Hospital Staff & Relationships

 When you have health problems, relationships can become a challenge. 

    Perhaps the staff at Memorial has misunderstood. Desperation is a dangerous ingredient to the mind. You've known me, for better or for worse, for decades. You brought me out of a coma. You kept me alive. It's the workers on the ground that I appreciate the most. The low-level ones. I did not come there to learn names. I know you well enough. That's the whole damn point. 

    Someone keeps you alive, you tend to remember. It's been a long time since that first coma. 17 years old. 26 years ago. You knew me even before then. Some of you have been there the whole time and are getting ready to retire. So I wrote you the poem. Safe Harbor

Anyways, I mis-learned a bit. That's why I don't want the pills anymore. Just the bare minimum.

Family doesn't like to remember these things. Big surprise.

    But you built me up. Not just one of you.

I just have an issue with misprescribing dinosauric diagnosis addicted docs who lack proper independence.

Notes to Selves

2 Do not return to MIP

3 Do not file reports before checking with Team

2 Do not talk to family

5 Do not think about law

5 Do not speak to or contemplate MIP

7 do not contemplate prescription medications

6 Stay home

5 Do not contemplate the general community

4 Dot not misplace anger

4 be careful with the sense of humor

1 Keep noise down

5 Do not get creative with dealing with the past

4 Do not try to help people atm

5 do not worry if internet connection comes in and out

5 if password reset links randomly show up, contemplate the positives and negatives of filing reports or saying weird things.

4 Mind my own business

That said, a thank you to my team for listening. I'll be quiet now. This is waaaaay too much like "The Departed"... from numb to very aware. No longer care. Not my business. I am not a federal agent. I am not undercover. I am minding my own business. Now I'm retired from medicine AND law enforcement. What else can I retire from?

I'd like to remind everyone to be aware that my hearing is excellent. Maybe Going deaf is a good idea...

This was so much more interesting at a theoretical level.

I'm going to think about my life choices, take some vacation.

A note to charities: Please don't call. I don't actually have any money. I appreciate what you do, really, but I am literally broke and I'd rather spend the money tipping the delivery guy.

7:2

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

But how can we say forever?

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end, if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

My Dream

So all this talkin bout dreams... I've lived here a long time. I had hoped to do something for the city... maybe use my words... it's a beautiful city... so many different people... if I can remember enough... maybe write a little... help people know this city... it's more a matter of recall. The memories are there, the psychologist at Clarity said. She said i can't access them, they are blocked.  I can't see the big picture. If I can piece it together, maybe the city can see what I see... so, I guess that's the thing I feel i can't give up. My personal resentments are a smaller thing. My concerns about prescriptions... somewhere in-between. So maybe I can put a few rocks down, grab that chisel... hopefully, give people a good idea. Just don't ask me for names. People gotta live here.

Rephrase

I wanted to rephrase my mixed messages. I need to understand my mind better. I have decades of history. I need to understand that. My mind is not very clear. I do not wish to cause harm. Anyone that wishes to reach out... this site allows comments. There's an email. I need a break from some of my family. I can't predict the future. Thank you. 

Elle + Leaves

My friends,

You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far. Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone. It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am.

Ashes and dust

Break in

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated. 

I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good. 

Then. The strange behavior...

The child eats, sits, sleeps.

The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me. 

The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please. 

The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you?

The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me. 

The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side.

The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool.

The Unitary is on vacation on the outside (whistling)

They have predictable patterns. I do too. They want me to learn to "advocate". Help myself. Because these functions happen in different pockets of memory in the brain. I've had so much mental manipulation and medication that my memory is divided. When I am in the world, every moment is happening to 8 different pockets. So... Let's say I process about 1/8 or 12.5% as fast as other people. From a ten day of hospital time being charted at 4.5 PPH I can remember the same 12.5% of what happened at any given time. Well, if only two of me were there then technically 6 of me can remember 16.67% of what happened separately and have to confer with both the two playing hooky until the 8 of me agree on what happened.

So, the 8 of me have to chat for a while, figure out what we can do better, consult with the PA and the Counselor, who probably got the same 600 pages of reading material. Then hopefully the Cooperation for the Improvement of Me can develop another battle plan. In case #2 talks our way in again. She's persuasive it seems. Anyways, we need some time to think. Why did I let her talk them into this? Number 7, I'm disappointed in you. I trusted you with her. You let her talk her way into MIP again? REALLY? Dude. Not cool. Man, we need to see other people. C'mon. Dude, you could have... I dunno... The labs did come back abnormal at the ER... But the aceto level was low, CO2 low... Maybe those baby aspirin the internist stopped. White blood cells were off. Something was going on. So now we got tylenol instead. careful with anti-inflammatory drugs. So, I guess we need more neural connections between the pockets of memory. 

So I gotta talk to myself more, until I can remember what I did more clearly. Cuz it's kinda embarrassing. I'm a little worried I may have done something we would regret. You know, like contact someone we cared about. Or say something strange. Or, you know, Say we were thinking of harming someone out of fear. Or, you know, something we did one of the other dozen or so times we were there. It's not clear why we don't talk more. But I hope it gets clearer soon. Because I'm frustrated. I'd like to be more active. I'm trying to be patient. Some activities are a little blocked. 

I go by 8 names. They have natural forms and names and numbers. Like computer Avatars. There was a 9th. The total number is not certain. So the response can vary based on who I am. I worry about the future. I worry because I'm not sure many there are. But there seems to be at least 8 now. So I need to focus on transferring memory and internal communication and getting myself to flow together. 

The Reason Why

So I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated.

I generated 600 pages from one ten day hospitalization. Let me unpack...

600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day

60/ 24 = 4.5 PPH (pages pages per hour)

No wonder they were annoyed. 

But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600 page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch. 

Safety/Threats

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation. 

When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger.

Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar. 

I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name.

But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I said i was thinking of hurting her. I had done that before. Maybe they contacted her. Maybe she explained. Maybe not. They don't tell me everything. Observing someone over time, you can learn their patterns, even without Dissociation. They are highly alert, just not present or aware.

Some of my talkers have been white, some black, some Hispanic, some Asian. Women or soft-spoken men mostly. I like diversity. My current talkers (including their teams) are rather diverse. 

Dissociation happens every day, all around the world. People that have PTSD, DID, Borderline... no diagnosis at all... call it living in the past, call it sleepwalking, dementia, whatever you call it... medication is not great for it. Grounding. The right sensory input. Sometimes you need someone different to do it.

Someone with DID is sleepwalking in a major way. Living in the past. Repeating patterns. I think that Gabapentin makes this worse. Benzos can too. Minipress. Red pill. Minipress can bring you down, but if you're on a large dose, and you come off, then you're walking around looking for what you were doing before. Like with Leaves of September. I was looking for a while. I came off Minipress and I was looking for a while. I bought that gun because I was afraid. I didn't want to be lost forever. I wanted to keep me here. Adrenaline. Dissociation. Patterns. I don't know if the Matrix was referring to Minipress and Propranolol, but one is red and the other is blue. It can be alarming if you don't know what you're looking at. Being calm is the best strategy. Making threats raises adrenaline. Yelling raises adrenaline. There was talk during covid of safe zones. Same concept. People become alarmed, they act on the past. Sometimes there is no danger. People become afraid of Protectors, but that's not really how it works. See, a protector can protect anyone, or even groups of people. It's a safety function. People with conflicting patterns can be dangerous together. Other times people with similar patterns are dangerous together. That's why we talk about systems. Whether internal or external, parts have to flow together. Sometimes, someone with DID can be around others without it, and those others can get the idea that they have DID. Transference. See, trauma counselors understand this stuff. Austen Riggs understands this stuff. Observing patterns, suggestion, managing projection. Using sensory and intellectual tools. DID can be complex, and the antidote is simplicity. Grounding. Calm. Taking breaks. changing mindsets. Some people call it switching. Taking turns. It can happen internally or externally. 

Roscasch

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger". 

See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble.

I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient says. They project their DSM. And then they release chemically numbed patients on society to wreak havoc. Doing that with adults is one thing. Doing that with anyone under the age of 20 is very stupid. Creating mindless zombies with submerged issues is dangerous. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. I'd like to see it permanently removed. It will destroy your body if it does not destroy your mind. Permanent disability. Neverending burden on society. That's if the Agranulocytosis doesn't kill you first, then you worry about all the other bodily systems, the submerged issues, etc. These people may not kill themselves. They may still overdose on three medications picked up from CVS within hours of being released, however. So, if you don't kill the patient while they are still in the hospital, they may be dead within days, they may survive years, but even if they do, they will be permanently disabled and a burden on society. That medication makes zero sense. ZERO. At least Seroquel simply numbs you out. Not quite as dangerous. And the ER and ICU staff tends to resent caring for OD'd patients from local mental hospitals. I don't blame them. 

Springbrook

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems. 

The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things. 

The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pass on lies. It wasn't helpful. Using a resident because she is attractive is not helpful. It sends the wrong messages. And it was sad to see her get used like that.  Another two were very insightful, but one allowed a gabapentin prescription that decreased awareness in the subject and disinhibited behavior. It was not continued. Gabapentin is dangerous. The other got pulled into manipulations from different persons. She must be tired. The male resident was too smart to be pulled into the bullshit. He let the blonde be used. It was sad. Doctors should not be used based on appearance. 

The head social worker made an incredibly inappropriate speech. It was disgusting. Going on and on about her qualifications and being an LPC and this is how you do this and that... Way beyond her qualification level for teaching a large group of patients. Dangerous to try to teach so much personal information to a group of people. Not relevant to the situation at hand. LPCs are not meant to try to have a group counseling session in a hospital setting. She may have had Knowitall Personality Disorder. But she doesn't normally do groups. She shouldn't try. She tried teaching a lot of nonsense, a handful of realistic skills mixed in. But then patients will remember which parts? Dangerous to go freestyle in a group setting. 

What I do appreciate is that the nutritional options actually seemed better then MIP. Less education but better options. Also, the staff was observant when I was placed on gabapentin, which can actually be worse than benzodiazepines because it disinhibits and can increase dissociation. When someone with a trauma disorder is placed on gabapentin, it can change behavior dramatically. It decreases awareness dramatically. It is not safe for Dissociative disorders. Not safe at all. If Dissociative disorders have a cause other than real life trauma, I think medications like minipress and gabapentin would be it. Dangerous stuff. I was on a very high dose of both at different times. Now I have DID. Gabapentin is one of the worst. All sorts of psychological issues and phantom physical symptoms. It's guide lined for nerve pain and seizures but was used improperly for bipolar and is sometimes used for anxiety (GAD). Very dangerous. GABA supplements are available over the counter. They affect the same system. I try to take them only at night for sleep. Not during the day when my mind is active and my body too. They help with stress and pain but disinhibit behavior, cause drowsiness, decrease awareness. Best for when you're sleeping. Melatonin helps with that too. Inositol (B8). Natural, non-chemically modified.

Arson

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but it's not coming to him. He's running short on patients. He's looking a little tired, so maybe he needs to give it a rest. Perhaps he needs more Reflection. Just not from me. He doesn't like the picture.

Watching the Bed

 So apparently, I was wrong. I apologize. The 600 pages of documentation were not my entire record from that hospital. The 600 pages were the records of one ten day stay.

Now it's becoming clearer. This is why MIP went on and on about "watching the bed" and how much it cost to "watch the bed". That bed must be fascinating.

I guess understanding ethics is more complicated. Because what Malacheck, Prichards, Arson, Tott, Dolyart, Groans, and Rippit did or did not do back in the 90s with DSM Mania and Medicalized Depression, made them seem rather Bipolar to me. But maybe that's projection. Maybe I'm having Seasonal Disaffection. I used to like MIP, but that's back when we were both afraid of my father and I had hospital insurance, which not only paid better but it was their own insurance, so it was easier for them. When you have the government insurance, your popularity drops like a rock. It pays worse in general, doesn't cover the fancy patented drugs as well, and it has limits on how long you can stay and in certain situations if standards are not met, the hospital doesn't get paid at all. Damn that accountability. So frustrating when people get held accountable. Now we have to keep such detailed records, and people actually look at them... Of course, it motivates the hospital to provide worse food, more processed food, and food that comes in wrappers. God forbid you have government insurance and dietary needs. Ooooh does that ever piss them off. Never mind proper nutrition, drug them up, threaten them, teach them nonsense, don't coordinate, and throw them out. Fantastic. What are you teaching these people? How are you helping? Give me social workers and nutritionists, they teach me stuff I can use. Real world stuff. The nutrition education was excellent, the social workers (all three) did well, but i'm disappointed in the doctors and techs. Not the one that worked with me. The old guard doctors and loose mouthed techs. The dumbest shit I heard came from patients and techs. The patients were an ethics cesspool at times. Staff needs to correct them.

Legal Threats

 I'm thinking that maybe we're learning together. Me, the 600-page hospital, and the one next door. They seem a little nervous when I come visit. I was there only 6 minutes before appointment time and I had the code, but instead they had a security guard at the parking lot and no keypad lock. 

I'm just glad the PA is not one of them. The old guard. I'm really disappointed in the old guard. Because I idolized my father. And he worked next door. And it seemed they didn't have proper independence. Diagnosis salad. First the adhd because I didn't learn fast enough. Then the depression because I was a disappointment. Then the bipolar because I pushed too hard and because psychosis was a convenient way to bury abuse red flags. Aspergers because of sensory integration issues and communication issues that came from fear and lack of trust plus isolation. 

We're also learning about threats. A good way to avoid having patients threaten lawsuits and mailing out 600 pages of documentation is to not threaten them with restraining orders in the ER merely for showing up. I don't mind the security guards, the nurses... seems like the technicians have particularly loose mouths though. Do they ever stop talking? I guess they get bored. Maybe I'm oversensitive. Maybe they get tired of running around. But I really don't need to hear about it. I guess I feel that a hospital is not meant for excessive complaining. I feel like I prefer talking about the necessary and otherwise sticking to the weather and stuff people like chatting about. 

So, we've learned about excessive diagnoses, excessive medication, the importance of nutrition... Now we're learning about independence, not making threats, and respect. And I'm learning that too much electrolyte water can push up your BP too high. Never mind salt. Electrolyte water or gatorade. I retain water that way. Oh, the internist will be so proud. Got off Clozaril, my pulse went down, my body retained less water because it wasn't having the metabolism pumped up and the kidneys filtering the blood so much. So, I started drinking the electrolyte water to retain moisture and nutrients in the system. Now the propranolol keeps the heart rate slightly lower than that and the moisture stays in. So, I'm going to try less electrolyte solution in the water. I don't even use salt that much to start. But the almonds I like, I sometimes get salted ones. So I'll need to be careful about combining electrolyte water and salty foods. My BP shoots up. I don't know how magnesium complex or Zinc would affect that. But the inositol that Artstick recommended is great... hydrozine works decently. I really liked Artstick. Small was sweet but fairly useless. Contendon seemed intelligent. Gullet could barely look at me, but I don't trust the attendings anymore. 

rTMS

So I thought I'd maybe try to think about something a little less edgy. Because Malachecks death has been on my mind. You know, I uh, did appreciate Austen Riggs. They were very strict on medications. The most dangerous incident involved a woman pulling a knife on another woman over a man. She was permanently removed. 

But then I got thinking about rTMS. Ah the new ECT. No more lightning bolt. Magnetic waves. They had to stop. The VNS was picking up the magnetic pulses. That may have been what caused the malfunction when the wire in my chest heated up. After that I stopped fiddling with the magnet so much. Leave well enough alone.

There are some very good people that work in Healthcare. Who care very much. Who respect boundaries. I appreciate them very much. I hope they know that. I hope they remember.

Commercial Break...

 We'll be right back after these few lawsuits...

Broke

Well I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.

Got fucked over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember. 

Leaves of September.

I have to find something inside myself other then a mindfucked ... darkness.

I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear to God. You're gonna pay for what you did. You whole fucking lot. The cleaning crew is coming fellas. Make way.

Malacheck

So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...

But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went solo...

But Malacheck was in charge of my care at the 600 page hospital... he was making speeches promoting drugs... he found this one called gapapentin... he put me on it for Bipolar Disorder... shortly thereafter the company making gabapentin got sued. Yeah you see they were promoting gabapentin for Bipolar with flimsy numbers... they got in trouble... govt said they had to stop...

This is what troubles me about these doctors... back in the 90s the thinking was a bit more primitive... Bipolar was all the rage... that suck it up man it up attitude... drug it away... I was a minor. I was a child. 

But Malacheck, well he must have thought that was just fine, because he stopped practicing to go around making more speeches promoting these drugs.. oh he made some good money on other fucking people's suffering... yes... that's what worries me about these pills...

Strange thing is... I heard about malacheck just this year... seems he was off on vacation... some substance was involved... death under mysterious circumstances... they are not sure exactly what happened...

One of these days I might just have to ask Prichards, possibly under oath, so maybe evidence should not destroyed, because this is getting damned suspicious... What happened to Malacheck? What did he know about me? Tell me Prichards, are you sure about what you did? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING DRUGS?

Prichards, I think you should take some time off. Visit your family. And I'll see you in court. And you can explain the bipolar bullshit and the drugs, the offlabels, the medical board, just you and me Prichards... I want Leaves to be there... to see you explain how reckless you were with those drugs... how much danger you placed people into... TAKE YOUR DAMN VACATION DAYS. Spend time with your family. You're going to be in a courtroom. Malacheck can't make it. Unfortunately, he's dead. But maybe your 600 page hospital friends will be there... maybe the ones that SCDHEC HAD TO TALK TO... take your damn vacation days people... think about what you're doing... and I'll see you in court. Anyone who has the stupid idea in their head of undue influence or obstruction of justice... be very careful what you do... some things are criminal. There are jails for that. I hear so much as a whisper of improper conduct, it will be recorded, and people will be held accountable. To the full extent of the law. You know who you are. You are forcing me to do this. It didn't have to be this ugly. I will let the records and the experts speak. You have been warned. No contact. No obstruction. You've already dug yourselves a hole. Even if I die, the records remain. And if anything should happen to me, I'm instructing my professionals to find the people responsible and hold them accountable. To the full extent of the law.

Final Warnings

There are certain people who should not contact me, whether directly, by third party, or by smoke signal. They shouldn't contact my professionals (outside of my caseworker). my neighbors. my friends.

I want to be excruciatingly clear. Some people are so deliberately deaf. Y'all need to get with the program while you still can. If I have to keep going around the community, warning you via third person, it really looks bad. Especially when by now at least a half dozen professionals in this community know everything. Not just from what I said. There's documents. There's been professional to professional communication. The hospitals know. The centers know. The MDs, the social workers, etc.

So for the awareness impaired, let me be clear.

My brother is not to contact me, directly or indirectly. I will not be attending family events. You've been so stubborn and willful that I can't be around you. I'll visit with two of you at a time to keep things civil. Two of you, me plus someone of my choosing. I'm tired.

Lawyers are already contacting me. Don't make me respond.

Leave the kids out of it. Tell them nothing but the truth: I love them. I keep them in my heart and mind. Don't lie to them about me. Leave them out of it. They're good kids. Let them believe the truth: that I care about them. Don't get creative. It's detrimental to their well-being.

I can be ugly if i have to. You don't want to force me to do that. No unnecessary contact. You have my caseworker's number.

Don't make this ugly. Learn to keep your damn traps shut, mind your own business. I'd like to preserve what's left of the family name. It means something to people. But given that at least a half dozen professionals know in detail and long experience the excesses of this family, y'all might want to cool it. A lot of lives were saved at the hospital. A lot of good was done. Let's preserve that. Let's be kind to each other from a distance. We are not bad people. We're just not good together. We have some good memories. Let's preserve those. Don't delude yourselves. People know. You're not that smart. Neither am I.

I'm trying to help you here. You've dug your own hole. Cut yourselves down a few notches. Start to understand the reality here. Through your own words and actions, so many people are aware that you do not have proper boundaries. That you overstep yourselves. That you are causing harm. You need to stop. Right the fuck now. You do not contact me. I can text and write. I can read your messages. Leave it at that. If you have my last name, do not come anywhere near me. You have been warned. Do not make me file any reports. Do not make me use fancy terms like undue influence, inappropriate conduct, harassment, or coercion... things like that. It makes the family look bad. I want to remember the good things about this family. I want to preserve that. Allow me to do that by fucking off.

It's over. I'm signing out. I have retired from my family. Y'all are on a permanent vacation. PERMANENT. You do understand english, right? Hablo Español? Don't worry, I'll repost in Italian. I just need you to stop trying. You're wearing me out. You're wearing this state out. They resent it. Several have told me exactly that. They will smile and talk to you and yet be thinking exactly that. Don't delude yourselves like I did. We can still love the good things about each other while not being around each other or causing harm.

Avvertenze Finali

  Ci sono alcune persone che non dovrebbero contattarmi, né direttamente, né tramite terzi, né tramite segnali di fumo. Non dovrebbero contattare i miei professionisti (a parte il mio assistente sociale), i miei vicini, i miei amici.

Voglio chiarire con estrema chiarezza. Alcune persone sono deliberatamente sorde. Dovete tutti adeguarvi al programma finché potete. Se devo continuare a girare per la comunità, avvisandovi tramite terzi, la cosa fa davvero una brutta figura. Soprattutto perché ormai almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti in questa comunità sa tutto. Non solo da quello che ho detto. Ci sono documenti. C'è stata comunicazione tra professionisti. Gli ospedali lo sanno. I centri lo sanno. I medici, gli assistenti sociali, ecc.

Quindi, per chi ha problemi di coscienza, vorrei essere chiaro.

Mio fratello non deve contattarmi, né direttamente né indirettamente. Non parteciperò a eventi familiari. Siete stati così testardi e ostinati che non posso starvi vicino. Farò visita a due di voi alla volta per mantenere un tono civile. Due di voi, io e qualcuno di mia scelta. Sono stanco.

Gli avvocati mi stanno già contattando. Non costringetemi a rispondere.

Lasciate stare i bambini fuori da questa storia. Dite loro solo la verità: li amo. Li tengo nel cuore e nella mente. Non mentite loro su di me. Lasciateli fuori. Sono bravi ragazzi. Lasciateli credere alla verità: che tengo a loro. Non siate creativi. È dannoso per il loro benessere.

Posso essere brutto se necessario. Non volete costringermi a farlo. Nessun contatto non necessario. Avete il numero del mio assistente sociale.

Non rendete la situazione brutta. Imparate a tenere le vostre dannate trappole chiuse, fatevi gli affari vostri. Vorrei preservare ciò che resta del cognome. Significa qualcosa per la gente. Ma dato che almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti conoscono nei dettagli e hanno una lunga esperienza degli eccessi di questa famiglia, forse dovreste darvi una calmata. Molte vite sono state salvate in ospedale. È stato fatto molto di buono. Preserviamolo. Siamo gentili gli uni con gli altri, a distanza. Non siamo cattive persone. Semplicemente non stiamo bene insieme. Abbiamo dei bei ricordi. Preserviamoli. Non illudetevi. La gente lo sa. Non siete così intelligenti. Nemmeno io.

Sto cercando di aiutarvi. Vi siete scavati la fossa da soli. Abbassatevi di qualche gradino. Iniziate a capire la realtà. Attraverso le vostre parole e azioni, moltissime persone si sono rese conto che non avete limiti adeguati. Che state oltrepassando i limiti. Che state facendo del male. Dovete smetterla. Subito, cazzo. Non contattatemi. Posso mandarvi messaggi e scrivervi. Posso leggere i vostri messaggi. Lasciate perdere. Se avete il mio cognome, non avvicinatevi. Siete stati avvertiti. Non costringetemi a sporgere denuncia. Non costringetemi a usare termini altisonanti come indebita influenza, condotta inappropriata, molestie o coercizione... cose del genere. Metterebbe in cattiva luce la famiglia. Voglio ricordare le cose belle di questa famiglia. Voglio preservarle. Permettetemi di farlo andandomene a quel paese.

È finita. Me ne vado. Mi sono ritirato dalla mia famiglia. Siete tutti in vacanza permanente. PERMANENTE. Capite l'inglese, vero? Parlate spagnolo? Non preoccupatevi, ripubblicherò in italiano. Voglio solo che la smettiate di provarci. Mi state logorando. State logorando questo Stato. Loro ce l'hanno con voi. Molti me l'hanno detto esattamente. Sorrideranno e vi parleranno eppure penseranno esattamente questo. Non illudetevi come ho fatto io. Possiamo ancora amare le cose belle l'uno dell'altro senza stare insieme o farci del male.

Dreams

A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream.

I picked me up the phone.

"Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience. Y'all taught me well. You know, on how to destroy people. By the way, Prichards wrote, said he's lost weight. Could you double his Clozaril? Oh, no, none for me thanks. Say hello to Conner for me. I know he'll take good care of my people... what's left of them."

I get frustrated with people who threaten other people or attempt to force medicate them. I get frustrated when professionals sabotage others or endanger the community. It's happened a time or two. I have a few hangups. I hope they have all taken the time to reflect upon thier actions and rethink thier lives. I'd hate to have to sue someone.  It's nasty business. I'd hate to have to speak to the Governor again. Especially about family members. But I can if someone forces me to. Rather easily, it seems. I'd rather prefer to let the governor focus on the good people of this state, not the dumbshits who can't keep thier traps shut and think they're too good for a hard lesson. Those dumb shits better let me hear them so much as whisper. Bad idea, dumb shits. Bad idea.

The School Bus

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away...

He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning.

See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove. 

Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy did it burn. He liked to go down by the little creek in the woods... see what he could burn.

He heard the beast coming. The diesel engine roared and the loud whine of the brakes cried out when the beast would turn. Shuddered to a stop right there with a hydraulic burst as the doors came open, engine rattling away.

The old place of learning had many memories. It had stood down on that state road, back behind the fast food and right across from the old mall. They had renamed it after integration. In the scramble to rearrange the education system, a black high school had been rechristened and converted to a middle school. It had stood down in Nickeltown. Off state highway 291. Pleasantburg Drive. 

The city had been built around that river. All those years ago, back before the Revolution, it had been born as a summer retreat for the folks up from the port of Charleston. You see, South Carolina started in a union with North Carolina, both states named after one of the King Charles. Charleston was founded as Charles Town, the first major city and remains to this day the largest (by most measures). It gets rather hot, and the settlers were prone to sickness from the swampy water and the storms. So they picked up, traveled Northwest, across the midlands (where at that time there was mostly swampy lands, forests and some fields), straight up into the foothills. There, in the Cherokee hunting grounds they found that river. Not a particularly large one. They took to building some mills. A main street. They build this street called Church Street. Deadended into a Church. Eventually some carriage factories and some more mills. The cotton from the lower parts of the state could be made into textiles, and the city boomed on that industry eventually. But initially the mills were mostly for grinding grain. By the 1990s it was the 3rd largest city in the state and had served as state capital for about a month when the Union burned Columbia. Charleston had ceased being the state capital long ago. 

They had called it Pleasantburg. Hence the road name. Where the new name came from was... well, see it had been a resort of bits, and very forested and natural. Very Green. Then roundabout the Revolution, the Swamp Fox did the country justice, so they decided that he was the inspiration, though they dropped the extra e and put up a statue right on Main. The textile mills disappeared in the 70s. Downtown was boarded up. It became dangerous. So they decided they needed a change. The economy diversified, and downtown was remade. In the 90s it became safe and popular. 

So Nickeltown had a school. Right near the old city dump, which closed sometime in the 70s. It had a concrete courtyard in the front. The High School had featured a Swimming pool, which had been left to nature and become a green pond. But he could remember that concrete courtyard oh so well. Not the safest place in the world. The bomb threats, people throwing things at others, the fights, gang type behavior. He had been compelled to defend himself physically a time or two. By the time he left, he had been gone in his mind so far away that it's amazing anything came out at all. 

That was when he met the hospital. Seemed a safe place at the time. They said he had the depression. They say he couldn't think so clear. Yet by the time he left that school he was thinking of the end. The darkness of the mind was powerful, and he was in the grip. Took to writing dark things.

Under the overpass and by the river... past the water treatment plant and up that hill... Across the state road... Past Augusta... by the furniture store and down into the neighborhood by the interstate... then the last turn taking it up that hill by the woods, turning right into the big lot. 

Interesting place. walking from that lot into the school, if you turned to the right and went into those woods, you could find a grave or two. The school seemed like a fortress. So he built himself up strong to survive. 

Public Service Announcement

Thank you for tuning into DarknessUntilDawn...

I'd like to give a message from our usual Sponsors... the CDC, SCDHEC, ETC...

Do not try this at home. After reading this message, click on "Personal Thoughts", "Medical", "Musical Diagnoses" and read the problem list. I literally took it right off a discharge summary. 

If you are a patient, think about how carefully you take your medication, and how sick you want to be...

If you have the power to prescribe... think about how sick you want your patients to be. Keep in mind those DEA numbers on your pads. They are there for a reason.

If you are a health care professional... Keep HIPPA in mind when you work. Keep your patients' well-being in mind. Don't screw around with other professionals. Maintain independence.

I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot. How it was. How it's changing. This is why I'd like people to tune into Poetry and "Carolina Drugs". Because I don't want South Carolina to be that way. I want a clean and calm state. One in which drug use is just something that is not actually real. Where pills are hard to find. Where it is just a story. This should be a place where sirens are uncommon. A place with trees and sunshine. The Palmetto state.

Show Time

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue!

It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology!

Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood!

Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father? 

I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges.

Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone else. 

On a side note, I've been thinking about the community and my concerns about boundaries. I'm very much hoping that anyone that has any sense who has worked with me professionally as a healthcare practitioner, particularly those with the power to prescribe, is taking their vacation days and rethinking their life a little. Maybe I shouldn't have worked with XYZ? Maybe I should have followed this law or that law? Maybe I should take an ethics refresher. Maybe I don't want DEA attention anymore. Maybe when this guy got flagged for Social Determinates of Health, maybe I popped up on one of those radars. Maybe I should think about retirement. Enjoying life. Maybe ECT is risky. Maybe rTMS should be used with caution. There's so many maybes. Hopefully before the governor talks to me. You know, before people start making threats of legal action. Before 600 pages of documents are secured from this hospital, before another hospital gets too much attention, before that hospital stops taking my patients, before people are buying guns... There's so much to think about... Maybe I shouldn't threaten people for holding others accountable? Maybe if someone is related to me, I shouldn't try to fuck with their healthcare? oh so many maybes... Maybe I should think for a while... Maybe my family needs me... Maybe having my name in the paper, my picture on a wall, or ridiculous amounts of money is bad. Maybe promoting prescription drugs, especially off label, is the wrong kind of attention... Yes, perhaps I should go home and rethink my life... shut my trap now and then... maybe people don't always need to know what I think? maybe it stirs up resentment, rather than jealousy. Maybe I like keeping my job and I should do it properly, within boundaries, and shut the fuck up? Naw... well... let's think about that... There's always church... but then, my uncle was a priest and that didn't work out so well. There's plenty of churches around...

Dangers of Psychiatry

Mental health requires a gentle touch. Some people should not work in mental health. some people do not understand boundaries. They think they are Gods. Then people get hurt.

Talking too much is a one way. Scribing too freely is a surefire way. Both at the same time? Recipe for disaster.

This is why some practitioners hate me right now. this is why they can't wait to shut me up. Because they know that I know their mistakes. I am their mistakes.

And the results? A mychart a mile long. Word salad. 

It was a long time ago. They were all partners. There weren't proper boundaries. There were some good intentions. But when the abusers know the providers and the providers know each other and the medication and diagnoses start flying too freely... by the time you're shipped off to McClean, it's a little late. by the time of the first coma, it's a little late.

Birds of a feather... the victims together...

Birds of a feather... psychiatrists together...

Birds of a feather... abusers together...

Birds of a feather... I've known many people. plenty of good ones.

Building a map of a mind takes humility. Not the Psychiatrists specialty. They need to cut down their egos a bit. Take their pictures off tv. take their photos off walls. Take their names out of the papers.

Go ahead, blame the patients. Go ahead, blame the social workers, Go ahead, blame the counselors. Blame side effects. Blame everyone but yourselves. Don't take vacations. Don't rotate out. Don't respect HIPPA. become partners and become too close. Refuse to retire. Go ahead. Take the insurance money, pass the pills and the blame around.

The PA is not one of you. So sorry. Now kindly go fuck yourselves. Yall need to retire. I'm counting the days. You can count the words. 

Am I afraid? Yes. Do I know how to fix it? no. Do I want to protect the community if no one else? Yes.

Guilty conscience... I know things, ya see... I just don't know how it works out. But I'm finding out. One day at a time. This is the mind you built. Maybe you just like yourselves too much.

Stages

My sense of humor is getting misplaced. Too much projection. Too much anger. Too little sleep. Details become clearer. Maybe the counseling is working. Now I find the stages. Ten stages. 

1. Suspicion 

2. Discovery 

3. Chaos 

4. Grieving 

5. Learning 

6. Reaching out 

7. Dependence 

8. Acceptance 

9. Resolution 

10. Moving on

Reasons

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades. 

13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

Year 6

It seems like yesterday

But it was long ago

Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights

There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and

And the secrets that we shared

The mountains that we moved

Caught like a wildfire out of control

'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove

And I remember what she said to me

How she swore that it never would end

I remember how she held me oh-so-tight

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind

We were runnin' against the wind

We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind

The years rolled slowly past

And I found myself alone

Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

I found myself further and further from my home, and I

Guess I lost my way

There were oh-so-many roads

I was living to run and running to live

Never worried about paying or even how much I owed

Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time

Breaking all of the rules that would bend

I began to find myself searching

Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind

A little something against the wind

I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now

I've got so much more to think about

Deadlines and commitments

What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind

I'm still runnin' against the wind

I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind

Well I'm older now and still runnin'

Against the wind

Against the wind

Against the wind

Still runnin' (against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) I'm still runnin'

(Against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) still runnin'

(Against the wind)runnin' against the wind, runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) see the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man runnin'

(Against the wind) he'll be runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) aah

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) they'll be ridin' against the wind

(Against the wind) against the wind

(Against the wind) ridin' against the wind...

Coffee

Hopefully the weekend will be quiet. I have to be ready to report in on monday... don't need anything new to say... don't need any new complaints... 

Oh the internist will be so proud...

I'm not sure why... I guess because I'm still intact...

Yep... I'll just enjoy my coffee... because when no one is running around and no one is causing trouble the community is so much nicer... the sun shines brighter... the pills taste nicer... everything is so wonderfully boring.

I'll just keep taking those blue pills, cuz I'm sure no one's gonna give me red ones... because we don't need excitment...

I like how they don't print out the papers anymore... I like just posting my mychart online... so everybody knows what not to do... 

That hyperlypidemia one... too much olive oil? <shrug>

I wonder what it will say this time? Seasonal happy disorder? Post hospitalization exhaustion syndrome? The PA's so good with words... maybe he'll quote a new law? Maybe I should guess? 

Oh my doctors are so proud... 

They even gave me a code to get inside. Last time it freaked me out. Last place I punched a code to get in... other then home before it broke... was the call center for crisis line. 

Overconceptualization

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel.

All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much

I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty.

Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like.

Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in fucking up the program.

You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind.

So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the talkers. I'm checking my firewalls every day. Because I have one machine. I have to protect it. Maintain it. Optimize it. I'm throwing out my scanner, I'm deleting files... running my updates... one day at a time. 

I gotta make sure I shut down now and then. I've only got so much power. Blow out my dust. Take myself off the grid. Be careful about the communications that come in. I'm not clicking those links. I'm blocking spam. 

So freaking tired. Headaches. Especially the forehead. Tingling in face. Sleepy. 

 

Wrestling Coach's Priorities

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago.

He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT.

I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health. 

Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying. 

What are the essentials? 

Financial management

Cooking

Cleaning

Home Maintenance

Mindfulness

Guitar (musical outlet)

writing

Hygiene

Fresh Air

Car maintenance

Rest

Caring for cat

Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness)

Spirituality

Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant.

So that crosses the following off the list

Psychology

Excessive IT skills

Excessive knowledge of the world

TV/videos

backwards ideas of medical, medication and Psychiatry

Mental health centers and hospitals

multiple sports

Helping people unless I'm being paid

listening to people's problems unless I'm being paid

excessive conversation

excessive foreign language skills... I do live in an area where everyone speaks English or Spanish

Obsessing over other people

Obsessing over parts of other people's pasts that I do not share

support groups

Social media

manipulative people

Blowhards

reading too much

excessive exercise

Excessive neatness

Enmeshment/Codependence Progress (Adult Content)

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers. 

They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other. 

I certainly hope I do not need to contact DSS, the medical board, or SCDHEC ever again. I am concerned however, as there are several people either biologically or contractually connected to me that do not understand proper boundaries and have professional licenses. I certainly hope I never have to file any reports. That is not something I want to do. MSWs, MDs, RNs, etc. I hope they keep their ethics requirements and the letter of South Carolina law in mind. I care about people in the community, and I have a conscience. I don't like to have to report inappropriate conduct regarding myself or others. I have enough problems.

However, DSS, SCDHEC, and the local police are readily available. For all the busybody, manipulative people out there who can't help but read this. We all have responsibilities. Keep that in mind. No unnecessary comments. No unwanted contact. No undue influence. No threats. No property theft or disruption. We all have a responsibility to follow the laws of our jurisdictions. I trust the judgement of the governmental authorities to know when action is or is not needed.

I'm tired. I'm medically complex. I've been through two comas. Don't push me. As many warnings and reports as are necessary will be made. I like this community. Don't make me educate you. The world has enough problems. Enjoy your lives. I need to be separate. Don't contact me. Don't pretend to know everything. Mind your own business. You have my caseworker's contact information. Just enjoy your lives. Let me go. I need to work on letting you go too. It's not like the entire state of South Carolina doesn't already know. It's not like they haven't been tracking Social Determinates of Health (SDOH). They do know. Enjoy your lives. Leave it be. Every time you do something inappropriate, it only makes you more guilty. So, be appropriate with minors, don't misuse medication, don't try to manipulate other professionals, and don't engage in any type of fraud. Because I can't protect you. Not anymore. People are watching. They have been for quite some time. Even if something happens to me, that doesn't erase the records or what people have already learned. It's too late. Give it up. Don't ask me to help you. I can't. You don't actually know me. Not really. Because you're in denial... the state of denial... this is South Carolina... we don't live in denial...

DID Therapy

This is the stuff memories are made of... 

Wrong.

This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy.

Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets. 

You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent.

You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD. 

You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the counselor and DID continue. Where does the intern go? Just down the hall, to the MD that's consulting to get coaching on thier experience. Meanwhile the counselor continues, and memories are unpacked, desensitized, and beliefs are restructured through education or suggestion, lifestyle adjusted, thoughts changed with details as big or small as songs played, fidgets, toys, drawing, nutrition, so many tools without a substance or medication in sight. Just the calming voices and the smiles. If the DID is in a dissociative state, subtle hints such as smells, what the counselor wears, anything at all to give the brain the right idea of what is needed that day.

This is violence reduction, desensitization of autistic symptoms, reeducation, medication and substance reduction... this doesn't happen in Springbrook or MIP or anywhere other than Austen Riggs. This is what McClean never used. This was thier mistake from day one. They hadn't the slightest clue what they were doing. Clozaril? Locked dark places? Creating monsters, one day at a time. 

McClean created autism. McClean created Bipolar. McClean created violence and ODs. Drug addictions. Harvard drug trials. Chemical experimentation. Clozaril. 

These disorders are manmade.

Be careful what you create. Shrinks just around the corner, DSM in hand.

Regrets

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start.

Not getting married in my thirties

Suicide attempts

Bad boundaries with family

bad boundaries at work

overly regimented lifestyle

not putting myself first

relying too much

taking Minipress

prescription drugs in general

bad psychiatry

Building egos

time spent in hospitals

too much tv

too much education

too much advice

contacting people without permission

worrying too much, not having fun

too much alone time

trying too hard

not enjoying simple things

talking to the wrong people

not developing hobbies as well

traveling too much

sleeping too much

Helper

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody... 

Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations...

It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx.

That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired.

The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt changes in behavior can match bipolar and its vague standards most of the time. You add in weather changes and diet changes, interpersonal influences, you get seasonal affective disorder. The DSM is excruciatingly vague. Throw a dx at a wall, it'll stick. Lapses in attention? Maybe you lost sleep, had something bad to eat, the wrong substance, were stressed, were physically sick, had a hormonal balance, even a mild seizure from a bright flashing light... bingo, you got your adhd. Don't take the drugs. Not worth it. You'll have trouble eating. Trouble maintaining weight. Energy problems. Probably headaches. If you do take the drugs, try to keep it low. I've seen what the drugs can do. It it quite frightening. Academics only takes you so far. And eventually, you do have to quit. Hopefully before you're forcibly retired or sued.

Illegal drugs are bad. Legal ones are simply tweaked illegal ones. 

Methamphetamines ADHD =Speed

Benzos/gabapentin = alcohol

Ketamine/spravato/Propofol = party drugs

Antipsychotics... dangerous beyond imagining... distort your perception... change your behavior... enable all sorts of things. But do NOT go on and off. That's very dangerous.

Minipress/propranolol... change your alertness... very dangerous. Alpha blockers, extremely dangerous. 911 dangerous.

Theres responsibility here. ATF. Professionals. Distributors. Consumers. 

Thing is, even people without a helper can lose sight of healthy limits. Too much work, trying to help too many, helping the wrong people, or misguided help.

Note to Reeders

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play. 

🕸️

Sigo viva

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo.

Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti?

Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un...

Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años,

tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto,

pero me alegra que hayamos hablado...

Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye... oh...

Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven.

Dijo que estoy lista... para ti.

No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy.

Excepto la mirada, la mirada...

Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente...

Yo, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, chico, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, sigo viva, sí.

Ooh, sí... sí, sí. Sí... oh... oh...

¿Pasa algo?, dijo ella.

Pues claro que sí.

Sigues viva, dijo ella.

Ah, ¿y merezco estarlo?

¿Es esa la pregunta?

Y si es así... si es así... ¿quién responde... quién responde...?

Yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Sí, yo, ooh, sigo viva.

Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Sponsors

DID would like to thank the following Sponsors:

SC DHEC

SocSecAdmin

DeptSS

THE MEDICAL BOARD OF SC

SC GOV OFFICE

AUSTEN RIGGS CENTER

MCLEAN HOSPITAL

MIP Hospital

SPRINGBROOK Hospital

CCBH Hospital

MEMORIAL Hospital

BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS Hospital

CRISISLINE

SAFEHARBOR

JV

LITHIUM

CLOZAPINE

SEROQUEL

DEPAKOTE

GABAPENTIN

RITALIN

ADDERALL

PRAZOSIN

PROPRANOLOL

ABILIFY

FANAPT

LATUDA

....

Electro Convulsive Therapy

rTMS

VNS

....

Please do not try this at home.

It will kill you eventually.

All in the family. 

This is what happened. And now they know. Everyone knows.

DID... everything to everyone... the tax clients, the family, the hospitals, the crisisline, the safeharbor, multiple schools, multiple fields, IT, psych, it was hell.

I can't be DID... I can't be everything to everyone. I quit. I resign my last name.

familia

 El DID no existe...

Yo no existo...

No te importa este sitio web...

Quieres quedarte en casa y ocuparte de tus asuntos...

No quieres llamar...

No quieres enviar mensajes...

No quieres que nadie más lo haga para informar...

No quieres visitar...

Quieres ocuparte de tus asuntos...

famille

 DID n'existe pas...

Je n'existe pas...

Vous n'êtes pas intéressé par ce site...

Vous voulez rester à la maison et vous occuper de vos affaires...

Tu ne veux pas appeler...

Vous ne voulez pas envoyer de messages...

Vous ne voulez pas que quelqu'un d'autre le fasse à votre place...

Tu ne veux pas visiter...

Vous voulez vous occuper de vos affaires...

Famiglia

 Il DID non esiste...

Io non esisto...

Non ti interessa questo sito web...

Vuoi stare a casa e farti gli affari tuoi...

Non vuoi chiamare...

Non vuoi mandare messaggi...

Non vuoi che qualcun altro lo faccia per riferirti...

Non vuoi visitare...

Vuoi farti gli affari tuoi...

Family

DID does not exist...

I do not exist...

You do not care about this website...

You want to stay home and mind your own business...

You do not want to call...

You do not want to text...

You do not want to have someone else do so to report back...

You do not want to visit...

You want to mind your own business...

SWAT

 It starts with a memory...

Just a whisper of a yesterday...

Do you see me seeing?

Do you see my dreams?

Do you want to remember?

What can I forget?

And from there it builds... the scripts don't fix this... the scripts they created this...

They build it up... the mind takes it from there...

And suddenly the world is different.

I've never seen SWAT in action. Never had the desire. But i have a vivid imagination. And this morning, in the darkness they came... Through the silence I could hear sirens everywhere... men, in cars unmarked, marked, coming from everywhere with their guns and their badges, their body armor and their grim faces... 

And then it was gone. washed away... washed away by the talkers... 

2 to 7 to 5 to 3 to 4 to 3 to 6...

And then I wash away.

SARA

Sara, vive da sola

Studia, e poi lavora
Sara, non ha paura
Sara è già più grande della sua età
Sarà, fuori è felice
Dentro, a volte è triste
Sara, la vita è strana
Sara come sei sei solo tu...

Oh Sara
Che cammini sotto il sole
Hai deciso di partire
Per cercare un'altra vita
Da seguire
Oh Sara
Che cammini verso il sole
Contro gli altri contro tutti
Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante
Della vita...

Sara, si sente sola
Sara ora è lontana
Chiama, due volte al mese
Dice che per ora lei non tornerà
Sara, ha un grande sogno
Vuole, cambiare il mondo
Sara, è un nuovo giorno
Sara come sei sei solo tu...

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole
Hai deciso di partire
Per cercare un'altra vita
Da seguire
Oh Sara
Che cammini verso il sole
Contro gli altri contro tutti
Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante
Della vita...

Tu, lo, sai, che, sei
Nelle mani tue...
Tu, lo, sai, che, sei
Nelle mani tue...

Oh Sara
Che cammini sotto il sole
Hai deciso di partire
Per cercare un'altra vita...
(Da seguire)...
Oh Sara
Che cammini verso il sole
Contro gli altri contro tutti
Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante
Della vita

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole
Hai deciso di partire
Per cercare un'altra vita
Da seguire
Oh Sara
Che cammini verso il sole
Contro gli altri contro tutti
Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante
Della vita... Sara...

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So, if anyone has any questions about how to treat my professionals with respect, I refer you to your ethics requirements from your licensures, South Carolina State Law, Federal Law (including but not limited to HIPPA), SCDHEC, DSS, THE MEDICAL BOARD OF THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA, OR IF NECCESSARY TO THE POLICE OR A COURT OF LAW. 

You don't want to follow the law? Fucking try me.

ANY QUESTIONS? ANYONE? ANYONE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, PLEASE?

NO? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS.

Pride

Oh, the Internist is gonna be so proud. I love to make my doctors PROUD. 

Now it's brain fog. But hey, lost a lot of weight and stopped ADHD medication. Plus flashbacks of hospitals and of multiple near death experiences. My brain is tired. 

So it's more of the same. Rest, mild exercise, nutrition, electrolyte water, calm app. 

Do I revel in being miserable? Not quite. Seriously, you try stopping Clozaril after 21 years and see what happens. You stop retaining water, you stop wanting to eat, headaches, flashbacks, moodswings, BP changes, heart rate drops, even your body temperature is different. Slightly lower. Fatigue, nausea, tingling, twitches, tinnitus... feeling narcoleptic because you don't sleep deeply. 

But seriously, if that stuff was helping, how did I manage to OD on three bottles of scripts while on a therapeutic dose? Anyone? Anyone at all?

It wasn't helping. So now the chemically suppressed memories and emotions come out and the body struggles to keep the mind together. I have to keep the body alive while the mind heals.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taking

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows

Lies the seed that with the sun's love

In the spring becomes the rose

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21 p2

Anyways. So, meds are not the ultimate solution

Diagnoses are not the ultimate solution.

Genetics and chemicals? Well, I'm gonna go back to the nature vs nuture.

All of these disorders? Well people like to look for answers or find causes or demons.

Some people jump to look at their genes... others find a chemical or food or an environmental factor such as electronic devices or the weather...

History plays a role, in combination with the rest. I do not doubt that any of the disorders are not "real". They are complex. Autism, ADHD, Depression of whatever type, and Dissociation.

The thing I noticed about Covid was how psychological it became. People did die. I tested positive at one point. For me it was like a mild flu. But I saw people thinking they had it when they didn't, time after time. The thing that lasted was that autism spectrum seemed to become more widely known. I had to think about that. 

ADHD... I've seen so often, parents of kids with ADHD, they get focused on the diagnosis whether they medicate or not, and it becomes an animal of its own. When there's so much to the relationship and the person. And then people don't see the social factors that are playing into the diagnosis. They don't see the nurture side of the causes and what drives it. The medications that are used most commonly? Methamphetamines, a close cousin of amphetamines. One of the earliest uses of amphetamines? Hitler gave his soldiers amphetamines at the outset of world war II to make them stronger and more energetic/fanatical. The result? Some of the worst atrocities mankind has ever known. These drugs, they crystalize the thought... but there are environmental factors. Eating a healthy diet. Getting enough sleep. Positive emotional relationships. The absence of head trauma, both physical and psychological. You have two kids and one has an LD? Maybe it's not the kid. Maybe it's not pure genetics. Maybe it's more complicated then that. Maybe, just maybe, you had a genetic predisposition, and the social and environmental factors did the rest. There will always be the weak and the strong. Both mentally and physically. Head trauma can cause all sorts of LDs. Head trauma isn't just physical trauma. It's psychological trauma. Accidents. Abuse. Neglect. Not that anyone needs to beat themselves up. It just means that it's not random, it's not just genes, and it's not just drugs.

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21

So, I've been thinking more about boundaries and minding one's own business.

I used to not have the slightest understanding of boundaries. I applied rules. Simplistic ones. Then I came off Clozaril and my feelings opened up. Man. Coming off Minipress was an extremely frightening experience. Shit got epically real in all the wrong ways. Do not ever take that red pill. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Those things are highly dangerous. 

Coming off Clozaril was much different. It was like leaving the matrix and seeing reality for the first time. Both the internal reality and the external. Oh, Prichards was angry. He was no longer God. He was also afraid. He was afraid for the world to see what he had created. And then everyone was afraid. I didn't like what I saw in many cases. People didn't like that I could see.

I could see the fakeness. I could see the façades. I could see the corruption. I could see the dirt, and the ugliness. Oh they came up with all sorts of names. They brought out the big guns to shut me up and medicate me back. Oh, they pulled out every tool. So yeah, I got angry. It's not something you can forget. It's not something you should forget. It was a lesson.

Yeah, I got a lot of heat. I had been the good little soldier, taking my drugs and staying in line. Thing is, those same drugs that were my "salvation"... Clozaril "my" medication. My "gold standard". My angel in the form of a pill. The second coma? The one I went into the day that McClean released me? The one that should have killed me if the first one didn't? Well guess which med I was on at the time? The one that was supposed to save me. I was on Clozaril when I went into a coma. Well ain't that fuckin beautiful. Genius. It did a damn good job. They barely brought me back. Barely. Damn good job. Let's take more and have coma #3, why don't we?

The time I had dialysis? I was on gold standard #2. Lithium. Damn good job lithium. Sure did work. Just brilliant.

Coma #1? CDC phone call? Delirious and trying to rip wires off my body with 3-4 people holding me down? That was Depakote. Good job meds. Good job.

Thank the Shrink, I am saved. I'll thank the ICU and ER staff instead. The shrink can go fuck himself.

Community Message

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath.

Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much. 

Easter

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away.

I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone.

As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound. 

I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face. 

My head hurts every day. People use all sorts of names for me, either good ones with fake smiles or the ones that at best show little respect and at worst dehumanize. I recognize the sing song voices and the lies I once did not.

After 600 pages from one mental hospital, if you still think it is wise to play with me, then you are completely blind and deaf and there is no saving you. 600 pages!?! Even I have trouble believing it. Play with the cat. He's my better nature.

I was many things. Now I am many pieces. I can barely care for myself. Leave me alone. 2 comas. 2 comas. TWO COMAS. I do not need a 3rd.

Eventually, you'll have to truly hear something i say or stop fucking with me.

We can argue until the end of time about what I need, what i am capable of, who I am, or where I went wrong. Waste of energy. You got your own 600 pages? File them. Then stay the hell away from me.

Develop some common sense. Do not play with fire. Someone will get burnt.

Self Defense

I do not like weapons.

I bought my first self-defense weapon in 2024. I say that because it was the first time I bought a weapon with the intention to defend my person long term. 

It happened during tax season. One too many verbal assaults. There were 2 I can remember considering contacting law enforcement. A big guy that started screaming "BULLSHIT" when I tried to explain that I could not deduct certain trucker expenses due to changes in the tax law. It took multiple employees from multiple offices to talk him down.

The woman that would not stop pressuring me to base a tax return off an online estimate and started screaming.

There was a mentally ill woman who would not go away. A smooth-talking Northeasterner that would not stop contacting me. A bully who the women wouldn't work with. Yay for being male. There was one that came back, insisting on voiding a signed document that had already been processed.

I'm a fairly big guy. It's not incredibly often people try physical intimidation. But there many ways to threaten or cause harm. 

I found a way to get people's attention. It comes in a black carrying case. It is bright pink. You cannot miss it. Turn off the safety and pull the trigger. It is so very loud. The electric current is so bright it hurts your eyes. Why anyone would see a bright pink taser, especially after a warning activation, and still walk towards it is beyond me. And given that it is so loud, it will attract attention. It is not meant for stealth. It is not meant to attack. It deters. But God forbid I should ever have to use it, I would hold contact for the briefest of moments. Painful muscle spasms. Hold it too long, chance of permanent injury. People that don't take warnings seriously, I can get their attention. 

I'm not as young as I once was. I'm still fairly strong. I have words, non-verbals. I have some self-defense moves that I recall from wrestling. For the obstinate or deceptive, I have the taser. 

I'm getting tired. My mind is maybe a little less sharp and enduring. So now I keep the taser, to defend my person. For the abusive, manipulative, or power crazy, I have the ability to file reports. I have counseling. I have my writing.

Anger Management

So, with the physical symptoms calmed down and my mental health providers keeping busy (Staff of 4 plus consultants and hospitals/centers), I have decided to turn my attention to less medical matters. The cat is doing well. I might as well just let him be my public face. He seems to be more popular. 

The calm app continues to be beneficial, and I absolutely find Walmart+ to be liberating. Guitar is mostly just playing chords for now, while I continue to increase my awareness and mental coherence. My professionals are maintaining me on the four daily meds plus the as needed. On the plus side, the lack of stimulants means that I get to enjoy more caffeine. I've had some headaches that lean towards the tension type, still some weird sensations in my face. I can only hope that the South Carolina mental health community reads this site. There's gotta be something to learn from this. Such as, drugs are bad (scripted ones too), don't threaten patients, don't sabotage other professionals, don't wait until you have 600 pages worth to say about someone before you actually say something, Diagnoses are not everything, abuse can and will be reported, we all have to live here, or maybe cliques/enmeshment/codependence is not cool.

My anger for what has happened in my life is one thing. My anger for what happens in the lives of those who try to help me is another. My judgement in my personal affairs may not always be the best, but I have pretty clear perception when it comes to professionals in the community. It's something I return to again and again. It is something that I hold sacred. Maybe MIP protects its own. Yeah, I can do that too. I used to think I liked shrinks. Then I got de-numbified. Now, not so much. I've been on both sides. I got my bachelor's in psychology. I volunteered for 3.5 years. I've been to more mental health facilities then anyone I know. Seeing a facility vs facility, facility vs community, facility vs professional, or psychiatry vs counseling vs social work really gets on my nerves. Seeing mental health workers fail to correct patients or other staff on inappropriate conduct really gets on my nerves. What are you teaching this community, exactly? Fornication is ok? Drugs are ok? Lack of accountability is ok? Yelling is ok? What exactly are you teaching here? I feel I have reason to be concerned, for I have walked the halls of MIP, CCBH, Springbrook, those centers in MA, The psychiatrists offices in GE, SC, and MA. I've been to the testing centers. I've been to MUSC. To Anmed. To PRISMA. We need to be careful here, folks. Personally, I appreciate nurses, counselors, and social workers. They work very hard. You think I don't notice? The latter two are better with boundaries, with a few exceptions. I did meet an LPC at Springbrook with some of the worst professional boundaries I have ever seen in that field. I'm glad I don't remember her name, because I would have reported her so many times. Licensure requirements exist for a reason. Don't go around preaching shit that poisons this community. If you can't do your job, stay home. Do not exceed your authority or your knowledgebase. If I'm having to teach you boundaries, then you have epically failed. 

Some of you techs better watch yourselves. This isn't a free ride. You are not qualified to instruct these people. You're fucking up this community, and I don't appreciate it. Shut your mouths and do your jobs. It's not that hard. I've done it a time or two. Do not spread your mental poisons and I won't spread mine. You want to mouth off? do it off the clock, in a break room or at home. You fuck up this community and then I'll make sure it catches up to you.

Dear Public

 Dear Public,

Do not take drugs. DRUGS COME FROM PHARMACIES. FOR ANYONE WILLFULLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION, THIS SHIT KILLS YOU. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. THEY WILL NUMB YOU OUT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS, THEY DISTORT YOUR JUDGEMENT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. YOU END UP FUCKED. For further details, please consult "Personal Thoughts", "Personal Thoughts - medical", or ask to see my mychart, then consult an LPC. 

DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS.

Thank You.

Bullshit of the Day

Let's see, what's the latest bullshit?

It's circulating widely. The DSM is getting vaguer. People keep talking bullshit, they find new words for it... Something wrapped up and resold every day.

That's why I have to persistently unwrap this stuff. Demystify. So we can all know it for the Bullshit that it is. 

How many drugs can we repackage in different ways? I want people to know how this shit kills you. I want them to see the myChart. I want them to see the problem list. Let's just publish it all. We'll make pamphlets and fliers... RITALIN, GET YOUR RITALIN! Lithium! Seroquel! See how fast it kills you! Liver damage, Nausea, Constipation, BP changes, EKGS, GET YOUR EKGS!

Wanna a resting pulse of 95-100? Take your Clozaril, call me in the morning about the cravings, the immune system, check with a nutritionist 50 times a year. Oh you'll be strong. Completely Numb. Spaced out. Useless. A complete burden on society. One day at a time, a few hundred mg... You'll be locked up forever. Just look at the past 20-25 years. Oh you'll stay breathing. And completely useless. You won't realize until you stop taking the pills how numbed out you were.

Got a cholesterol problem yet? One day at a time, you'll get there.