Sometimes I get these anxiety attacks... I used to get them in high school. Feeling like I need to run. Ive had them less until rather recently, about 2 years ago, they started coming back.

 I still feel nervous leaving the house. I worry about the future everyday. I always was a one on one type, but these days it's even harder to handle groups. I am really glad to be doing deliveries. I want to focus on that. Gives me peace to drive. I thought I might get nervous about accidents. But its been a while since that one accident. I'm paying close attention, too. 

It makes me very nervous how much people get into my business sometimes. I feel the need for a great deal of space and breathing room. It stresses me out so many people asking so many questions and getting into my space. That's part of why social events are difficult. That plus the formalities, the appearances, the small talk...

    I'm continuing my study of the Civil War by reading a book on secession. Then later I have more deliveries. Soon I'll have to pay a visit to the South Carolina room at the library, the upstate history museum, and the confederate museum to aid in developing my book outline. I'm definitely going to focus some of the book on Bull Run, Chambersville, Columbia, and the Shenandoah Valley campaign. 

I have a feeling something is going to happen. I need to be careful. If anything happens to me, I want my property distributed amongst my nieces and nephews. I want to be buried in Greenville. Not cremated. Buried. 

I'm going to take today to rest. I have work this evening. I won't be answering any communications.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sleep walking while I'm awake. Like I'm in a dream world. There's a storm coming. I dont know when, but its coming. I have to be ready.

    What worries me the most is that I have struggled so much to communicate with people, and I don't seem to be getting more effective at it. That's why I feel certain I need to simplify my life. I need a more manageable life. I honestly am not sure how I can be such a bad communicator. Maybe I leave too much unsaid. That's part of why I want to focus on written communication. So I can see what I'm saying as I say it.

    I really need to focus on the essentials. My income, writing, and health. I can't afford to lose focus. I've had far too much chaos in my life. I need simplicity. Basics. I just don't think I have the emotional bandwidth for more complication or distraction. Maybe that really is my big take home lesson for this whole saga. I need a simple life. People so often try to me into various things but with my memory like it is I can't afford to play around.

    It's not my desire for anyone to have trouble, including myself. A simple life keeps trouble out. Maybe I'm getting less flexible as I age. With any luck I can manage to be consistent with keeping simple.

    I hope tomorrow's shift goes well. I don't know why I get nervous. I need to focus really hard on simple. Basic. No distractions. 

I keep getting this nagging feeling that something bad might happen. I want to be extremely cautious. I cant afford any setbacks. I dont think Ive been being vigilant enough. I'm going to simplify my life more. I want to focus on only the absolute essentials: work, writing, health.

I need to focus on improving my finances. I've scheduled more delivery shifts.

    I worry tremendously about being around people. I know I misinterpret people frequently, including people I know well. That's part of why I need to focus on what I'm good at... writing and working alone. Conflict seems inevitable. I need to stay away from potential conflict. I get so spacey.

I've been discouraged by social anxiety and agoraphobia. It doesn't prevent me from working because I'm mostly in my car. I feel a profound uneasiness around people. 

    I started doing deliveries yesterday after obtaining glasses. Accountec is fully operational. I just don't think it will be able to do the accounting work given my social skills. Plus there's liability concerns. I desire a quieter life. 

    Meanwhile, I continue to fill in plot elements for my Bloody Fourth story. I need to refresh myself on civil war culture a bit more, as well as a few key battles. As I write some of the prose, I'm becoming aware that I'll need to study the dialect of the time. I found it interesting that Lee was said to be a poor communicator. One source said he did not speak English, he spoke "Southern Gentleman". It was a slightly rambling speech with a lot of pauses and implied content. His subordinates were forced to fill in necessary details. There's so much detail of plot and character that I will have to generate almost from thin air, because the sources I have discovered thus far are pretty thin on the specific people and events I am desiring to write about. 

    Thus far, I can only divine that company B of the 4th Volunteers was posted NW of Old Stone Bridge at Bull Run. If I'm understanding correctly, that particular company was mostly held in reserve, but I have not finished my research and I may yet discover otherwise. They were posted to the West of Stone Bridge and then assigned to a temporary battalion under Major Whitner. I have to research Major Whitner and the temporary battalion more.

Patience

    Patience is not always my strong suit. I need to engage my patience more. I always knew I wasn't the greatest communicator, but I have been working on communication. Part of that is to eliminate unnecessary or ineffective communication. Sometimes with speaking, less is more. I'm trying to be more strategic with questions, by asking more questions and more open ended questions to stimulate conversation when appropriate or withhold questions when the time is not right. I've also experimented with direct vs indirect communication and written vs oral. I'm trying to choose words and gestures carefully. 

    I want to spend more time being productive and genuine and less time managing miscommunications, expectations, and distractions. I lose patience with formalities, games, and narratives. I'm getting to an age where I feel like I can't afford to waste time. I want to be productive. I need to focus on my strengths, which is why I have chosen to focus on a delivery business (which minimizes communication) and my writing. In time perhaps I can expand my goals and activities. I've had enough setbacks that I do not want to take unnecessary risk. 

    On the positive side, I feel that the medical is going better. I'm eager to keep that stable, and I've put a lot of time into communicating with the doctors. Hopefully, I will be able to engage a little more with the world without disturbing this equilibrium. 

    I don't know exactly where my life is going or with whom. But I feel like I have to make careful choices, and not engage unless I am certain of the direction I am going. It's a rigid way to run one's life, but I've taken so many detours. I feel that it is essential to form some new social connections, carefully, and to be productive with my time, avoiding idleness and distraction. I need to have something to offer the world, and I need real connection, not confusion. The isolation has not been ideal, but it has been effective in clearing my mind. Now I need to test my flexibility, my adaptability. I am uneasy about doing so, but it is unavoidable. If I cannot adapt, I will not survive in the long run. Less vigilance and more flexibility is needed. 

    I just cannot see how I can ever be content unless I finish my writing and improve my financial situation. I need to know that I am moving in that direction. It doesn't even matter whether anyone likes what I write or whether it is profitable, so long as I am satisfied with it that will be enough. As long as it is complete, makes sense, and has the proper form and structure that will be enough.

    Social engagements put me on edge. I need to rediscover my adventurous and playful side. 

    Now I must focus intently upon my goals and follow my passions. I do not want to be distracted from my goals. There is only so much time on this earth. I want something to leave behind.

    Time and space allows for a sense of hope and serenity. A healthy diet, some quiet, and keeping some distance all continue to bear fruit. I'm a little nervous about the holidays coming up and my plan to start driving more. But life has been almost peaceful, almost harmonious at times. God willing, I can maintain this stability and peace for the rest of the year. I think that's a good goal: no surprises, no new projects, maintaining routine. I plan to keep focus on my essentials, keep space and privacy, and enhance my peace. A predictable life does not have to be boring; it can be a tremendous relief.

Civil War Era Medicine and Society

    I'm shifting my focus to studying other elements of society such as medical treatment and commerce. Greenville eventually attained the nickname of textile capital of the world, but it wasn't until after the war that the textile industry really took off. The practice of medicine was still fairly primitive, with a greater understanding of bodily functions then an actual ability to heal the illnesses observed. Leeching and bloodletting was still an accepted practice, though it had slowly died out by the end of the century. I'm beginning to look more closely at institutions, including the colleges.

It's very important to me that I focus on getting some work done and researching these writing projects. It helps me keep my mind off the medical and my personal problems. I'm dreading the holidays. Social nightmare. Isolation has really helped calm my spirit. That thing with the house flooding makes me nervous about being away. I need to be very careful. I don't handle stress the same anymore. No one lives forever. I need to focus my energy on completing some life goals. Before its too late. I cant waste more time. Ive wasted enough. Life's too short for going through motions. I still have to play along, but really I'm going to need to simply say it how it is sometimes. Never was a social butterfly. Can't expect that to change now.

Memories and emotions can be intense. That's why I like to keep some space between me and other people. I need to be careful with memories. Very careful. A mind can play tricks on you, like a bad dream. 

    I had a lot of memories come up today. It's better that I don't discuss certain memories. Some things... it's better for everyone that certain things are not discussed. Sometimes the past can stir up resentments, fear, or sorrow. There are some days that sleep is my only real escape. Sometimes, there is no solution. 

Research - Honor

    Honor was very important in the old South. I want this story to give a realistic picture of South Carolina in the 1860s. That's why I'm spending this time on research. It's not about proving anything. People I know have already made up their minds about me. I've tried many times in my life to impress people. I've had some spectacular failures. I'm not trying to prove anything about me. That's a fool's errand. There's people I know that think they have me all figured out. The hospital, for starters. Sometimes I still try to prove the hospital wrong, but a lot of people I gave up. I can't hold onto the past. I can't relitigate and play out the same old narratives, the same old arguments, the same old appearances. I could do that from now until the end of time, it would make no difference but make me miserable. I try to keep my distance. I don't have the energy for that kind of thing. 

    It took me a while to realize that I can't change people's minds. They have to want to change their beliefs, and most people don't want to do that. It's that famous saying about arguing... no one changes their mind in the end. I don't want to litigate my life story. I'll lose every time. It's not going to help anyone to relitigate my story. There is something I can do, however. I can try to do justice to a story about Greenville. I don't think it will be so hard to do that, because it's not about me, thank God. I may have been born here, but my family isn't from here. So, hopefully I can be impartial, because I really want to give a true sense of what Greenville was like back then. 

    There were a lot of sons that went to war, and I'm writing this story about sons. Young men have something to prove, if not to their fathers, then to society. There were a lot of young men that went off to war back then. Hopefully I can illustrate what it was like to live through that. 

    For example, there was a family that was very important to Greenville that I have mentioned, the Earle family. There were many Earle's fighting not just for the South, there were some fighting for the North, though I don't know if the Northern ones were related in any way. The Southern ones included some brothers and cousins. Joseph Earle became a Senator. Alexander Campbell Earle moved to Alabama to farm. George Washington Earle moved back to Anderson. Lieutenant Claudius Eugene Earle commanded Company B of the 4th Volunteers at Stone Bridge, Battle of Bull Run, and shortly thereafter jumped from the sixth floor of the Ballard House Hotel in Richmond. It's not clear why he committed suicide. He left a letter with instructions on distributing his property and referring to slanders made against him regarding a young woman. 

    Sometimes honor can drive men to do strange things. If I can learn enough and work out the plot and the dialog, then perhaps I can illustrate what honor led the men of Greenville to do. Or perhaps not. But I intend to try. That is what I hope to accomplish. With everyone so concerned about what I do and so confused as to the reasons, I've lost the desire to explain myself. It's exhausting. But I think I can explain Greenville. Anyways, I'm confident that explaining Greenville will be a lot easier then playing the appearances game. 

    Meanwhile, I have to finish getting all the paperwork in order for Accountec to start doing deliveries. 

Civil War Era Greenville

    I've been fascinated by this research into Civil War Greenville and it's inspiring me to consider writing multiple historical fictions. I find history so interesting. 

    From what I've discovered so far there were no major bridges across the Reedy in 1861, as the main street bridge wasn't built until the 1870s. The railroad connection to Columbia had only recently been finished. Greenville County tends to name most roads based on where they lead, though it turns out Parkins mill road wasn't the original Parkins Mill road. Originally, the road leading from Augusta Road was not called Mauldin Road. Before Mauldin existed, before even Butler Crossing existed, Mauldin road was Parkins Mill road. It led from Augusta road (The main trading road) to Parkins' old Mill, currently the site of the sewage treatment plant, which was built after the city of Conestee (Just down the Reedy River past Lake Conestee) sued Greenville for dumping raw sewage and industrial waste into the Reedy in a case that went to the state supreme court twice. 

    The Reedy became the most polluted river in the state and it is still advised not to swim in the water because it is supposedly too contaminated with E. Coli bacteria from human and animal waste. Some sources also advise that you don't fish in the River. At one point the Reedy had a nickname. It was called the Rainbow Reedy, because dyes from the textile mills changed it different colors. 

    Furman University was still located in Greenville during the city war and in fact it is said that James Clement Furman was instrumental in convincing Greenville to vote for succession, as it was traditionally a unionist stronghold. The University was located off of University Ridge Road where the old County square offices await demolition in preparation for a new commercial development that I believe will feature a rooftop cinema. Before it was county offices and after Furman left it had been an indoor mall. 

    Furman was closed during the civil war, as young men were expected to serve and many did, though Greenville was relatively untouched by the civil war and became a refuge for deserters and draft dodgers, especially in the North. The Baptist Female College (Furman's women's college) remained open at the corner of Academy and College streets. 

    Many of the families that the roads are named after (Earle, Caper, Elford, Perry, Jones) were involved in this time period of Greenville history and fought in the Civil War. I'm still tracking down family histories and I need to visit the library. 

    The city is coming alive to me in new ways as I learn more and map out the development. I'll have to compile some of what I find. I've yet to find one online source of Greenville Civil War history. It wasn't particularly eventful so many sources gloss over it. There was, however, an ambulance factory (the former Carriage factory whose building still stands by the Reedy downtown) and an ammunition factory.

    I want to have something to leave behind. After the dust has settled and the talk has died, I want there to be something left... something real. I want people to be able to read and feel connected to the story. I want them to feel like they are part of it. I want to connect with people through the words the way great writers do. Hopefully I can do that. 

    I don't like leaving the house. I worry about social pressures. I worry about intentions. I used to blend in somehow. That's become harder. 

    I want people to really know me. If I use the right words, then they can. I have to find the right words. I don't want to force my words or presence on anyone. But I want people to really know me. Words are elusive. And if I don't find the words, the narratives will be built anyways, and I'll be shut out. I took for granted that I would find the words. That people would know me. But if I don't find the words, what will they say about me? Judging from experience, nothing good.

    I have to find the words. Before it's too late. I really don't know if I'll find them all. I want to be able to give the world something meaningful. Something of true value. 

    What worries me is that I may fail to bring the characters to life. Social interaction hasn't been so easy in recent years. Not that I was ever a social butterfly. Will I be able to write lifelike people if I don't grasp all the social complexities? I need to be cautious. I don't have the energy to keep running into walls.

    I've gotten a touch distracted. I need to take great care. My desire is to finish some fiction. Something that people can enjoy. I'm still building up a well of projects. I'm generating ideas. I cannot afford to let myself neglect this. 

Research on Civil War Society

     I'm continuing to research the events and culture of the civil war era, the politics and the people. It's very interesting. I'll have to make some field trips. I'm trying to define the scope of the book. It was a large war, and I don't intend for it to be comprehensive on the war itself. I'd like to cover a number of key events, however. I definitely plan to mention Bull Run, the aftermath of Gettysburg, and the burnings of Columbia and Chambersburg. 

I've moved from researching the bloody fourth to refreshing my general civil war knowledge and finally to knowledge specific to Greenville circa 1861. This morning I did a rough outline of the first few chapters and begin writing chapter one, in which the protagonist has arrived in Greenville to find and assist his father, who had traveled with the rest of the family down to sell some goods, leaving his son behind to manage the estate.