They're not even here. They're all gone. Retired, mostly. Dont spread your trauma. Oy.

Counting

100

93

86

79

72

65

58

51

44

37

30

23

16

9

2

Freaking hospitals. Why do I keep going to the same one? Why? Makes no sense.

 I have to stop thinking about hospitals. I swear they are so far in my head and they're screwing it up. I don't understand what they are thinking. It's like they are trying to destroy me. I try to get them out and they are right back in. Dont spread your trauma. Yeah right. 

Exercise Day

    Today I'm going to focus on some exercise and some distraction. I've got some followup on the business happening later this week. Cardio, some yoga and stretching, call the Y and set up a trainer appointment. I've got some organizing to do.

 

    Today is a new day. I'm going to put the past behind me and try to have a good day. Other than the physical with the sinuses, there's no reason not to. There's no reason not to. Even my blood sugar dropped into normal range. My health is literally improving. The lifestyle changes are taking effect. They put me back on Ritalin, so hopefully I can focus on this business and my writing. With less medicalization. I'm exhausted of my own complaints.

What they want to Believe

    People are going to believe what they want to believe. I can understand the concern about the nurse. What I don't understand is smearing my counselor in order to protect that psychiatrist. That's hard to understand because his actions involved great danger. And he recommended the THC, not her. He did. And he knew I was taking it the whole time. So, I'd better not hear the rumors again. Or I'm going to have to go around telling everyone on this earth exactly what happened, the very truth to the last letter. It's already taken enough of my energy without this bullshit. 

    And I did not prescribe Spravato, either. I did not write the prescription. And now the doctors know better. I have no doubt in my mind that they will be extremely careful with prescriptions in the future. 

You knoooooow...

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

     The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you Weren't

While you weren't listening
I started closing doors

I ran around the back

Then opened up some more

While you weren't listening

I changed a few ideas

I put away my fairy tales

I tried to face my fears.

You wanted me to change

You found and shaped a mold

You called upon your champions

To bring me back in fold.

You wanted to know everything

Perhaps I didn't learn

I chased the wrong directions

And failed to grow and earn. 

While you weren't watching

I found a different way

I found new things to do

I found new things to say.

While you weren't watching

I changed the way I am

I changed my view of the world

I learned to not pretend.

Loving vs Caring

    I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do. 

    The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used. 

    When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person. 

    Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the answer, or that Father ALWAYS knows best, or Doctor ALWAYS knows best, or that a certain public figure is infallible or unquestionable. 

    I find that absolutes are a quick pathway to hell on earth. I don't know who reads this. I don't know all of the people that have been acting behind the scenes in my life. I do know for a fact that there are people who have done me harm, from small harms to much bigger ones. I do know that I was miseducated on multiple issues by people I trusted. I do know I have been threatened and manipulated. I do know that it is exhausting when people are inappropriate. 

    But I like what Leaves said about Ephesians 5:13 "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."

    So, it is my hope that by bringing some things into the light here, they become light. I hope that by bringing out ways in which I have failed and way in which others have failed me, I can somehow find a way to stop the darkness. Doctors are not in fact, Gods. Their word is not absolute. And happiness does not actually come from pills. It comes from appropriate actions. 

    I have made mistakes. I have mislearned some. When I say that I am tired, I do literally mean I am tired. But I can't keep bringing the past into the present. I am not in need of excitement. I'm tired of the same old lies and the same old exaggerations and the same old fights. I'm trying to not become allergic to people, because I'm finding that spending time with people who make you feel bad or whom you make feel bad is less like love and more like addiction. Then it is neither love nor caring. 

Balance

 

    I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

Mournful Monday Greenville County

    Welcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

Patient Relationships

     Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact. 

    But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water. 

    But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometimes I have to pretend. Because sometimes bullshit isn't helpful. But all this back and forth and playing mind games around me isn't helpful. So I don't feel any guilt about calling out the patients for being absolutely, abysmally, toxic shitheads on last visit. Because they deserve it. And besides, they have no interest in reading this anyways. They have no interest in truth or accountability. They made that clear.

    But God judges us all. And like I seek forgiveness for the wrong things I have said and done, so will they in time. They will learn that somethings catch up with you. And they it doesn't impress anyone with any sense to say certain dumb lies about things you know nothing about. 

    But I do think the staff did fairly well at managing the toxicity after it got nearly to the level of a riot, though the gossip got out of hand. 

    This is why I need to stay out of psych hospitals. The nonsense that gets started isn't helpful. 

Assumptions

     Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes. 

    We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows what she is doing and she is literally trying to help me help these people and help myself. And that's a lot. 

    There has been dysfunctional behavior around me. And at the end of the day we can't blame "Bipolar" or "I didn't know" for everything. But there are many medications that can be dangerous beyond THC. Mirapex and prazosin are just a couple of examples. And plenty of people take drugs. Many work for the hospital system. 

Catch

    Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot. 

    I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently. 

    Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thinking about suicide, resentment, fear, regret, guilt. I regret not speaking the truth to my families. I regret contacting the nurse. I regret letting the bullshit about my counselors continue. I regret letting them treat me like a robot. I regret idealing Prichards, I very much regret ever having known Assmussen. I hope he rots in hell. Well, maybe just some extended purgatory. 

    But I learned a lot from the shrinks. I like picking their brains. I like having two teams, each with psychiatrists involved. It helps me understand people. I'm learning how to navigate. I'm trying to keep the best lessons about trust and emotion. So that someday I can have my own family. 

    I just don't give away trust for free. Especially not to dipshit knowitalls in psych wards. I'm sure they had fun, picking on people that were better than them. But it just goes to show how limited their minds are. How stupid they really are. They need to expand their craniums. Fornication is not ok. 

    My walls are reshaping a bit. I'm learning what to let in, what to keep out. Because Molly is patient. She's always been in it for the long haul. Even if others slow her down. She's stubborn. Just like me. 

Isolation

    I feel like isolation helps sometimes. But I feel like I have to find ways to connect more. With the right people. As I learn about how to say and do the right things and support myself.

Great Song

 

Dark spaces

    The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces. 

    Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

Push

 

    Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another. 

    This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate. 

Looking Forward

     So, today I mostly thought about what I needed to do and did some straightening and self-care. Tomorrow, I need to do my medical appointments, some more straightening, and maybe some writing. I tried to write today but I couldn't focus. Between VNS side effects (trouble swallowing), sinus, stomach, and tired (almost no sleep), it wasn't going well. It used to be easier. Then maybe some content creation or working on my accounting. I practiced guitar some. I really need to get my ADHD meds back in order. I don't know if the internist will be able to cover everything tomorrow. It's only a 20-minute appointment. We'll see.

    I feel like I don't have the desire nor the energy to explain to people about trauma and my communication issues. Just like Leaves and Elle cannot be around me, I cannot be around people who are not able or willing to understand me. I just hope I can thread the needle. I hope I can provide for myself and stay out of people's way until I can find the one who I belong with. I cannot try to force a round peg through a square hole anymore. 

spidey

Dear Spidey,

Patients come and patients go,

but arachnids are special, we all know

we appreciate you even though

our appreciation may knot always show

you have a way with words, it's true

we never knew the core of you

you came here as a larva and grew

And the world shall see your heart anew!

don't give up your legged ways

for there shall come some brighter days!

- Elle

 

    I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

Another thing she said...

 

    Another thing she said was to get out of my head. Now, to me, another way of saying that is less cognitive, less whiteboard like. I'm going to try to practice guitar and paint today. The cat's doing well. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the house. I need to get my mind out of the medical. It just makes the stress worse focusing on the symptoms.

    I know I can't sit around living other people's lives metaphorically. I'm tired of that. I need my own life. 

Trying to be creative

 

    I won't say I'm crazy about cooking, but it's better than sitting around feeling helpless or spending a lot of money eating or eating poor quality food. I'm so tired of these hospitals and I'm trying to apply what I've learned. I added some beans and I'm boiling some brown rice. It's not half bad. I'll put some teriyaki in the rice.