Worry and Working Together

    I need to be careful. I've been scaring people again. Thinking about the time I bought the gun and being angry about March's hospitalization yielded bad results. I had a bad fantasy. I need to be careful about telling people about these fantasies. They scare people. I like people. I really do. I care about them. I can't scare them anymore. It wears on them. 

    I need to stay away from the prescription drug excesses. And I need to get rid of that ritalin. I never gave it back. I have a chance to have a life. But I need to stay away from excessive medication and bad psychiatry. Because I like people. Sometimes I get into denial after so much mixed-up reality. I want this to be a happy story. I want MIP to be glad. Glad that we made it. But my energy is low. My body gives me the impression, from the various tingling and headaches and lack of sleep and pain and nauseas and etc that it has limited capacity for stress. I can't push it too hard. 

    This can't be about lawsuits and guns. That's not the way. It's so not the way. That's not how people heal. They wonder why I need a counselor. They spread rumors about what I do with her. What I think about her. I need a counselor because of bad psychiatry. But I'm pushing people too hard. That much has become obvious. I can't afford to push them too hard. They don't understand DID in the slightest. That's the impression I get. But I haven't been great at explaining. I've been learning too. 

    I'm just worried what I might say around people. Because I'm still angry. I like people. I wish I had the energy to do more. I don't. I really don't. I'm tired almost all the time. I need to try to exercise some and get more sleep. I need to be EXTREMELY careful about stress. I'm worried that I scare the nursing staff. The other staff seems to resent me. They think I'm playing games with this DID thing. I was told Arson married Elle. It's no wonder they find me triggering. They've had intense experiences with me. Very intense. She says Arson doesn't understand. She's right. He doesn't. 

    Some people are in denial. Sometimes they reach for magical solutions like psilocybin or other drugs. I believe the potential for healing is limited. I believe the body and the mind have limited capacity. I hope they understand that I can only do so much. They wanted me to advocate, they just don't like me advocating for DID, they wanted it to be bipolar. They wanted to be right. They were wrong. But we still have a chance. If we work together. But we can't wear each other out. Their denial gives me false hope. I cannot afford false hope. I need to focus on the basics of self-care. I can still have a life. I know they want to believe I'm lying. That this is all bullshit. Unfortunately, those beliefs are dangerous. We have to work together. Unfortunately, DID is a very serious illness. I can't afford fantasies. I can't afford to believe in magical solutions. Every time I buy into it, my body pays for it. But I'm going to have to be 100% honest and go very slow. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. I do like people. I don't like to scare them. 

    The fantasy was about buying another gun and ... ending it as it started. At MIP. The place that the magic maker was born. Where I met him. I was going to show him the results of bad psychiatry. But this needs to be a story of hope. Not of abrupt endings. So, we're not going down that road. We agreed on that. But if I push too hard... I get unstable. We can't go down that road. This is literally as serious as cancer. It's time we all wake up to that fact. Myself included. 

God Bless

 I'd like to end today by reminding everyone of the dangers of bad psychiatry and bullshit cbt. I'd like to encourage everyone else who has been affected to seek thier own counseling, and i think at some point someone is going to have to look at mip and Woodruff road for other survivors of bad psychiatry. 

Thank you for Viewing

Anyways, I think that concludes the self discovery portion. I have a history of misinterpretation, overmedication, and I don't actually have bipolar. Thats been a point of contention. I'd like to thank my oldest sister. I'm not actually dangerous but I prefer to not have my healthcare manipulated or to attract too much attention. If I don't say anything, you can assume that I simply have no comment. I have my limits. 2 comas. I need to focus on a quiet life, finding my partner. I'm used to inspiring confidence. Thats not been the case lately.

"Behavioral Health Centers"

    I'm not exactly smart enough to outsmart 3 psychiatric hospitals, so HOPEFULLY, my counselor is right, that I don't actually have to teach my families about everything. I certainly don't want to teach them about everything. The impression that I get is that they are learning. Because I certainly have no interest in anyone running my healthcare or in being a professional patient. I just get tired of getting hit and the uncertainty and bad communication. Not all of it is me. I certainly have no interest in repeating the past.

    I've been a little grouchy. But again, my healthcare has been a little... crazy.  So hopefully, someone other then me is figuring out something about my families that will grease some wheels with some of the people that my rough edges are bumping against. Things such as "Bipolar really is bullshit"... we should be kind AND honest AND not manipulative. Direct. To the point. And not waste my time or give my team extra work. Draw out the process. I'm pretty sure they have the drugs covered. Sleep could be better. But the drug part seems pretty well worked out. With any luck, maybe drop one more. 

ADHD

     ADHD was my first. I have the dreamy subtype, mild. Other people, they have the hyperactive subtype and are much more active than I am. It was originally thought to be almost exclusively male and something that was grown out of. Now we know that those are both false conclusions, though it's more common in males.

    There's plenty of resources on the subject, so I won't go into much detail. One of the lesser understood symptoms (per my experience) is Mult focusing: focusing on multiple tasks at once, such as watching tv while working or listening to the radio while working. Sometimes, having stimulation in the background, particularly if you also have CAPD (central auditory processing disorder, which is highly comorbid), actually helps you to focus better rather than more poorly. 

Mood Stabilizers

    These I saw the least benefit from personally, but they include lamictal, lithium, valproate, Topamax, I think Trileptal and others. I was on almost all of them excluding Topamax.

Amantadine

    This one was kinda loopy. Prescribed for brain trauma or cognitive impairment. Boosts dopamine. Can make you hyperfocus like crazy. Everything becomes interesting. Similar to mirapex. Can affect addictive behavior as well. It's all groovy. 

Rytr

 I found this ai to help me a little with editing. It has generation and summarization, but it's better at tweaking something prewritten. It's called Rytr. 

Stubborn

I think the hospital wants to heal the families, but they don't understand the full problem, so they get frustrated, blame me, blame my counselor, and try to slam shut the whole process. But im stubborn. And I won't let them do that. Damn stubborn. Two comas. Still here. Damn stubborn.

What Spidey tink.

Spidey gonna be doing bedder. Spidey hab new team. Molly in charge. Spidey make it up to de udders layder.

They may not like me very much, but I'm getting what I need. Tired of this. And yes, I care about these people. I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying so hard to be nice when I'm obviously not doing well. I'm broke, im alone, a lot of people are pissed. I'm tired of it. I'm in charge of my healthcare now. I'm not having anyone get in my way about getting what I need.

What Spidey Tink...

    Glue gno what Spidey tink?? Spidey tink arachnids knot meant to be litigious. Spidey come from long line ob pwoud brown recluses. Hab no knead for deese silly human ideas about whose fault what is.

Love

    Some people get confused about the word love. But going back to the roots of Christianity, we're all brothers and sisters, and we all love each other through Christ. So, if I say that I love Elle or Leaves or just about anyone, technically that's true. Some people get hung up on words. They get a little snotty about words and appearances. Other people understand. It's all in your perception. I can love a stranger. Thats what God allows us to do. 

    I think what I need to assume is that others are like me... that they recognize their mistakes, as I recognize mine, and they repent thier actions, as I repent mine. That allows me to forgive them, and for their sake, I hope they do the same. Because I have to move on. I'm tired of all this clear my name bullshit.

The Doctor's Prayer

 

Our Psychiatrist, who art on call, hallowed be thy fame. Thy shift shall come, thy will be done, in community, as it is in hospital. Give this day our daily meds, and forgive us our boundary violations, as we forgive those who violate against us. And lead us not into medication, but deliver us from inpatient! For thine is the prescription pad, the mood journal, and the diagnosis, forever and ever. Amed. 

Monday Service

And the Good Psychiatrist said, let there be diagnoses, and there were diagnoses, and people got pissed off! Can I get a Clozaluiah!?!

AMED!!!

To My Stars

Dear Elle and Leaves,

    This has been difficult. I never wanted to hurt you not even for one second. You were some of my north stars. I miss you. I struggle every day to stay present. Elle worked long and hard for that hospital. As did my father. I have to respect the work that was done. I owe you a great deal. I can't waste your work. I will honor what you did. By not letting this be a tragedy. You lifted me up. I must honor that. I hope you understand. I must forgive those who have wronged me. Not forget. But forgive. I can't expect everyone to understand. 

    Maybe my families are starting to see the bigger picture of the dangers of legalized drugs and mental manipulation. Maybe not. Maybe they will forever remain buried in their ignorance. Maybe they will continue to judge me, and remain buried in hatred. Maybe they will continue to idolize the magic maker Prichards and his friend Malacheck. But I cannot do the same. I have to move on. God will judge us all. I have to move on. I'm trying to move on. I have to help others and be a better example, while not enabling or encouraging wrong.

    If nothing else, I do this for you. I can at least try. I cannot fall back on evening the score with my families. Though I'm concerned for who else may have been harmed at MIP or Greenville Psychiatropy. I am concerned. I have reason to be concerned. It is a fact that gabapentin was misused in the 90s and the company got in trouble for it. I was a minor. I was miseducated on legalized drugs. Unraveling the truth is taking so much time because there are people that want to bury it. And that causes harm and draws out the process, and by now so very many people have suffered for the actions of my families. I have to be strong and speak out, to put an end to this kind of manipulation. IMA knows. City Center knows. By now half the damn world should know the dangers of bad psychiatry. I'm rather certain they are pissed off enough about it. 

    But I'm doing this for the kids, and for the good eggs. I'm saying "no" to bad psychiatry. The same bad psychiatry that so many people have learned to hate just by knowing me. Anmed. Greenville Ketamine. Mindwell. The list is endless. These people know the dangers of bad psychiatry. Maybe they are not familiar with Assmussen. But God will judge him too. Prick. 

    Anyways, I'm doing this for y'all. For your blood, sweat, and tears. And for the kids. Every now and then I still think about giving up. But that would be a betrayal of what you did. They will never cease to try to stop me, but I will never stop warning people about bad psychiatry and people who have practiced it or profited from encouraging it. Just follow my history and you know who and what to avoid. I will honor your efforts if you honor my wishes: DO NOT FORGET THE DANGERS OF BAD PSYCHIATRY. Just by walking around, I'm spreading the word. This is what it looks like. 

Ashes

Positives and Negatives

 Positives

• The hospital is trying
• My physical health is still decent
• I have a good cat
• I have a good home and food
• I have some good friends
• I can write pretty well
• I have a diverse team with lots of knowledge
• I have skills
• A lot of lives were saved at that hospital and my family had a lot to do with that
• I have extensive education
• The medication is helping, even if it's not comprehensive
• I care about people, even if I can't show it
• I try to do the right thing.
• I have a good credit score

Negatives

• The hospital doesn't understand DID and occasionally tries to bury it
• The past was difficult
• I still have plenty of flashbacks, dissociation, depression, I still think about death
• I looked up a nurse and texted her
• The hospital had a fit over Hemp products as if that erases everything Prichards did or the hospital did. We engaged in legal threats. But we're working on that.
• People have wronged me and refuse to recognize that fact or apologize and sometimes still try to hurt me.
• I can no longer expect family, the hospital, or the centers to understand an illness that is hard to treat
• I have a very serious illness that few people understand or want to understand
• There are a lot of bitter and angry people regarding the progression of my illness
• No family (partner, kids)
• Prichards and Malacheck were unethical, and I have trouble getting past that
• I have difficulty with recall and staying present (The dissociation)
• I had trouble adjusting to getting off Clozaril
• people push me too hard and fast and violate boundaries pretty regularly
• I have anger issues

Backups

    We have the evidence to go to trial if we need to.

Reality

    The reality is that I was trying to be the perfect son and I failed. The reality is that we didn't know then what we do now about DID. The reality is that this can't be about vengeance. The reality is that I need to make something positive of this. But with better boundaries that do not include my family or the hospital system choosing my providers for me. Better boundaries that do not include drawing people into my business or allowing them to do as they please. 

    Strength is about forgiveness and self-reliance, not blame and dependence. 

Vengeance

    Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past. 

    I cant keep going back to the hospital. I'm legit worried what they might do. I need to see beyond. I need to decrease the darkness. I need to understand what I CAN do. I keep fading out. And its wearing on people. I need to understand better. I'm getting too focused on the dark. This is getting confusing.

    The hospital needs to try harder to coordinate care. They didn't even try.

    I feel like I need to set more realistic expectations. Remind people that whatever you call what I have, with the number of hospitals I've been to, there's something seriously wrong. They just don't agree on what it is. Some call it cPTSD, others DID, some insist that they don't believe in either and they want to call it bipolar. But whatever you do or do not call it, it's a serious problem. 

    I keep trying to think that people want to help. But most of them just want to bury it. They find it amusing at first, kinda novel, then they hate it and want to bury it. 

    Now I'm no longer Prichard's demon, I'm my families' demon. The one they couldn't fix. There's simply not enough metaphors for this.

    They say the definition of insanity (or is it stupidity?) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I keep going to the hospital expecting different results. It doesn't make sense.

    I can't blame my families. I have to do this independently. Not rely on the hospital so much. Give them some breathing room. 

    They did such a good job the time before last. I have to hold that in my memory. Try to keep it fresh. I have to hold onto the good. They worked so hard. Elle was amazing. She always looked out for me. I have to remember the good eggs. There's so many good eggs. I have to remember them. But I can't rely on them too much. 

Tinking...

Still berry frustrated, but Spidey try see di lighter side...

SPIDEY DUDENT KNEAD TO PROVE ENNYTING TO DI HOSPITALS! Spidey's a berry nice arachnid. Bedder be nice to Spidey.

    I don't know what people think. I don't know exactly how they think my brain or my body works. I know I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. If institutionalization still existed, my life would be a case study. If you think I'm a carefree, party person, think again. That's not who I am. I did try. Multiple careers. Bad communication. I tend to collect jackals. The ones that feed on vigilante justice. I've learned to keep my distance.

Healthcare Werkers

    Ting about di healthcare werkers is, Spidey can help. Dey hab to let Spidey help. Udderwize, dey keep trying to step on me. Spidey leggy.

Dear Dr. Small

 

Dear Doctor Small,

    Spidey like di tulips. Berry nice. Ebbyday Spidey tink, dis will be di day! Di day dat my stwuggle is obber! ... den Spidey's back. Did Elle talk to ebbyone?? Spidey liked Kenzie. Berry nice. Dey say dis is a long-term ting. No magical fixes, dey tell Spidey. Spidey get caught up in di details. 

Hugz!

Spidey