Maybe this paranoia thing isn't so bad. 🤔 My social life hasn't been incredibly successful recently anyways. Maybe this gives me the space to actually refocus myself.

Dear God,

    I've been tested. I have failed here and there, as you know, but this is getting a little ridiculous. Please grant the health care professionals the wisdom and the humility they need to stop pushing Bipolar narratives and narratives about other professionals. I think they're getting there, but they may need some help, especially if my family is feeding them false narratives. 

    Grant the Health Department of the good State of South Carolina the wisdom it needs to stop wasting time and resources dealing with this little circus. To see that it does not help anyone. To see that if the doctors simply open their ears and close their mouths, they might save themselves some time and grief. Grant them the wisdom and the patience to keep my medicine filled. Thank you for the things that help me be what you intended and to follow your plan. Thank you for the strength, patience, and fortitude to wade through this nonsense. I really don't enjoy making people miserable. Maybe a few less surprises?

    Grant my family the wisdom and serenity to stop this nonsense. Thank you for showing me the way to a job that I seem to enjoy, as humble as it is. Thank you for inspiring me to write stories and poems. Help me to avoid misplacing trust as I have done with numerous individuals. Grant me peace and a quiet life. 

    Help people see beyond all these labels and beyond all the narratives and beyond all the symptoms to see that I am a person just like them. Just someone finding their way. Help me to focus on what I am good at and being me. Help people see that I am on the path, even though I cannot predict the future. Help them see that this has not been fun for me either. 

    Help me keep my calm and serenity. Help me find my humor and cheer. Keep us all safe and not at each other's throats. 

Amen

P.S. I think we're all getting there but I'm not sure, so maybe check in from time to time? I'll be in touch.

 

Vlad's attit a'genn. Taunting di seagulls. Dat bat will nebber lern. 

Connecting the Dots

 

    At least the hospital is finally learning when enough is enough. If certain other people would finally take a hint, mind their own damn business, and stay out of my healthcare, a lot of people could breathe a little easier, not least of all me. I hate to have to consider legal remedies. It's not pleasant. I still have that one friend that works in the health department. Though we haven't talked in a long time. I've had to close a few doors. I can't afford more setbacks. Trust is a risk. 

    I had a good talk with the healthcare team and adjusted emergency contacts. I'm not going to sign any further releases. It's time I learned my lesson. Some people will never give up. They'll shoot themselves in the foot to spite their patient, or their family, or whoever they feel they need to control. My life needs to feel a little less like a game of Healthcare Clue. If some people would just get a clue. I can't keep grinding the same stones. I don't have the energy or the desire. Then they wonder why I need a counselor. Brilliant. She's the one that helped me start writing the funny stories that make me feel good. She's the one that stopped Prichards. She's the one that cleans up the hospital's mess. She is the firewall.

    Anyways. The medication really seems to be in a good groove. The driving feels peaceful, and I'm enjoying my writing, when I get the inspiration. I've got a number of projects and the occasional poem going. 

    It's funny how the little things bring me back into tune. The ticking of a clock, the chirping of birds, the whirring of a fan. Every day has regularity now. Even the cat has a routine. Maybe I'll try to paint something. It will probably still look like a little kid's painting, but I enjoy it anyways. 

    I got tired of Gone with the Wind. Maybe I'll try reading a hardcopy at some point. The audio book is harder to follow. My sample of Cold Mountain ran out, but so far The Black Flower is good and somewhat similar. 

    Just every time I think of this healthcare monkey business, I get annoyed. I need to forget. Life shouldn't feel like a war. 

    I want to write something playful and funny. Like Tales of the Attick. 

    I've got more deliveries later. I have to finish that tax business. I'll actually get a little more back than I expected, because of a previous math error. I'm debating keeping my Taser in my vehicle because I drive to isolated areas sometimes. 

    I do need to relax a little. When I'm not in defense mode, I can actually be fun. Just last night someone asked me a question, and I was so businesslike. Granted, I was working, but still... some cheerfulness loosens things up. I've been getting some tension from driving so much and worrying. I need to do some stretches and relax. Enjoy life. No more healthcare whack-a-mole. 

You know, I'm feeling a bit more like my old self. The dots started connecting. I was remembering my last ER visit... comparing it with my conversation with the PA... they finally figured me out! I realized that the patient observer in the ER was following a script. I could tell because the life events she described were so very closely tailored to mine. She even changed her story a little, which made it seem rehearsed. I particularly liked the part where she insulted the doctors. And the part where she reported a doctor for mistreating a patient. Said she'd been dx'd bipolar and went off the meds. Described a traumatic event and multiple personalities.  Not entirely sure how much of the story was based in fact.

Anyways, I'm trying to be pragmatic. I really want to write some more. But the hospital seems to have surrendered on Bipolar... whatever they actually believe... I guess I can finally relax. Do what Arson said... try to enjoy life. 

    It's time to work on my records a bit. Some budgeting and planning time. Taxes is always a good reminder of the importance of keeping records. It turns out I forgot to include a form with my federal taxes and miscalculated my expenses. Hopefully I'll have a refund soon.

    I'm feeling much calmer with this new routine. I'm going to need to figure out how better to divide between writing and deliveries. Build morning and afternoon writing sessions around the driving.

   I actually enjoy Cold Mountain much more then Gone with the Wind. So far The Black Flower is good. I think I'm going to turn back to Tales of the Attick, The Watcher, and All the Colors in the next few days. 

    It all makes more sense now. I'm finding solace in sameness. When life stays the same from one day to the next, it's actually very liberating. I continue to work towards my goals in being productive, calm, and uncomplicated.

Keeping a healthy lifestyle, maintaining focus on the essentials, and finding some peace and serenity in the seasons of life... life will be calmer... the days will move more gently. God willing.

I'm still working on recognizing sarcasm, but I'm getting disturbingly good at recognizing rage, contempt, condescension, smugness, conceit, and pity.

Last night one restaurant was literally dripping with tension. The why is not clear, but the signals made more sense.

I utterly missed one episode of sarcasm until this morning. If I'm going to continue living in the South, I need to improve my indirect communication. 

I've got to find a place in this world. Life has become too dangerous since I peeled away the chemical layer that disguised the brokenness beneath. And now the world has this intensity as the lies become more clear. I can feel the anger of the people in the world. I can thier contempt. All the fairy tales fade away. From time to time it's brutal. 

I wonder how Artstick is doing. I really hope she still has some say in this world. Reality comes crashing down hard. I'm going to need a few rocks to hold onto. The past is never far. If I'm not careful, it will crush me like a bug. 

Cents

I'm like a bad penny. People are like, if we just shine it up, it will be ok. Too valuable to toss. Too ugly to like. Course, pennies lose any more value, and they will get destroyed.

Living in a family is a lot like having a job. The company goes through good times and bad. Every now and then you seek a rebrand, but the reputation still sticks. Everyone has a role and a place. Titles, even. Periodically someone is in danger of losing thier job, but then management realizes the price of terminating the contract. There's plenty of politics and maneuvering. Posturing. Power plays. Sometimes someone doesnt get the memo. 

I need to be careful. My job security is low. I can't afford a reorganization. We're going to have to cut costs. But if I keep overhead low, avoid outlays, who knows, I just might make it. On thin ice with corporate. But who knows... I keep my head down and I cross those t's and dot the i's, I might be alive and safe come new years... so long as reception stops answering the phone and AP prioritizes... maybe this outfit will still be around... 

But if the press people get too creative, corporate might come down hard. Let's all repeat the company line, someone is visiting from upstairs...

We ain't got no cents around here.

When people prefer pretty lies to ugly truth, facts become a matter of mutual agreement.

Reality is what happens when people look away.

Time and space allows for rekindling

When something dies...

Sometimes the end of one dream

Involves an internal dying

A fading into distance...

And yet, sometimes people won't let go of something that is dead.

They clutch it like Halloween candy,

Thinking that if they just hold tightly enough

And pretend

And make believe that nothing happened,

And fill in lies about the past,

That maybe, just maybe

That damn dream will get up and walk...

Like the resurrection.

But then time passes.

Thier tightly clutched hands press so tightly 

That they obliterate whats left.

What's dead stays dead.

And lies, no matter how comforting they may be

Fail to change the past.

Fail to change the present.

Fail, in fact, to kill the very future that may have been instead.

Sometimes hate does not heal.

Sometimes the contempt passed around like party favors simply poisons what good will remains.

It simply is a doubling down

That multiplies the disconnect.

And people rush to drive each other away

And they rejoice in their coldness and disdain,

Self appointed heroes and martyrs.

As if by destroying each other, they destroy their divisions.

Building thier anger with their lies.

And so begins another day.

Welcome to America. So long as the picture is pretty, the substance can vary.

Sometimes life events give me psychological whiplash. People moving in so many directions. Time and space grant more clarity. The noise fades and nothing remains but those memories. Little glimpses of connections between people, actions, and emotions. The sensation of sleepwalking is replaced by an edge so sharp. 

Reality seems like a dance of spectors, people moving and chanting. All the right words at all the right times and so long as we're moving in time, the narrative can be selected like multiple choice. But the moment a dancer falls out of step, the mirage melts away.

iRobert

I'm continuing to focus as in as laserlike a fashion as possible on what I am good at. If I can avoid any car accidents or other surprises, I should be ok. 

I keep looking for chances to increase my efficiency.  I've simplified and standardized my days, trying to make everyday as routine and unchanging as possible. This includes not thinking in terms of weekends and weekdays. Everyday is just another day. Same meals, same routes. Same stores. Same food. Same hours. 

I find it liberating to eliminate chaos. I complete only my planned tasks. I'm still struggling to find enough energy and focus to complete all my tasks. But I am hopeful that if I maintain habits, I will be successful enough to reach my financial goals and pay all my bills, while maintaining my home and my sanity. 

If so, I'll be able to relax a little, focus on new social contacts. While I may have many contacts, there's only two people that I count as close friends. It's not easy to keep up friendships. I need to invest in my friendships. I'm trying to reserve money and energy for that, but I have not been very successful. 

Life can feel like a merry go round that just won't stop. Theres this dazed, disconnected feeling, separate from the alienation, which is separate from the waryness, which is separate from the fatigue.

With all the danger in the world, I'm trying to eliminate as much risk as possible. I'm beginning to feel like the hologram in "iRobot". I want to simply start telling people "My responses are limited, you must ask the right questions". 

    I need to be more careful. My mind is not as strong as it once was. I have not managed my trust well. I have not prioritized correctly. I can't afford more setbacks. The Holiday season is coming, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I need to maintain focus. I feel like I'm trying to thread the needle with these social situations. I need to manage my expenses better. I've had too many people playing with my mind. 

    I need to adopt a mantra: stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. I've got to avoid unnecessary distractions, focus on the absolute necessities: work, writing, health. No extra expenses, projects, no getting off course. I know that temptations and diversions will come. I need to keep steady and focused. I keep feeling pulled in different directions. I never thought life could be so complicated. 

    My work has got to be my everything. It's the only part of this world that is really me. The past rises up like a nightmare ready to swallow me. 

    I need to stay focused on my writing and my work. It's all that stands in-between me and oblivion. 

   Opening the door to trust is a risk. I have no defenses. One day I will die. Hopefully the truth becomes clear before they bury me. They paint over my words even as i speak them. The world is a dangerous place when people play games with the mind. Thank Lucifer for Psychiatry.

Missing all the pieces of the puzzle. The picture is there. You have to want to see. Most people choose not to.

I never said it was a pretty picture. Greenville Psychiatropy... rest in pieces... when all the states doctors and medicine men could resurrect bipolar again, where then next do you cast the blame? Reflect it back. Find your shame. 

Names... they say I have names... names are all that's left. Names and misplaced trust.

I hope I'm going to get through this. 

I'm struggling to get through the days. My body feels like lead. I dont have the energy for the holidays. I wish I could move away. Start over. 

I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time. 

Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was. 

I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand? 

I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk. 

I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change. 

On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularity contests these days.

I really am uncertain. My functioning has changed so much, and at times ive been threatened... People have just been unhappy in general. I dont know what to do really. The hospital seems ... I honestly have no idea what they think. Hopefully they no longer want to jail me. But it doesnt seem a good time to take risks. If my finances weren't so bad maybe id buy a round of drinks or something. Ive found that a lot of people avoid me and I really don't know what happens next. 

My life is bizarre. I need to maybe... I really just want to work and write, but I feel like i can't if im not able to keep a clear head. I really could have a wreck. 

I feel very uneasy around people. I have two friends I talk to, I really find being around family like being in a foreign country. It's like i recognize the faces and voices, but its like I dont know them. 

I have trouble remembering what I've said. Sometimes I have extreme difficulty understanding people. My processing is so bad that English is almost is almost like a foreign language sometimes.

The doctors seem to want to still label me bipolar, even though I dont think its accurate, but at minimum I find it unhelpful. 

So now my life has somewhat devolved into this wierd state of being in which communication is extremely hit or miss. Life is very much like a razor blade... walking along the edge... you never know way you might go or what might happen. I'm finding it best to be vague and neutral in everything I say and do outside of two friends and two professionals. I do not feel like my energy and endurance can handle conflict. 

Unfortunately if I cant maintain work, matters may be out of my hands. Part of me tries to be ready... If danger finds me. My mind runs through contingincies, up to and including... I do not trust the hospital system... not at all. Maybe that's not fair. It's just that my life has changed so much. I haven't found it easy. I've been surprised a few times, both by my limits and by other people. 

Part of me feels that death is not far. I'm not sure why. Sometimes events happen so fast that it seems like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel my body prepared to run without warning. I truly do need to be very careful what I say. Sometimes I speak impulsively. 

The more time passes the I expect something to happen. Trust is very delicate... fragile like a house of cards. 

I dont have to wonder if people understand, i know they don't. They make it abundantly clear. It's just not always clear why they do what they do... sometimes i dont even know what they do believe, I just know its not the same. 

I need to build something while I still can. While my mind is still clear. But I think the disconnect is beginning to become difficult to sustain. I dont know what other people will do, but even if I do not run into further social problems, I'm not sure if my mind is strong enough to build what I want to build... the stories that I hope people will enjoy so much more then my actual presence. 

My body feels hard but hollow. Brittle. I'm not sure how strong it is. My mind feels stronger, wrapped in some armor, though less then in the past, and with so much happening, im not sure if it can endure and build these things. Further, my patience was never great, and the people around me do not sure my goals. 

It's hard to predict the future. Sometimes it seems that people can see through me. Sometimes they even seem uneasy. I feel like something is in motion... It feels like a constant vigilance... waiting to see what happens. 

I want to be productive while I still can. But which way is the wind blowing... I really should not have waited so long to write. Maybe I was too busy... maybe the words weren't clear... I have to build something while I still can. I hope its not too late. Time is not on my side, and the people around me have worked at cross purposes. 

I need to be more careful. This has not been going well. 

Maybe I should get out of here for a while. 

I'll never forget what the er said. We gotta ship this guy outta state. It's not a bad idea. I just dont know why I'm here.  A fresh start would be beautiful. 

A little bit of change. Not too much. Meet new people. 

I'm very worried about the future. My symptoms surge unpredictably.  I need to be extremely careful. I cant afford any emergencies. I feel on edge so often that I am exhausted.

I'm beginning to think I should get out of town. I need a breath of fresh air. Maybe go up to north Carolina, or even Virginia and Pennsylvania. I could visit some civil war sites. I really don't know why I'm here.

It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side. 

Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss. 

Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment.

Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware.

I worry about the future. I'm running out of time. People around me passing judgment and writing my story without consulting me... deciding who I am, what i think and feel, why I do what I do, and what my future holds... will I be able to interject? Will anyone hear me or see me? Or have they moved on from the story of my life, having decided all the details for themselves? I'm not sure i want to know, I'm not sure if anyone truly sees me. I only hope that i get to have some say before I die.

    There's so very much going on in the world today. With so much going on and so many differences between all the people in the world, it's not hard to misinterpret or misjudge other people or to inadvertently upset someone. 

    Sometimes when a person focuses on their own life, it seems oblivious or uncaring or self absorbed. I find focusing on the things that I can control is the only thing I really can do. Focusing on my own life, doing my life as best as I can, is really the only thing I can do. Focusing on me helps to avoid unnecessary confrontation or getting in other people's way. If I am doing my own productivity and health as best as I can, then I'm making the world a better place. 

    I find people rather puzzling sometimes. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure them out, sometimes I never figure them out. I know myself better then I know other people, I know what to do in my life better then I know what to do with other people, unless they explicitly tell me exactly what they want. 

    In my life, I try to stay out of people's way. Sometimes this keeps everyone safer and more productive. Sometimes perhaps I come across as aloof, but I'd rather not get involved unless I know exactly what's going on and how I can make a situation better. 

    I've been spending most of my time alone. Having been confronted with the possibility of being homeless has changed my perspective. I'm trying to avoid risk. I am centering my life around my productivity and my health. I'm no good to anyone if I'm dead or unable to be productive. 

    Every day, everything I do is working towards building or maintaining those two things: health and productivity. I'm keeping my life as simple as possible, eliminating anything unnecessary as much as possible. I cannot rely on other people to ensure my safety. The only person that can keep me safe, productive, and healthy is me. 

    I hope to have more creative writing ready soon, but work and health have been a distraction. I worry everyday so much that I barely am able to focus enough to work. It takes all my energy to drive safely and be on time. I'm very aware that people find me odd, amusing, or irritating very often. That is why I stay out of their way. They do not understand what is going on with me. I do not enjoy confrontation. The best thing I can do is do what I do as efficiently as possible. 

    I don't know how to change the way people see me or how I feel. I do know the world is dangerous, and people can be confusing or worse. I can't afford any more setbacks nor do I desire to make people miserable. In a perfect world, there would be harmony, in the real world, there's distance. 

    It's taken me some time to look back at the past and piece together more of what happened. As the pieces come together I feel like I am seeing more of the truth. Yet I walk in a world of strangers who I cannot understand or seem to relate to. Millions and millions of people... 

    Some days ago a man stopped me on the street. He wanted directions to the supermarket. I was in the middle of a delivery and wasn't sure which way the supermarket was. Before I could think any further, I turned him away. The old me would have pulled out my phone and looked it up and helped him. The new me is so distracted, wary, and hyper focused on avoiding danger that I barely paused. 

    It seems somewhat absurd to be so guarded. I don't actually enjoy it. But I am so very tired. I have to be careful with my energy. There is nothing between me and oblivion but my own alertness and acuity. People are exhausting if you give them a chance, they will tear you down and rip you apart and not think twice. That is our society now. And that is why I cannot even stop to give directions. 

    Why people have to tear others down and be so vile I do not know. My energy is limited. I cannot afford any more risks. There is one person I can rely on without question. One person I can trust to do what is right, to understand, to help, to clear the confusion. One person that will truly defend me no matter what. One person I can trust. 

    Others, with their threats, their insults, their arrogance and their hatred, I have no time and no energy for those people. Energy is precious. I don't know why this is the way it is, but I know that my time on this earth is limited, and I want to build something before I am gone. So I must focus, and not waste time or energy on trying to please people who will never be pleased. 

    I do watch and wait to see if someone comes who is not like these others. I do think of the past when I had people around me that saw me differently. Before that doctor threatened me and quit. 3 years. I know no one cares or understands. They have made it more then obvious. I cannot waste time and energy on people like that. I must stay with the one person who is different. I don't know how to feel different, when the best others can do is make threats and condescend, I don't know what, exactly, changes. My time on earth is limited. I need to get some work done. 

    When hospitals prefer to invent new problems instead of solving the ones they have, THAT is the insurance fraud. That is the stupidity of the world. People just keep doubling down every time. Every time. Makes no sense. 

In this day and age, with all the danger in the world, restraint is truly underrated. I hope to keep my peace and my focus. 

    My tennis coach had a saying. It was "Hope is not a strategy". I think my saying would be "Chaos is not a solution."

     The Hospital had that poem about walking down a different street. The new street I'm walking down has this new job and taking those mental vacations from my problems every day. I don't spend time with the same people as much. I focus more on the work and the writing, a little less on people. There's so many things I don't understand, but I need to put that away, realizing that I don't have to understand the entire world. I have to focus on me, maintaining me. I can't expect others to do it. It's not realistic to spend so much of my time and energy on the world around me... I need to stay focused on maintaining myself. I can't control what others believe or what they do. I can only control what I believe and do. I must focus on what I am good at and maintaining myself. Let the world do what it will, as it always does. 

    Today I have my usual deliveries. I'm trying to keep every day the same. The same food, the same recharge activities, the same work hours, the same few social contacts, same meds, same everything. I need laser sharp focus, because my mind is still not very sharp. Improving timeliness, route efficiency, execution, working on writing, and refreshing my spirit. I need to keep increasing my calm.