Adsense refuses to place ads. Says my content isn't deep enough. I think thats bullshit. This is my life! Not deep? I don't get it. It's getting views. They should just take that for what it is. I'll make my own ads. See above. 

    Sometimes, hard times are necessary. It helps to give people perspective on what is truly important. It helps to drive people forward. Like when leaves had to go away. It helped me to make change. It helped me to start seeing some of the things that were not right in my life. Sometimes, being alone is necessary, too. Helps people to focus. for me, I feel like I tried to be there for the kids. They kept me going sometimes. Them, and people like Elle. I don't worry so much about Prichards. Or McClean. I worry what's going to happen down here. Where I am. But I feel like I need some isolation. So that I know what to focus on. I need to figure out how to do this differently. My life has seemed so chaotic and lacking in structure. So driven. So much activity with little rhyme or reason. Less activity, more purpose. 

The Ifs

If I meet the right people I might be able to relax a little. If I get this job, I might breathe a little easier. If two or more people decide to join this advocacy group, I might be able to do something positive. 

Back to what I do know

What I do know is that I need to take care of my living space. I do not want someone taking care of it for me. It makes me feel guilty that i don't do it myself, and thats assuming i could afford to pay them. 

All this medicalized perfection does is drive me to fantasize about shooting myself in the head in front of north wing. The place where medicalized perfection can know no bounds. That's not the direction I want to go in. I want to breathe. Some aspects about the medical system make less then total sense. Perfection is overrated. I hope I haven't gone too far down that road already. I feel like a lemmings. I can't undo the past. But what I can do... is not go down that road.

    Anyways, they don't need to worry about me showing up to emergency rooms unless I'm dead or dying. That's enough bad experiences, no restraining order required. I need to focus. To focus on making enough money to make sure I don't need help. I can't build dreams until I have something better to offer. 

The Hopefully New Job

    I hesitate to mention the new job because I'm waiting to hear. It's another tutoring job. Different company. The old one and I differed on our teaching philosophy. They thought I was doing too much work for the students. I was like, but they're obviously learning. They come back, they ask for me, they do well on tests... nope. They didn't like it. 

 Dear Elle,

    Maybe the time to get better at this was high school. Maybe I'm just good at overthinking. I have to find larger purpose. You know I do pray sometimes. I prayed in MIP, even as the jackals berated me. I prayed in McLean, as I walked the dark halls. Sometimes bad experiences can drive people with the same force and intensity as good ones. I'm reminded of the Count of Monte Cristo, one of my favorite stories. My focus seriously isn't as good as it used to be. 

    I trusted you, I relied on you. You never let me down. You know what I regret? I regret thinking that I had to be the name. So obsessed with how things appeared. Now I find myself rejecting that, running to the solace of the shadows, finding freedom in being unknown because known simply wasn't working out that well. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger.

Ashes

Isolating

    I've actually been isolating to reduce the risk of conflict. Because, as I said, you can always choose not to visit this website, but I hope you will. Constructive feedback is appreciated.  

Vlad

Job: you'll be contacted if you're selected.

Me:

Should I sacrifice a small animal?

 

Di internist is so berry pwoud! Lowest blood sugar on record. Woohoo!

I got some exercise in... all rumors of substance addiction aside, I do struggle with recall, communication, and boundaries. But Im getting better, I hope. Hopefully I can get and keep this contract job and start adsense, because i need the money. So freaking tired of keeping track of things.

Holding Pattern

Until I hear back from the job or adsense, we're in a holding pattern. Need income from somewhere to do anything. 

A liddle mixed up

Spidey got a liddle mixed up, got distracted. But the meds nearly balanced. Waiting to hear back from di job interview. Maybe once ebbyting seddled with accountec and friends of upstate healthcare, Spidey get in a groove and find black widow.

501(c)(4)

     I decided to launch an effort to maintain Friends of Upstate Healthcare as a 501(c)(4). Maybe this will help me to move in a positive direction with my advocacy. It's all too easy to get lost in negativity. If anyone wants to join, please email ashesndust@outlook.com. Note this is intentionally a separate entity from Accountec LLC, which is a for profit business. 

What I need...

    What i need is for people to keep reading. And I'll try to make the content more upbeat while still being real. Because I'm applying to jobs and seeking customers but I need income. Every little view counts. Every little view is one step closer to me staying out of the hospitals and in my home. As many views as possible. I'll even start a go fund me for the hospital. I'll come up with a funny name. How about the free us from ashes fund? Maybe a bad connotation... actually i kinda like it. I think I'll create a non profit to manage my healthcare advocacy efforts.

 

Blend, Jenn... Blend!!

The Hauntless

 

Vell... we give it a shot???

 

Today, I'm going to try to reach within and find solace in my spirit. I'm going to exercise more. Practice some mindfulness.

No more Mister Lice Guy!

You see, the humans don't understand us as well as we thought. But we can show them!

Zee mindless marching two by two huzzah! Huzzah!

Sleep

 4 hours sleep is about half of the recommended amount of sleep per night. 

Catastrophic & Phoenix Center

     You know, I could go to Phoenix Center. I've reached catastrophic coverage. Maybe that would get the hospital off my back. It seems like a waste of money, though. I think I just need to learn to shelter in place better. Ride out the rough times. I just don't feel good about being around people. I don't seem to know the right things to say as well as I thought I did. 

Can't sleep

Dear coffee,

    I feel like I am walking a fine line. I'm not even sure whom they were implying I was committing insurance fraud with. Or how. With my counselor, because I wasn't telling them what we were working on? With them, because I didn't feel phoenix center was right for me??? IDK. 

    I need to get better at this communication thing. If Clozaril could fix this, I would be on it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I need to stay out of hospitals. They're wigging me out. I'm like a lemming with hospitals. I just went to the ER to address the racing heart, clammy skin, faintness and weakness after Spravato, and boy what a nightmare. I don't need any more medical emergencies, that is for sure. It is a great mystery of miscommunications. I should have shut down the bullshit. I didn't. I was feeling a little too threatened to speak. I know someday I will be in a hospital again. What then? A lawsuit? Countersuits? Threats and toxic Bullshit? I have trouble understand the mind games. 

Ashes