In the hospital they got into this thing. Ashes has trauma? He's faking. PTSD? Insurance fraud. Drug addict. As if they know me. These mental patients. 

 

Ashes got carried away again? What do we tell the fire marshal?

Dear Leaves,

Molly taking good care of Spidey. Ebbyday. Tell Gryps Spidey says hi. Ebbyting berry gnice. Di internist got di blood all bedder. Groovy. Spidey's women take good care. 

Spidey

The primary disagreement i have with some of the doctors is over how clozaril has affected my life. I feel like it was detrimental, that it buried emotions by suppressing them and those emotions lay latent beneath the surface, bubbling up from time to time.

The side effects such as weight gain and sedation were just the icing on the cake for me. I only hope I am able to find a balance in my life post clozaril. I refuse to believe that I am an addict just because such a label is convenient for others and I was miseducated on what medications can do. I know the limits of these medications more clearly now. 

The Messenger

    Rain was threatening. Footsteps fell on hard stone. Lightning flickered in the sky above as he contemplated the task before him. Eyes of a woman across the way came towards, then away. Retreat marked her movements. Wise was she. 

    His fingers moved independently as he eyed the walkway, stepping forward. Determination echoed with his footfalls. He would not be deterred. His mind played with the shadows. A bird came fluttering down, hopped a few paces forward, then away as well. He worried his mood bled to his demeanor. 

    Today he was the messenger. Tomorrow, he would be silent. The words must be well picked, well played, he reminded himself. He suppressed a smile, tugged the tag at his breast and lingered the workman's belt. He must not linger. Attracting attention would not benefit him. He stepped forward, pretending to know a different path. 

    Eyes meeting another passerby, a curt nod given. Nervous eyes met him. He was not doing well. He needed to separate from his anger. Draw out his amiable side. Or there would not be time. The message was clear, the recipient closer by the footstep. But would they hear? Would they heed? Or would they turn away? When the response came, how would he greet it? 

    Voices across the way. He fell into a crouch, ready to tie the laces he left loose on purpose. Every cue, every action, every reaction must be carefully chosen. Too much time and grief had gone into planning to see this message left unsent. Light was fading faster. Passerby were becoming shadows. He took a breath. He could not afford hesitation. 

    His watch beeped the hour, and the doors opened, letting out the end of days. It was time.

Tigre

Lithe and orange and furry beyond measure

kitnip and scratching posts among his pleasures

with stripes and whiskers to mark his feline form

playful and pestering is simply the norm.

agile and swift but vigilant too

loyal and willing to always stay true

cunning and graceful but patient as time

always remembering that he is only mine.

Blank

She called my heart the other day

And I knew not the words to say.

I tried honesty 

I told her about the yearning inside

All of the things that I'd tried to hide

The games that I played to enter her soul

So many games with only one goal.

Then I tried humor

I laughed about my helpless delight

At the moment she came into my sight

The way that she lit up that light in my eyes

The way that I hated each and every goodbye

Then I tried pleasing

I spoke of her beauty beyond all the others

The joy that her presence always uncovers

The smiles that I held in my heart just for her

The lies that I told as I held her in wonder

Then I tried pleading

Reminding that hearts cannot hold out forever

That sometimes they are meant to be together

That fading comes fast in the breath of denial

That falling becomes its own bitter trial.

In the end there was nothing but nothing to say

And after some time the time washed away.

The Good Eggs

    I really am glad I met some of the people I met at Lost and Rigged, MIP, and even Springbrook, though I wasn't there as long. I feel like I did learn. I'm still learning. Maybe I need to experience more of life outside the hospitals. But trust isn't easy. There is danger in the world. I need to stop being so hypervigilant. I need to open myself to experience and strengthen that mind-body connection. I find it so bizarre how sometimes I give away trust so easily and other times it's like pulling teeth. I need to be careful with expectations. I need to understand more about who is right for me, who to let in, when, and how far. 

 

Perhaps we should lock the gates.

 

VLAD! SPIDEY JUST CLEANED DIS FLOOR!

That's it Vlad! Keep flapping! The Hospital is just obber di next hill!

Terrific Tuesday Everyone

    As we all know, Congress passed the new legislation. There's plenty of places to read about that, so I won't spend time on it.

    Life can be really mind bending in both its repetitiveness and the change that can come so unexpectedly. Today, I'm focusing on maintaining some routine. I've got some writing to work on and some errands to run while I wait to hopefully hear back on that job. Hopes and prayers on that one. A warm shout out to all the 9-5ers. I hope everyone is having a fantastic week. I'll try to get out another poem today and work on some prose.

They did the mash! They did the monster mash! They did the mash! It was a psych ward smash!

 

There she goes again, dreaming of stealing inpatient supplies

 

$20 on the patient! $60 on dr. Psych! Nono! $80 says she pins him!

What does it mean to be stubborn?

    Stubborn generally has a negative connotation. It means to persist despite evidence suggesting that one should stop. But another way to interpret being stubborn is to be perseverant, determined, or strong willed. It was stubborn to continue therapy against the wishes of the hospital. It was stubborn to not go to the phoenix center. It was stubborn to come out of two comas. I did it anyways. I'm damn stubborn. Because in the end it was the right thing to do for me. And that is why I am stubborn. I insist on doing what is right for me, just as jessica said I needed to do. And I don't regret it. Filing the complaint against CCBH was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. They can curse my name and hate me, but God knows on this I am right. Sometimes I am wrong. I was wrong to contact the nurse, I was wrong to keep taking Spravato. Those things I regret. But I do not regret being right. I never will apologize for doing what is right.

Why did I believe that Phoenix Center wasn't right for me?

1. Because the hospital itself wasn't understanding what was going on with me (Spravato, not THC)
2. Because my professionals did not agree
3. Because I have communication issues that would have made it difficult
4. Because I've been to far too many centers
5. Because there was a general lack of listening
6. The environment had become toxic, with too many rumors and resentments and not enough facts

Autism Spectrum Level 1

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Asperger_syndrome#:~:text=Asperger%20syndrome%20(AS)%20was%20formerly,diagnosis%20under%20autism%20spectrum%20disorder.

Ableism

Ableism is discrimination and prejudice against individuals with disabilities, based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. It manifests in various forms, including personal biases, systemic barriers, and harmful language. Ableism is rooted in the idea that people with disabilities are inherently less capable or valuable than non-disabled people. 

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

What is Ableism?

Discrimination and Prejudice:

Ableism is the belief that non-disabled people are superior to those with disabilities. It leads to prejudice and discriminatory practices against individuals with disabilities. 

Systemic and Personal:

Ableism can be systemic, embedded in laws, policies, and societal structures, or it can be personal, involving individual attitudes and behaviors. 

Forms of Ableism:

Personal Ableism: This includes individual acts of discrimination, like name-calling, or refusing accommodations. 

Systemic Ableism: This involves discriminatory practices embedded in institutions, such as inaccessible buildings or lack of access to education or healthcare. 

Benevolent Ableism: This involves well-intentioned actions that can still be harmful, like infantilizing or patronizing people with disabilities. 

Hostile Ableism: This involves overt hostility towards people with disabilities or their characteristics. 

Internalized Ableism: This occurs when individuals with disabilities internalize negative views about disability and discriminate against themselves or others. 

Language:

Ableist language is a common way that ableism is expressed, using words and phrases that demean or stereotype people with disabilities. 

Examples of Ableist Practices:

Lack of Accessibility: Buildings without ramps, elevators, or accessible restrooms. 

Inaccessible Websites: Websites that are not designed to be used by people with disabilities. 

Stereotypes and Assumptions: Believing that all people with disabilities are the same or that they are incapable of certain tasks. 

Exclusion from Decision-Making: Not including people with disabilities in conversations or decisions that affect them. 

Microaggressions: Subtle, often unintentional, expressions of prejudice. 

Consequences of Ableism:

Social Isolation:

People with disabilities may experience social isolation and exclusion. 

Reduced Opportunities:

Ableism can limit access to education, employment, and other opportunities. 

Negative Self-Esteem:

Internalized ableism can lead to low self-esteem and a negative self-image. 

Mental Health Issues:

Ableism can contribute to mental health problems for people with disabilities. 

Fighting Ableism:

Educate Yourself: Learn about ableism and its impact. 

Challenge Ableist Language: Avoid using ableist language and actively call it out. 

Promote Accessibility: Advocate for accessible environments and services. 

Listen to and Amplify Disabled Voices: Center the experiences and perspectives of people with disabilities. 

Be an Ally: Support and advocate for disability rights and inclusion. 

Dear Elle,

I've lost my zing. Vhere did it go? I need it back. You didn't hide it, did you? Vhy do you haunt me so? You did not get worried, I hope? Volly's got sharp eyes, zat one. She keeps one on me, you know. Rest well. I think you earned it. 

Fondly,

Vladimir

    I've been a little stuck on the things that didn't work out. I'm trying to focus on the things that do work as well as the new things I can do that I didn't do before. Hopefully, that's enough. Sometimes the alternative to "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" is "if life gives you unhappy endings, write new ones"

 

I wonder how's it gonna be when I'm all healed. This has been disorienting. I thought i knew myself better. I did not. Different sides of me have come out. It's been startling and at times very depressing. There was a lot of facade to my life.

 

🫂🫂

Dear Angry Mental Patient

 

Dear Angry Mental Patient,

    I'm glad you and the others are getting along better. How's the old body doing? The head have enough space for the 8 of you? When you sneeze, does someone come out? Are the sinuses ventilating well, or is it getting hot in there? If Jess takes her clothes off, is it sexy or is she truly invisible? So many questions! I have such a curious mind. I sent in the pills you ordered, just eat them slowly. 

    On brighter news, I talked to Elle and she got your messages. She talked to the others like you asked. There was a bit of resentment, but they understand. I hope you don't take it too hard. Spravato is new, the looking up thing happened a long time ago. She'll be ok. The staff can't wait to see you again. They'll even throw in a pair of free scrubs and an honorary name tag (That doesn't unlock the doors. Nice try.) Oh, and Peytlin got the soccer balls. I'll say hi to Arson for you.

Coffee