Face Heat

I remember youth. Sometimes my ears would turn red. Parents were like, whats wrong. Took me to internist. The internist had a roundabout way of saying I was embarrassed. Now its face burning. You could say hormones or a chemical or nutrition. Maybe its just anger. People are not, in fact, robots. Emotions are not wrong. Perfection is not to be expected. Relationships go sour. Jobs go sour. Sometimes you need a vacation. Or do that walking away thing. Sometimes, communicating in writing is the best one can hope for. 

Speaking

People are like, don't say this, don't say that. Do this, don't do that. Pick something already? Or maybe just give me my words in advance? Nice guys do finish last. Being strong and being nice don't always work well together. Sometimes you have to make people angry. Sometimes helping people means doing what they don't want you to do, saying what they don't want to hear. And if they don't listen, you walk away or get louder. You don't keep walking down that dead end road. 

Under Maintainance

This Person is under maintenance until anger becomes less of a vocabulary word. I'm simply going in too many directions. I care about the kids. They know that. I'm there from a distance.

At times, it does seem like there are sides. Almost like being split between different interests or groups of people. 

Less is More...

A little less angry...
A little more organized...
Slow but not too slow...
More judicious with honesty...
Maybe just taxes and writing...
A little less driven to distraction...
A little less blame...
A half dozen fewer people with lower morals...

one car washed...

A few clothes to donate...

A few less doctors in my head.

Crabby

Vlad!! STOP AXKING WHERE DI BLOOD STAND IS!

Dat Bat. Nebber a dull moment. Spidey just wanted to go to di beach, ride di wabes, but noooooo... der is he is again. He's behind di udder sand dune. UHOH! He saw Fwed. Di seagulls are patrolling di beaches. Der he goes... he's getting flappy... He's got his SPF 50... now he's flying apter anudder blonde. Dat Bat. 

Spidey likes di sea shells... sun radder bright, doh. 

Uh oh, dey spotted him. He's hiding behind anudder dune. He's covering himself in sunscreen and gull fedders. He's making a break for it! Der's a redhead! Anudder Blonde! Der goes a Brunette! He darts! He Dashes! 

Here's a gween wun. Spidey try on. Go for crawl. Fit rite in wit di cwabs.

Di wabes... di sand...

Maybe Spidey surf. Di shell looks seaworthy.

Where is dat bat... ?

Out of Body Experiences

    I just woke up from a dream. I dreamt that I had gone to MIP from the ER. That I was thinking of suing the hospital. That I was working with the FBI. But its not true. They didn't say we need to ship this guy outta state. They did ship me out of state. I'm back in MA. I'm back at Fort McClean. I'm with Conner. 

But there's a guy down there. His name is Angry. He's having one of those out of body experiences. He's thinking he's working with FBI. He's bitter and a little bit broken. Angry's been around the block a few times. He's hallucinating lawsuits. He stops breathing sometimes. He's lashing out a bit. Angry a little too close. He needs to step back. He's scaring people.

Favorite PC Games List

Ultimate Admiral: Dreadnoughts

Black Ops Games

Elder Scrolls Online

Age of Empires Series (AOM too)

C&C

SWTOR

Call of Duty

Age of Darkness

Tennis Game

Distress Tolerance

Spidey a liddle sensitive. Maybe a liddle more distress tolerance. Everything on a spectrum. Past experience puts people on all the spectrums. 

I think I'm seeing patterns too. Hypersensitivity from childhood chaos. Goes in different directions. Hypermedicalization. 

Multilingual family = Central Auditory Processing Disorder

Academic success oriented =adhd

Toxic masculinity = bipolar 

Failure or guilty conscience = depression 

Not enough time outside = allergies

Too much medical = rebound or chronic inflammation 

Cbt = idealization and unrealistic thinking

Dbt = reality

Eastern medicine = more harmony based, less fixit

Autism = sensory chaos in general

Well, I think MIP was overshooting. I think I need to be delusional on occasion. Otherwise, I check out. 

Trends

Russia has dropped, China disappeared like FBI work, Russia slightly up, Singapore down, and US up.

Past Week

Past 3 months

Rambling

    This is when I need to do my crazy old man thing and ramble. So, if you'll indulge my delusionality, I hear things from time to time. Being concerned as I am. In a slightly fixated way. I'm feeling some resentment. About being pushed. Psychologically. Around. And the egotistical types that do the pushing. But maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. Yet I want to help people. And I feel like... I've not been able to. I need a lot of space. I need to separate from different groups of people. There are certain things I need to not think about. I can't be on everyone's side at once. I certainly can't defend Prichards to Springbrook. I can't play Springbrook vs mip. And im certainly not finding a new Center or provider to blame. I trusted what artstick was doing. Like leaves and Elle and in a way prichards, she had to go away. Vacations are good. They are. Sometimes people need to go away. Like me from memorial or me from... well Springbrook... and me from mip and me from a lot of people and places. Other people have to go away too. Like divorce and emergencies. I just need to be careful what I say and do. That's all. Like a mental vacation. I gotta take breaks. That's what I need. Slowing down. Simpler. Not sure what to do or how exactly to do it. Going different directions. Not needing too much attention. Mind my own business again. Need to be careful. Too bad artsticks not here. Hard to trust doctors. But they don't trust me either so. We have something in common. But the PA is helping.

    So I need to be delusional now and then. About ER doctors lying. About ERs playing games. About state funded hospitals being dysfunctional. And then public health and the fbi can judge my delusionality. 

Trust

What some people think is funny, I consider serious, and vice versa. People can take things all sorts of ways, so in group settings it's important to be careful what you encourage. That's why I'm concerned about hospitals. Because some providers coming out of those hospitals have done dangerous things. I didn't have the right boundaries. I misplaced trust in some major ways. Maybe people knew less then. Maybe some Psychiatrists simply prefer to ignore established research that they don't understand and don't want to understand. I need to be able to trust. be less angry. And I can't be honest with people that lie to me. I can't protect liars. Or overmedicators.

Plan

    Ok, so here's my idea. That Arson gave me. What we can do is improve the system. Granted, I never worked in audit and my memory isn't totally cohesive, but... If we do this Patch Adams style... keeping in mind the deteriorative effect of trauma on health, we can improve South Carolina Health care. One ego centric doctor at a time.

I just need to be careful...

because I'm narrowing down a list of lawsuits. Against clozapine manufacturers, McClean, the narcissist, and his script happy friend(s). And contemplating the finer points of racketeering. Free of intimidation or extortion. Maybe rambling delusionarily. When I hear of illegal activity. It's just the birds talking. Never you mind.

Allergist

    The allergist's office is funny. Oh they crack me up. The nurse. She's hilarious. She literally quotes the doctor. Quotation marks. Then she lists her degree and her certification. Every time. Like, yes, I do have a Bachelor's degree TYMV. Yes, I do have an RN, thank you very much. No, I don't want to hug you, TYVM. Two ENT recs. Maybe they can figure this deviated septum thing better then Mister Part of the Club. Maybe some medical is necessary. But MIP old guard went on a tear.

Channels

I do feel like a fish. 

There are people who want to influence me. I don't enjoy being obsessed with a mission. A calling. They don't like the one that I chose. But I have to finish what I started. And the result is not up to me. Public Health and the government decide. That's the way it should be. People decide. Not one person or specific close interests. The public. You would not be satisfied with law enforcement, my IT work, psychology. So now you get auditing. Fuller style. And who better? I know your game plans. I know your hospitals and your systems. I remember Springbrook almost as well as mip. I know your drugs and dsms. I have a job to do. I may be your demon... but not everyone's. And in the end, justice is blind. Too many witnesses. Too many eyes. I'm not actually museum piece. But if I have to be a public referendum, then a court must decide. As quietly or as loudly as you make necessary. ✨️ chronic inflammation. Medical complex trauma. Stockholm syndrome. Look it up. Now... names to change, delusions to adjust. People to ignore. I'm federal property. Until a court rules. God complexes to shut down. 

It's just really weird...

how it seems like so many people had me figured or thought they did long before I did. I've been switching a long time now. Since childhood. Usually about 8. It doesn't go away. It integrates. The memory combines through new neural connections. My brain heals. That's all. And I can help. Slow down the hyper medicalization. 

Sometimes I wonder why people tell me some things.

I really do. Or find me interesting. My life is exciting in the wrong ways sometimes. I need to focus. But it has to be more then writing. I just worry about the directions I go in. Some people find me entirely too interesting. Psychiatrists, for example. 

Distracted

    I got distracted again. Thinking about life and law. I just find everything rather distracting. You know, elle said something back in the 90s. She said I was a trip. Reminds me of that lady I tutored. She was a psychiatric nurse. She wanted to open a community center. I think it was cost accounting. I was helping her learn how to run one. So maybe y'all could cut me some slack. You know? If I'm helping your own people. She was from West Virginia. we worked together several times.

Nuerologist

    I waver between delusional and not so delusional, amused and not so amused. But this was kinda funny. She said to see my internist about the physical and a psychiatrist about the rest. In progress and done. Hmmm... yes... strange. Not related to VNS. Well, I didn't think so. I need to go to the library. I still question some of the life choices, but this gets tiresome. I really wouldn't isolate, but I think maybe it helps me focus. And I'm concerned. One of the old guard was at ccbh. He discharged me. Like they thought if I saw one of them, I'd simply forget what they did. No. Not quite that stupid. "Psychotic" or very much not... I'm not that stupid. I need to work on angry. Angry's a little upset. About the old guard. And their friends. Working together to keep me quiet. But, not my mess...

Journey

    So, we're on a journey. Just like Arson wanted. Human science experiment on a journey. To understand what medication can and can't do. And hopefully take clozapine off the market for good. Maybe discourage Harvard drug trials. Maybe shut down some God complexes. Maybe dismantle a cult. Welp, I drank the Kool-Aid. It's wearing off. You wonder why I'm weird? Why I'm so... hyper and tired and anxious and stuff? Well now you know. 

Forensic Psychiatrist Humor

How many Forensic Psychiatrists does it take to unscrew a DID? 

Only half the East Coast.

Dangerous

Sometimes pain is just pain. Sometimes people look at me like I'm dangerous. 

What I need is for people to understand the real danger. Prescription drugs. Doctors being too close. Because then it starts looking like racketeering. Insurance Fraud. Gambling with people's lives. Human Trafficking. Then I start thinking about Federal Agents moving in. SWAT teams. Filing reports. Social workers. Protection. Lives of crime dressed up as doctoring. Some people can't touch me now. Because I switched. I'm falling back on my accounting. My tax and audit. I have many questions. Many people do. I worry. But emotions aren't bad. Consciences aren't bad. Threats are bad. Extortion is bad. Intimidation and abuse is bad. This state has a problem. Revolving around clozapine and dirty doctors. Cleanup time is coming. 

Feet are doing better. Now it's head, face, back, sometimes digestive or respiratory. Sometimes my breathing becomes depressed. Sometimes I might stop breathing. But I'm getting rest and keeping professionals busy. Until this gets worked out. 

Release Us

I know that it's time for a change

Mmm but when that change comes
Will you still feel the same?

How many times have I tried to turn this love around?
I don't want to give up
But baby it's time I had two feet on the ground
Can you release me
Can you release me
Now that you're gone I can't help myself from wondering
Oh, if you'd have come down from your high
Would we've been all right?
Release me
Can you release me

Come on baby, come on baby
You knew it was time to just let go
'Cause we want to be free
But somehow it's just not that easy
Come on Darlin', hear me Darlin'
'Cause you're a waste of time for me
I'm trying to make you see
That baby you've just got to release me
Release me
Release me
I'm not going back to you anymore
Finally my weakened heart is healing though very slow
So stop coming around my door
'Cause you're not gonna find
What you're looking for

What is this power you've got on me
What is this power, Oh
What is it,What is it

Release me
Will you release me
Ah...Release me
Will you release me

Fishing

Maybe I'm a small fish. But I'm told there are others in this pond. Some people used to sit on the Greenville County Mortality committee. Every time someone under the age of 18 died, they found out. Why are they so interested? My mind is full of questions. About things that I know. They want to label it psychosis. So it will go away. Too many people know that it's not psychosis. They are asking their own questions, making their own inferences about Greenville County. I don't know what it means. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just conspiracy theories. But an innocent man isn't afraid of people asking questions. That's why I contacted the FBI. They haven't arrested me yet. 

"My Women"

So, I've been thinking. Someone used the phrase "your women". My women like me at home. But why? It's not just the physical symptoms. It's more than that. I know some people are looking for answers. Like Arson. Springbrook. With so many people worried about me and what I do or don't do... it seems I'm not the only one looking for answers. I got contacted by a human trafficker today. It was disturbing. Sent me a profile of a woman in a swimsuit supposedly at UCLA. The profile was full of pictures of different women. It was alarming. I don't know who is involved. I've been contacted by various people. Some of them seem to be trying to help. Others seem to be testing me. With the government watching, there may be certain tests to pass. Some of my friends are younger. Many are women. I do want them to be safe. But what if they make a mistake? What if I make a mistake? Things can go different directions. I can't protect everyone. But I think this is part of why "my women" like me to stay home. Because they are concerned about the activities of people around me. And I see state and federal law in question. And hospitals asking questions. I think that's why Kat said I'll be ok. Because she knew. And at some people there are no longer sides. It's the people vs the criminal behavior. It's mostly the headaches. Trouble sleeping. But hopefully soon they will operate. Cut out the cancer from Greenville County. Maybe take a look at Belmont. What they are doing with Harvard. Atlanta said no. No one listened.