Zee mindless marching two by two huzzah! Huzzah!

Sleep

 4 hours sleep is about half of the recommended amount of sleep per night. 

Catastrophic & Phoenix Center

     You know, I could go to Phoenix Center. I've reached catastrophic coverage. Maybe that would get the hospital off my back. It seems like a waste of money, though. I think I just need to learn to shelter in place better. Ride out the rough times. I just don't feel good about being around people. I don't seem to know the right things to say as well as I thought I did. 

Can't sleep

Dear coffee,

    I feel like I am walking a fine line. I'm not even sure whom they were implying I was committing insurance fraud with. Or how. With my counselor, because I wasn't telling them what we were working on? With them, because I didn't feel phoenix center was right for me??? IDK. 

    I need to get better at this communication thing. If Clozaril could fix this, I would be on it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I need to stay out of hospitals. They're wigging me out. I'm like a lemming with hospitals. I just went to the ER to address the racing heart, clammy skin, faintness and weakness after Spravato, and boy what a nightmare. I don't need any more medical emergencies, that is for sure. It is a great mystery of miscommunications. I should have shut down the bullshit. I didn't. I was feeling a little too threatened to speak. I know someday I will be in a hospital again. What then? A lawsuit? Countersuits? Threats and toxic Bullshit? I have trouble understand the mind games. 

Ashes

I still feel the need to post in case I end up in a hospital again.

1. No, thc is not the reason I am here.

2. No I am not here for drugs

3. No, I am not here to learn names

4. No, I do not date my medical professionals

5. Take the legal threats and shove them up your ass.

6. I don't give a damn what dx you put on the chart, so long as you treat the symptoms

7. Don't call my family. Don't lie to me. Dont play games.

 Spidey nest eerly... 😴 

What was it like to file the complaint against ccbh

Miserable. Would it do it again? Of course, sc has a right to know whats going on in its hospitals. From what I understand, patient care has improved.But i need to stay out of hospitals. 

Why did i file the complaint about ccbh?

Ive gotten a lot of heat for filing that complaint against ccbh. Why did I file?

1. They spit in my food and watched me eat it on camera

2. They told me to kill myself

3. They repeatedly went into my phone, looking at my personal info including hippa protected information and legal documents without permission.

4. When the insurance refused to pay, they threatened my sister.

5. They force medicated without a justifiable reason

6. They referred to me as "it"

I'm not supposed to talk about it, but then the drug addict bullshit and the harassment outside of the hospital via phone. An ex employee called me.i think it was the guy that used to repair airplanes. One of the one to ones. They didn't have the first clue what they were doing.

 I'm working on getting more art supplies. 🎨  I'm having trouble getting traction.

 

 

The Basics of Complex Trauma

 

 Managed to get some exercise. Ate. Spacey. Missed one medication last night. 

Having trouble making basic decisions.

Somedays are better then others.

Mindfulness

I keep getting stuck in a funk. Sometimes I feel like my perspective is distorted. 

I must focus

 

No more vacations, Volly!

Oh! That's my arachnid... he loses his cheese every other day...

 

My Mind keeps coming back to...

    The same thoughts. The same thoughts. I space out for hours. I still struggle to read. I can read short articles, but my attention isn't good enough to follow a chapter of a book, when I watch tv I constantly miss parts. I'm struggling to write. I'm not finding that peace. Being around people makes me nervous. I lost interest in activities. I'm less interested in food. 

 

Acrylic painting with paint markers

I think I'm expecting too much. I'm not finding my patience. I'm finding it hard to maintain equilibrium. Pushing too hard and freezing. I need better communication. I'm definitely not expressing well in person. But I need patience. I can only change so fast.

Annnnnnnd... freeze state. Maybe I read too much into this. 

 The ritalin seems to be aggravating my anger a bit. Time for the calm app and some breathing.

Angry got a liddle wound up on the fourth. Angry got distracted. Angry keeps going back to the same resentments. Angry missed the bus on patience. Angry gets a liddle stuck. Angry has trouble focusing. Angry needs time to think. To see different ways of looking at the world.