Dissociative Disorder Origins

Dissociative Disorders like DID and Borderline have a lot in common. These people have bad boundaries. They tend to lose themselves in other people. They have patterns They return to the same places, same people, time after time. Oftentimes they are runners. They misplace trust. This is nothing new. McClean knows this. MIP knows this. Most every mental health organization or counselor out there knows this. The thing is, all this starts somewhere. You learn this somewhere. It all comes back to those same places and people you started with, The places and people that you trusted first. The ones that taught you to learn how to walk, to read, to trust in the first place. Dissociative Disorders start somewhere, You wanna find the origins? You don't have to look far. It starts before you end up at one of these places. You trace the footsteps back, you track the running... it walks all the way back... back home.

Bad boundaries are learned. They are taught. When you have a Dissociative Disorder, and you want to find the source, You need to start at the beginning. You start at home. And then you know when to be careful about trust.

I was running before I turned 13. First in my mind, then all sorts of places. It started right where I am now. In this very room. Right here. It started with nights. The nightmares. That's where it started. Right here, This exact spot. This is where DID started... Some 30-40 years ago. This is where I learned.

It can start with physical boundaries. Emotional ones. It can lead to nightmares, running, depression, medications, self-harm, hospitalizations, voices... sometimes the teachers are the ones that bring you in for help. Help my child. They have problems. Give them medications. Teach them. And then from place to place, here to there, you carry your bad boundaries, your trauma and your misplaced trust. Sometimes it's sexual abuse... sometimes verbal... sometimes physical, sometimes the abusers follow you around, they hospitalize you, demonize you, medicate you, they never let you go. 

It starts right here. At home. the exact place that MIP released me to just a few weeks ago. It started decades and decades ago. Right here. This exact spot. And i have returned. To the exact place this all started. It started here. I went to MIP from here. And now MIP has released me to here. STRONG BOUNRDARIES, THEY SAID. STRONG BOUNDARIES. 

Maybe MIP knows a thing or two.

CCBH didn't know what they were doing. They let me be force medicated back into this care. MIP knew different. They didn't do the same. STRONG BOUNDARIES. There's your medicine.

She knew. She knew it started right here. She knew Prichards was controlling me with medication. She knew it all started in this exact spot. And so does MIP. So does Gateway. Everyone knows it all started right here. This exact spot. People with Trauma have patterns, They always return.

The DID started right here. This exact spot. It dissociated. It ran away. It went to MIP. It got medicated. It went to McClean. Got medicated some more. It went to Riggs. It got analyzed. It came home again, It went back to MIP. To Gateway, To Springbrook. To CCBH. And the DID always came back home. Right here, To this exact spot. It comes back home. To where it all started. This spot. This is DID. It's home.

Mindfulness Trick in the ER

 Another trick I used in the ER while they were talking about me was an arcade. In my mind I played pac man, donkey kong, a martial arts game with a moving screen i can't remember the name of, space invaders... I kept my mind busy. Pong. Tennis. Whatever arcade game I could think of. 

I thought of different foods. Peeling an orange. Thinking the sensations. Crunches. vanilla. 

Sometimes when I can't sleep I think about my favorite foods. For the nuts, I like walnuts, pecans, and especially almonds. I love to go too the canned almond isle. What's the brand? Diamond? I pick a different one... Usually they're on sale, so i'll get two or three cans. The vinegar ones, honey, the BBQ... love those things. The nutritionists haec run me through all the diets and formulas. The colors. The plate formulas. Vegetarian, seafood... I always fall back on a combination of Mediterranean and complex carb. Few starches, lots of fruits and veggies, yogurt, my pasta is always wheat, not much cheese (usually only on pasta or salad... condiment... otherwise usually cheddar). For a while I was into the oat milk, then almond because it was cheaper. They stay almost forever, so you don't have to worry about running out. But these days I drink so much milk that I get a full gallon of the 2% each week. My desert is usually a smoothie. Frozen fruit, usually the mango,blueberry, raspberry or strawberry, some nonfat greek yogurt for protein, sometimes some lemon or lime juice, maybe a little ice, and of course the milk. Occasionally a dash of vanilla. 

The pasta, I get the whole wheat, the jarred sauce, parmesan cheese. The sauce is usually either Meat sauce, vodka sauce, tomato basil, or the marinara. Food Lion has a good brand for the meat sauce, otherwise Rao's from walmart. 

My rice is usually the brown, occasionally wild rice. Less butter than olive oil Olive oil can go on almost anything. 

Now and then I get the rotisserie chicken. Lemon pepper or traditional. The leftover, I rip up and put in chicken broth, throw in some veggies and either rice or the wheat pasta. 

Breakfast is usually the instant oatmeal (low sugar), eggs, or yogurt plus fruit. Cereal got pricey. But if I get cereal I like the Great Grains or something wheat. Sometimes a Special K type. 

If I don't feel like cooking or my stomach is bad, I go with the plant protein shake. The vanilla or chocolate.

I love my airfry/toaster/grill. For meat I usually get chicken, salmon, beef patties, top round, or london broil. Sometimes center cut or butterfly chops or lamb. I keep the seasoning pretty simple for my stomach. I like the A1 bold and spicy. 

I keep a lot of frozen veggies. Broccoli, aparagus, corn, brussel sprouts, maybe yams... colors.

For the lettuce, I like the spring, spring with spinach, or the red lettuce. 

I don't eat much chips. Nutritionist. But when I do, I get the sea salt, the tortilla, or the pringles type. Now and then doritos.

Popcorn if I'm watching tv. sometimes pretzels.

For candy I like the toffee or chocolate. 

Sometimes I'll get the bell peppers. Colors. Onions and tomatoes and cucumbers. White mushrooms, but preferably the portabella or shitake. Not big on potatoes. Sometimes salsa. 

For beer, my favorite brand is probably Killian's. Blue moon, Coronas, or just about any amber beer. Sometimes I'll get wine. If I drink hard liquor, it's usually Rum. Some kind of mojito or margarita. 

I love berries. Jams. The bread, I almost always get the 16 grain, oatmeal, the one in the green wrapper, or just whole wheat. Fresh carrots are a great snack. 

I used to eat almond butter, but now I prefer the all natural peanut butter. Sometimes with honey.

My coffee I make the espresso with milk, frothed or unfrothed with stevia, maybe vanilla or cinnamon. Otherwise the tea or I have the pod machine that I put different american coffee. With the american coffee, I like the liquid creamer. All natural if possible, otherwise usually the vanilla ones.

If I get ice cream I prefer Blue Bell. I like Nutella. I used to drink a lot of fruit juice, but the nutritionist said just eat fruit. So I save my money for the actual fruit. 

Hydroonic lettuce is great when it's a good price. The boston lettuce.

The only canned stuff I get is the soups. Lentil, chicken rice, sometimes the tomaro ones, sometimes chili, other times I get anything with some beans. 

I always keep some lemon and lime. I keep my fruit bowl full. Mangos are great.

If I go out I like sweet tea with the fruit flavoring. My favorite sodas are ginger ale and diet dr pepper. I like cantalope. I like tortillas. Spinach or wheat. Olives are great. Black or kalamata. Sometimes different trail mixes. I spend most of my time in fruits and veggies. I like old spice products. Axe body spray. soap i mostly get irish spring. My back gets dry so I have a back brush and a back lotion applicator. Intence moisture lotion. Nails I just keep cut and feet dry. I usually keep foot powder. Sometimes i put on clear polish. My lips get dry a lot so I use the beeswax or non-medicated balm. I prefer a shallow bath to a shower. I don't standing a lot. My back hurts and my feet hurt. But if I need it I use cbd cream or different non medicated gels or creams. I like essential oils but I like the incense better. candles sometimes. I don't watch much tv or play console games these days. I write, read, play omputer games, fiddle with the guitar, or scribble. Don't do much with IT these days. I got too much already. monitors, screens, computers. I sit outside, Play with the cat. I like lemonade. I usually make my own. 

I've got some clutter to sort out. I'm trying to switch to hypoallergenic cleaners, dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice, the natural stuff. If something smells, I have the odor neutralizing fabric softener. Cleaning fabrics like carpet or furniture with a mix of water, dish soap, and distilled white vinegar. I like my toothbrush. Dentist recommended it. Phillips ProSonic I think. Makes flossing less necessary. I used to use the fluoride mouthwash, but sometimes the alcohol gives me dry mouth or irritates me so I just use like a scope nonalcoholic. I don't get as much dry eye these days, because I do the eye breaks and avoiding bright light and the blue light control. Blink more.

Sinuses do better with the flonase. I open the blinds for the light, listen to the birds. I built this L desk I ordered. It was hard. had a million pieces. Looks nice though. My body doesn't do that well to do the elliptical these days do I walk a lot. around the house, up and down the stairs. Sometimes I listen to music on my surround sound. I just got apple music again. Reading is mostly articles. books are harder these days. I've been trying to use the hypoallergenic sheets as much possible. I like to stretch and meditate and yoga and just move my body every day. I want to keep the house a few degrees cooler and run the fan more. I have resistence equipment but my body's been tired. I don't pay much attention to my clothes, as long as they are clean. Need to get my hair cut and my extension filed. Throw out some old hygiene stuff. Donate some clothes. Donate some books and electronics or sell them. Wash my car. Go through old mail. Find a way to reduce unwanted calls and emails. touch up the furniture with the markers and stuff. Go through old papers and files. Mostly it's all the electronics people have given me or accumulated from my IT hobby. Change out some photos. 

I only play one computer game regularly. With ships. Sometimes I play a shooter or a city builder. I used to like RPGs, but I have trouble focusing on them now. Reading, writing, basic self-care, and the ship game are fall backs. The cat. I get annoyed with Paypal a lot. Synchrony BITES. Hate that company. Hate them. 

I still have HBO and the walmart paramount and samsung tv plus. I love my tv. Just seems to be the same stuff on all the time though. When I do watch, it's more documentaries and comedy these days. Sometimes a drama. 

I got a soccer ball but I think my nephew took it. I used to love tennis. 

Bipolar

 So in the hospital, I was talking about trauma memories. Symbols. Places. That kind of thing, And then they changed it to bipolar again, and I really don't think they actually believe that they just want me to stay away from certain people. Hence the boundaries. You don't fix this with medication. That's not how it works. I was not manic. You know this. I was dissociating. It was obvious. This is not bipolar. It never was. You know this. 

My family wants it to be bipolar, so it can be the meds, and it can be Gateway. Gateway's never going to take someone with a trauma disorder. That's not what they do. Just because you change a code. That doesn't make it true.

That's why clozaril doesn't work. 

But people are still gonna look for a place to put me, even if that place doesn't want me. A fake dx don't make the wheels turn. you knew it too.

You emphasized the boundaries. You hated the memories and symbols. Because this is not bipolar. You think Gateway's gonna believe this shit? You know they don't. They never will. I have too much history. These centers know me, just like you do.

It was never mania. They call it one of the most over diagnosed disorders for a reason. You are professionals. You know it was dissociation just like everyone else in this world.

You do not have these kinds of patterns and memories and symbols with Bipolar. It simply doesn't happen.

This doesn't go away with medication or with centers. Trauma patterns can actually be reinforced in centers. But you come up with a new idea every day to explain it. Therapy unlocks the memories and processes them and then the patterns can be extinguished. You got another expert to throw at it yet?

This is not bipolar. No matter how much I say it is or how many codes you change, that's not what it is. It'll just be code of the day. Nothing I said in there had anything to do with bipolar. Zero. Absolutely none. There is no bipolar. It doesn't exist for me. You know this. You just wanted me out because I was dissociating like crazy and you couldn't handle it.

No matter where you send me or who you put me with, it is a trauma disorder. It is symbols. Music. Memories. That never changes. So why the disorder of the day? I did say I didn't want to talk about DID. But you never liked that dx anyway. This is patterns, memories, triggers, and dissociation. You never denied that. A fake dx won't change the truth. The seroquel got me out of there. Thank you.

I'll try to dissociate less. As far as the journaling, just don't read it. You don't need to know. I process with journaling. Not with medication. You know this. My family will always try to get me to stop. Because they don't want me to remember the past. But medication doesn't make it go away. You know this. You said it before I even left. If I don't process, I'll just run around causing chaos. How does that help?

The dx's, the med train, it has to stop. The centers can't help with this. That's not what they do. A fake dx don't help them too. The best boundaries I have right now are to stay away from certain populations. If i'm around people on meds, that gets me thinking about meds.

How's anyone going to believe this horseshit? Don't pretend you don't know. It won't help Gateway. It won't help Phoenix. I'm taking the meds. I'm doing the self-care. Let's not play around. We'll just run each other into the ground. No matter how much I lie to please the same people you told me to stay away from, it won't help anyone. Not even me.

The truth hurts. But so do lies. Yeah, you'll scrub the paperwork. I understand. But don't pretend you didn't know this. 3 social workers? Multiple psychiatrists? Symbols? Memories? lack of presence? Multiple names? Responding based on previous patterns and memories? Ring a bell? Dissociation anyone? No one's programming me. You saw it all. The disjointed communication? Being lost in the past? Ring a bell? I don't blame you for wanting me out. But spreading this stuff around? not smart, people. How someone can interact with so many people in such cryptic communication and not respond well to medication can only mean so many things. Past associations. Triggers. Memories.

I'm not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to contain my problems. The memories, triggers, and patterns. I'd rather not spread it around. People want to talk, they talk. I get it. Just don't make me spread this around. I don't see how centers will contain this. I've been to more then a few. I need to avoid past patterns. Don't like reading this? Please don't read. It's not for people that don't want to read it. Use parental controls, blocking, whatever you need to do. Exercise your own choice not to read. What I don't say and what people don't read can't hurt them. Found anyone else to drag in yet? You'll find a new one by the hour. Maybe not thinking about this is the point, but I've to be mentally clear before I can think about anything. It will cause harm. You know this. Do I seem mentally clear to you? Do I seem like I can help anyone or be particularly useful right now? Playing my family against my counselor against this center or that center doesn't help, You know this. You didn't try. Good job. Now let the mentally screwed up person not spread this around.

I behave differently from hour to hour sometimes. You think I should be around people? Great Idea.

Look, it doesn't have to be something people have to deal with in this community. If you don't force this stuff out into the community, maybe everyone is better off? perhaps?

My behavior was so inconsistent, my medical symptoms diverse, my communication almost nonexistent, my capacity near zero, and you want me running around?

I don't see it. Maybe gateway or Phoenix will but I don't. A fake dx, some meds, and some manipulation won't change that. So whatever you really think, you managed the symptoms, you calmed the dissociation, you got me out. Scrub the papers the way it needs be. How you possibly believe that diagnosis after all this time and all the symptoms you clearly saw, I have no idea. I'm taking the meds. Let me try to use these skills, the knowledge you gave me about being careful with people and don't make me spread this around. I do not want to talk about mental illness with other people. It's not healthy. I just don't understand the dx merry go round and the jumping me from here to there. You managed the symptoms. The meds help. Dissociation doesn't clear up that fast. It always comes back. And there's about 30 years of records to verify that. I don't see how bipolar makes sense. But i'll take the meds. Let the rest go. You know the history. You still call it trauma. Don't make me spread this around.

Triggers

I don't remember any names from the ER. By design. I don't want to remember your names. I barely remember your faces. Some of you wore masks. I don't need to see your faces. Wear masks if you will. I only remember 3 names from the MIP visit. They mean nothing to me. I do not care who you are. That's not the point. You are not my friends. You are not my family. I do not want to remember your names.

There is one name that is hard to forget. The doctor that has been at MIP the longest. I made the mistake of learning his name. I made the mistake of learning a good bit about him. And now he and I are triggers for each other. There's almost infinite reasons for that. Some are more complex than others. Yes, I still hear your voice. Yes, I know you're there. It took me a while to understand. I am not there to see you. I never intended to end up there. I try to forget you now. Like all the rest. You are not my friends. You are not my family. You work for PRISMO. That is who you are to me. I am trying to forget. I am not trying to remember. The less I remember, the better. I do not need you to know me. I need you to forget.

Right now, no one in this county needs to know me. I am a face. You don't even need my name. I'm not here for you. What I do is not important. It is not going to harm you. You don't need to look me up. I don't need to look you up. I am simply present. I am trying to forget. That is what I need. Nothing else. Once I have forgotten... then there can be more. Don't ask for more right now. You don't want to know me right now. The comments, I can ignore. Just filter me out.

ER Coping Skills

I used a lot of coping skills in the ER, as dissociated as I was. I counted things. Lots of imagery. I visited so many places. Around SC. Around the US. Around the world. I looked at outer space. At stars. I used ocean waves. Rain. Beaches. Forests. I rode leaves down streams. Jumped frogs. Waded in creeks. Built things. Watched fireworks. I floated in water. Mostly in the ocean. I collected shells. I saw waterfalls. I played almost every song I could think of. I reviewed intellectual topics. The military is a favorite. I contemplated different ships. The F-35. International Relations. Politics a little. Different people. Famous ones. I was the wind. I was the rain. I flew. I went swimming in the ocean. I closed my eyes and I went away. My mind was busy going here and there. I remembered conversations, certain memories.  I played with animals and critters some. I felt the sheets. They gave me some sprite. I focused on the bubbles. It was actually more nature imagery then music. But I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. Then I started to come back. I started repeating trauma memories. I mentioned a few names. Honestly, I could barely tell who I was talking to. That became a thing. The whole, cleaning staff wear this color, techs that color, nurses this color. I believe I called nurses doctors at times. I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. I can't even remember all the things I thought about. The counting was mostly fish or sheep or cows. I did the wind through the trees. Leaves are a favorite. I ran. I was in my mind. Blue jays, robins. Anything and everything I could to keep my mind off the trauma and off what was going on. Sea critters. Whales. Dolphins. At one point I was simply picking locations in the world. New Zealand. North Carolina. I was trying not to focus too much on any one thing. So I didn't use the same places. I tried to pick somewhere different to visit, a different animal, a different non personal memory. I skipped rocks. West Virginia. I revisited stories I had heard from random people. I wiggled my toes. Moved my fingers. Sometimes tapping, others just flexing. I mostly kept my eyes closed. I breathed. Sometimes to interrupt my thoughts I used phrases. 

At home, I prefer the hydration, the stretching, the yoga, reading, mild exercise, I review the five senses in every way I can think of. Different things to touch. Temperature changes. Not so much smells as I thought I would. I keep lemon, ginger, teas, fruit, veggies, spices. 

I've been getting into new things. Rocks. The counting down from 100 by 7s. I've always liked art. I'm not good at drawing or painting, but I like seeing it. Sculpture. I like birds. Trees. The rubbery grippy socks in the hospital. I liked the rubber part.

Lately I've had Nickleback in my head. "Where do I Hide".

Sometimes it's just a ticking clock. 

Internist Followup

The blood pressure was 149/92. Repairs are underway. 

Everywhere I go, I get comments. To the store, out to eat, in the parking lot, at the library, everywhere.

Checkers keep checking. But my stomach has calmed down. I've been eating more. 

When I volunteered at crisisline, I heard many things. At times, we had to work with the police. At times, 911. All sorts of problems. On the main line. On Julie Valentine. On Safe Harbor. Some of the things I said then, I wouldn't say now. Some of the things I didn't fully understand, I understand better now. Some of the strange behavior. Some of the attitudes. The thoughts. It makes more sense. There were hospitals that threatened people with restraining orders then. They do it now too. Trauma works in weird ways. There were people that wouldn't leave other people alone no matter what. That hasn't changed. There were people who were in bad situations. Who could have left. But this was their home. They wouldn't leave. There were people that called regularly. That we knew by name. I can still remember a name or two. But that was a long time ago. Some things never change. 

You get less heat by keeping your head down. You get less heat by working with the system. But you don't get change. You stay the same. Day after day. They will always be people trying to drag you back, drag you down. Sometimes closing one's ears becomes necessary. A survival mechanism. People always talk. And yet, life does go on. They don't like the places I shop. The food I eat. The way I live. The people I associate with. There's always something to criticize. They want me gone. Or at least quiet. 

So I keep the doctors informed. At home I hydrate. I run those nutrients, meds, and the stress through my system. Day by day. I close my ears when I have to.

Hospital Staff

Everybody's got a voice right? Well, I heard a few voices in the hospital. Only these were real. From technicians to nurses to doctors to whatever their positions were. It wasn't just one or two. There was a clear message. One they wanted me to send.

That message was "fuck off".

They were quite passionate about this message. So I gotta pass it on. As a courtesy.

How do you know when you have a problem? When the hospital staff is literally instructing you on how to tell people in your life to fuck off. And I gotta respect that. Because people do get pissed off. They get pissed off when members of the community are having other members of the community moved from this center to that center to this hospital to that hospital and getting a new label every day. It does piss people off. Especially if those members of the community are trying to manage the medication of other members of the community, generate referrals out of thin air, contradict the orders of the hospital or the outpatient psychiatrist or the counselor or this person or that person. And if it keeps happening, there will be a hit list. Not mine. 

Why am I trying to walk this middle road? Because I think the centers are tired. 

Yeah people get tired. I'm trying to keep my head straight in all of this. I need fewer opinions. I need less attention. 

But no, I'm the name! You know the one. It's on the documents. I'm the yes sirs and thank yous and the pleases. That's who I am. The name. Maybe I'm the last to realize. 

And what's with all the moving standards? every day a new standard. And it's always with strings. More strings then you can count. Does the world have enough problems yet? It starts with the vague standards. Then as soon the work begins the standards change. No they'll never be met. Because they will always be different. Every second of every day.

And then it's the, but you're the mental health advocate! Or you're the mentally ill, or a drug addict! You got another new label for me? Do I need to save the world? Is it my job to go from center to center, preaching the word? But have hope! Tomorrow is a new Center! here's your commandments:

1. Thou shalt take thy medication

2. Thou shalt shut thy mouth and play along

3. Thou shalt fake being interested

4. Thou shalt maintain thy last name

5. Thou shalt remain guilty

6. Thou shalt run around

7. Thou shalt cast blame

Believe it or not, pissed off people, there's someone in your court. She's not very popular right now. But she's there. Go ahead and pass the blame along, people. You know who you are. let's all pass it around.

Does everyone have a voice? Yes. Has there been enough talking yet? I hope so. I don't like pissing people off. It's happened a time or two.

Where is the middle road in all this? Cause I'm walking a fine line here. Let's not zig zag too much.

Is any one of these people perfect? NO! Am I trying to tear people down? NO. I don't like doing that. But occasionally I have to call people out, as stubborn as they may be. 

Can we all shut up and go home yet?

I gotta let people have a voice. And those voices are getting loud. And those voices are not in my head. And I can't ignore them.

Do we have enough voices yet? Do we need a petition?

No, I don't own my home. I'm not proud of that. But where are we gonna send him next? Is there a center lining up for a fake referral? No? Then maybe there is no center for this. Maybe we can't find a hole shitty enough to bury this guy in? Call him what you like. There doesn't need to be a petition. Because some voices are real. And loud. and angry. Occasionally, I have to listen.

I don't like doing this. But some things you can't hide. Not even in shadows. 

Me trying to think straight

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace. 

What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back there. I'm not in love with this medication. You may think I am. I'm not. It's something I have to do.

The rain keeps me grounded. Sitting in the car listening to the rain. 

So now it seems to be down to the house and appointment. Always loved a good rainstorm. And seeing the stars. I could almost play that Calm music all day. I've listened to two actual songs since getting out. That frequency music just settles me right down. I'll find my sense of humor again one of these days. I haven't really laughed in the longest time. So disconnected from my emotions. 

I really don't know how much people actually care. All I know is I've gotten a lot of heat. There's always something. I used to take life less seriously. Now it seems to be bridging gaps. So many gaps and so many bridges to build. My throat feels better. Unless I talk too much. The magnet freaked me out because one time it seemed to cause a malfunction where I felt the wire in my shoulder heat up and I was in pain. But the nuerologist reprogrammed the device. But if I'm turning it off to talk all the time then it's not actually working as much. So I like to space out my talking. Voice wasn't incredibly strong to start with.

How one can be so tired? Tired of the get over it bullshit. Just let me be. You don't have to be involved. 

Mirage

 I am the mirage in your mind

Whatever you see in me is not really there

Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind

If you need me, you have me in your mind

you can visit me there...

My body is not who I am

Nor is my mind.

Do not chase me in the desert

For you will die of thirst.

But I am there for you when you need me

I'm there in your mind's eye

If I am in your heart,

That is your choice

But do not chase me.

I am your hallucination

I am your imagination

Do not chase what is not real

For you will never catch it.

I am your mirage.

I am imperfect.

Let me fade.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

4/7/2025

I was a little restless last night. Took the hydrozine yesterday and that helped. Been thinking about the specific things I need to do.

1. update internist

2. get refill

3. House Prep

4. appointment

5. Get some more food basics

6. file tax extension

Still getting lost in my head and sensitive to noise. Applying maximum boundaries and prioritizing medical, keeping my head clear, and my eyes forward. If other people can just filter me out, that's what I need. I don't know what one reasonably accomplishes in one day, but I do not have the energy to deal with anyone for the foreseeable future. And the more you drag me in, the less I will be able to be in your life. If you don't want me to be a problem, stay away from me, filter me out, pretend you don't know me, for the love of God, ignore me as much as possible. This is exhausting. Do not make me be a problem.

Boundaries

I also want to reemphasize the importance of boundaries. You see something on this site that might hurt someone's feelings or cause harm, you don't need to share it with them. Whether that is your friend, a neighbor, a family member, this site is not intended for people to use it as a tool to cause harm. It is not an advisory site. It is not intended as a gossip column. Read it if it benefits you personally. If it helps you to deal with something, entertains you, benefits you in some way. Don't use it against anyone. Don't read it if it upsets you. Don't take it as life advice. If you are under the age of 18, consult an adult if you have concerns or are upset by the content. This site does not endorse drug use, unsafe sex, gambling, risk taking, or irresponsible behavior of any kind. If you or a loved one are in Crisis, please call the 988 hotline for mental health support, 911 for medical support. 

Checkers

The checkers are at it again. They check, recheck, cross check, check again, find this person to drag in or that person to manipulate, then they find something new to complain about. It changes by the hour, the complaints and the solutions and the people they try to manipulate or complain to. It's a regular newsflash around here. Every minute they find a problem to obsess about. Then it's check, recheck, cross check, find someone to drag in or demonize. It never ends. Each day it starts, and it goes from here to there and back again. Yep, here's something new. This is the wrong color. This doesn't taste quite right? Who is not good enough at this moment. Is it this person? that person? who can we blame now? How do we fix and control and arrange the world in this exact moment? Oh, let's blame this person. Let's fix this. Let's slam and run around and do all this ridiculousness and then talk about our greatness. Uh no! This person didn't use the right words! that person looked at me funny! Let's complain loudly in public. Let's have a group bitching. Yes, that feels good. All together now! Where do we run and control next? Aww... that person hurt my feelings because they didn't smile and say yes loud enough. This person didn't jump to the ready at the exact right moment! 

Every second of every day. Some people something or someone to manage. Something to fix. No they can't sit still. They gotta run around. Control the world. God forbid someone say no. God forbid people be honest. Nope, we'll keep asking different people until we get the answers we want. One person and one day at a time. Controlling the world. Making it just like us. Because that's the way it needs to be. Of course. Until the end of time. Because there is no God, we are God. And we know it. We have the letters after our names. And that is the holiest of holy. The ultimate high. Controlling the world, one other human at a time. Someday this human will get tired of this, so we'll find another to control. Until we've controlled so very many. 

Oh the glory that is us. Until our backs are turned and people speak the truth. But we'll ignore it. Because what we do. We make our lies and then reinforce them every day. Every moment. Until we are dead and in the ground. And then there will just be the name. Isn't it great? So pretty. Until it isn't, and then we gotta make it pretty or replace it with something else. Absolutely beautiful. And ugly as sin. But we'll keep lying to ourselves, day by day, finding something or someone new to use, because that's what we do. So beautifully ugly. 

Or maybe, just maybe, life really is ok. And at some point there's nothing left to fix. I dunno. One would think. But then, thinking is overrated, right? Unless I'm right, then it's great. Fantastic. Absolutely. 

Can only run so many people into the ground before they get really pissed off about it. But maybe you really are happy. Hard to say. But eventually the truth catches up. And you run out of strings. And then what's left? a name and a bunch of pissed off people. That's not what I want. But don't listen to me, throw me out, throw out my things, have me redoctored and reconfigured every few months. Great use of resources. Or maybe, just maybe, it's ok the way it is. Let's take a survey of the community here. Ignore the results. then pat ourselves on the backs and talk about how great we are.

THAT IS INSANITY. Give a a dx. Dress it up. Medicate it. Get it support groups. How many people can we asylum today? So hard to choose. There's so many that are not like us. We gotta find some place to put them. Nope, move that one here and this one there. Let's change the dx again. But I like this dx! It's pretty. I like giving it a name. AND AN ACRONYM! ACRYNYMS ARE COOL! Up, this one needs more management. This other one is falling short of perfect. Here's a new dx. No, let's try that one. Let's consult a specialist. Nope, I don't agree with that one. Let's go to this place I found online. It's in MA! no here's one in VA! Oh but what have they invented now? what are the side effects? 

Everyday just another med! YAY! Dosage #1? Dosage #2? Well we better call this doctor and complain.

Never ends. Never ends. It just starts all over again. Every day. Round and round and back again! Oh but we have letters! Let's all stand around and congratulate ourselves. Now let's go out to eat and do it and fuss and complain loudly and piss everyone off and pretend we don't notice. Or maybe we can shut up and mind our own business. No that would never work. Let's find something else to manipulate. Do you like Indian? Do you like Thai? Oh but I have to have middle eastern! You ever heard of food? you eat it. It's everywhere. Sometimes it doesn't even need a name. Just a thought.

Where the minding my own business in this, I do not know. But it's getting rather annoying. MAYBE SHIT IS OK THE WAY IT IS. MAYBE WE CAN ALL SHUT UP, DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO, and GO HOME. NO? Not yet. Find something else to fix. Find something to clean. Find something that is in some small way displeasing and rearrange it. Better yet, let's argue about how it needs to be and rope someone else into doing it and then complain about the work and then rethink it and find someone else to redo it. Every single day. again and again. Cuz we need our fancy things and our self-admiration and the recognition. No, we'll never stop. We'll just find something or someone else to fix. Because that's what we do. We don't mind our own business. EVEN IF PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING THE RIGHT WORDS DIRECTLY AT US. Nope. We'd never do that. We'll find something else to be upset about. Cuz we're so perfect. Nope, we won't listen. We'll just keep doing what we do. And then we'll have support groups so we can bitch about it. And we'll complain about the other people who don't measure up. That's what we do. Nope, can't be happy till we have all the money and the fame and the recognition in the entire planet. And then one day we'll be buried in a field under a tree with our names on everything. Cuz we're God, and we love being God. We'll lie to people and say we believe in God, and then turn around and proudly call ourselves atheists behind closed doors. Kiss the royal ring. talk about how shiny it is. It's so pretty. and everyone admires us. and we pissed off when they don't act like it, and say the right words. We're deaf until we choose to listen. Cuz we gotta run around!

You're sure this is sane? Cuz I've got a few dozen questions about this logic. But let's rope more people in and manipulate them into getting this treatment or that, this center or that center. Let's play musical solutions. One moment at a time. Tomorrow we'll pick this solution or that center. The next day, well, we'll find another. Run around town. Spreading our crazy. Cuz that's what we do. Find someone else to smile and agree and get us what we want. everyday.

MIP March 2025

    What did learn from MIP? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths.     I learned more about what things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains. 

    I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a lot of mentors. I have gotten a lot of good advice. But I have to choose the advice that works for me. 

    I did very little talking. I was very careful about what I bought into. Hospitals and centers are full of influences and advice. Be careful what you buy into. Sometimes I have to heed my own counsel. playing musical advisors or musical influencers... yeah you can experience a lot. But it can lead you down dark paths. Slowly or all at once. Can't please everyone. I'm choosing my people carefully. I'm filtering some things out. I've had trouble trusting psychiatrists. Some of them can be slippery or cold. They don't know everything. I can't expect them to. Yet as much heat as I get for relying on them, as hard as I find it to communicate with them, I liked what that one and the outpatient one are doing. As far as coordination of care, I signed the necessary releases after they discharged me, and whether people like it or not, I'm keeping the same doctors and other medical staff. I can't play musical medical staff. But I'd rather not return to the Memorial medical campus anymore then I absolutely have to. I'm being more careful what I say. That's not paranoia. That's boundaries. I'd rather not involve more people in these hallucinations or PTSD or whatever any more than necessary. To me that's boundaries. Yes, I live by myself. Yes, I don't go out much. No, it still doesn't seem like a good idea to do so. No, I don't know when that will change. And there will always be people that resent me for being who I am. So stay out of my life. Don't get involved. If you know you don't like me, don't be around me. You have choices. You send me somewhere else, someone else will find something to dislike about that. I can't make my own referrals. If no one makes a referral to gateway, I can't go there. No one has. No one intends to. I don't see how it would help but it's not even up to me. I can't go there without a referral. No one is making that referral. Not MIP. Not Brownell. Not the counselor. No one. That is actually, outside of my control. When I have so much medical to focus on, and I'm trying to reintegrate, another center isn't gonna make a difference. If these professionals disagreed, they would have already made that referral. I'm not giving them instructions; they are making decisions. I'm not stubborn. I'm heeding professional advice. I can't tell them what referrals to make. Phoenix is a limited time program. It doesn't fix this. This truly is mental health. Let the professionals do their jobs, mind your own damn business. Stop being fake and controlling. Leave me alone. I don't need that many people in my life. Let me focus on the medical. I can't fake these results. It's not possible. You don't need to talk to me? You don't want to talk to me? Then don't. How much more needs to be said before people shut up and mind their own business? You don't want emergencies? you don't want stress? Just keep you mouths shut and your eyes on your business. I'm trying to do the same. No more advice. Let the professionals do their job. You're pissing them off. Not just me. Them too. MIP. Counselor. ER. No one is happy about this. Stop trying to control me and them. Let them do their jobs. As far as the house, it's completely unclear to me what exactly needs to be thrown away, but I'm cleaning it. But the until the internist says more about the blood pressure, I can only do so much driving and moving around. You're never gonna listen. I could put it in five languages, you'll still be pissed. You have some things to get over too. Mind your own business. You're gonna kill me this way. Running me here and there. Let the professionals do their job. I'll probably never know what makes you happy. I'm tired of trying. Stay out of my life unless you actually want to be in it. Whatever you think I am. Let that go. Whoever I am, take from that what is actually there, and stop trying to program me. One day you'll have to actually listen to something I say and really hear it, or stop listening and being around me entirely. In the meantime, let me mind my own business. 

Blood Pressure

 Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked. I'm not that creative. Unless you want a medical following me around to keep the records, you may have to rely on the numbers in the charts and the numbers that I get. I'm not so creative that I can create patterns. I'm not interested in trying. I'd like to work out the problems I have and not endanger anyone. Pretend you don't know me if you don't like it. Just find me a little less interesting, if you could. You've got other things to talk about and to do. It's not like I said to myself, well maybe I'd like to be medically complex. I didn't come up with the term. They gave it to me. One of their brilliant ideas. I'm trying to pick up fewer ideas. Stick with the long lists on the charts. All the letters. I'm trying to let those letters stay on the charts. focus on reality. Right now that's the blood pressure. There's only so much more I want to know. 

Name Avoidance Disorder

    How many names do I need to know? Seriously? Do I need to know everyone's name? But oh no, he doesn't know this person's name or that person's name!! National Emergency. Call 911, he doesn't know my name! How many names do I really need to know? 

    If they ask me to consult XYZ one more, I'm going to go ballistic. He is not the only doctor in this world, and it really is pissing the doctors off to have other doctors giving feedback. It's not ethical. We need to take that name down a few notches. It's pissing people off. If I have to be the one to say it, then I'll say it for the benefit of the community. It's just a name. Take it down a few notches.

    Some people in particular need to hear that and they're rather pissed off at me right now. There are other people in this community and people with my last name do not need to be controlling the community or causing chaos. It's getting old. They're getting pissed off. It's just a name and people with this name do not know everything. Including but not limited to myself.

Ethics and Control

    The thing about people with letters, the doctors, the social workers, the counselors... They don't like being manipulated. They don't like it when you don't follow their instructions, they don't like having opinions fed to them, they don't like not being included in decisions, they don't like other people with letters interfering, and don't like being gossiped about. I've made these mistakes. But these people with letters don't stop interfering with each other, then shit storm gets worse. LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS. DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM. DON'T FEED THEM OPINIONS. I CAN'T CONTROL THEM ANYMORE THEN YOU CAN. And if you have letters after your name and someone with letters finds out you contradicted your instructions for someone under your care, that really pisses you off. 

    The internist said stay at home. STAY AT HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND. AM I GONNA HAVE TO RECORD HER VOICE AND PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU? IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES? YOU THINK SHE APPRECIATES THIS? No, you want me running around town. If my right foot is numb when I'm driving, what then? The walking is easier then the more targeted motions like driving. There is common sense here somewhere.

    You people with letters better mind your own damn business and stop interfering with each other. It's not helpful. It's really the Internist, the Psychiatrist, and the Counselor I need to follow right now. The GI doc, I just take the prilosec each AM and watch my diet. The neurologist did her job. The Psychiatrist, I have to schedule the appointment because they refused to coordinate care and I'll have to drive to that place or do the video appointment and he hates when I do the video but I really do not think I need to be driving a lot of places and that particular place is not easy to drive to. YOU THINK YOU CAN COORDINATE A LITTLE BETTER ER/MEMORIAL? Anyways. I suppose I could message the psychiatrist about moving the refill so I can drive to my place and go to the pharmacy right near it instead of driving multiple places. They just love hearing from me. No, they are not going to be happy till I'm running around town. They got a schedule to keep. 

    Just took my morning meds. doing the calm app. If I'm good at communicating in writing then maybe that's what I should do. I'll journal every single day. That'll be your communication know you don't like it. But when I say my say my voice isn't great, again, and again and again... well maybe there's something to that. When I say my voice isn't good, do I need a letter from the neurologist saying that i shouldn't talk much? I like to rest it. I'll need to check the blood pressure again at noon. trying to get it below 125/80. when the lower number goes above 80, that seems to be when my foot doesn't work as well. The left one is rather perky.

    No people will always be pissed off I don't say much. Some people don't say much and do just fine. If I can be ok with it, why can't other people? communicating visually isn't a crime. Gets on people's nerves. I don't speak loudly. Not for long periods. 

    I need to wash up. Check my blood pressure around noon, then try to go by my place to get it ready for the repairs. Tomorrow I'll have to focus on getting to the hospital to get that medication. How hard can it be to get an LPC, an internist, and a psychiatrist to work together and mind my own business? Keep the rest of the snakes at bay? Gonna have to find out, day by day. The rest of the people with letters have done their jobs. There's only so many places you can ship me. And if I keep driving like this, that would contradict pretty much all the people with letters. Yet you want me running around town, from here to there? Brilliant. Keep it up. Soon we'll all be dead. Soon we'll be having wellness checks from public safety. That'll make you real happy, won't it? You think police want to worry about me? you think they don't have enough on their plate? Without wellness checks and stuff like that? You think people driving around without feeling in my right foot?

Sunday, Medical

     Yesterday my blood pressure was 129/88. My right foot still tingles and stops responding at times. The headaches and weird head sensations have calmed down. I think that was more stress. Still some chest pain yesterday. Liver occasionally feels weird. Trying to make sure I take the Prilosec on the empty stomach and the others with food. 

    I've come out of a coma twice. My body is not that strong. You'd better wipe those damn smiles off your faces. This shit isn't funny. 

    I really don't need fancy things. I need to not be running around town, exhausting myself when my body doesn't reliably function. I need to not have to call EMS. I need to avoid stress and allergens, which happen to occur in many places around town. I mean right now my right foot barely moves! And you want me driving? Brilliant. I have to keep people safe too. How many EMTS and doctors have to tell me to rest and take care of myself before people get the point? You don't just "FIX" these things with drugs and support groups. It takes time. It takes rest. If I want to mind my own business and take care of my body, then maybe that's what I should do, instead of getting another doctor or counselor or somebody with letters after their name telling me to do that. 

    Hallucinations can come from all sorts of things. Medication, lack of blood sugar, lack of oxygen, and yes, mental illness. I know they are not real. 

    I don't have a problem with the internist and yet they want more opinions. Just yesterday they wanted me to ask my brother. You think the doctors appreciate that? you gonna let them do their job? They have medical degrees too. maybe they would appreciate being allowed to do their job without other doctors being involved. They've mentioned that a time or two. Not the internist. Not yet anyways. But you keep this shit up, then yeah no one will want to work with me simply because there's too many opinions involved. Less opinions would be fantastic. We can't control the world people. It pisses people off. I can handle some pain. Within limits. If I didn't think I had problems then I would be running around, doing stupid shit. Yet I'm at home trying to take care of myself. SMART MAYBE?

    Yeah, I get frustrated. Everybody gets frustrated. I'd rather not spread it around. From this center to that center. Everybody knows the list of diagnoses. Alphabet soup. It's on the charts, so what does it matter? I need to go around talking to people about that shit? I don't think so. I don't have a referral to gateway house. How's phoenix going to help with this? You want me to pass out driving? you want someone to have to call EMS? You think people like seeing this shit? 

    I don't know how to help people. I'm trying to help myself. What are they going to learn about VNS? The neurologist gets nervous about it. Maybe I should be too. Gotta take something seriously. You don't want me embarrassing people or making them uncomfortable or having medical emergencies? Maybe I should rest. Eat. sleep. avoid stress. The things that have worked since the beginning of time. 

    If I can think clearly enough to say something useful, I'll say it. Otherwise, I'll keep my silence. I don't need a lot of conversation. The left foot almost always feels 100% normal. It's just the right one. I guess it's my dominant foot. Right-handed. Maybe with the stress and relying on my right side too much. But I have had alternating sensations on the right or left side of my body. I don't know exactly what that means. It mostly comes out in the face. Sometimes I feel twitchy. Right foot is barely moving. I'm supposed to work the different parts of my body regularly. So I get up and I walk, Stretch, that kinda thing. Just basic stuff. I'd rather not shoot my mouth off in public right now. Sometimes I say weird shit. And typing is easier then talking. Especially when people are lying to you. Trying to manipulate you. They can read. They got letters after their names, most of them.

    Yeah I like music. I like the Calm app. I used it a lot yesterday. The breathing exercises, the mood check ins, the music with the frequencies that enhance sleep. The sleep enhancing music was a god send. Right there on my phone. Didn't need to talk to anyone. Helped me just fine. I've been trying to get more regular with that app. I get bored, I get frustrated. The tinnitus isn't so bad. Sometimes I think about getting earplugs from the store. Then I worry that I might not hear something important. The CPAP seems to be doing fine, other then that filter door being broke and me not being able to change the filters properly. Tried to fix it. The supply store gave me the run around. The doctor said I had another two years before it could be replaced. That was about a year ago. So I wash the tubing, the mask, and the chamber, and I replace the tubing and mask, and I fill it with the distilled water. 

    And I listen to people complain about my medical problems and my counselor and my doctors and then I listen to the doctors complain that I'm not following instructions and we're back to the blame game. Funny that the only person not trying to blame someone is my counselor. Funny that they'll never give her credit for doing her job. You wanna demonize someone? demonize me if you have to. Give the other people a rest maybe? it's pissing them off. And someone will end up dead or seriously injured if this shit doesn't stop. Get off your high horses. You're not that smart. You're not that great. Do your damn jobs, keep your mouths shut. Mind your own damn business. Don't make me contact SCDHEC or DSS. I can make reports just fine. I really do not like to. 

I've got to get to that hospital to get the Seroquel refill. by tomorrow. Not feeling great about driving or especially going to that hospital but they insist on filling it there and they refuse to transfer it to my pharmacy. That's been a major issue for me. But God forbid I ask someone for help. To even drive somewhere for me. I need my headphones. It helps with the music. Better go eat something.

Medical, Post ER, 15 days

 I figured today I might as well review the medical some more. there's plenty of it. I've lost my privacy. What does it matter to lose some more. 

ER - Abnormal Results

Acetaminophen Level - Low

Ketones - High

Neutrophilis - High

Lymphocytes - Low

Anion Gap (whatever that means) - High

CO2 - Low

Nothing wrong Doc? you sure? You kept me for a reason, yes? well there you go. You did your job. The staff can save their comments and threats. And if they start a catheter and refuse to change the bag, there's a lawyer for that too. Don't act like you don't know that I'm in pain. You got eyes and ears. Don't pretend I didn't say something. And instructing me to change it myself. There's malpractice right there. Yeah, I know big words, too. I'd rather not use them. I'm tired of this shit. You got cameras and microphones. Play them. See what happens. You want a lawsuit? you want the state asking questions? you better be damned careful. I really don't think we need to go down that road. Scrubbing the records won't account for the time and the conflicting stories.

EKGs were normal at the ER and again at the internist. The Nurse left a mychart message after yesterday's update. VM was full. Need to call them back. Blood pressure was better yesterday though. like 128/80, down from 134/80. Less pain. Feeling more grounded. There's a start there. 

Ordered some hypoallergenic sheets. The pillow cases and the mattress cover were already that, but the sheets themselves were not. Details.

Neighbors are caring for the cat. That's nice. He makes me smile.

Stomach has been better, but my strength is not great. Trouble standing, walking, talking, driving. That's why I don't like running around to this center and that center. The talking does seem better since the VNS decrease. Last night I had one of those feeling like I was drowning in saliva moments, but nothing I'm not used to. The walking isn't really big problem, but standing for long periods isn't easy, and if your right foot has transient numbness then driving is not a great idea, ya think? gas pedal, brake pedal? Doesn't take a genius. It'll go away. that doesn't come up much. But I'm still having it today. They say stay home for a reason. The Internist, counselor. They're not stupid. You want someone running around who functions like this? People gonna get hurt that way. Oh you need to be around people, you need to be around people! Not if they're gonna get hurt, I don't need to be around them. Common sense.

Why this has to be a war, and I can't just try to mind my own business, I will never understand. Maybe I"m stupid that way, but you don't labels or degrees to understand this stuff. Common sense. Cuz I don't actually fancy food, fancy clothes, fancy this or that. Yeah, I use my computer and phone a lot. Long fingers. Easy to communicate and manage life that way. Get over it. Move on. You want me to get over it and move on? you too. Get over it. Not the end of the world. 

Proud? No, I'm not proud of this. I'm trying to get by, believe it or not, and one of these days you'll have to believe something I say and stop trying to rearrange it to suit your preferences. This doesn't have to be that messy if you don't try to control me. There doesn't have to be threats or intimidation. There can just be life. And it pisses people off in the community when others are too controlling. It's not respectful. No one likes being manipulated. Not MIP. Not my counselor. Not anyone. Gateway and Phoenix would not appreciate it either. And yet I'm supposed to force my counselor to come up with a referral that she doesn't agree with. People don't like being used. Stop trying to sabotage. I'm taking the damn meds. I have not had any substance other then caffeine and meds. Get over it. Stopped chewing the nicotine gum because I never even smoked and I don't understand starting a new substance. It's like you're trying to create more evidence for a substance abuse problem and I've had it with you people. You wanna paper trail? well here we go. Let's have paper trails. You can't fake these medical problems and they're nothing new. You drew the labs. Your names are on the paperwork. Deny that. The problems haven't changed much. 

Paranoid? no. Just not interested in manipulating people or being manipulated. Some people keep to themselves and do just fine. If I have problems I can't manage, I keep them limited to professionals because these kinda problems can scare people. I don't like them either. Why I'm required to be around other people that seem uncomfortable when I'm around, I haven't the slightest clue. How that helps anyone is still a mystery. I've done that plenty. Plenty of centers. They have limits. so do I.

I want to rant a little, I'll do it in the way that I need to do it. You don't have to listen. In fact, you usually don't but hey, I'd rather not run around like a maniac. Now they're like, well no doctor's gonna wanna work with him. Well, gee, you think I like working with you? This isn't playtime. not for me. You got names yeah. I do too. It's on the damn chart. You can read. I respond to my legal name just fine. Sometimes I feel like I need to be serious. I know you can use the name on the chart. I know you don't have to lie to me. I don't like your face anymore then you like mine. You wanna demonize me? You wanna demonize my counselor for putting up with this shit? roll the dice. People have limits. And they got lawyers too. Just let it rest, and I will too. It's not funny. Don't you give me your fake smiles, don't you patronize me. Mind your own damn business. Don't you threaten me. Not in the ER, and not in MIP. You don't like me, you don't have to say anything at all. And if I choose not to say anything, maybe it's because there's not a whole lot to say about this that's helpful to the people present. Maybe it's because I really am trying to manage my own demons, rather than spread them around. And whether I'm gay, straight, or whatever really is not relevant to these conversations. My identity as a man or woman or anything in between is not relevant to these conversations. I'm not at the hospital to make friends. That is not the damn point. And with the kind of shit you're trying to teach me, maybe it's better that I don't learn. Because this is messed up. Let's not play games here. It's not funny. You wanna restraining order? keep your damn mouth shut. It's not funny. I'm not trying to learn names. That's not the point. Do I really need to know everyone's name? If it's on the records, I know your name and you know mine and it doesn't have to be a big deal. I have no problem when you use the name on the chart. I don't even object if you call me shit like darling or honey, so long as it's clear you're talking to me and it's not dehumanizing. The "it" and the "shemale" and the rest of that shit has got to go. Get over it. You don't ask me my sexual orientation. it's not your business if it's not on the chart. Get over it. You embarrassed by me? you don't like me? get over it. I got some things to let go. so do you all. You wanna teach me boundaries? like this? great job. Keep it up. The whole community will be screwed by new year's. I need 911, I will call 911 and you'll have to get over it. Or find a new job where you can pull this kinda shit. If I'm confused, it doesn't have to be a big deal. it doesn't have to be a game. If I try to stick to basic facts, that's not lying, that's telling the truth. If I'm certain of something bigger than that, you'll be the first to know. If I keep counseling going with the same counselor, that's not dating or playing games or protecting anyone. That's trying to keep myself and the community safe with someone who knows how to help me. I have responsibilities too, and that's an important one. You don't demonize or sabotage that, or I will have to start thinking about lawyers. Cuz this shit ain't funny. Do your damn job. Mind your damn business. I hear people saying shit about my counselor, there will a lawsuit. It's not your damn business. She doesn't deserve that kind of attention. I can't guarantee I won't need a hospital again. You see the chart. You see the long list of medical problems. You've got a job to do. Do it. You don't reference her outside of necessary communication, and if she needs to be contacted and she is not, there will be a lawsuit. Basic responsibility. I don't need to sign a consent form if I'm hallucinating and talking about harming people. There's laws about that. Don't pretend you don't know these things. And if I request a consent form and it's not provided, there will be a lawsuit. I know a few big words. I prefer not to use them. Do your damn job and keep your damn mouth shut. Some people know how to do that. You don't sabotage me and I won't sabotage you. It's not funny. Her name and what she does is only relevant as it pertains to the immediate facts. She is not a gossip column for you. I hear about it again, I will take action. I will name names. Not to the hospital, since y'all don't have the decency to control yourselves. You can talk about me. You don't talk about her. Not anymore. That's my boundary. You got something you need to say to her, her contact information is online. it's not that hard. It's called phone, email, fax. You got something to work out with her, make an appointment. She charges by the hour to deal with this shit. Like anyone else. Do your damn job, follow the law, keep your damn mouths shut. She does not need to be discussed in the hospital setting. She does need to be informed. You will work with her when necessary, or SCDHEC or whatever the health part is of that organization is now will be informed with details and names. It's not that hard. You wanna keep your job? follow the law. If I don't need to talk about her, then you don't either. If I hear about it, there will be trouble. I guarantee it. You sabotage her, I hear about it, there will trouble. I guarantee it. Get over yourselves. Do your damn job. This isn't about her. You don't like it? You better get used to it. Right the hell now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Right now. No more warnings. You don't talk about her, my orientation, or dehumanize me, then I won't have anything to say.

Further Thought on Labs

    This medical stuff is absolutely insane on its own. I've got more lab tests and doctors and visits, and my life revolves around this stuff. Keytones, CO2, it doesn't even have to be labels or drugs, just the basic lab results are something of their own. Eating regularly, using the CPAP, avoiding dust... talking just isn't easy any way you put it. My energy is not that high. Maybe it looks it. It's not. 

    This morning it's my liver that I'm noticing. Right foot is still a little funky. I've been told I'm focusing on the problems. The CPAP and the eating and the natural stuff. That's the solutions. The meds... the antidepressants help. Seroquel seems to help. I've got to be careful with my body. I still don't see how Gateway or Phoenix is going to help with this. There's a lot of medical that neither place would ever address. 

    The doctors are enough to keep up with. I don't know exactly how the VNS change factors in. if it even played much of a role. I wasn't happy. that's what it's there for. But I'm not changing it again. 

Low CO2 at ER

    At the ER I had low CO2 levels. that doesn't happen unless you're not getting enough oxygen. I've had trouble using the CPAP machine. Hallucinations can result from low oxygen levels. Or not eating enough. Whatever the initial cause was, I think the low CO2 levels mean more then the rest of what they found. I've gotten a lot of heat for the CPAP machine. Hospitals don't like it. Centers don't like it. It takes maintenance, it is loud, it is messy with the cables and tubes. I wasn't using it enough. the losses of consciousness, the hallucinations... I need to eat more and to use the CPAP more. My body's not that strong. 

Bubble Boy

    So here's something strange. Honestly, I don't feel like I've put a huge amount of conscious thought into this VNS device. It's one of those things that I don't feel I should try to understand that much, and it seems strange to me that people would want to know unless they have to. But the device is quite peculiar, and unfortunately by now I've had so many doctors, I was rather preferring to resign myself to being managed rather than actually managing all this. 

    Yet, in 2020, I made that decision to try being more natural. I've questioned that decision every single day. First it was no more Clozaril. Then it was the CPAP I started using less. Now it's the VNS. Now I'm having to use the CPAP again. Decrease one medication or intervention, back to another.

    The neurologist no more a fan of the VNS decision than the psychiatrist about the Clozaril. At least I avoided feeling the need to threaten a lawsuit. My popularity among the doctors has plummeted. 

    It was foolish to think that I could make these changes and not attract attention. The more quietly I try to live, the more attention I seem to attract. I can't hide in the shadows forever, but how someone this medically complex lives a quiet life in the community while remaining in contact with other people seems to be beyond anyone's understanding on this earth. 

    I had struggled so much that I wanted to help other people understand. Then I face all the problems, and it seems like I'll be spending the rest of my life working them out.

    I have collected many letters along the way. Medical terminology. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Where do you start with that many problems? I'm giving "strange" a new definition every day.

    The VNS was turned down in frequency on February 25th. If the neurologist could have seemed more hesitant to do so I'm not sure how. Damn thing was making talking and swallowing difficult, and when you feel like you're drowning in saliva then you know you have a problem or two.

    I've noticed a few things. First, these weird sensations in my head. at times the right side of my head throbs some down the temple, but more often the left side. then there's this isolated sensation that feels like the left hemisphere or right hemisphere pulsing. I don't even know the terminology for these sensations, but they can be quite distinct. Knowing that this device is used more for seizures then mental health is not particularly alarming to me, but I feel very aware of that fact and how much I use electronic devices and have sensitivity to loud noises or bright lights. I went from being numb and completely regulated to all sorts of weird feelings. 

    I would have rather left the journaling to the doctors but given how much this takes out of my life and how uncommon my life is, what can you do other than write about it and hope that somehow someone learns something. And I'd rather not spend the remainder of my life as a specimen. It's taken so much of my time.

    I want so much to write about normal stuff and then end up doing nothing because my life is anything but normal. The amount of resentment in my heart... then they're like oh but you're strong! and I'm like, screw that. I'd like some new emotions please. But that's not how it works. I can't journal what I don't experience, can't talk about what I don't experience, can't do what isn't related to my biology or experiences. Then I'm looking for the cans. Today I can feel chest pain. swelling in my feet and they seem harder to move. Blood pressure has been funky. 

    When the VNS was first turned down, I had to remember how to breathe more naturally. There were times I stopped breathing. The dust allergy seems the least of it but it's easier to focus on that then the weird stuff that comes up with the VNS. It's truly quite disturbing. But I can't ignore it. Not when 911 becomes involved. Not when your social circle is limited to medical personnel. There's not enough denial in the world to hold that together.

PRISMO

Call the 911… for your emergency

Go to PRISMO… you’ll have emergencies

 

Bounce from offices

They all have the sign

Pretty colors… but they’re so ugly

 

In the ER, we don’t want to know

We got you programmed

So our lies can flow

 

Been here before?

We don’t know your name

It’s on the chart

But we’ll keep ask anyway.

Cuz we got games to play.

 

You got a problem??

We’ll manipulate

Enough offices…

To bounce the problems around.

 

You got ethics?

Don’t deny this.

It’s fucked as shit

 

You got a program?

You got drones too

 

You know what?

There are people in this community

That you belong to.

 

So take some feedback

And don’t deny it.

 

You don’t threaten me in the ER

You don’t play games with me

It’s no longer funny.

And you can’t control me too.

Cuz we got eyes and ears too.

 

You got some lawyers?

Community has lawyers too.

More then a few.

 

You’re there for emergencies

Don’t pretend otherwise

You’re here to stay?

SO AM I.

 

You got choices?

SO DO I.

 

You got records, cameras and microphones?

Play them publicly

See what happens.

Lose your state funds

And you could go down.

You play every second.

You could go down.

I may be ugly.

So are you.

 

You call it PRISMO?

Sounds like prison to me.

 

You might hurt me.

It’ll come back to you.

Bounce the pain around

Take the survey. Put it in lost and found.

 

Scrub your records.

You can’t scrub me.

You wanna yell at me?

I got a voice too.

 

Find another name for abuse.

That name will find you.

You need some feedback?

Here it is for you.

 

Don’t sabotage the community

Because they find you.

And they got lawyers too.

More then a few.

You got names yeah?

We got names too.

There's not enough people to blame

When you create blame too.

Written 2025, Accountec, LLC

Running

One foot in front of the other

We all sprint for the finish line.

Key in the ignition

The pistons fall into motion

Neuron charge to neuron charge

My head goes round in circles

I wanna run the distance

It’s oh so long a trail

Paranoid I turn my head

And there you are a following

I wanna be beautiful too

Just like you

The engine runs

But it’s falling apart

Frightened, I turn to you

Running my fingers down your face

Tracing something that can’t be traced

Following an invisible course

Into your consciousness

I find my place

Down here in front of you

Reaching up through space

To try to reach into your consciousness

I cannot break your consciousness

So close and yet so far

Carefully, slowly, my finger withdraws

Fill this pause up

With words that remain unsaid

All the world up in your eyes

Break me, hate me, just hear my words!

I know your future holds great things

And I’d never wish to destroy what it brings

I won’t blame you if you run…

I will still find my way when this is done.

All I desire is shelter from the storm,

And I find that here with you.

I will still be running after you’re gone

I will still be running once you’ve flown

The pistons are turning

My light is still burning

Spread your wings my friend

Spread your wings

It’s time to fly

This is how our friendship ends

In the simple word goodbye.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

Inspiration

Inspiration is a demon

And it watches me.

I’d rather not hear the clock.

When fingers move of their own accord

I fear the consequences.

Check, check, recheck.

I’d like to have fewer opinions

Yours or mine,

It makes no difference.

When fingers are like machine guns…

Then you have a problem.

Why they move, I do not know.

Yet they insist on doing so.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

3.28.2025

    This iz yor FABORITE arachnid here, Spidey! A warm shout out to di Angels ob di Nort Wing ob di castle. Serbin di fiercest since 1969!