Gary, hold still this will only take a minute.

 

Fly me here! Fly me there!

    One of the weirder things about the hospital was the way some people kept implying that I had some sort of secret master plan. It was very bizarre. I think people want to believe that everything happens for a reason so badly that they cannot see the randomness as it happens. They want to believe there is some bigger plan, that everything is moving with purpose. They cannot see the chaos and the randomness of life. It's too disturbing. They want to believe there are secret plans and secret going ons, when more often it's just a lot of people doing their own individual and often short-term things. 

Dystonia Strikes Again

Side effects can be frustrating. Now I had to stop a medication because of dystonia. I couldn't sleep because of muscle spasms. The hospital people said just go to the ER if you need to. I think I'll be ok. But I'll keep that in mind.

Tired

    Doc changed things a little the other day. I think the change is helping. 

    It's hard to keep faith in today's world. There's a lot of hatred out there. I try to stay focused on being kind. That's not always easy to do. Agendas run around, there's always someone recruiting for some kind of crusade. I want to write some stories to entertain and hopefully make people laugh. I think the world could use some clean, healthy laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It helps bring people together, helps them relax. Life gets confusing which people running in different directions, looking for someone to pull along for the ride. I hope to write some more funny stories. I love to make people laugh with some clean humor. 

    I worry about the agendas. Always someone trying to sign me up for something. If they're not signing me up for something they're pigeonholing me and telling me what I believe in a kind of, if you're not with us, you're against us thing. As if we're all on teams fighting against each other. That's how I got into the whole 'sides' thing. Then they were calling me paranoid. Maybe I just don't want to sign up for the latest crusade. I don't understand the running around. All this activity, so frenzied, as if a PTA drive is life or death. 

    Give me a reason to fight and I'll fight, but mostly I see a lot of chaos of different people with their pet causes going on the warpath. Ready to run me over because I don't agree that XYZ cause is the end all and be all. So much division, and people just chomping at the bit for more and more of it. 

    That's why I'm saying, count me out. I'm not going to fight people just to make a point. I'm not going to run around just to make a show. So eager to sign me up for a half dozen different things just to keep me running around, consequences be whatever, so long as there's action, never mind the end result.

    I don't know if I'm the only one who finds the chaos of modern life disorienting. I yearn for the clarity of a pure cause. One that is not tainted by special interests or pet projects. I don't know if I would call it corruption, but there's always undercurrents, unspoken goals, vague nuance, read-between-the-lines activity. 

    Growing up, everything seemed so much simpler, purer, cleaner. Now life is one big ugly mess in motion, dressed up to look like something else. I'm always looking for hidden motives, not because I'm paranoid, but because people literally don't mean what they say and I'm not quite as naïve as I used to be. It's impossible to have a conversation without getting hooked into something. Where are all the clean, respectable role models? Where are the good people? All I'm seeing are the every-man-for-himself types and the hypocrites, the jackals and the con artists. I wish I could say different, I really do. It makes me sad inside. 

    I need to keep my peace. The next crusade is just around the corner. I don't want to get swept up this time. I don't want to be played. I don't want to be a pawn in some man's game. I want to mind my own business. Everyone else is out getting theirs. I need to have something for myself. I never wanted to see it that way. I wanted to believe. That ain't worked out so well. I need to keep my peace. This world can run people over in a heartbeat. Best not attract attention. I hate to say it. I really do. But I don't know how to please people these days. I feel tired inside. I feel weary in my soul. 

    It took me a while to see. I was delusional. But I see now. And it makes me sad inside. This world can run you over. You might never see it coming. I'm broke. I'm tired. And I'm getting old. I'm pretty sure most everyone has already decided whose fault that is. And I can't change their minds. 

    It's always, what the hell is wrong? Why can't you? And I'm just tired of arguing. Can't teach the blind to see what they don't want to see. They're too busy signing me up for the next crusade. They've got me all figured, I'm just tired of playing along. 

    There have been a few people that have truly seen me. Not just pretending to, not seeing what they want to see, but seeing the real me. I think in recent months I could count those on one hand: 2 friends, 1 counselor, 1 nurse, and one lady I ran into at an appointment. Five people. In a metro area of over a million. 

    Honestly, I don't even get the feeling that the doc understands. He gets close to understanding, close enough to do the job. He tries. He gets close. I know he wants to understand. But I feel like we're different. He understands all those medical people that I don't get. He's able to fit into the frenzy. I'm the part that keeps bumping up against all the other parts until the whole process jams. I'm the voice that never quite knows what to say in the moment, and then the moment passes by. I'm the one that comes to in the middle of a conversation realizing that I haven't the slightest clue what people are talking about or worse, I simply do not care. 

    I came into this trying to resolve issues and I'm coming out with a fist of pills and no answers, just detours and revisions. They gave me the option to whittle down my list of labels. But honestly, I could only eliminate two: drug addict and bipolar. I'd like to eliminate more but that seems factually inaccurate to attempt. 

    I even tried to donate blood. It was going to be two birds with one stone: 1. I would help people 2. I would make a little money. Nope. They wouldn't take me. Spent all that time. A couple hours. Told them from the very get go I had a VNS implant. They wasted all my time only to turn me around and say, we don't take people with VNS implants. Well, why the hell did you waste all my time? I told you from the get-go. Felt like such an idiot walking out of there. I told them the minute I walked in. Makes no sense. 

    I'm tired of talking to people with closed ears. Now, it's like message in a bottle. Not going to waste my voice. VNS already gives me a sore throat; I'm not going to waste my voice. It's just pointless. 

    I do enjoy some things. I enjoy my peace. It's nice at home, no one to please or entertain or deter. Just me and the cat. This world is so weird. It can't all be me. 

    I really like the Walmart+, but not what you think. It's not the saving a trip to the store. The store is just 5 minutes away. That doesn't bother me. No, I love being able to pick exactly what I need and the software saves what I pick so instead of going around all the distractions and trying to make sure I get everything I need and just what I need and almost always getting something I don't need or forgetting something, I always get exactly what I need. Yeah, they goofed up a couple times. Couple times they left things out. Then sometimes I have to substitute so I get a different brand. A couple times they gave me stuff I didn't order for free. But I've gotten it down to a system and I always get what I need. That is priceless. Not having to worry about traffic is an added bonus. I can't afford an accident. 

    I need an editor to help me with some quality control and what not but unfortunately, I've been too far past the point of caring. It's true what they say though: it can always get worse. I just hope it gets better. Tired of the medical and people trying to fix me. I'm honestly not sure exactly how the VNS helps me but I don't need any more setbacks. I'm leaving the thing alone. 

Recovery

    I'm still working on reducing expenses and finding a job. I'm going to have to write off the business startup expenses as a loss. Managing my health takes too much of my time to run a real business. I'm going to try some food delivery if I can manage my driving anxiety. Ever since the doctor quit and I had that accident, I don't like driving so much. If it's a familiar area and traffic isn't bad I'm ok. Plus I need new glasses before I drive a lot. Unless I use the contacts, but I can't use those much. Hopefully soon, I'll have a new job. 

    Between the anxiety and the lack of income, it's not been great. Of course, the THC products were great for anxiety, but the hospital doesn't see it that way. So they prescribed something. As soon as I can fill it... should be easier. I guess they feel better when they have total control. It's been hard to get the meds filled on time though. The insurance puts up road blocks or I run out of refills or the pharmacy is out. I just hope I get a job soon. I need some income and I don't feel great about driving a lot. I can't afford an accident and I'm not as sharp as I used to be. 

    I'm told some things are permanent. I've felt rather helpless in recent years. It's frightening when you can't keep up. Used to be I was a little behind the pack. Now it's not even close. I'm in my forties and in the same career/financial position as someone in their 20s. It's really sad. You can only pretend so much until the truth becomes obvious. Down right depressing. I've pushed the limits of the medication so hard that the doctors threaten to quit. It's just ridiculous. 

    So now I'm focusing on minimizing my expenses. I'm trying to cut them to the absolute bone. I still have some progress to make on that. It's the only way to make sure that I don't become homeless. I just didn't realize it was this bad. I thought I could still catch up. They're telling me that's not realistic. 

Acceptance

We've been working on acceptance. Accepting that others won't always understand. Accepting the mental illness thing. Accepting the limits of the meds, accepting that my life won't be that normal 9-5 life. Accepting that I don't have as much real support as I would like.  Accepting financial uncertainty. The closer I get to acceptance, the more I can grasp what I can have. But if I veer into that lack of acceptance, if I push too hard, then I'll become unstable. Thats the danger zone. But I'm still trying to understand what I can maintain. Life seems so touch and go sometimes. But there are no magical answers. My experience in march reinforced that point.

Tight leash

It seems the doctors are keeping me on a tight leash. Granted, I'm on several meds, but I'm having trouble getting them on time.

 Today, I'm working on The Watcher and Tales of the Attick more. 

Nerbus

Spidey gets a liddle nerbus... all di humans tryin to step on me...

 

Spidey gedding oudda hear!

Today is piano music day. I've been playing around with my guitar a little. Trying to find that peace until the new job comes through.

Anxiety

    You try not to think about it. You tell yourself that everyone goes through these things. But then you worry. What if something happens, you say to yourself? Can I predict the future? What if I don't get that job or that promotion? What if I say the wrong thing? Do I have the money to make it go away? And what about the next time? And the time after that? What will it be then? Will I have the ace up my sleeve? What will I do when I can't make it go away? Where will I run? Will tomorrow be the day my luck runs out? Will I get hit by a bus, get robbed? Will the kidnapper that abducted and killed someone from just down the street pick me next time? I drive by that place almost every time I go out. Granted, I didn't know those people, but what if I had been there when he came in with a gun? what would I have done? They're both dead now. 

 

Nonono, you can deduct the stolen acorns as a casualty loss, not a business loss.

    I am closing the tax and bookkeeping business permanently for health reasons. I look forward to working again soon.

    I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding of autism in the community. There is a gap of understanding that creates unrealistic expectations. It leaves me chasing shadows. So long as that gap exists, I will always fall short. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: to believe in the impossible so that you can fail. 

    Why is it impossible? Autistic social behavior is different. It leads to miscommunication and in a field like tax, communication is important. Hypothetically, if I could simply do the taxes and have someone else do all the communicating, including the nonverbal communication, then it could work. If I could be a puppet master, and have a puppet interact with bosses and clients, then yes, I could do taxes.

    Unfortunately that's not how the world works. I'm tired of trying to explain the obvious to people with closed ears. It's like screaming at a wall. There's no medication for this. There's no machine. There's simply reality, and the reality is that the business world is not autistic friendly. I really just don't understand this world sometimes. There's a reason I don't get hired at jobs. There's a reason I'm disabled. You can close your ears and scream lalala all day long but it does not in fact convert me into a non-autistic. 

    So long as the world engages in magical thinking about what I am and am not, I will always fail. I will always fall short. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I cannot keep chasing shadows. I'm trying to find a job that will hire an autistic, because I cannot run a tax and bookkeeping business as an autistic. I would need people to interface between me and the clients and that's not realistic. It's like having a translator follow me around. I can't even manage to get people that know full well what autism is to understand and I'm tired of explaining. It's wishful thinking but they're addicted to it and together we drive the doctors crazy trying to achieve the impossible. Somebody has to have the sense to say "stop". Otherwise, it's eternally a square peg through a round hole. That's not paranoia that's just common sense.

Losing Ground

    Spidey tought dat di bat would lose intewest qwuickly. Apter all, it was a small house, a bunch ob mispits, and not anudder bat nor castle nor cabe. 

    “I thought it vould look better from the rafters.” A voice echoed from above.

    Dat bat. Can’t appweciate a good cobweb. He was looking more awake and he would get this funny look in his eye when he got hungry.

    “You know… a few careful torches could really vamp up the place. I was known for my style back in zee Western Wood.” He paused as if for questions. When none came, he continued anyways. “It was quite a majestic place. Uncle Boromir used to be quite fond of telling us stories, so much so that we began to call him Uncle Bor. He never quite figured out vhy. So one day, when he was putting us to sleep with his tales of the crypt - he used to put himself to sleep all the time, let me tell you- we snuck out inbetween bouts of consciousness, and we flew into the Cerbal bats as they were on their way out of town to take vacation when one of them challenged me. He said, ‘Vlad, you old good for nothing! I bet you’d never have the guts to leave the country and explore more of the world.’ Vell, It didn’t occur to me that he was merely trying to get me away from his cousin Trina until I was on a boat with a bunch of cars and video machines and leaving harbor with my coffin and trunk.”

    There was a flapping of wings and suddenly Vlad was by the window, peering out down upon the backyard. He rarely stood still, shifting his weight and dancing around until something caught his eye. They were sharp eyes, and he peered imperiously at the yard and the woods beyond.

    Spidey turned to his webbing, absently spinning a thread while he waited for the next shoe to fall. He was werking on his greatest creation yet: a cobweb of the little homeless girl named Mona from the alley down the street who suffered from a most tasty looking collection of fleas. He had decided to call his work the Mona Fleasa. He was already lining up a dealer in his imagination. 

    “I don’t suppose it has a basement?” The bat was craning his head around the window sill.

    “Of course there’s a basement, the family that lived here put all their extra stuff in it before leaving Spidey di place. It gets nice and moist because the water table isn’t far below the bedrock… hey, wait a minute… don’t you hab some sort ob cabe to fly back to?!?!”

    It was too late. He had already flown out the window, on his way to measure the basement for a coffin.

Doing More with Less

    They say life has seasons. I think that is very true for someone like me. I think I'm moving into a new season, putting the past behind. This season I am focusing on fixing my financial situation by reducing consumption.

    I'm not the one who is the smiling gladhander. I don't have the personality or the talent for it. I will never be Mr. Popular. I do believe we have destinies of sorts. Mine lies in written expression. 

    I'm continuing to look for a day job while exploring my creative ideas. Hopefully, they will come to me in due time. I have hit the limits of the medication. It's time to be my natural self. 

I have a bad feeling about this place...

 

Chosen

Actions committed in the blindest of ignorance

Facts inconvenient, truth intermittent.

Protestations overwritten, narratives formed without contrition

As history becomes a lie.

Heroes are minted and pasts are erased,

As no one cries for the wrongs now replaced,

And as they rise up to claim their new jewels,

the Chosen eagerly climb onto the shoulders of fools...

Drama contrived and plots newly written,

With murderous emotions, the witnesses smitten

screaming for the heads of false demons from the past

And eager for a villain to sacrifice at last

Deaf to the voices of reason and caution

Charging forth to the point of exhaustion

Their mania for the blood of the token guilty

Will erase all the past and complete the new history

Confusion resolved with self-justifications

Hardened ears, deaf to exonerations

Determination and volume the measure of justice

Reinforcing the story lest the truth should resist.

Echoes of lies resound through the air

Till nothing remains of the truth that was there.

Still Looking...

    It seems part time work is not that easy to find. I'm going to try to broaden my search a bit. I'm moving from Accounting to retail more. 

Differences since Clozaril DC

I do feel different since discontinuing Clozaril. I feel more emotional. I feel less armored.

Some of my doctors will practically commit hara kiri if I suggest I don't have bipolar. Which is exactly what Prichards did. At least he had the sense to understand that trust had been broken. Some people don't like autism or believe in DID. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about that. What I can do is educate my doctors. For example, one ER psychiatrist said that Bipolar is "one of THE MOST OVERDIAGNOSED things in the book." Ive been in these hospitals and centers and I'm convinced the man is absolutely correct. There's plenty of bipolar labelees. It's just that the whole point of these labels is to help people. If the patterns fit, the meds help, the education helps, then great. If it doesn't, then its time to move on. All of the meds I'm on help other disorders. Mood Stabilizers NEVER worked. Not from day one. It's time to move on. 

Life is short.

I feel that what I grew up doing is not sustainable. I've been pushing the medication and the science too hard and now it's come full circle. I need to be deliberate, not repeat failed strategies. The medication helps, but I need to go slow, reduce expenses, not take on more and more. It's clear to me that pushing the limits of medicine has reached its limits. Reducing consumption and holding steady is going to have to be my goal. I don't want to be bitter or demanding. I want to appreciate the small things. 

I got all my meds approved and filled. I'm focusing a little better. The cat's doing well.