized that there was not one, but two creatures hurtling straight towards him, obscured by thicket and trees. As his ears attuned to the chaos, he realized that one was chasing the other, though the front runner moved with agility and much greater speed. At the same time, he heard a loud bird call in the distance, which could only mean that Diamond was moving towards with all haste. For a split second Ashes’ mind went from the runners to Sarah to Jenn and back and forth until suddenly he began breathing again and clarity and context returned to his consciousness. 

Eddie burst out of the brush, his tongue lolling despite himself. Jess could be heard whimpering not far behind.

For a moment they just stared at each other, Eddie eying the tree line across the road and Ashes too stunned to react. 

“Hey there!” a sweet voice called. Eddie and Ashes both looked to the East to see Diamond smiling at Eddie as she casually walked over, as if they were good friends. 

To Ashes’s surprise, the strange creature stepped forward to meet her, and even licked her hand. Then Jess came crashing and limping out of the forest, and Ashes rushed to help her. Sarah kept talking to Eddie and even had him doing tricks by the time Jess’s sprained ankle was ready to move again. Even Jenn seemed flabber ghasted. Sarah certainly had her way.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Vigilance

 Sarah was poised, motionless, on a large tree branch near the point where the trail looped back around the perimeter towards the footbridge by the clearing. Her eyes were closed and her brow furrowed in focus as she listened. Above the rustle of the faint breeze she could hear the faint sound of the water moving down the riverbed. Birds called and the occasional squirrel darted about.

This is where she belonged, out in the world, losing herself in the flow of time. Her body was like a metronome set to the rhythm of nature. She did not miss a thing. Today she was perfectly in tune. She needed to be. The gang really needed this.

The sun was sifting through the trees, the air warm and calm. She smiled as she watched the birds 

That’s when she heard the scream.  

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Meanwhile...

 “I don’t know vhat you see in this stuff.” Vlad said as he sipped a fresh glass of gnat juice.

Dat bat. Nebber before had ennyone gotten so far under Spidey’s carapace. He was worse den a can ob Ortho Home Defense. Now he had di nerb to insult Spidey’s specialty beverage. 

“I tell you vhat is truly delightful, a nice bottle of A negative with extra platelets. Last time I flew by DI/LO they were having a sale… 4 pint barrels, 2 for a forearm. Vhy, there were undead lining up past the rusted gates. I saw one ripping off an arm near the entrance. It was to live for!”

All dis talk about di dead. And nebber enough about DI/LO. Vlad’s eyes just light up when he talks about blood. On and on, di types and di qualities ob di stuff. Drive an arachnid just plain webby. Worse, now der were udders around, the bat tells me. Humans! 

“Quite dull around this wooden castle. Reminds me of my uncle Boromir. We used to call him Bor. He never figured out why. You know what hits the spot? A vell chilled glass of A negative. I vonder if they still have that sale…”

Spidey almost got him out the window when he thought to stay to see if the humans returned. 

Vlad set his glass down and flew to the rafters again. “It’s getting late in the day.”

He had dat look agin. Good thing Spidey doesn’t bleed.

“I vonder vhen those humans will return.” He said, gazing wistfully out di window.

Spidey crawled to the corner and started spinning thread. Too many guests! Spidey channel his frustration into his labor. Maybe start a whole new cobweb. 

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Hunter and Hunted

 What I wouldn’t give to be more like Sarah. Don’t get me wrong, being invisible has its perks, but it’s not much use if you’re uncoordinated and trying to track someone through the wilderness. Sarah was so graceful that stealth came naturally to her. She could sneak up on people easily, even pick pockets, all while being perfectly visible. It was hard not to be jealous.

I had stopped by every flower on the way here, even picking a few. Flowers, bright colors, and strays were some of my favorite things. 

After many broken branches and falls, I was nearing the reservoir on the North side of the preserve. I stopped to take a breath.

Sarah had become like a big sister to me. She had such poise and presence, could fly under the radar or command attention as she pleased. Yet she never seemed to need attention, somehow social and independent at the same time. She could easily laugh or be serious on the spot. She had a calm confidence, good intuition, and good instincts. Honestly, she almost sparkles. 

She’s out there somewhere…

I caught the scent the moment they arrived, just like I always did after I was bitten by that animal. Three. Distinctly human. The loud one had an aura almost like flowers mixed with fear. One slunk along in near silence, but this nose is not so easily deceived. She had a more natural odor, earthy with a hint of sweat. The third had a most interesting scent of dying embers. A more foolish nose would take it for that of cigarettes, but it lacked the reek of tobacco. 

The sounds and scents were quite exquisite and were notably absent of the contaminations that were so common in settled areas… soaps, perfumes, bug spray, sunscreen, etc. Intriguing. I had to know more, and so I slipped through the brush, circling until I was behind the loudness, creeping ever closer to its source…

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Reprieve

 Ocean waves press the sand as wisps of cloud skirt the edge of the skies.

The bluest waters caress the land as sunlight shines bright in my weary eyes

I built a strongpoint upon a crag, to keep myself true and rest my mind

Watchers, walls and towers with flags, to protect what’s left of my ability to be kind

I strive to release the slights of the past, for wisdom builds what a fool destroys

Night creeps in and the cold wind blasts, yet the flame of faith, the darkness avoids

When someday my strength falters and at last gives way

I’ll rise to the altar, thanking God, I pray.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Safe Harbor

 The skies were dark the other day

My compass had lost true North

I turned to face the wind away

Searched the horizon and set my course

 

A lighthouse blinks off in the distance

As blasts of wind break the waters anew

And doubt creeps into my weary conscience

Yet will and word with faith stay true.

 

And so my ship cuts through the ocean

With gusts and swell it shudders and rolls

My soul, it bursts with relief and emotion

As I pass the shadows and beyond the shoals.

 

At last some sunlight breaks through the shroud

With the calming waters of the harbor in view

I sail past the breakers and the sun through the clouds

As the dark skies and waters turn bright and blue.

 

The storm is behind me and fading fast

Tears rise up as strife fades into the past

The docks draw closer with help standing ready

With Joy, I realize my ship sailed steady.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Monument

It casts a long shadow (and really it should)

You spent a long time perfecting the story

Controlling every detail you possibly could

In an epic indulgence in pride and glory.

 

Block by block you built the pedestal

Your pride mounting with every stone

Until it became truly monumental

And even surrounded, it stands alone.

 

Many labored to erect these stones

Yet there is only name this monument saves

The other names remain lost and unknown

This statue marks their struggles like a grave

 

With such careful chiseling, the narrative is well defined

The unmoving stone standing cold and lifeless

Just like its inspiration became in time

And yet this stone will always know best.

 

Yet a crack is spreading through the foundation

Belying the rage behind that cold visage

A symptom of the wrongs and rationalizations

That allowed you to maintain your mental mirage.

 

Even the stars seem to surround this prize

Making it the center of its own universe.

Yet this glory leads it to its own demise

Pride is a blessing that becomes a curse.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Attraction

A glance, a word, a smile…

Laughter in the dark.

A whisper, a nod, a wink…

A match, a flame, a spark!

 

Take my hand, let’s make our plans

Of what we will be together

For a day, an hour, or just one moment

Or perhaps even forever!

 

Like lightning flash & thunder crash

You electrify and excite me

Like magnetic wave as emotions rage

You capture and energize me

 

The sparkle in your eye is what tells me why

You make my world so bright

Words soon fail, I’m flushed then pale

The moment you come into sight.

 

With Siren’s call you assail my walls.

How long can I resist?

My heart beats faster, I fear a disaster

From rushing into this tryst.

 

The touch of your hand, I can’t withstand

The burning flames of joy and desire.

With our words like a dance, so begins romance.

The intensity couldn’t be higher!

 

Night fades to day and we laugh our passions away

And cherish the time that we spent.

As we say goodbye, I see the look in your eye

And within it each precious moment

 

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Pieces of Us

With a gentle, heartfelt, goodbye kiss

I smile and take my leave of you

Yet a piece of me shall stay to reminisce

Because you’re a part of me now too.

Now is not the time to grieve nor tarry

Fly free, love, and find something new

Yet cherish these memories we both carry

And know I’m always here with you.

Always remember that the sun will rise again

And embrace me as we prepare to part

Please smile for me as you and I end

And always and forever keep an open heart

I know I cannot lean hard on your shoulder

With all we’ve been through it wouldn’t be fair

With each moment that passes our love grows older

Can we simply smile on the memories we share?

I cherish the life that we had together

Even after it’s done and through

Look to the horizon beyond this stormy weather

The light shines down to something new

Love is like a kaleidoscope

The swirling colors bring me hope

In life, like the colors, we dance as one

All just shards of the light of the sun.

Goodbye, my love, we’ll meet once more

We’ll tear down the walls and forget our wars

I’ll be a better man for this sorrow

If I can find the serenity to get to tomorrow.

Parting is hell, but loving is bliss.

Take my hand, let’s end with a kiss.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

The Echo Chamber

 Empty space surrounds me

Stretching out into the shadows

The echoes are loud here.

My head splitting with the sound.

A yell comes back again and again to assail me.

A whisper never fails to revisit me.

A cry of anguish! a laugh! a lie!

NOTHING dies in the echo chamber!

Not even a thought.

CAN YOU HEAR ME???

My voice is lost in the echoes of what you say…

Long before it reaches you.

As loud as I shout, you never hear my voice

You say you miss me

But who do you miss?

You’re so fixed on your own words

That I think you miss a ghost of your imagination.

I am not a pawn and this is not a game to play.

I scratch these words upon the walls…

Even as your echoes call.

Perhaps you’ll see them at last someday

Long after we’re done and I’m gone away.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Flutter

It rests alone in overcast fields

A wisp of cloth upon the grass

A breeze picks up and the cloth it steals

Slipping it away like a cherished time passed

 

I’m wondering what the lettering might say

As the wind persists to blast and blow

Lifting it higher and on its way

The fabric flutters, flutters, and flows

 

The sun’s kind rays will kiss the threads

Its blessing warm and bright

On cloth upon which no foot treads

Just a square of red and white

 

The breeze must not spoil its face

As it flutters so bright and gay

I’m wondering where it will find its place

As it flutters and flows away.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Disconnect

  The voice on the phone was familiar to him and still talking, but he had stopped listening several minutes ago. She obviously didn't realize this because the cadence did not change. He was far away, floating somewhere far above where he lay sprawled on the floor, his tense hand still clutching the cold receiver in some sort of karate death grip. His breaths were slow and shallow, his body motionless, and from the vacant look in his eye, one might mistake him for dead and gone. But Eddie was very much alive on a physical level, even if emotionally he was numb. He could still hear her words in the distance. He didn't really need to hear them. He knew what the message was. In some sense he had seen this coming. He never acknowledged it, of course, but the gnawing dread, the feeling of falling, had been there in the background for quite some time. The words themselves were unimportant and expected, words like "time", "space", and "different". Yet somehow he couldn't believe that the voice saying these words belonged to her, the one person he thought would be different, the one voice he thought that finally understood him after all those years, the voice that belonged to the sweetest, most beautiful girl that had ever entered his life. He wanted to buy into the idea that this was temporary, that this didn't mean she was gone. But deep inside he knew it was inevitable. She was no longer a part of his life. 

His thoughts drifted and in his mind's eye he could see it all over again, the cold winter day. He could hear the rattle of the engine in his ears, could feel the firmness of the brake underfoot as the bus slowed and stopped. His favorite song was playing on the radio and he was chatting up one of his regulars in the seats behind him. He was relaxed and wearing his usual infectious smile that made the regulars at home and the strangers at ease. Eddie was a people person. Always had been. The door made a hissing sound as it whooshed open. And there she was, sitting on the chipped concrete bench under the protection of the glass bus stop housing. The drizzle was making a soft tapping sound on the glass. She was petite, about 5'4" with milk chocolate skin and finely defined features. She gathered two brown grocery bags and, clutching them tightly, rose and stepped towards the open door. Then she suddenly looked up and directly at him, focusing a pair of soft brown eyes on his face. There was a quality of innocence that hit him hard. Eddie was not a romantic. He didn't believe in that shit. But he remembered that moment clearly. It lasted one long second and she stepped onto the bus, her worn but fashionable boots clicking on the metal steps. Their eyes met again as she scanned her pass, and she smiled for an instant. 

Amazingly when Eddie came back to the present the voice was still chattering. He wasn't sure how long he had been lying on the floor with the phone. Suddenly the voice paused and he realized she had asked him a question. He considered saying something. He wanted to say something, anything. Then he realized he wanted to say everything. That is when the receiver slipped from his fingers, falling gently to the floor. He could hear her calling out hesitantly, sounding slightly confused and alarmed. But he was too busy stumbling, or dragging himself through the dim light until he collapsed on an old sofa a few feet away. He blinked slowly a couple of times and his eyes gradually came closed as he escaped into the comfort of sleep, away from the world of duties and responsibilities and into something much different… release. 

The games no longer amused him. The problem was, there was very little that amused him anymore. He was now the manager of the whole store, which didn't translate into a lot of income, but he got by. His workers came and went, but they were all the same. Teenagers without much interest in the job, collecting a paycheck and then moving on to something else. He didn't blame them. After all, this was Nickeltown. Not exactly a beacon of hope and opportunity. 

He walked home to save money. He had found a room in a deadbeat place not far from the corner of cleveland and 291. He always made sure to stop by the liquor store in the bilo shopping center. Sometimes he would go to bilo, but he always went to the liquor store. 

When he got home the first thing he did was pull whatever liquor was still in the freezer out and put the new liquor in. He never stopped to check his messages, though the light was always blinking. He had plenty of friends, he could get a quick lay if he needed one. He rarely heard from most of his family, but his mother called nearly every day. He wasn't sure why, because he only called back about once a week. 

        He knew something had to change. But where to start?

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Here's Looking at You!

I found them easily enough. In the years after I left home, I spent my time exploring the world. I had been far too sheltered for too long. I wanted to know for myself how the world worked. I know they thought they were helping me by keeping hidden away and presenting a false facade to the world. In the end they could maintain the illusion without my ever being there at all. I made the choice to be real. I made the choice to leave.

Was it easier to play along? Definitely. But if you ask me if it was a mistake to leave, I’ll tell you the truth: the mistake was not leaving sooner.

So I traveled (by foot) and observed the world. I took a series of odd jobs. It was amazing to truly experience life rather then be instructed on what life was like. I had heard the word “freedom” many times before but never truly knew what it felt like. 

I was on my way back one day when I came upon them.

It was in the old historic district, a place I sometimes visited when I was homesick. The proud old mansions reminded me of my family.

In a field by the through road, a lizard was standing on a rock gesturing to a tall blonde woman sitting cross legged in the grass. 

“We need more help.” Said the blonde

“We don’t have more help.”

“What about the pickpocket? What was his name?”

“Kenneth. Unreliable.”

“And the kid that helped us with tracking the ferret?”

“Too green.”

“Can you be a little more flexible?”

“We agreed risk management was my area.”

“It’s not risk management if you eliminate all the options.”

I moved closer as the breeze rustled the grass and cars passed on the road. The blonde girl looked up, alarmed, then a slight smile crossed her face. The lizard didn’t move.

“You might as well come out.” The girl called, looking through Jess to the bushes behind her. Jess smiled.

The lizard was sniffing the air. “Interesting… earthy, human… almost… floral.”

She hesitated just a beat, then walked nervously over to them and sat facing the girl, mirroring her pose with the lizard directly between them. The girl’s smile broadened as she observed the grass compressing beneath Jess’s weight, and she focused her eyes roughly on Jess’s. The lizard faced her, still sniffing the air. It was the girl that spoke.

“Welcome, stranger. My given name is Sarah, but most know me as Diamond. This is Jenn.”

Diamond seemed utterly at ease and was almost glowing in the fading afternoon light. She was dressed simply, in an off white short sleeve, jean shorts, and sandals. A string around her neck bore a cross. Crisp, welcoming, and uncomplicated. 

Jenn observed the grass compress, glanced at Sarah, and cleared her throat.

“What brings you to our neck of the field, stranger?”

Diamond laughed. “Tell us your name and be a stranger no more.”

Jess breathed a sigh of relief and the words just came spilling out. It had been too long, far too long since she had spoken a single word, much less had a friend or even an acquaintance. Young as she was, she longed to belong somewhere and to know someone.

“My name’s Jessica, but my friends call me Jess, at least they did when I had friends. The rest… well, if they mention me at all, they call me ‘that girl’ or ‘invisible girl’ or sometimes “Jess Solo”, even though I’ve never seen Star Wars… should I call you Sarah or Diamond? Or Sarah Diamond? And Jenn, like Jess except with N’s. Easy to remember.”

Jess realized they were both staring at her, Diamond’s eyes twinkling and Jenn’s mouth slightly ajar.

“Anyways, I uh… It’s nice to me you.” She thrust a hand towards Diamond, but hit the lizard, knocking her off the rock into the grass. Jess recoiled in horror. “Oh. Sorry! I was - I thought I should shake your hand - her hand! Not that I don’t want to shake your… I should be quiet now.” She lowered her eyes in resignation, bracing for the inevitable blow off. 

Diamond was grinning at her as Jenn pulled herself up and starting dusting herself off.

Then Diamond burst out laughing. Jess was speechless. Jenn looked annoyed. 

Inbetween laughs, Diamond managed to reply.

“Jenn, I think we found a third.”

Jenn’s head shot up in shock and she buried her face in her claws.

Diamond kept laughing. “Try to see the upside. You certainly can’t see her!”

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Shame

You knew… Didn’t you?

You… KNEW.

Long ago…

Though no one knows…

Buried, ancient memories

Details lost, but who paid that cost?

In their place, I have your face

I trusted you, you knew it too

if only I had known

when you were the only one I could turn to

You left me in the dark alone.

In my darkest hour,

you shamed me into silence

All the days… No words to say…

But you knew what you were doing.

Broken tears… so many years

Lost and thrown away… 

The darkest days…

No voice to say

I couldn’t find the words

You broke me down…

In shame no sound…

Lost and thrown away

They speak your name

Were they to know?

The truth will flow

Your lies they’ll know

Your titles won’t protect you

You broke me down

YOU BROKE ME DOWN

Regardless what you say

The games you play

Will fade away

And in the end they’ll see

Monsters cannot hide in light

Soon the truth will be in sight

The doctor and his degrees…

You broke me down.

YOU BROKE ME DOWN.

The pain you wrought… for fees

They know your name

Do you know shame???

Will anyone come for you???

They know your name…

YOU’LL GET THE SAME…

If anything is true.

©️ 2022, Accountec, LLC

Flow

Water down the mountain

Dripping from the snow
And as the droplets gather
A Stream begins to grow

Slowly Ripples join each other
And down and down they flow
In that moment beautiful
Like that crystal snow

As the stream grows larger
and speeds up as it goes
It descends down the rapid slope
And the beauty begins to show

First, it takes some time to pool
Gathering poise as it slows
With grace it lifts from clifftop heights
seeking new life down below

And so it comes to freefall
From those distant heights
Creating its own show of hope
In that early light.

And now what can be seen for miles
And in morning sunlight glows
Is a flight of color in the air
That only the heavens could truly know.

©️ 2023, Accountec, LLC

River Dweller

 After it bit me, I dropped the gun and started running. I hadn’t run but maybe 20 yards when I had to stop, bending over to welcome back the contents of my stomach.

There I was, all sweaty and huffing and trying to stop heaving. My hands shook, and I felt weak in the knees. I looked back. The house was farther then I thought. No sign of the dog or the thing that bit me… or my buddies. I thought maybe I could hear them calling for me, but my heart was pounding so loud that I couldn’t be sure. Then there was the wind and the darkness that obscured so much. I looked up as I panted, to see the moon coming out from behind the clouds. In the distance came a howling. 

Suddenly, to my surprise, I joined in. It was a shaky but throaty howl there in the sight of the full moon. I looked down at my paws and did a double take. My knees bent under my weight as I realized that what were once hands were that no longer. I hunched over on my forelegs and ran off into the forest, never looking back…

Jenn was poised on a branch in the middle of the creek like flow that the locals called a river, eying the water suspiciously. This river had been cleaned and restored, but Jenn remembered the history of it too well to trust the water. Legend had it that the river was once so polluted by chemicals that it had been known as the rainbow river. The only time it resembled an actual river by her standards is when the storm waters rose. The small ravine would fill with a torrent of water, as if the time of the Ark was upon us once again.

Above the whisper of the flowing water she could hear little. The forest was almost too quiet. There was an odd scent on the wind, however, that she almost didn’t know how to describe. It was an unpleasant odor, almost that of decay or refuse.

A bird call from the NW. Sarah was in position off the trail where it looped back around to return to the entrance. A shriek of girlish laughter from the other end near the lake was Jess’s response. Jenn was still reviewing her logic. If she was right, the stranger would attempt to evade detection. Otherwise Jess had now become the bait. She was hard to track, being invisible and quiet, except for one thing: Jess had a distinctive aroma… not quite sugar and spice, but like a spring breeze… all pollens, flowers, and earthy scents. Diamond was harder to track, slipping from one spot to the next so quietly that at times she was harder to find then an invisible girl. 

Jenn twitched nervously and sniffed the breeze again, reassured by Ashes’ smoky and crisp presence. For all of his bravado and aloofness, he had the qualities of a good noose: reliable, hardy, vigilant, and on a hair trigger. He rarely needed and almost never heeded instruction whereas Sarah had such strong instincts and awareness that she could perform almost any task with only a hint of direction.

Jenn liked to play her cards close. Her arrangement with Sarah had taken on a new quality when Jess found them. She remembered how it all began…

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC