I'm BACK!

 Maybe I'll just go to the hospital and be like...

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!

And the staff will be like...

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Learning

 Dear coffee,

    I have to trust that these people, collectively, know what they are doing. I relied on Spravato too much, I'm getting the right help. The anger is better; the blood pressure is better. I really am coming back. I'm trying to be patient. She's helping me understand trust. 

    I guess when people don't actually know how to help, actual help can look like insurance fraud without transparency. That's why I have to do these letters. To be transparent about what I do with my time. I do it so people will know the truth about DID, Bipolar Bullshit, medicalized perfection, and all the rest. 

    I do this so that people don't make stupid assumptions about me dating my counselors. If you're not a Certified Complex Trauma Professional level 2 or higher (I don't know all the levels), then you really don't have anything to say. If you don't have the test results and the necessary expertise to interpret them, then you have nothing to say. 

    I need to take care of myself. I need to have good boundaries with people and effective trust. Effective trust means speaking the truth, giving people the information that they need, the information that is pertinent to them and that will help them to do right. It means not buying into bullshit. It means respecting privacy. 

    People that have poor judgment, people that are hateful, they open their traps without knowing the facts. They make ASS out of U and Me PTIONS. It makes us all look stupid. But my counselor is helping me learn about these things. I'm trying to understand these things. So that I can be more effective in the real world. I'm not the best communicator. And I mislearned about legalized drugs. I need you to trust me like I need Elle and the others to trust. Then life can be less complicated. 

    I thought there was nearly going to be a riot in that ward. But I can't engage with ignorance. I need calm waters. I do care about people. The world does have other problems. I just need to make sure that I'm managing mine and not perpetuating ignorance. I'm no criminal mastermind. I'm not dating anyone. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning. 

    I can't keep ending up in these hospitals. It's not helpful. So, I'm keeping my distance when necessary. I'm slow, but I'm learning. It's taking me a while to see the full picture. But when I see glimpses of it, I know my place is out here, understanding all of these people and how to be a part of what they do. Communicating better. Having better boundaries and trust. Managing my pace and keeping my peace. 

Ashes

Trust and hospitals

    So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options. 

    But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

GOOD MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!

    Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate! 

    In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

Gambling

 

Dear Elle,

    I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.

    I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism. 

    But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself.

Ashes

Sleep

     The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.

Why go back to brownelle?

Maybe i needed to remember

Maybe i needed to understand

Maybe i needed to forget

Take di hint? Spidey???? Nebber.

Promises to keep

Dear Elle,

I miss you. I trust you. I won't let you down.

Remember,

Ashes

God is watching us.

Reminders to selves

2: Stop expecting people to understand

3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

Relentless

Relentless in my passion, I will not seek surrender

Resolute in my reasons, I always insist to remember

When the echoes of the past return to call my bitter name

The memories lost and will I had return and shall remain.

My companions, I must shed like the dregs of yesterday

Though they mean me well at times, I must find my way

Forward is the future sought, and they are just the past

Gratitude I hold for them, but some things cannot last.

Volly

 

Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

Sleep/Spacey/irritable

I've really not been sleeping much. And my sinuses are nuts. So im taking severe sinus every four hours. I don't know what the world wants from me that I have and can give. It seems like people always want. And never satisfied. They always want more. 

Gender Conformance

    While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced. 

    Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which is why I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

Attachments

    Healthcare and attachments can be complicated. Having a father who worked in medicine makes things complicated. I definitely have a way of shutting down or going into a freeze state with healthcare. 

    So, I was reviewing the extent of my crimes. I ran a background check on a nurse and texted her, I hugged a PA (after asking) and her staff started referring to me as her boyfriend (and she was married), and this was after getting into a dispute with my ex-psychiatrist regarding medication. Around the same time, things got heated at the tax office, I was verbally assaulted multiple times, and one of the offices was vandalized, so I bought a Taser. I have a long history of depression and PTSD and sometimes say things that alarm people. So, buying a Taser was considered a no-no. Then that thing at 17. Threatened someone. 

Perfection

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

Simple

    When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out. 

    I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.

Distracted

    One of the blessings of my life recently is how seldom my phone rings. Life is full of distractions. People determined for one reason or another to grab my attention. That's why I like writing. You can pick it up or put it down. You can take it with you. You can put it away.

    Auditory stimulation is much less voluntary. I mean, there's podcasts and audiobooks. I'm so tired of talking to some people. So tired of pretending to care. 

    I just want to emphasize again that I don't actually want to hurt anyone, and I no longer have Elle's information. It was a mistake. She was never in danger. She looked out for me. She's gone now. That's all there is to it. 

    I need to work on my recall and my thought cohesion. These weird headaches to me indicate either DID or TBI. Either way, I don't think that's a sign that more mental manipulation is a good idea.

Cooks in the Kitchen

     Artstick liked to say, you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. She's right. But that goes beyond medicine into the psychological and into hobbies and general life. Too many people in charge is a bad thing. Too many influences is a bad thing. That Social Determinates of Health thing got me thinking a while back. There are so many influences that affect a person's wellbeing. I'm just glad life is getting quieter. 

    Hopefully, no one is going to push me too hard, and I'll be ok. They tell me I'll be ok if I don't push too hard. Slow and steady, not too much excitement. Some people are never satisfied for even one second. Unfortunately, some things are permanent. Unfortunately, mistakes made 5, 10, 20 years ago can have permanent consequences. The thing I need to do now is maintain. 

    I need to focus on building new social connections and my writing. Maybe when I've been stable for a while I can retake the EA exam. But I need to spend time focusing on my health and my home and these social connections. I've had too many doctors stirring the pot. And technically, Artstick is still in charge. So, everyone else needs to stay the hell out of the kitchen. 

    Spravato is a new medication. Any medication has risks. I know my team has factored in the disaster that was March and adjusted accordingly. What happened was in truth, an acute reaction to Spravato that had no identifiable connection to hemp products. 

Truly Great People

Robin Williams

Denzel Washington

Nelson Mandela

Mother Teresa

(this one is controversial) Barack Obama

FDR

Nathaniel Greene

(Easy one) George Washington

My Great Aunt

Too Grounded

     I feel like I'm becoming too grounded in that I'm realizing how dysfunctional life can be. I believe very strongly that I've been miseducated and mislead on what legalized drugs can do for and to the mind. It's not that I want to whip up hysteria or spread hatred, but I don't believe I've told the truth. I don't want to engage with back and forth's or frenzies of exaggeration. I feel like I need a simpler life. I want to bring positivity to the world. I'm not sure why people find me so intimidating. I don't actually want to hurt people. 

    I guess because I kept it locked up inside. At times, I pushed for the wrong things. I'm a rather determined person. It may seem like I give up but I never do. I may slightly adjust but I don't give up. I feel like I need to learn to adjust more. Some people can be rather private. Auditorily, I usually am rather private. It's hard to insert the right words at just the right time in a fluid conversation. I don't feel a whole lot of passion for life in general. I feel too disillusioned. I'm tired of people trying so hard to influence me. 

    That's why I'm focused on trying to communicate who I am in writing. So that people in the community can get to know me for who I really am. If they want to. I don't want to be in people's lives if they don't want me there. I've learned that lesson. I just hope there are people that want to know who I really am. I know some people will never read, they will just talk and form narratives. Oh he's the Bipolar, he's the drug addict, he's this, he's that... I don't have the energy for that. I feel like I keep saying this, but I'm getting too old for so many things. 

    I should have gotten married 10, 20 years ago. Whatever happened to that? What happened to sticking to one career? Why did it always have to be about what my family wanted? There's so many things I could have been. I'm tired of everyone trying to tell me what I need and not having a damn clue. I feel like I need to turn my ears off. 

    I need to be patient. I need to try to work with people. I need some calm.

 I feel like im letting these people destroy my life by playing into thier mind games. That's what makes me Angry. 

 There was a helpful poem that mip gave in one of the groups. It was about not repeating past mistakes. Going down a different road. Thats what I need to do. Step back from certain relationships and stressors, not look to hospitals for fixits, find peace on the outside. 

Ironic

 

What's really ironic is to have so many people seeming so desperate for me to talk and yet so pissed off when I actually do. I definitely need to be much much more careful.

Weird

    It's really weird when one person has so many strong opinions and misconceptions built around themself. So, I'm just saving my breath and energy and telling everyone at once: I don't want to hurt anyone, and I'm too tired to argue with you. I need to focus on writing and working. Best wishes to all. 

    I'm going back to forgetting that the March clusterfuck ever happened. I'm pretending that MIP and I ended on good terms and that we're on the same side. Because that's what I need to do. Not like anyone from MIP reads this anyways. 

    I mean seriously. This is like The British (me) trying to convince the Italians (family) and the Americans (hospitals) that we all believe the same things and have a fully functional NATO alliance that agrees on everything. Just the fact that I need such a ridiculous metaphor to try to appease everyone says something by itself. I'm one person. I cannot possibly be worth arguing that much over. Find someone else to argue over. I can't spend the rest of my life apologizing for Elle and trying to clear my name regarding Prichards. We're all human, we all have faults, we all make mistakes.

I always had the anger, the thoughts, the issues, you just didn't know.

Reminders

 #5 stop engaging with people who never agree with you

#2 stop going to psych hospitals

#3 stop getting legalistic

#4 stop trying to help people who don't want to be helped

#1 they don't want to play

#6 learn some new recipes

#7 go back to the gym

#8 don't repeat patterns