Regrets

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

 

Jess where are you hiding?

 

Sarah don't go after her!!!

    I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

Humility

     I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

Adsense

     So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about. 

    Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me understand more clearly how to change it to make it approvable.

 

There was a place i knew a time so very long ago...

Where people came to say the words that they couldn't find in the world beyond.

The flames of frustration licked upon their bitter souls

But I found some angels whereupon

I ventured to find a life beyond recriminations

And save a soul or two

I missed the boat on a few of my ventures

And yet to that dream I still hold true.

And it's for my angels that I hold true. 

It's for my angels that I hold true. 

Today

     Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present. 

The Journey

     Anyways, I've gotten a little frustrated along the way. But if you can follow sentences then you can follow the history. It all started at MIP... with diagnoses like ADHD, Aspergers, and Bipolar. Then there was McClean, then Lost'n Rigged, then back down here with Prichards, and they added dissociation under the medical cPTSD umbrella with Leaves, then Molly added DID and Bipolar became a point of disagreement, then Prichards quit and I went back to MIP and the outpatient there with Artstick and coffee, then CCBH, Springbrook, then MIP again, and it was one big beautiful chaos. Inbetween, Leaves and Molly talked. Artstick and molly talked. then MIP tried to get rid of molly. Now here I am. I'm back with Molly, Artstick, and Coffee.

    What I think we can all agree on is that there is a very real problem(s). We sometimes disagree on the exact nature of that problem(s) and its solution(s). What I have to focus on is my life outside of hospitals. Because it's not about Elle, or molly, or leaves, or any of these professionals. Nor is it about THC or Spravato, which became a problem of its own.

    What's important to me is that I like people, and I like to write, and I know accounting. I need to focus. I can't afford more distractions or BS. I can't be alone forever. I need to focus on stability with the things I love and working with the people that know how to help. Because I want to take care of someone other than just me. I truly believe that is completely possible. 

    I just can't afford distractions. That's why I'm being careful with who and what I am around. I'm far too old for this chaos. I have no interest or patience for explaining myself to people that do not have the patience or the desire to understand. Not everyone needs to understand me. Some people are more "Hi" and wave types. 

    My life belongs to me. I decide where it goes. I'm continuing to look for work and to take my meds and see my professionals and to work on writing. I do have problems. Sometimes I lose sight of my limits. Sometimes I get a little out of touch with reality. Sometimes I get stuck on events or people or circumstances. Physically I'm in good condition. I need stability and restraint, both internally and from the people around me. And that is what I hope to see.

Down for the Count

I'm taking a vacation day because I'm really not myself without the pristiq.

What I don't Expect vs What I do

    I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye. 

    What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s). 

    I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true. 

    What I do expect is that I will get my meds filled ASAP because the sudden stopping of Pristiq and the problems with anger and focus are real problems. The bullshit lies about addiction are not. They are an unproductive diversion. 

    I'm trying to forget the past and to avoid unhealthy situations.

This is how we blew it
(This is how we blew it)
(This is how we blew it)
 
This is how we blew it
It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight
The screwup was there on southwest side
So I reach for my BP and I turn it up
Designated doc take the keys to my chart
 
Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded
LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded
I feel so screwed by my crew tonight
The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward
All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING
You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged
So light up your chart and throw your hands up
And let me hear the staffers say
 
I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because
(This is how we blew it)
Southwest does it like nobody does
 
(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall
(This is how we blew it)
Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme
(This is how we blew it)

 
This is how we blew it, throw scripts up in the air
Disburse them from here to there
If you're an big time shrink or a wanna-be druggist

You see the pharms been good to me

Ever since I was a lower case P (sych)

But now I'm a big P

The docs see I got the crazy

pumped up chart, y'all

If you were from where I'm from

Then you would know

That I'm gonna get mine cuz I'm fucked in the mind

You can get yours in anotha ward

Whatever it is, the party's underway

So light up your chart and throw tha scripts up

And let me hear the staffers say

I'm kinda puzzed n it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest does it like nobody does!

(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

CCBH, MIP

(This is how we blew it)

I'm no criminal mack an you know that's a fact

(This is how we blew it)

Check it out

Once upon a time in '24

Ashes went texting a nurse off duty

And all they said was he must be stalkin

So they lit up the ward with lies and talkin

There lived a LPC who said that ain't cool with me

she came up to ashes, this is what she said

You gotta tell your story

So the bullshit don't get all the glory

 

Oh, I'm puzzing because

(This is how we do it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we do it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, it's analyze time

(This is how we blew it)

Straight up coming from the southwest side

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, some got the 'tude, yeah

(This is how we blew it)

And Ashes knows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Come on now, Ward

You know that this is how we blew it

This is how we blew it

Yo Elle, this Ashes, RN, the patient, your patient

Elle, I didn't mean to scare you

I'm trying to put this behind me

But the lies about my past are too much

I can't agree with MIP.

I want you to know that I didn't want this to happen

I was sad and afraid

You always looked out for me

But I'm gonna leave you be, peace

 Spidey gets to have emotions too. Spidey dudent knead di hospitals! Spidey take care of self. Molly help.

Perfectionism

     Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain. 

    But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sins of having the courage to call people out for their bullshit. Here I am being lied about and verbally assaulted in hospitals because I contacted a nurse or because I objected to my former psychiatrist engaging in repeated boundary violations and unethical conduct and having the courage to report such conduct to the Medical Board. But no, we're not done yet, let's rinse and repeat. Because we haven't blamed the patient enough for our ethical failures. Cuz we're so damn perfect, us doctors. We gotta circle the wagons and find excuses and lies and scapegoats. 

    NEVER MIND that we recommended and prescribed the meds. NEVER MIND the patient was following our instructions to take THC as we repeatedly encouraged. Let's blame the patient and run him around from this center to that, finding new lies and problems at every turn just to run his insurance into the ground. Never mind that it pissed off IMA so much. Never mind our own failures, let's blame the patient. Great ideas guys. Then let's get the staff and patients to help. Let's demonize and find every possible fault, real or imaginary and blow them out of all proportion in order to perfect the maximum. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud. And I'm tired of it. Just be glad I have a counselor that knows what she is doing FAR BETTER than any of you. Otherwise, this would be a situation for the attention of a court it's such a fucking mess. 

    I don't have enough metaphors for this shit, but maybe someday I will. 

Targeting and South Carolina Hospitals

    Hospitals are magnets for potential abuse. You get that many people having a hard time having it together and you have a recipe for disaster. Close quarters, lack of privacy, competing interests... all kinds of unhealthy behavior come out. 

    Take MIP, for example. I know for certain you would not believe me if I described to you the degree of targeting that occurred. Was I given a chance to apologize to the nurse for contacting her that ONE day a VERY VERY LONG TIME AGO when I wasn't feeling well and I was wanting her to protect me like she had before? Did they even ask once why I contacted her? Did they even give a shit or were they too interested in taking out their anger, from patients to nurses to techs? No. They were not. No, I was not given a chance to apologize to her or to explain why. They want to turn hospitals into toxic messes, they certainly know how. It's called Targeting. It doesn't matter why you're having a bad day. Maybe you're depressed and you came there as a patient. Maybe you're a tech who simply doesn't her job. Maybe you're a nurse who feels the right to defend one of your own from being contacted outside the hospital, even though you don't know the details or the even the people involved very well. You've found a convenient target. Never mind knowing the facts first. Never mind if it's any of your business. You have a right, regardless, yes? Nevermind a chance for me to directly speak to elle and tell her how sorry I am that I contacted her because I was having a hard time and she had always looked out for me. And I asked too much. And I regret that. But does that offense need to be regurgitated every time someone gets pissed off and needs a target to hit?

    Then there was CCBH, which was far, far worse. I never seen such a mismanaged institution, and i've been to a lot of hospitals. I hated McClean, but the little that they did there was done like clockwork, with a strange professional detachment that strongly resembled neglect due to the lack of any meaningful therapy outside of the powerful medications they applied before dumping you in some halfway house that was in no way equipped to handle such a responsibility. The utter lack of any meaningful professionalism and foresight, the stupidity and pointlessness of the ABC therapies... the hospital was a disgusting joke of an organization. The doctor was SO VERY utterly clueless and put in ZERO effort whatsoever. ZERO. The man was a moron with an MD. IQ of -60 and the effort to match. I swear I talked and all he hear was LALALA TIME TO FORCE MEDICATE... LALALA I'M STUPID AND NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF SUCH... It's no wonder I stopped talking and simply ate the food the staff spit in and watched me ate and laid on the crappy mattress because NO ONE was ever LISTENING FOR EVEN ONE SECOND. Malpractice 101. Don't even try. Play games. Idiots with licenses running around. And now they're out $50k and in the bread line and that's somehow my fault. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

    Springbrook actually gave me the best experience. I swear the first time it was so family like. The second time there were some miscommunications, some boundary issues. The social worker that was full of herself and made that epically clear. The MD who was lying about my family and had some issues with speaking bluntly and extremely inappropriately in public areas. But I can excuse these things because it was obvious they were doing things much, much differently from CCBH. I can excuse MIP's failures on the last hospitalization because yes, I contacted the nurse, and we had a lot of history. 

    But I will never ever apologize for holding CCBH accountable for their bullshit. You can bury ashes but people will still know that something happened there, something very bad. And scapegoating me or bringing out the nurse contact to try to confuse the issue doesn't make it go away. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I wasn't cruel to her the way CCBH was repeatedly and consistently abusive towards me over one a month period. My contact with the nurse occurred fully within 24 hours and then stopped. CCBH never gave up, not for 30 days of malpractice. And why they failed. That is why some of them went into the bread line. Because they earned it. 100%. And I was not the only patient that complained. MULTIPLE mental health professionals have told me the stories that came out of that place. It's not a state secret that they were doing things they shouldn't have. They earned that bread line. 100%. 

    And keep in mind that I spent three and half years of my own helping people on Crisisline, JV, and Safeharbor FOR ALL OF $0.00. ZERO. Completely voluntarily and it was my idea. There's your fucking psychopath of a cold-hearted criminal mind. Yes, he's so dedicated to drugs and hurting people that he helps them for free, day after day. What a fucking psychopath he is. 

    Great job South Carolina. Your mindfucking is astonishingly effective. Brilliant ideas people. Keep it flowing. We'll all be fucked by Christmas. 

    What I would do is go back to Crisisline and help people the way they should be helped. That's what I would love to do, but they tell me I'm needing a break from the mental health system. 

    LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT HOW TO HELP PEOPLE, SOUTH CAROLINA. 

 I know leaves would be proud. Because im doing the processing she tried to help me with. She would be proud. 

Weird Ideas Part IV

So yeah... It's not like I picked her because I wanted to hurt her. I picked her because she was young and just a tech and seemed a little naive. I picked her because she was half my weight. I picked her because she seemed to trust me. But in the end, as angry as I was and as much as I wanted to leave, I didn't want to hurt her. Because I like people. She was sweet. Kind. I liked her too much to hurt her. 

Elle was different. Much more aware. Knew me much better. She knew exactly what she was doing in the storage closet.

Weird Ideas part III - Contingency plans

 

    You always have to have contingency plans. This is certainly not meant to be a primer on how to hurt mental health workers, but I get angry sometimes. And I had contingency plans. So they should just be glad. Because part of me would have attacked that woman. Part of me would have dragged her into that room and knocked her out and beaten her if neccessary.  To get that card and get the hell out of dodge. I'm so tired of these places. You don't get much help in these places. I was THERE for treating a bad Spravato reaction. Not bullshit and lies. You prescribed it. Deal with it.

Spidey werkin' on Anger
So he dudent be a danger

Gonna help di doctors learn

So Spidey gets a chance to earn

Sumday he pind black widow too

Hab a nest and breed a few

Move on and have his liddle piece

and maybe find more love and peace!

     I'm trying to do this counseling so I can express myself better but I'm getting too old to be arguing with mental health workers and family about what I need. I'm getting too old to be alone. I can be useful if people WILL LET ME BE USEFUL. I can cook and clean and work if I have the right help and medication and people WILL GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have education in three $&T*#$# fields!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET ME HELP. DON'T THREATEN ME, DON'T LIE TO ME, let me help. And be satisfied with less than perfect. Otherwise, yes, you'll be doing everything and I'll be useless. They call it a right to work state. I'd like to do that. 

Weird Ideas p II - Anger Management

     It was a long time ago and I wasn't getting the right help. I had a lot of anger. Like I said she was young. Maybe mid-twenties. About ten years younger. You spend enough time around places like MIP, you get pushed too hard, you don't express your feelings... things can go in weird directions. There was a hall leading from the unit down to the cafeteria. There was a turn. That was the first marker. You go past there, in the evening... No one can see from the unit... not many workers around... sound doesn't carry that great...

    You spend enough time in these places... you get angry enough...

    By the time you get to the X, and it's evening, and there's no one around but you and some 20 something woman about half your weight who's not even paying attention... either she was brave or foolish. Because she carried one of those key cards. And I was tired of that place. All I needed was my hand over her mouth at the X, drag her into 1 or two, and there's no way in hell she would be able to stop me from getting that damn card and somehow disabling her. These doctors, they make angry walking around like Gods, looking down their noses at people like me. Threatening. Manipulating. Because I'm human too, I'm not getting paid for this BS. They should just be glad that I liked her.

    I didn't want to hurt her. She was nice. They should just be glad. Cuz I'm not stupid. And I can figure things out. She would be in 2, and I would have gone not through the visitor's entrance where they would have seen me, but right back up that hall to the exit marked freedom. No one would have caught me fast enough; I would have been gone. And if she had been smart, she wouldn't have stood in my way. But she was nice. I didn't want to hurt her. 

Meghan smiled last time. She was nice. Gentle. Dats what Spidey likes about his women. Berry gnice. Dey gno Spideys a good arachnid. She's so preddy. Smart. She takes good care. Spidey gnice too. The doctors make spidey nerbus. 

To my awareness

    There was one point i started dissociating really badly. The social worker Kat said that arson was off the team. TO MY AWARENESS she said, he's not part of the team. Later those words came back, and I started walking around repeating them... I wanted to break something. Very badly. 

    Then they wondered why I said I wanted to hurt my counselor. Because I needed her and she was not there to explain to them. Because apparently, I wasn't explaining very well. Instead, I was stuck in that toxic mess, and no one was actually helping me. So, I asked for seroquel because I knew it would calm me down long enough to get out. And once I was out, she could help me. Hopefully the past will only make more sense as time goes on.

Abrupt D/C of Pristiq

    Abruptly stopping a med can be dangerous. Pristiq had been on auto refill. I didn't notice when it wasn't auto refilled. What's more, Walgreens failed to say anything and simply removed it from my meds. Which is I think is completely unethical. Either don't have auto refill or do your damn job. So now I'm having more called in. 

    Unfortunately, the abrupt D/C led to suicidal thinking and flu-like symptoms. I was like what the hell is wrong with me? Life can be crazy. Meds can be... difficult.