It really is a relief to have my healthcare behind a firewall. It gives me peace. It makes me happy. I have privacy and control again. With Prichards, I wasn't getting what I needed. Leaves knew. Molly knew. Even Arson knew. Now I have room to breathe. That's why I know I'll be ok. Not because of a dx code or a med or thc. Because I have control. And room to breathe. And I'm grateful for that.
Translate
Sunday, June 1, 2025
Calm the Waters
Dear Healthcare Professionals
The Blood Connection
Molly hab many secwets. Spidey hab many eyes, doh. 6 eyes, eight legs. The eyes see different tings. But Spidey's onto glue. Many spiders and dragonflies reporting back. Di Itsy Bitsies stand by. Ebben di search bats, just in case. Spidey catches a ride on Vlad sumtimes. Udder times...
Vlad's always had a weakness for di A-. One night, Vlad was missing and the window was open. There were broken branches in the Southern Trees. Eddie started sniffing around. Before Spidey gnew it, we were riding hard towards the Blood Connection. Dat Bat.
Ennyways, Molly hab many secwets. She's been keeping a pew. But Spidey berry perceptive. She nebber wanted to clean house. She's very surgical when she cleans. Berry pwecise. Just a pew nuts to gadder. A pew leabes to prune. Dat's all. Berrrrry delicate, Molly is. She just doesn't like wildfires. She keeps her Arson limited. Berry limited. Because Arson can only do so much. Arson is a blunt instrument for a detailed problem. Can't just go throwing gasoline around. That wouldn't do. Precision. Intention. Delicate. Poetic Justice. That's how Molly is.
Medical Board
Trauma Counseling
What Trauma Therapy Can Help With
People seek trauma therapy for any number of different
issues. Some of the reasons people might need trauma-informed therapy include:
Combat trauma
Accidents
Assault or attack
Domestic violence or intimate partner violence
Community violence
Natural and man-made disasters
Medical trauma
Injuries, including traumatic brain injuries
(TBI)
Physical abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse
Sexual abuse or assault
Early childhood trauma, abuse, or
neglect
Traumatic grief
Bullying in schools or workplaces
Witnessing trauma or experiencing
secondary trauma
9/15 ain't bad. I score 60%.
Doctors without Boundaries
Saturday, May 31, 2025
Trauma and Harassment
Something that MIP helped educate me about was trauma. It is unwise and unhelpful to bring up someone else's trauma in conversation. Let me repeat that. It is UNWISE and UNHELPFUL to bring up trauma.
I realize some people will look down on me for being the way I am. That is their problem and not mine. Some people go to war and get a leg blown off, others get medically manipulated and end up in multiple comas and somehow come back. The result is trauma. You can call it PTSD, cPTSD, or in some cases, DID. I do not give a darn about people who are not intelligent enough to have common sense about trauma. The proper term is survivor, not victim.
Furthermore, please do not make me file reports with regulatory or law enforcement agencies. I do not like doing it, contrary to popular belief. It extremely unwise (read: stupid) to goad or agitate someone with trauma. It is dangerous. I will not apologize for defending myself either physically or via legal means. That is my right and at times it is in the public interest.
Some effects are permanent. Do not make me file reports. Do not cause public safety incidents. Do not make the ER's efforts to bring me back a vain effort. By intentionally disrespecting an impaired person you are not only committing an immoral action and endangering people, but you are breaking federal law. People can be locked up other than me. People can be Tased other than me. I 100% have the right to defend my person if necessary.
I'm REALLY getting tired of explaining the obvious. It is causing many people many problems when others violate federal law. Comments, I can ignore. But if someone becomes aggressive towards me or endangers myself or those I am with, I will defend myself and I will not apologize for that. The less I have to file reports or repeat myself, the better for everyone. I'm rather certain that the FBI, SCDHEC, the medical board, and others have better things to do with their time then separate people who are adults and should know better.
I do not discuss my trauma for a reason.
If your IQ is above 70, you should be able to understand this and be held accountable for a lack of follow through. So, act like it.
Memory Exercise (Per Clarity Learning Center, 2019)
Repeat after me:
Ashes and Dust's memory is IMPAIRED. He can REMEMBER. He may not be able to RECALL.
Repeat that 63 times and then reconsider being demanding of me.
If you still have the desire to be aggressive towards me, consult a psychologist and then a priest.
The Mental
IRL
I like playing with my cat. I want to spend more time with my guitar in private. I have a few things to sell. Please don't ask about my past or my family. I have more then a few ghosts. I like art. I like Spanish and French, though I'm not familiar with speaking French. I'm very much into technology. I don't actually like talking about myself. I lean towards European sports. I admire humility. I'm rather sick of being pushed around. I like to read. Ive spent so much time litigating my health that it has consumed me. I like cool weather and rain. I like animals. My skills are mostly academic. God grant me the peace to show up in public again, the patience to learn again, and the wisdom to bite my tongue. Grant psychiatrists the humility they so desperately need and the wisdom to shut their mouths.
Amen. 🙏
Multiple Professionals Disorder
When you have too many people giving you advice, it's very much like garbage in, garbage out. Too much noise on the line. There's been a lot of BS coming my way. So, congratulations, you get what you pay for. But it's making me angry. I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this. Otherwise, it's radio silence for now.
People
Cocky
Friday, May 30, 2025
Bury Ashes
Funny
Clozastill
Return on Investment
Determination
Thursday, May 29, 2025
New Idea
Here's a new idea:
If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself.
If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients.
If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me.
If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f
If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me.
Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring.
Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away.
I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again.
Just stop being assholes and I will too.
Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary.
I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me.
And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we both quit we can be on speaking terms. Y'all just push my nephew too hard and I don't appreciate it. I know how he feels. I'm rather sick and tired of my families. Some people never learn. Bad in combination. Too much drugs is bad. Even by prescription. Back off of Angry and maybe Angry can back off.
Recall
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Case Study
Gray Matters
People develop more understanding as they get older. They really do. When you're young, it doesn't always occur to you that people understand more at an older age. They see more shades of gray. Especially when not drugged. That's why I simplified. There are multiple professionals who believe that Prichards, clozapine, and the Bipolar/CBT BS I was buying into were all not a good fit for me.
I have to heed medical advice. Y'all can't even agree. You just agree it's messed up. I think we all can. So I decided to rename the series. We can still be proud. Not of our mistakes. But from learning and adapting to what we did not know before. SO LEARN.
What they want to hear
Angry
Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Angry. Angry is a little upset with the medical system. Angry feels they aren't listening. Angry isn't alone. Other people are Angry too. Angry just wants to make sure people are safe. Be taken seriously for once. But the doctors are more interested in covering up their mistakes. But that's ok. Because people know what happened to Angry. At least some people understand Angry. We're all human. Angry just needs time and space. People that actually listen. Take Angry seriously. And Angry found them. They work at places like IMA.
The Drugs didn't get me through McClean. You wanna know what it was? Faith. I talked to God. People don't give me credit. But I have faith. I kept saying to Him... I know there must be a reason. You're trying to make me strong. But for what purpose? People don't want to give me credit. They want to demonize. Find someone or something to blame. And run around. It makes me Angry. Clozapine isn't worth the shit they make it out of. Human engineering run amuck. I cannot go back to the medication table. I need to take my meds sparingly. Not shovel them down. It's the pills that are the problem. Pills, lies, and coverups. They kill just like guns. Just ask Beth Israel Deaconess. They know. It feels good to write truth. Pills will kill you. I was misled. "Clozaril is YOUR medicine." Bullshit. Liar. I gotta stop missing red flags. I gotta stop spending time with doctors. God complexes. The patients revolve around them.
There is NO fix for lies and unprocessed emotions. You're looking for a criminal? Someone to jail? Look for the white coat. Then you'll know who the criminal actually is. The rest needs to remain unsaid. Theranos was real. Some other things are too. Trace the history. The people. The facts. Then you know. There are somethings that cannot be faked. Started in childhood. I cannot possibly fool this many people. SOMETHING happened. Before the age of ten. The rest is history.
DON'T SPREAD YOUR TRAUMA!
Past Reflections
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The full strength of the storm had set itself against me and I had prevailed. In all honesty, it was not even a proper mountain, merely a gl...
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The voice on the phone was familiar to him and still talking, but he had stopped listening several minutes ago. She obviously didn't...
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For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a ...
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I can honestly say I never understood the world. I was naïve. The people around me told me I had to change, to be like them. I wanted to, bu...
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I have lost my way before, it's true. I have retreated into the distance, pulling back from the world in pursuit of shelter from the sto...