Any Day Now...

If anyone still thinks this is funny or not criminal, YOU ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. Records. Tests. Drugs. Doctors. Centers. Hospitals. Not just two states. SC, MA, and yes, GA. Einstein in Atlanta. And he did try to say something. No one was listening. I was I think 19 then. This is Human Trafficking, Drug Trafficking, Human experimentation, and abuse, with reckless endangerment at a minimum. On someone who was a minor, then a drugged minor, then a drugged adult. That's what this is. They tell me that there are other victims. They tell me it's not all about me. So what happens next? I can't be the one to decide. It needs to be a federal Judge. I firmly believe that. Someone needs to look at all this evidence, question the witnesses, find any other victims of this system, and hold people accountable. I firmly believe that. 100%. I cannot be the one to decide what happens. Federal money was used. Across state lines. I worked in tax. There's a shit load of laws in question. Someone needs to decide. A judge. What should be done. Not me. I'm trusting my treatment team and the Federal authorities to do something about this. They have the evidence. They have been in communication. They need to act.

Ethics

So they were too happy studying me and scribing drugs and making money and having fun analyzing me... PRISMO... GREENVILLE PSYCHIATROPY... Assmussen... MCCLEAN... any one of them could have identified the trauma disorder, right from the initial 1996 at MIP. They could have stopped it a LOOOOONG time ago. But no. They love their DSMs and their drugs. They love wasting public money on this shit. PERMANENT DISABILITY. Oh it makes all the sense in the world. Independence? Ethics? Red flags? Ooooooh noooo...... we don't worry about that stuff. We want medical perfection. Drugs out the wazzooo.... our ECTs, our VNSes, our rTMSes... Anmed was alarmed when they caught on... but that took a while... Spring brook was alarmed... Lost and Rigged was alarmed. The other places were not. So yeah, an interstate human experiment. On me. Why not. Only a few comas. Not a big deal. Trauma? Noooooooooo, it couldn't be trauma. Lawsuit? Nooooooooooo never grounds to sue.... not on this... Criminal? never. I tend to disagree. I thought Girl Interrupted was dark. Then I started to wake up. Black as night. And you wonder why I have nightmares. Oh sure he's faking. It's all bullshit. Nevermind all the records and the tests they ran. Decades worth. No, we'd prefer the money and lack of responsibility. It's his fault. He was in charge of his care. He wrote the scripts. He did the ECT. He installed the VNS. He did the rTMS. It was all him. Nope, no responsibility for anyone else. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. He's that fucking smart. Bullshit. I'm not that smart. I am NOT that smart. Fucking pricks. No let's Bipolarize. Let's whateverize. Let's ignore all the evidence and common sense to the contrary. Let's bounce the pain across states. Let's make this a federal mess. Not just SC. And then you wonder why I report myself to the FBI. Hmmmmm... I'm not the only pissed off one. Waste of public money. Medical system run amuck. On someone who was too drugged to make it stop. How is that not criminal? Tell me, how is this not criminal? ACROSS STATE LINES. LACK OF INDEPENDENCE. MINOR. DRUG TRIALS. FUDGED NUMBERS. DOSES FAR IN EXCESS OF GUIDELINES. COCKTAILS OF DRUGS. Oh no it's his fault. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. We had nothing to do with it. Ashes? oh let's bury him. Find a hole. Just drug him up, CCBH style. Then find a hole and bury him. Wipe the memory clean with ECT. Took a five foot tall women to call bullshit on you guys. I bet you hate her guts. Almost as much as you hate mine. So yeah, I'm not the only angry one. 

Ptsd

Did is really very similar to ptsd. I only talk about it because its slightly different and because it shouldn't have to be that scary. They're all just labels for problems. That's all the dsm is. Descriptions of problems. It's not a movie. Im not a criminal mastermind im just angry. Like someone with ptsd. Extremely angry. But people around me don't get it. They can't drive that point through their thick skulls. They're fucking know it alls. Always will be. They say im the delusional one. But everyone has delusions. Even doctors. God complexes. Fucking pricks. So superior. Then its all be nice to the people helping you. Fuck you. I helped yall too. So be fucking nice to me. And drop the attitude. Stop the superiority. Step down off your pedestal. Narcissists. The dsm works both ways. All interpretation. 

Fear

I seriously wouldn't be in counseling if I was trying to be dangerous. I seriously could have hurt people a long time ago if I wanted that. Just because I'm 5'11, 200-250 pounds, and still somewhat athletic doesnt not make me dangerous. Just ask the small women. Like molly. Or Elle. Or leaves. They never got a scratch. I pushed a doctor once. 26 years ago. Not exactly a history of violence. But they fear me. Because of the labels, the way I talk. Because of the gun i bought when prichards went crazy with minipress. I hope he retired. He needs to.

Intensity

This is too intense. But they tell me I can't just go around it or put it away. I have to work through it. I think my history proves that. I think my history also proves that it doesnt happen quickly or easily. But there has to be more. But if I can't get the anger down, I can't get more. They say some things are permanent. That there's no fix, no drug. No easy answer, just work. That i might have a relationship eventually. That i won't have a normal life. Career. More then one professional saying that. And I've had them disagree on different things, but some things they agree on. That I'm angry. For one.

 There are literally doctors and LPCs that won't let me quit. They say there are victims. These people are working around me. They don't tell me everything. I don't know what to do. I'm not law enforcement or a lawyer. They won't let me contact a lawyer. They talked to the FBI. So what do i do?

Nightmares

I do have nightmares. Day and night. Molly says that I'm not the only one. And I misunderstood. I misunderstood who the other ones were. EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why this has to go to court. This has to go to rest. IRREVOCABLE HARM. TO EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why they call this PTSD. Because we have nightmares about pills and guns and the people involved. That's why Prichards will see me in court. I have to get my anger below a 7. I have to maintain my body. Until that day I see that man in court. There are people that got me here. I know they want to see this end. And it will. This doesn't last forever. It just takes time and space. I use the calm app. I keep it on during the night. The music is so soothing. I think the sleep apnea was actually asthma that was covered up by the drugs. THE HOUSE WAS FULL OF PILLS PRICHARDS. YOUR DRUGS. Yeah I'm angry. How do you think the others feel? You think they like this? I don't think they do. I think they lose sleep too. That's why this has to go to court. IRREVOCABLE HARM. And I'll get there. Maybe Leaves and Elle will come. Maybe the others will get to see it end. 

No I don't blame Springbrook. They knew it was insane. I don't blame the ERs or the ICUs. In my mind, there are primarily two men responsible, and one is dead. One is still alive. They called him the magic maker. People sang his praises, including me. I've not had contact since 2020. I have no desire to go anywhere near there. That place is more haunted then any place I can think of. The house was full of pills. You couldn't walk around without finding a pill. All sorts. on and off label. Dosages from low to way outside the guidelines. Seroquel as high as 1000 mg. Minipress. It was over ten at least. Outside guidelines. Mirapex. Way outside guidelines. gabapentin. Outside guidelines. Multiple medications at once. When I say Supermedicated. When I say dangerous. When I say drug trafficking. I am. DEAD. SERIOUS. 38 calibur dead serious. 911 dead serious. This shit doesn't go away.

And I do have responsibilities. I have to keep South Carolina safe from dirty doctors. Timmons and the governor and the board are helping me do that. One of them is dead. I'm not worried about MA. I'm worried about SC. I need to keep it safe. I have my purpose. You can call that my religion. There's just one man that needs to be afraid. I'm pretty sure he knows the cleaning crew is coming. And if the FBI is aware, then SC doesn't need to be afraid. Only one man needs to be afraid. Time to retire. Then I can go back to what we would call normal life. The going out in public and the normal stuff. But I need that anger down. If there's a "Fix" for me, it's seeing this through. I'm not sure exactly how long it will take or the hows. But I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't involve any more pills then I currently take. I don't need more magic. 

I did not have the dx's to justify so many meds or the dosages or combinations. It was not safe. Or the medical board would not have talked to the governor. I'm not supposed to talk about that. But it's hard not to. These people have gotten me here. I have a job to do. KEEP THIS COUNTY SAFE. So no, I'm not afraid of the police. I have no reason to be. As unpopular as some of the LEGAL substances I sometimes take are, I 100% believe they are far safer then the dosages and combinations I was on. But I'm being watched by plenty of people. So if that changes. They'll know. The hallucinations and the paranoia, it comes for a reason. BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED. I HAVE BEEN DRUGGED. Ghosts of doctors in my head. Oh I know them well. I've known many. Conner was... actually a very disturbing individual to be around. You have to be. To walk around in a place like that. That was a long time ago. But I don't think we have to worry about MA so much. I think MA can worry about MA. This is SC. I'm worried about SC. And I'm going to keep it safe. Oh they made a demon of me. But I'm not the only one. The cleaning crew is working on it. You may think I deserve it. That somehow I earned it. But regardless, I'm ending it. And certain men who drive Mercedes purchased off of irresponsible and immoral behavior have reason to be concerned. Because the cleaning crew is coming. That nest of vipers better keep their insurance, take their vacation days. The lot of them. The clock is ticking. There are people watching that clock. I don't know how many. I'm pretty sure all of PRISMA is to some extent watching that clock. Because they don't want to get swept up. And they won't. I can't predict what will happen. But there's records out the wazzoo. There's enough experts aware in this state alone. When this goes to court, it will not be that hard. It will not be that messy. I was a bit confused. I'm still not totally clear. But the experts and the records can speak. If necessary, there are some witnesses that can speak. And we'll get this cleaned up. 

Cranky

Maybe i get overly cranky. Maybe im not that odd. How many shrinks have I met? Let's see... attendings... maybe 7 prisma, 2 springbrook, the ccbh one, conner, that guy at the bershires... started with a z i think... then the residents and medical students... maybe 6 or 7. Sooo... close to 20. Then the counselors... let's see... maybe 8. 

The shrinks it was more like punching keys on a keyboard... the counselors, it could go off in wierd directions. This is where the boundaries became problems. Some it was like pulling teeth... others it was too smooth, and then like how the hell did i get here? 

I absolutely hated cbt. It's not so bad in practice. But actually doing the counseling was God awful. 

Sometimes things got off track. The most off track was with the LPC-A. now she had the greatest enthusiasm and effort. It started to feel sideways. Thankfully we were wrapping up. Im glad I did that though. It helped. Gave me new ideas about which directions to go. How to deal with my issues from a different perspective. New ideas of areas to explore, things to try.

Now I get to talk to interns, which is nice. Cuz then the tables are turned a bit. I get to do almost all the talking. And they get to practice. I used to be the vegetable. The mental health people would tend me. Now every semester there's a fresh crop of interns. So I get to be the farmer. 

Odd

Im told im odd. And I've been analyzed near to death. But I've spent time in some odd places. Some people stay in the same place. They stay with the same people. I've met all sorts. I've gotten to know so many people so well.

My favorites are the more mild mannered guys or the women. 

And yeah I have a special place in my heart for nurses. It's a little embarrassing. But... they work hard. 

I've met some strong personalities. I used to talk more. These days I've been more selective about talking. Tired of the conversations. Sometimes I take a while. I observe. I watch the dynamics. Individual personalities. Mannerisms. Gauging different people. Sometimes I just learn. Other times I make more of a surgical strike. By this age most people know the things they want to say and to which people. Im getting some of that. But I like to get a feel for a crowd and be selective with my conversation. Because I can talk up a storm... but it gets tiresome. There were times in my life I didn't talk at all. Like when I was 13. Barely said a word. 

There are some people I can't forget. I remember the nurse manager at Lost and rigged. She was maybe in her late 50s at the time. We would go on walks in the mornings. I loved our walks...

I guess I've been holding too much in. By the end of tax season i was coming apart. I loved doing it so much. About 180 returns. I pushed too hard. But they needed me. We were short. And I met so many people. All sorts. White trash. Blacks. Hispanics. Asians. Rich and poor. I did my first farmer.  It was fun. Lotta Cs. Some Es. A few strange characters. But I did love doing it. That's why it was hard to stop. But then I compared to a similar level person. I was doing twice what she did. She was about to cry. I've got to not push so hard. But I love meeting the people.

Dissociation

 Sometimes When I'm very dissociative I start laughing and crying at the same time. It reminds me of that purple heart guy. Sometimes When things build up you just go in different directions at the same time. Like that joker character. Wierd type of angry sad overwhelmed

Invisible friend

I've met many people who have heard voices. There was this one guy on CL. He had a female hallucination that he was friends with. I don't remember his name or the hallucinations name. But it was interesting listening to him talk about thier relationship. It seemed strange at the time. But I was heavily medicated. Now I have several. I don't consider them friends. They're parts of me.

So sometimes I hear voices... one sounds like a sort of cyborg...

One sounds like an angry old man

One sounds more like a young woman

One sounds like an adult woman

One sounds like a kid

One doesnt have a particular sound

One sounds more like the me I've know most my life

And the last sounds like a young man

They have songs too...

Ebbyday dat molly pind gnew waze to inspire spidey... den I sing my song...

Spidey gonna get webby...

On a 66 chebby...

When tings get hebby...

Molly keep it steady...

Den der used to be tAmy

But she wasn't di samy...

So spidey get webby...

Till di web is ready...

Tired

Spidey get obberwhelmed. Ebbyday, Spidey say, DIS WILL BE DI THREAD TO RAVEL ALL COBWEBS! ... den its just a bunch ob tred.

Mistake vs Failure

 Everyone makes mistakes. A mistake isn't failure until the end. 

I'm 43. At 17,18, and 19 I tried to kill myself. Those were mistakes. Somehow, I'm still here.

at 40, Prichards went gonzo with tons of different meds and I had bought a gun and all sort of shit. So there were mistakes. To different degrees, we made them together. But I'm not dead yet.

at 43. I'm still here. So in fact, I HAVE NOT FAILED YET. I have made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I've made some pretty dramatic ones. And as much as I may be angry, 

See when I started my life, my first desire as a kid was to be a cop. Parents wouldn't have it. So it moved through programming to teaching back to IT then to psychology, then back to IT then Accounting then I tried to apply to the IRS and to the FBI (forensic accountant), then this medical blew up. Then I had to think. And I did more accounting. Then I started writing again, and it was to make a book, then I got back into poetry, then I decided that since I seem to be stuck here and unable to keep the tax job stable (too seasonal), and since I'm on govt money, I want to write about greenville. But not just about me personally, but about the city and the county in a more rounded way.

See I've been around different folk. Europe. Central America. Alaska. SE. Unfortunately not Africa or Asia, unless you count St. Petersburg, which I think is still technically europe. Anyways, not just different places, different types. Crisisline, Austen Riggs, MA, Psych hospitals... you meet all kinds of folks... my jobs in IT, tax, and retail. Clemson. Tech. I've been around dirt poor. I've been around filthy rich. Different cultures and ethnicities. I don't know everything. But I've had a lot of exposure. Some people should keep that in mind. Thinking they are the ultimate repository of knowledge. I've been around so many Phds, MDs, and sorts... no one knows everything. So another thing I'm trying to do is help some people learn to shut their traps. Y'all created me. Be Proud. So hopefully I can do that. My energy does seem to be limited, and my learning capacity is slowing down.

Anyways, The thing is, though myself and the people I've worked with have made mistakes, the truth is none of us has actually failed just yet. That's what got me to keep going. Not revenge. Because we're all still alive, most of us... so... we haven't failed yet. So that got me started on what Arson called "OH GREAT, HE WANTS TO BE STUDIED". That's actually a pretty good idea. See, we can still make this work. So now we're learning together. Me, PRISMA, the old guard, and South Carolina. Maybe we can do something special. Aside from threats and lawsuits and stuff. Maybe we can influence people to be responsible with medical care, eat more healthy, think more independently, be more positive. Even when we're angry. Anyways, I hate to mention the name on the building thing but, fact is, so long as it's there, it's hard to shut me up. So I get to criticize. I'll get heat for it. But. I'm also getting heat for not doing it. Can't please everyone. See, it is, like my sister said, OK to be angry. It's OK to have emotions. It really is. We are not robots. Though I think I've moved down a bit from 10 to about a 6. Maybe 5. But like the counselor explained... it's not one and done. It's not a one way road. I'm going to have different emotions at different intensities and that intensity will go up and down. Contrary to Prichards belief, I am in fact not dangerous, I do get to make decisions, I get to have feelings, I get to have a life. Because if I am anyone's property, I am federal property. Country first. Then South Carolina. Not that I like what the federal govt is doing right now. But I'd to avoid politics. There's plenty of places for that.

Control

I hope I'm getting the point across that trying to control people or make ridiculous amounts of money is bad. That circling the wagons and groupthink is self-destructive in the end. That cover ups are bad. Because if you still think that no one is trying to cover something up, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING INTELLIGENCE. I'm just waiting for a judge to rule on this once and for all. So people will stop fucking around with each other and with the medical system. That my fucking life mission. Fing DEAL WITH IT. I get to have emotions too. You don't have to be around them. It's not a prerequisite. No one is God. NO ONE. So in a sense I am religious. Because I believe that God has given me this mission. To keep certain damn people in their fucking places. As publicly as they make necessary. To keep this state quiet and safe. Cuz this is so stupid. And I had help getting me here. MIP. Didn't teach boundaries. Didn't have independence. Prichards. That Psychologist that taught at Furman. Prick. Certain people I've been close to. Some people just have no sense. But it catches up to you. So now I am property of Greenville, SC and the Federal Govt. Everyone else needs to fuck off. Don't make me repeat myself. It's too late to shut me up. You can evict me. You can do that. Other than that. Not much else. So please do not read this if it upsets you. And do not weaponize this site. But use it to help yourself or entertain yourself. Responsibly. Then mind your fucking business. And i'll continue to repeat key words so people get the point. Not because I like to. But so people get the point. It's so fucking ridiculous you're making me do this. But we all get here. We're here now. Right here. So. Let's make the best of that. Separately. Be intelligent. I know you can do it. I have FAITH. You CAN MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. Repeat after me. I will shut the fuck up. Good. Now. I will mind my own damn business and not fuck around with other people's business. Good. I will not force medicate or manipulate someone else's healthcare. Now Repeat those three statement 27 times. If you have any questions, consult a priest.

Ridiculous

Ridiculous (noun): Beyond understanding or unexplainable.

Examples:

Gossip trees reporting on one person throughout the community

Having to publish one's medical information online because the medical system ran amuck

A family obsessed with medicine

Getting rich off drugs (legal ones)

Promoting drugs for conditions with flimsy numbers

Having to ask the FBI to monitor your communications and contact your treatment team

Threatening people over their relationship with someone else

Treating someone like they are your property

Reading things you don't like and then bitching about them but then insisting on continuing to read

Illegal activity

Threatening jail for showing up at a hospital

Threatening restraining orders for the same

Manipulating someone else's health care decisions

Operating a family like a cult

Repeatedly invading someone else's business AFTER REPEATED WARNINGS

Being robotic

Psychiatry

saying shit like "well you can pass any test if you take it enough" DUH. hello?

Opening your mouth when it doesn't need to be open.

Trying to erase someone's mind or manipulate them through unwanted education, ECT, or ridiculous prescriptions

Continuing to practice medicine when you fucked up so badly that someone is going from hospital to hospital to try to fix this shit.

Fixating on gender or orientation

Not taking the hint after the 586th warning.

Thinking you know so much that you just can't help but spout your mouth off the same person over and over long after they tell you to fuck off.

Doctors

Having to repeating the same message 5000 times or in multiple languages and dialects.

Needing to use the world as witnesses so certain people will fuck off

Permanent disability... especially when if someone is just left the fuck alone, they might be just fine.

Not minding your own business.

Shipping someone across states because they're not quite perfect and you wanna give it another go

locking up family and expecting them to be happy about it.

Not moving on. Individually. Or expecting another person to move in the direction you want. 

Not understanding that life doesn't go as planned and sometimes people go in different directions

Thinking that biology or medication or religion independently determine everything exclusive of experience. 

Simplistic thinking in general.

Being so jealous of someone that you can't help but fuck with them. Especially if they are broke and alone. It makes no sense.

Medicine Cabinet

Since everyone is so fascinated by my medications, I thought I would illuminate.

Currently, my cabinet includes:

Buproprion SR (Wellbutrin): I really like this one. Depression and offlabel ADHD. Norepinephrine and dopamine primarily. Rather reliable. The xl is fewer pills but the hospital hates xl because of insurance. 

Pristiq (desvenlafaxine): depression. I like this one a lot. Very similar to but seems better then effexor. Serotonin and Norepinephrine primarily 

Remeron (Mirtazapine): this one is low dose, cPTSD and sleep but its an antidepressant. Primarily dopamine, I believe

Aterax (hydroxzine): anxiety. Antihistamine. 

Propranolol (Beta Blocker): blood pressure medication used for ptsd

Max strength Benadryl 5/28 max 1/7days

(Or atarax 25-100)

Lion's Mane

Chaga

Inhalor

Epipen (but on beta blocker)

Inositol (Vitamin B8) (Artstick)

Zinc

Magnesium

Ginkgo Biloba 5/28

Multivitamin 

Holy Basil tea

Ashawangha tea

Chamomile lavender tea w/ probiotics

Lavender supplements (Artstick)

Probiotic plant protein (Artstick)

GABA: found at pharmacy/health food stores

5/16/25 30 day supply of sleep supplement consisting of melatonin, l theanine, and flower extract.

5/16/25 abilify 2

5/16/25 ativan 1mg pending for going near hospitals

Electrolyte water: to adjust for clozaril d/c and aid general function

mike may fanatically remind people on occasion I've tried hemp products. These have primarily been cbc and thc. Once it was thcv. Long ago, under prichards advice, i tried CBD. MDs are absolutely obsessed with this stuff. They dont like anything they can't maniacally control. They are obsessed with control. They truly think they are gods, they just don't admit it in public. It's obnoxious beyond all belief. Completely unhealthy. But the fact is Prichards recommended both cbd and thc. FACT. He had other patients on thc and was aware of this. FACT. He manipulated countless meds, often offlabel, often outside recommended dosages. And that will come out in court whether i live or die. That man WILL ANSWER FOR HIS ACTIONS. PERIOD.  END OF STORY. MATTER CLOSED. I WILL HAVE THIS REVIEWED BY A JUDGE. So shut your damn traps. YOU GUYS TAUGHT ME THIS. BLAME YOUR OWN DAMN SELVES. I GOT THIS FROM MDS and nutritionists. By the time I met my counselor, I had already tried cbd and thc. Fact. Thank prichards.

A Special note to obnoxious and unethical health professionals. Any attempt to influence my health care WILL BE REPORTED. SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS. FBI, MEDICAL BOARD, DSS, OR WHOEVER NEEDS A REPORT. THANK YOU FOR TUNING THE FUCK OUT. I've already spoke to fbi about this. They are aware. Do not make me put you on a radar. My family, contrary to popular belief does not control the world, nor does anyone control me. Please shut your traps. (FOR the educated, that means stop talking).

Dear ER Staff

The funny thing was, you got a little more twisted out of shape then you needed to be. A dissociative episode does not have to be a big deal. I'm not exactly sure what you found so alarming. But threatening and running a lot of different people in and lying to me are not exactly ways to be productive, gain trust, or help people. 

I do appreciate the Sprite. 

Refusing to change the urine bags when I'm obviously in pain and they are obviously full is just all sorts of stupid. It's not hard. You have eyes. Even if you're a cleaning person you can tell the people standing right outside watching THAT DUH he's in pain and needs help. 

That aside, it was bizarre that the doctor lied about the lab results. There was definitely stuff that you found. And yes, my phone did die. And no my family wasn't helpful. So congratulations, now my emergency contact is my LPC. YOU DON'T GET A FUCKING CHOICE. You contact someone that can help. 

That said. I do appreciate some of the communication instruction and the ideas on what to relay to my family. Not sure why I could not pee. The RNs were very rough. Unnecessarily so. I've had catheters before. They did not have to be that rough, and I can file lawsuits. Remember that. 

Anyways, you guys did fine as far as to keep my health intact. I guess I'll ask my internist to recheck the labs to make sure they return to normal. 

Some of you seemed angry and others amused. You'll be happy to know I do not remember any names. At points I wasn't sure who was the doctor and who was the nurse. If you're wondering where I got the curse words from, you taught me. Remember, Garbage in, Garbage out. You treat me like shit, don't be surprised if I get ugly. You curse, I curse. You lie... I call you out.

Maybe save the comments about shipping me out of state. The guy that transferred me to MIP. I can remember things from time to time. I can be nice. I think you can remember I've been nice before. I can be ugly too. Don't worry about the names. FBI has eyes. So just forget about it.

Let's not do this again. Maybe if there's a next time I'll try Bon Secours. But I like holding people ACCOUNTable. So who knows. If I go back to Vinewell, I'll have a word about the vital checking. Don't worry though, they're not eager to see me either. I've got rather acute hearing. Somethings I can ignore.

I am not the property of my family. You don't need to talk about me being a disappointment to my father or anything about my treatment team or anyone I know. They do not actually control me. No one actually does, but if I am accountable to someone right now that would be my treatment team and the Federal Government. South Carolina did try to succeed. We failed, guys. 

** Author's note: I would have indeed changed it myself, but my hands were not steady and it is a biohazard **

Public

See, what I have learned is that I do not have the right to privacy. Cuz people don't leave me the fuck alone. So, I'm just publishing my entire life here until some people lose interest in fucking with me. 

So let's get started. I was born here in Greenville in 1981. Greenville General. It moved to Memorial. My father was a doctor, sister a social worker, other sister an anthropologist, brother a psychiatrist. I have 6 nieces and nephews who mean a lot to me. 3 boys and 3 girls. My mom from Italy and my dad from New Jersey. 

I had some early childhood trauma. Ended up making MIP my other home. Beck Middle School. Southside High School. Worked at Taco Bell. My family put me at Furman. I got expelled. Not a long story, but I'll get to that. Then I went to MA. Two Hospital/Treatment Centers. Worked in Fast Food. Came back down, worked at the grocery. Started taking history and business and some other courses at Tech. Transferred to Clemson. Psychology. Graduated. Worked in IT. Got two certifications in that. Went to my Masters Program. Got my Accounting Degree. Worked in some Corporate and Tax. Legally disabled since 20. Learned how to Busybody with the best of them. Learned God complexes. Was forced to develop a sense of humor. Pushed too hard. Trying to slow down. People still try to speed me up. Tired. Pissed off. Developed memory problems and a tendency to repeat myself, especially when people don't listen. Heard too much, seen plenty. Volunteered for 3.5 years at Crisisline. Never married. Dated someone for about 3 years or so. She got married. Not your fucking business. Anyways. I did try the trans thing briefly and flirted with the gay thing. Right after Clozaril stopped. Had to figure things out a bit after so much chemical and psychological manipulation. Decided I was too old and tired to experiment too much. Now I stay at home mostly. Until the people around me stop fucking with me. As long as it takes. Thinking about hobbies some. But right now my goal for hobbies is the guitar and writing. I need to go through a few extra belongings. Stop breaking into psych hospitals. I enjoy my cat. I like to read. The library doesn't like that I like to read. They don't like my Mrs. Doubtfire. They're pruds. I need to return that book but I hate going there now. They need to adjust their attitudes. All I'm trying to do is check out books. If they make it difficult then it will be difficult. I advocate some. I don't understand their narrowmindedness. Public areas are for EVERYONE. GET OVER YOURSELVES. 

That's a basic outline. Thank you for reading.

This Week

Let's see... this week I have to pick out more stuff for the checkers to donate or throw out... I have coffee... I have mindful... I need to reconnect my printer and my tv to the network (thanks FBI if that was you). Check the website to make sure no one will kill me over what it says... check the links again... reduce my old OTC/hygiene stuff... work on my anger... avoid filing more reports... Not yell at anyone... Be careful not to overexert... go for some walks...

Last Names

I realize there has been a lot of stress in the community over my last name and people with it. To some extent people need to mind their own damn business. To another extent, people need to stop making everything MY specific problem. Regardless of the blame game, people have to live here. Myself included. Only so many holes to bury me in. So to everyone on earth: it's only a name and each of us is only one person. I need to consolidate my memory and work on my health with my team. Whatever it is you want from me or people who know me, you can leave comments or contact the email provided. One person or one group of people (a family, a hospital, a community) can only do so much. For those of you who desperate to shut me up, medicate me, career me, or otherwise manipulate me into this that or the other thing, please fuck off. I will do what I can when I am able. DO NOT GIVE ME INSTRUCTION. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. The Federal Govt may own me (through Disability) but no one else does. I am not your property. Contact the FBI or my treatment team if you feel otherwise. Thank you. 

Communication

I'm Reminding everyone who knows me or wants something from me, DO NOT CONTACT ME IN REAL LIFE or AUDITORILY. If you need to contact me, there is a comment feature and an email, I have facebook, whatsapp, some people have my number and can leave texts or emails. Again, I have asked FBI to monitor my communication due to continuous harassment. I intend to keep my own damn opinions until my dying breath and to aid and assist the general community in what way I can, which will be determined by my treatment team free of undue influence. You harass me or them and there will be reports filed. So leave it be. This DOES NOT GET FIXED. IT IS CALLED MEDICALLY COMPLEX FOR A REASON. Leave it be. 

Faith

Years, ago, when I was highly medicated, I walked around as if I was a different person. My mind was simpler. My thoughts and dreams were different. It seemed natural to focus on career and wealth and being connected and pushing for more.

It is easy to put on those rose colored glasses, especially if you have letters after your name or you have chemicals in your system. But the world isn't that way. There are no angels here on earth. This is reality. There is safety and there are dangers. 

Names are not everything. 

I do not believe there is perfection anywhere, in anyone, or anything here on earth.

Do I believe in God? Am I saved? I've gotten that a lot. I do not believe in predetermination. I also do not believe in good works buying one's way to heaven.

I do believe in God. I was raised Catholic. Some events in my life have challenged my beliefs. And I have known atheists and God Complexes and pop culture types and Hindus and Muslims and even Shintoists and Deists and polytheists. 

So I believe in one God, but I'm ok with people believing other things. I do not believe there is one recipe for life. I am not looking to be converted by any religion. The biggest issue I have with Christianity is the Gender roles. The second biggest is the pitting of science vs the Bible. I happen to be one of those weird people who believe that the Bible and Evolution can both be true. God created the Earth and everything on it, including the evolution of the animals. Just like Angels can fall, man can lose his way in different ways. Anything can change. The earth can change. People can change. 

Being addicted to sameness or perfectionism or a particular person or thing is dangerous.

I've gotten a lot of feedback from different people and places. I have trouble remembering. But I am a collection of all of that experience. Various Hospitals, countries, people. Given my health, I need to consolidate my memory and try to learn from all of this fairly intense experience.

The best way to not get like this is to be careful what you experience. Be careful with what you put in your body, how hard you push, what influences you expose yourself to. If you're on antipsychotics, that's harder to do. People looking to convert me: My mind is too stressed and overwhelmed to really absorb much more. Don't try too hard.