Commercial Break...

 We'll be right back after these few lawsuits...

Broke

    Well, I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.

    Got screwed over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember. 

    Leaves of September.

    I have to find something inside myself other than a mind screwed ... darkness.

    I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear to God. You're gonna pay for what you did. You whole freaking lot. The cleaning crew is coming fellas. Make way.

Malacheck

    So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah, Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin' at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...

    But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went solo... But Malacheck was in charge of my care at the 600 page hospital... he was making speeches promoting drugs... he found this one called gabapentin... he put me on it for Bipolar Disorder... shortly thereafter the company making gabapentin got sued. Yeah you see they were promoting gabapentin for Bipolar with flimsy numbers... they got in trouble... govt said they had to stop...

    This is what troubles me about these doctors... back in the 90s the thinking was a bit more primitive... Bipolar was all the rage... that suck it up man it up attitude... drug it away... I was a minor. I was a child. 

    But Malacheck, well he must have thought that was just fine, because he stopped practicing to go around making more speeches promoting these drugs.. oh he made some good money on other freaking people's suffering... yes... that's what worries me about these pills...

    Strange thing is... I heard about malacheck just this year... seems he was off on vacation... some substance was involved... death under mysterious circumstances... they are not sure exactly what happened...

    One of these days I might just have to ask Prichards, possibly under oath, so maybe evidence should not destroyed, because this is getting damned suspicious... What happened to Malacheck? What did he know about me? Tell me Prichards, are you sure about what you did? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING DRUGS?

    Prichards, I think you should take some time off. Visit your family. And I'll see you in court. And you can explain the bipolar bullshit and the drugs, the offlabels, the medical board, just you and me Prichards... I want Leaves to be there... to see you explain how reckless you were with those drugs... how much danger you placed people into... TAKE YOUR DAMN VACATION DAYS. Spend time with your family. You're going to be in a courtroom. Malacheck can't make it. Unfortunately, he's dead. But maybe your 600 page hospital friends will be there... maybe the ones that SCDHEC HAD TO TALK TO... take your damn vacation days people... think about what you're doing... and I'll see you in court. Anyone who has the stupid idea in their head of undue influence or obstruction of justice... be very careful what you do... some things are criminal. There are jails for that. I hear so much as a whisper of improper conduct, it will be recorded, and people will be held accountable. To the full extent of the law. You know who you are. You are forcing me to do this. It didn't have to be this ugly. I will let the records and the experts speak. You have been warned. No contact. No obstruction. You've already dug yourselves a hole. Even if I die, the records remain. And if anything should happen to me, I'm instructing my professionals to find the people responsible and hold them accountable. To the full extent of the law.

Final Warnings

There are certain people who should not contact me, whether directly, by third party, or by smoke signal. They shouldn't contact my professionals (outside of my caseworker). my neighbors. my friends.

I want to be excruciatingly clear. Some people are so deliberately deaf. Y'all need to get with the program while you still can. If I have to keep going around the community, warning you via third person, it really looks bad. Especially when by now at least a half dozen professionals in this community know everything. Not just from what I said. There's documents. There's been professional to professional communication. The hospitals know. The centers know. The MDs, the social workers, etc.

So for the awareness impaired, let me be clear.

My brother is not to contact me, directly or indirectly. I will not be attending family events. You've been so stubborn and willful that I can't be around you. I'll visit with two of you at a time to keep things civil. Two of you, me plus someone of my choosing. I'm tired.

Lawyers are already contacting me. Don't make me respond.

Leave the kids out of it. Tell them nothing but the truth: I love them. I keep them in my heart and mind. Don't lie to them about me. Leave them out of it. They're good kids. Let them believe the truth: that I care about them. Don't get creative. It's detrimental to their well-being.

I can be ugly if i have to. You don't want to force me to do that. No unnecessary contact. You have my caseworker's number.

Don't make this ugly. Learn to keep your damn traps shut, mind your own business. I'd like to preserve what's left of the family name. It means something to people. But given that at least a half dozen professionals know in detail and long experience the excesses of this family, y'all might want to cool it. A lot of lives were saved at the hospital. A lot of good was done. Let's preserve that. Let's be kind to each other from a distance. We are not bad people. We're just not good together. We have some good memories. Let's preserve those. Don't delude yourselves. People know. You're not that smart. Neither am I.

I'm trying to help you here. You've dug your own hole. Cut yourselves down a few notches. Start to understand the reality here. Through your own words and actions, so many people are aware that you do not have proper boundaries. That you overstep yourselves. That you are causing harm. You need to stop. Right the heck now. You do not contact me. I can text and write. I can read your messages. Leave it at that. If you have my last name, do not come anywhere near me. You have been warned. Do not make me file any reports. Do not make me use fancy terms like undue influence, inappropriate conduct, harassment, or coercion... things like that. It makes the family look bad. I want to remember the good things about this family. I want to preserve that. Allow me to do that by backing off.

It's over. I'm signing out. I have retired from my family. Y'all are on a permanent vacation. PERMANENT. You do understand english, right? Hablo Español? Don't worry, I'll repost in Italian. I just need you to stop trying. You're wearing me out. You're wearing this state out. They resent it. Several have told me exactly that. They will smile and talk to you and yet be thinking exactly that. Don't delude yourselves like I did. We can still love the good things about each other while not being around each other or causing harm.

Avvertenze Finali

  Ci sono alcune persone che non dovrebbero contattarmi, né direttamente, né tramite terzi, né tramite segnali di fumo. Non dovrebbero contattare i miei professionisti (a parte il mio assistente sociale), i miei vicini, i miei amici.

Voglio chiarire con estrema chiarezza. Alcune persone sono deliberatamente sorde. Dovete tutti adeguarvi al programma finché potete. Se devo continuare a girare per la comunità, avvisandovi tramite terzi, la cosa fa davvero una brutta figura. Soprattutto perché ormai almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti in questa comunità sa tutto. Non solo da quello che ho detto. Ci sono documenti. C'è stata comunicazione tra professionisti. Gli ospedali lo sanno. I centri lo sanno. I medici, gli assistenti sociali, ecc.

Quindi, per chi ha problemi di coscienza, vorrei essere chiaro.

Mio fratello non deve contattarmi, né direttamente né indirettamente. Non parteciperò a eventi familiari. Siete stati così testardi e ostinati che non posso starvi vicino. Farò visita a due di voi alla volta per mantenere un tono civile. Due di voi, io e qualcuno di mia scelta. Sono stanco.

Gli avvocati mi stanno già contattando. Non costringetemi a rispondere.

Lasciate stare i bambini fuori da questa storia. Dite loro solo la verità: li amo. Li tengo nel cuore e nella mente. Non mentite loro su di me. Lasciateli fuori. Sono bravi ragazzi. Lasciateli credere alla verità: che tengo a loro. Non siate creativi. È dannoso per il loro benessere.

Posso essere brutto se necessario. Non volete costringermi a farlo. Nessun contatto non necessario. Avete il numero del mio assistente sociale.

Non rendete la situazione brutta. Imparate a tenere le vostre dannate trappole chiuse, fatevi gli affari vostri. Vorrei preservare ciò che resta del cognome. Significa qualcosa per la gente. Ma dato che almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti conoscono nei dettagli e hanno una lunga esperienza degli eccessi di questa famiglia, forse dovreste darvi una calmata. Molte vite sono state salvate in ospedale. È stato fatto molto di buono. Preserviamolo. Siamo gentili gli uni con gli altri, a distanza. Non siamo cattive persone. Semplicemente non stiamo bene insieme. Abbiamo dei bei ricordi. Preserviamoli. Non illudetevi. La gente lo sa. Non siete così intelligenti. Nemmeno io.

Sto cercando di aiutarvi. Vi siete scavati la fossa da soli. Abbassatevi di qualche gradino. Iniziate a capire la realtà. Attraverso le vostre parole e azioni, moltissime persone si sono rese conto che non avete limiti adeguati. Che state oltrepassando i limiti. Che state facendo del male. Dovete smetterla. Subito, cazzo. Non contattatemi. Posso mandarvi messaggi e scrivervi. Posso leggere i vostri messaggi. Lasciate perdere. Se avete il mio cognome, non avvicinatevi. Siete stati avvertiti. Non costringetemi a sporgere denuncia. Non costringetemi a usare termini altisonanti come indebita influenza, condotta inappropriata, molestie o coercizione... cose del genere. Metterebbe in cattiva luce la famiglia. Voglio ricordare le cose belle di questa famiglia. Voglio preservarle. Permettetemi di farlo andandomene a quel paese.

È finita. Me ne vado. Mi sono ritirato dalla mia famiglia. Siete tutti in vacanza permanente. PERMANENTE. Capite l'inglese, vero? Parlate spagnolo? Non preoccupatevi, ripubblicherò in italiano. Voglio solo che la smettiate di provarci. Mi state logorando. State logorando questo Stato. Loro ce l'hanno con voi. Molti me l'hanno detto esattamente. Sorrideranno e vi parleranno eppure penseranno esattamente questo. Non illudetevi come ho fatto io. Possiamo ancora amare le cose belle l'uno dell'altro senza stare insieme o farci del male.

Dreams

A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream.

I picked me up the phone.

"Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience. Y'all taught me well. You know, on how to destroy people. By the way, Prichards wrote, said he's lost weight. Could you double his Clozaril? Oh, no, none for me thanks. Say hello to Conner for me. I know he'll take good care of my people... what's left of them."

I get frustrated with people who threaten other people or attempt to force medicate them. I get frustrated when professionals sabotage others or endanger the community. It's happened a time or two. I have a few hangups. I hope they have all taken the time to reflect upon thier actions and rethink thier lives. I'd hate to have to sue someone.  It's nasty business. I'd hate to have to speak to the Governor again. Especially about family members. But I can if someone forces me to. Rather easily, it seems. I'd rather prefer to let the governor focus on the good people of this state, not the dumbshits who can't keep thier traps shut and think they're too good for a hard lesson. Those dumb shits better let me hear them so much as whisper. Bad idea, dumb shits. Bad idea.

The School Bus

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away...

He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning.

See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove. 

Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy did it burn. He liked to go down by the little creek in the woods... see what he could burn.

He heard the beast coming. The diesel engine roared and the loud whine of the brakes cried out when the beast would turn. Shuddered to a stop right there with a hydraulic burst as the doors came open, engine rattling away.

The old place of learning had many memories. It had stood down on that state road, back behind the fast food and right across from the old mall. They had renamed it after integration. In the scramble to rearrange the education system, a black high school had been rechristened and converted to a middle school. It had stood down in Nickeltown. Off state highway 291. Pleasantburg Drive. 

The city had been built around that river. All those years ago, back before the Revolution, it had been born as a summer retreat for the folks up from the port of Charleston. You see, South Carolina started in a union with North Carolina, both states named after one of the King Charles. Charleston was founded as Charles Town, the first major city and remains to this day the largest (by most measures). It gets rather hot, and the settlers were prone to sickness from the swampy water and the storms. So they picked up, traveled Northwest, across the midlands (where at that time there was mostly swampy lands, forests and some fields), straight up into the foothills. There, in the Cherokee hunting grounds they found that river. Not a particularly large one. They took to building some mills. A main street. They build this street called Church Street. Deadended into a Church. Eventually some carriage factories and some more mills. The cotton from the lower parts of the state could be made into textiles, and the city boomed on that industry eventually. But initially the mills were mostly for grinding grain. By the 1990s it was the 3rd largest city in the state and had served as state capital for about a month when the Union burned Columbia. Charleston had ceased being the state capital long ago. 

They had called it Pleasantburg. Hence the road name. Where the new name came from was... well, see it had been a resort of bits, and very forested and natural. Very Green. Then roundabout the Revolution, the Swamp Fox did the country justice, so they decided that he was the inspiration, though they dropped the extra e and put up a statue right on Main. The textile mills disappeared in the 70s. Downtown was boarded up. It became dangerous. So they decided they needed a change. The economy diversified, and downtown was remade. In the 90s it became safe and popular. 

So Nickeltown had a school. Right near the old city dump, which closed sometime in the 70s. It had a concrete courtyard in the front. The High School had featured a Swimming pool, which had been left to nature and become a green pond. But he could remember that concrete courtyard oh so well. Not the safest place in the world. The bomb threats, people throwing things at others, the fights, gang type behavior. He had been compelled to defend himself physically a time or two. By the time he left, he had been gone in his mind so far away that it's amazing anything came out at all. 

That was when he met the hospital. Seemed a safe place at the time. They said he had the depression. They say he couldn't think so clear. Yet by the time he left that school he was thinking of the end. The darkness of the mind was powerful, and he was in the grip. Took to writing dark things.

Under the overpass and by the river... past the water treatment plant and up that hill... Across the state road... Past Augusta... by the furniture store and down into the neighborhood by the interstate... then the last turn taking it up that hill by the woods, turning right into the big lot. 

Interesting place. walking from that lot into the school, if you turned to the right and went into those woods, you could find a grave or two. The school seemed like a fortress. So he built himself up strong to survive. 

Public Service Announcement

Thank you for tuning into DarknessUntilDawn...

I'd like to give a message from our usual Sponsors... the CDC, SCDHEC, ETC...

Do not try this at home. After reading this message, click on "Personal Thoughts", "Medical", "Musical Diagnoses" and read the problem list. I literally took it right off a discharge summary. 

If you are a patient, think about how carefully you take your medication, and how sick you want to be...

If you have the power to prescribe... think about how sick you want your patients to be. Keep in mind those DEA numbers on your pads. They are there for a reason.

If you are a health care professional... Keep HIPPA in mind when you work. Keep your patients' well-being in mind. Don't screw around with other professionals. Maintain independence.

I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot. How it was. How it's changing. This is why I'd like people to tune into Poetry and "Carolina Drugs". Because I don't want South Carolina to be that way. I want a clean and calm state. One in which drug use is just something that is not actually real. Where pills are hard to find. Where it is just a story. This should be a place where sirens are uncommon. A place with trees and sunshine. The Palmetto state.

Show Time

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue!

It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology!

Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood!

Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father? 

I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges.

Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone else. 

On a side note, I've been thinking about the community and my concerns about boundaries. I'm very much hoping that anyone that has any sense who has worked with me professionally as a healthcare practitioner, particularly those with the power to prescribe, is taking their vacation days and rethinking their life a little. Maybe I shouldn't have worked with XYZ? Maybe I should have followed this law or that law? Maybe I should take an ethics refresher. Maybe I don't want DEA attention anymore. Maybe when this guy got flagged for Social Determinates of Health, maybe I popped up on one of those radars. Maybe I should think about retirement. Enjoying life. Maybe ECT is risky. Maybe rTMS should be used with caution. There's so many maybes. Hopefully before the governor talks to me. You know, before people start making threats of legal action. Before 600 pages of documents are secured from this hospital, before another hospital gets too much attention, before that hospital stops taking my patients, before people are buying guns... There's so much to think about... Maybe I shouldn't threaten people for holding others accountable? Maybe if someone is related to me, I shouldn't try to mess with their healthcare? oh so many maybes... Maybe I should think for a while... Maybe my family needs me... Maybe having my name in the paper, my picture on a wall, or ridiculous amounts of money is bad. Maybe promoting prescription drugs, especially off label, is the wrong kind of attention... Yes, perhaps I should go home and rethink my life... shut my trap now and then... maybe people don't always need to know what I think? maybe it stirs up resentment, rather than jealousy. Maybe I like keeping my job and I should do it properly, within boundaries, and shut the heck up? Naw... well... let's think about that... There's always church... but then, my uncle was a priest and that didn't work out so well. There's plenty of churches around...

Dangers of Psychiatry

Mental health requires a gentle touch. Some people should not work in mental health. some people do not understand boundaries. They think they are Gods. Then people get hurt.

Talking too much is a one way. Scribing too freely is a surefire way. Both at the same time? Recipe for disaster.

This is why some practitioners hate me right now. this is why they can't wait to shut me up. Because they know that I know their mistakes. I am their mistakes.

And the results? A mychart a mile long. Word salad. 

It was a long time ago. They were all partners. There weren't proper boundaries. There were some good intentions. But when the abusers know the providers and the providers know each other and the medication and diagnoses start flying too freely... by the time you're shipped off to McClean, it's a little late. by the time of the first coma, it's a little late.

Birds of a feather... the victims together...

Birds of a feather... psychiatrists together...

Birds of a feather... abusers together...

Birds of a feather... I've known many people. plenty of good ones.

Building a map of a mind takes humility. Not the Psychiatrists specialty. They need to cut down their egos a bit. Take their pictures off tv. take their photos off walls. Take their names out of the papers.

Go ahead, blame the patients. Go ahead, blame the social workers, Go ahead, blame the counselors. Blame side effects. Blame everyone but yourselves. Don't take vacations. Don't rotate out. Don't respect HIPPA. become partners and become too close. Refuse to retire. Go ahead. Take the insurance money, pass the pills and the blame around.

The PA is not one of you. So sorry. Now kindly go away. Yall need to retire. I'm counting the days. You can count the words. 

Am I afraid? Yes. Do I know how to fix it? no. Do I want to protect the community if no one else? Yes.

Guilty conscience... I know things, ya see... I just don't know how it works out. But I'm finding out. One day at a time. This is the mind you built. Maybe you just like yourselves too much.

Stages

My sense of humor is getting misplaced. Too much projection. Too much anger. Too little sleep. Details become clearer. Maybe the counseling is working. Now I find the stages. Ten stages. 

1. Suspicion 

2. Discovery 

3. Chaos 

4. Grieving 

5. Learning 

6. Reaching out 

7. Dependence 

8. Acceptance 

9. Resolution 

10. Moving on

Reasons

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades. 

13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

Year 6

It seems like yesterday

But it was long ago

Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights

There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and

And the secrets that we shared

The mountains that we moved

Caught like a wildfire out of control

'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove

And I remember what she said to me

How she swore that it never would end

I remember how she held me oh-so-tight

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind

We were runnin' against the wind

We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind

The years rolled slowly past

And I found myself alone

Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

I found myself further and further from my home, and I

Guess I lost my way

There were oh-so-many roads

I was living to run and running to live

Never worried about paying or even how much I owed

Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time

Breaking all of the rules that would bend

I began to find myself searching

Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind

A little something against the wind

I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now

I've got so much more to think about

Deadlines and commitments

What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind

I'm still runnin' against the wind

I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind

Well I'm older now and still runnin'

Against the wind

Against the wind

Against the wind

Still runnin' (against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) I'm still runnin'

(Against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) still runnin'

(Against the wind)runnin' against the wind, runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) see the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man runnin'

(Against the wind) he'll be runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) aah

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) they'll be ridin' against the wind

(Against the wind) against the wind

(Against the wind) ridin' against the wind...

Coffee

Hopefully the weekend will be quiet. I have to be ready to report in on monday... don't need anything new to say... don't need any new complaints... 

Oh the internist will be so proud...

I'm not sure why... I guess because I'm still intact...

Yep... I'll just enjoy my coffee... because when no one is running around and no one is causing trouble the community is so much nicer... the sun shines brighter... the pills taste nicer... everything is so wonderfully boring.

I'll just keep taking those blue pills, cuz I'm sure no one's gonna give me red ones... because we don't need excitment...

I like how they don't print out the papers anymore... I like just posting my mychart online... so everybody knows what not to do... 

That hyperlypidemia one... too much olive oil? <shrug>

I wonder what it will say this time? Seasonal happy disorder? Post hospitalization exhaustion syndrome? The PA's so good with words... maybe he'll quote a new law? Maybe I should guess? 

Oh my doctors are so proud... 

They even gave me a code to get inside. Last time it freaked me out. Last place I punched a code to get in... other then home before it broke... was the call center for crisis line. 

Overconceptualization

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel.

All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much

I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty.

Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like.

Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in jamming up the program.

You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind.

So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the talkers. I'm checking my firewalls every day. Because I have one machine. I have to protect it. Maintain it. Optimize it. I'm throwing out my scanner, I'm deleting files... running my updates... one day at a time. 

I gotta make sure I shut down now and then. I've only got so much power. Blow out my dust. Take myself off the grid. Be careful about the communications that come in. I'm not clicking those links. I'm blocking spam. 

So freaking tired. Headaches. Especially the forehead. Tingling in face. Sleepy. 

 

Wrestling Coach's Priorities

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago.

He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT.

I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health. 

Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying. 

What are the essentials? 

Financial management

Cooking

Cleaning

Home Maintenance

Mindfulness

Guitar (musical outlet)

writing

Hygiene

Fresh Air

Car maintenance

Rest

Caring for cat

Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness)

Spirituality

Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant.

So that crosses the following off the list

Psychology

Excessive IT skills

Excessive knowledge of the world

TV/videos

backwards ideas of medical, medication and Psychiatry

Mental health centers and hospitals

multiple sports

Helping people unless I'm being paid

listening to people's problems unless I'm being paid

excessive conversation

excessive foreign language skills... I do live in an area where everyone speaks English or Spanish

Obsessing over other people

Obsessing over parts of other people's pasts that I do not share

support groups

Social media

manipulative people

Blowhards

reading too much

excessive exercise

Excessive neatness

Enmeshment/Codependence Progress (Adult Content)

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers. 

They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other. 

I certainly hope I do not need to contact DSS, the medical board, or SCDHEC ever again. I am concerned however, as there are several people either biologically or contractually connected to me that do not understand proper boundaries and have professional licenses. I certainly hope I never have to file any reports. That is not something I want to do. MSWs, MDs, RNs, etc. I hope they keep their ethics requirements and the letter of South Carolina law in mind. I care about people in the community, and I have a conscience. I don't like to have to report inappropriate conduct regarding myself or others. I have enough problems.

However, DSS, SCDHEC, and the local police are readily available. For all the busybody, manipulative people out there who can't help but read this. We all have responsibilities. Keep that in mind. No unnecessary comments. No unwanted contact. No undue influence. No threats. No property theft or disruption. We all have a responsibility to follow the laws of our jurisdictions. I trust the judgement of the governmental authorities to know when action is or is not needed.

I'm tired. I'm medically complex. I've been through two comas. Don't push me. As many warnings and reports as are necessary will be made. I like this community. Don't make me educate you. The world has enough problems. Enjoy your lives. I need to be separate. Don't contact me. Don't pretend to know everything. Mind your own business. You have my caseworker's contact information. Just enjoy your lives. Let me go. I need to work on letting you go too. It's not like the entire state of South Carolina doesn't already know. It's not like they haven't been tracking Social Determinates of Health (SDOH). They do know. Enjoy your lives. Leave it be. Every time you do something inappropriate, it only makes you more guilty. So, be appropriate with minors, don't misuse medication, don't try to manipulate other professionals, and don't engage in any type of fraud. Because I can't protect you. Not anymore. People are watching. They have been for quite some time. Even if something happens to me, that doesn't erase the records or what people have already learned. It's too late. Give it up. Don't ask me to help you. I can't. You don't actually know me. Not really. Because you're in denial... the state of denial... this is South Carolina... we don't live in denial...

DID Therapy

This is the stuff memories are made of... 

Wrong.

This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy.

Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets. 

You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent.

You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD. 

You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the counselor and DID continue. Where does the intern go? Just down the hall, to the MD that's consulting to get coaching on thier experience. Meanwhile the counselor continues, and memories are unpacked, desensitized, and beliefs are restructured through education or suggestion, lifestyle adjusted, thoughts changed with details as big or small as songs played, fidgets, toys, drawing, nutrition, so many tools without a substance or medication in sight. Just the calming voices and the smiles. If the DID is in a dissociative state, subtle hints such as smells, what the counselor wears, anything at all to give the brain the right idea of what is needed that day.

This is violence reduction, desensitization of autistic symptoms, reeducation, medication and substance reduction... this doesn't happen in Springbrook or MIP or anywhere other than Austen Riggs. This is what McClean never used. This was thier mistake from day one. They hadn't the slightest clue what they were doing. Clozaril? Locked dark places? Creating monsters, one day at a time. 

McClean created autism. McClean created Bipolar. McClean created violence and ODs. Drug addictions. Harvard drug trials. Chemical experimentation. Clozaril. 

These disorders are manmade.

Be careful what you create. Shrinks just around the corner, DSM in hand.

Regrets

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start.

Not getting married in my thirties

Suicide attempts

Bad boundaries with family

bad boundaries at work

overly regimented lifestyle

not putting myself first

relying too much

taking Minipress

prescription drugs in general

bad psychiatry

Building egos

time spent in hospitals

too much tv

too much education

too much advice

contacting people without permission

worrying too much, not having fun

too much alone time

trying too hard

not enjoying simple things

talking to the wrong people

not developing hobbies as well

traveling too much

sleeping too much

Helper

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody... 

Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations...

It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx.

That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired.

The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt changes in behavior can match bipolar and its vague standards most of the time. You add in weather changes and diet changes, interpersonal influences, you get seasonal affective disorder. The DSM is excruciatingly vague. Throw a dx at a wall, it'll stick. Lapses in attention? Maybe you lost sleep, had something bad to eat, the wrong substance, were stressed, were physically sick, had a hormonal balance, even a mild seizure from a bright flashing light... bingo, you got your adhd. Don't take the drugs. Not worth it. You'll have trouble eating. Trouble maintaining weight. Energy problems. Probably headaches. If you do take the drugs, try to keep it low. I've seen what the drugs can do. It it quite frightening. Academics only takes you so far. And eventually, you do have to quit. Hopefully before you're forcibly retired or sued.

Illegal drugs are bad. Legal ones are simply tweaked illegal ones. 

Methamphetamines ADHD =Speed

Benzos/gabapentin = alcohol

Ketamine/spravato/Propofol = party drugs

Antipsychotics... dangerous beyond imagining... distort your perception... change your behavior... enable all sorts of things. But do NOT go on and off. That's very dangerous.

Minipress/propranolol... change your alertness... very dangerous. Alpha blockers, extremely dangerous. 911 dangerous.

Theres responsibility here. ATF. Professionals. Distributors. Consumers. 

Thing is, even people without a helper can lose sight of healthy limits. Too much work, trying to help too many, helping the wrong people, or misguided help.

Note to Reeders

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play. 

🕸️

Sigo viva

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo.

Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti?

Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un...

Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años,

tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto,

pero me alegra que hayamos hablado...

Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye... oh...

Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven.

Dijo que estoy lista... para ti.

No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy.

Excepto la mirada, la mirada...

Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente...

Yo, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, chico, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, sigo viva, sí.

Ooh, sí... sí, sí. Sí... oh... oh...

¿Pasa algo?, dijo ella.

Pues claro que sí.

Sigues viva, dijo ella.

Ah, ¿y merezco estarlo?

¿Es esa la pregunta?

Y si es así... si es así... ¿quién responde... quién responde...?

Yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Sí, yo, ooh, sigo viva.

Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Sponsors

DID would like to thank the following Sponsors:

SC DHEC

SocSecAdmin

DeptSS

THE MEDICAL BOARD OF SC

SC GOV OFFICE

AUSTEN RIGGS CENTER

MCLEAN HOSPITAL

MIP Hospital

SPRINGBROOK Hospital

CCBH Hospital

MEMORIAL Hospital

BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS Hospital

CRISISLINE

SAFEHARBOR

JV

LITHIUM

CLOZAPINE

SEROQUEL

DEPAKOTE

GABAPENTIN

RITALIN

ADDERALL

PRAZOSIN

PROPRANOLOL

ABILIFY

FANAPT

LATUDA

....

Electro Convulsive Therapy

rTMS

VNS

....

Please do not try this at home.

It will kill you eventually.

All in the family. 

This is what happened. And now they know. Everyone knows.

DID... everything to everyone... the tax clients, the family, the hospitals, the crisisline, the safeharbor, multiple schools, multiple fields, IT, psych, it was hell.

I can't be DID... I can't be everything to everyone. I quit. I resign my last name.

familia

 El DID no existe...

Yo no existo...

No te importa este sitio web...

Quieres quedarte en casa y ocuparte de tus asuntos...

No quieres llamar...

No quieres enviar mensajes...

No quieres que nadie más lo haga para informar...

No quieres visitar...

Quieres ocuparte de tus asuntos...

famille

 DID n'existe pas...

Je n'existe pas...

Vous n'êtes pas intéressé par ce site...

Vous voulez rester à la maison et vous occuper de vos affaires...

Tu ne veux pas appeler...

Vous ne voulez pas envoyer de messages...

Vous ne voulez pas que quelqu'un d'autre le fasse à votre place...

Tu ne veux pas visiter...

Vous voulez vous occuper de vos affaires...