I've tried to be honest on this website about mental health. It's taken a few detours and it's not always been pretty, or anywhere close to it. I miss feeling like I had a crew. Having an independent voice is isolating. I have not enjoyed the experience. Trying to inspire others in a world of differing views is a strange business. 

    I feel disingenuous if I'm always positive and full of hope. I try to be honest, and that doesn't always allow for painting in the brightest colors. What's most disturbing to me has been the shifting of loyalties as I've said more and more. All I'm saying is what has happened. It's gotten so extremely personal. It makes me wonder how you can be personal with someone and still be their friend. 

    I like to lift others up, even by admitting fault. I don't want to be the perfect one. It's not realistic. I'm definitely not perfect, I'm not actually well liked.

    What I learn about people sews doubt. It's easier to be closed, play it tough. So much easier. To say nothing at all. I've tried to hold back. I've tried to be nice. When you say all the right things, you play along, life goes right smooth. Where is that middle ground between too open and too closed?

    When I started the website, I thought maybe I would still be able to relate, while telling the truth. I feel like I was living a false life, just playing along. Living in a fantasy. All the volatility and the isolation, is it coming full circle? They keep asking me about paranoia. As if wanting to have a voice in your own health care is paranoia. And low and behold, my physical health has gotten better with me having that voice. But I don't like the pushback. I feel a chilling effect when truth comes out. 

    I do feel betrayed. And the world is going to have to let me feel betrayed. They should have asked me why. They should have given me a chance to explain my actions. Now I'm paranoid because they don't want to hear. I don't think it's paranoia to be afraid when people threaten you with jails and restraining orders for showing up to a hospital with a bad reaction to Spravato. I don't think that's paranoia. I think it's a very realistic fear. 

    What I would have understood is if in March they had a talk with me about maybe spravato is too risky for you. That would have made sense. And I had some poor judgement around Elle with the contact and the mentioning her name. It's funny how when I used to just play cards and go to the classes and take the drugs everything was fine and dandy. I try to have a say in my own healthcare, and I make one mistake with a nurse and the tables turn. I was following Prichards and the doctors' medical advice the whole time. That never changed.

    I need to find my humor and hold onto it. I need to do this because I am grateful for the care of the workers that put in long hours and demonstrated compassion. I need to be my own light in the world and communicate better. I hope that I can do that. Hopefully, my writing and my work in accounting can do more for the world then my actual presence has seemed to do.