Jess

 

JESS! THE HOSPITAL SCRUBS ARE NOT COMPLEMENTARY! AND DROP THE BABY SOAP!!

 

Sarah, do you mind? Vlad has to fly us home now.

Dancing in the Psych Ward

Vlad, this is Spidey, I've secured the psychiatrist.  What should we do with him?

Elle

Vell, my Elle, may I have this dance???

Volly

Volly, I found the fly in shower! Look at me go!!!

Arson

Arson's funny though. He goes around talking about what's for breakfast, because he knows that nothing gets an empty stomach more focused on reality then what's for breakfast.

Feeling Better, But Cautious

    My conscience feels clearer with having spoken a lot of truth about my life... the time spent in hospitals, the attachment to the nurse, the diagnosis history, the meds, the boundary issues, the arguments over healthcare, some about the hallucinations, and the communication issues and rumors. I hope to keep moving my focus to topics other than real life healthcare and more into fiction, work and education, relationships in the real world, and the future. 

    I do plan to expound more upon my limited usage of prescription ketamine, Spravato (not a great experience), prescription medications like Mirapex and amantadine, and hemp CBD/THC. I have never tried psilocybin, LSD, Cocaine, MDMA, heroin, and I have never been a drunk. Though being on gabapentin can have slightly similar effects.

I talked to the psychiatrist the other day about my ability to give historical tours of mental institutions. He said something about intense memories of my "health care journey".

What I actually do with my time

Buy food. Cook food. Eat food.

Work on promoting my business

Apply for part time jobs.

Ignore other people's BS

watch documentaries

Clean

Sleep

Play a strategy game

Exercise

Spend time with a friend

Take meds

Hygiene

Write

Read

Counseling on pursuing my goals

Try talking to people and not communicating what I'm trying to say, judging by the results. 

Live my life as if a camera is following me around and getting annoyed by it.

Being disorganized anyways and no longer caring because my living area is MY living area, not anyone else's. 

Feeling resentful and angry.

Trying to paint and express myself

Manage my bills and other adulting

Ponder what its like to be a social butterfly

Maybe the rumors have...

So very little actual substance that there's no point in paying attention to them. Maybe the world has better things to do then screw with my mind. Maybe people should judge for themselves, free from the influence of rumors.

    This is supposed to be MY story. Not the hospital's story, not my family's story, not the story of a bunch of mental patients with nothing better to do with their time then smear me, MY story. 

What now?

Can we charge him with being ugly? No, no law on that... What about... drug addiction? It'll never stick... How about failing to argue with us in an effective manner? You knoooooow...

In case it seems like I'm blaming everyone but myself...

    Yes, I contacted the nurse outside the hospital, yes, I'm broke and unemployed, no I'm not addicted to anything but letting bullshit prosper, No, I'm not interested in your drugs, yes, I'm tired of poor communication, No, I don't want to play anymore, yes, I truly am seeking work that I can maintain, no, I'm not interested in arguing with the 1 millionth person about what is wrong with me or what I need... if no one has figured it out yet, I doubt they ever will. Meanwhile, I'll be keeping to myself trying to figure out a better way.

I want...

    More from my life. I'm tired of being the one they couldn't fix. Im tired of the BS. I still have plenty of tinnitus. But my ears have improved. I'm less dependent on severe sinus. It seems like the shot and the debrox helped. 

Frustration

     I know that there are frustrated people out there. They see someone who apparently had so much help, so many hospitals and counselors and psychiatrists and other people... I know my school didn't want this. That's why I know that there are so very many people that want to see a happy ending, not just me. That's why I'm stubborn about this. I have to see this through. Hopefully, that new job will give me a few hours. I could use the money. But I have to be patient. I have to go slow so that the doctor and the counselor can be sure that I can keep up. 

    I feel like I'm getting psychological whiplash from all this mental manipulation. Getting tired of being told who I am and what I need. I want to see it in action. I want to see the results of all this work. I want to see the medication and the counseling bringing real world results. Not just demonization and rumors. 

    So I'm waiting to hear from the job. Adsense is still a no, try again. I'm told I need to make sure that I'm setting the proper boundaries and giving myself time and space. I know that taking a job that I'm not prepared for is all kinds of stupid. But hopefully, this has one of those happy endings.

Time Alone

    Where was I? Yes, so I've gotten a little annoyed with some of the things I've been hearing, so I decided to keep to myself for a bit. Just until people get tired of talking about my professionals. Find something else to talk about. It's better that way. I'm not sure why I'm so interesting. Really, you should be talking about the guy that used to work under church. He was a piece of work. I get stuck on particulars. I lose patience for nonsense. Then it becomes better that I avoid people that talk. Loose mouths. Life has been peaceful by myself. Just me and the cat. Yeah, I'd like to have someone romantically involved, but that's a story for another time. I'm just glad Elle was there to inspire me. She was such a nice lady. She gave me a good example of what a lady is like. 

Rumor Mills

    It usually starts with technicians or low level workers with loose mouths. Then it spreads to patients and other staff. Before you know it you have a whole hospital repeating bullshit. And that screws up the Healthcare system. Thats why we have hippa. To prevent bullshit from getting started in healthcare.

I'm too sexy for my shrink

Too sexy for my shrink

shrink's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York, and Japan
I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my car
Too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat
What do you think about that?

'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk
Yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk

Too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy
Poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my shrink
Too sexy for my shrink
shrink's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

    I guess I feel like i have to state that I'm not dating my counselors because it's not helpful to imply otherwise. They help me keep my head straight in a complex world filled with people with their own agendas. I do not date them. My communication and mental functioning are not the best, as proven by test after test. Tests done in controlled environments, tests that cannot be faked. Thats why I hope members of the mental health community read this. So that they stand witness to the truth: I'm working on some problems, it's not about my counselors, past or present. It's not about Elle. It's about my mind and how it works or doesn't work.

Spidey

    Spidey duden't get to decide what the udder spiders understand. He weaves his web and he hopes, keeping in mind that circumstances change. He gets frustrated at times. Goes for a crawl in di forest. See the other spiders and animals and he thinks, this is my chance to get my message out. This is when I am heard. Then nothing changes. Spidey keeps crawling and waits for the path to become clearer.

The difference between a fool and an intelligent person is....

    The fool acts with limited information. 

 

Anyways I feel like its better to keep distance until the smoke clears.

Vns implant

 

See the blue is where the implant is and the purple arrow points to the incision.

Making new friends

    Spidey making new friends via social media. Helps me feel connected. Until I find something to say that doesnt seem to ruffle feathers, I just make new friends quietly.