Legalized Drugs

    So going back to the Drug War and medicalized perfectionism... In the 90s, thinking was a bit different. People were like Autism Spectrum? Asper-what? ADHme? Bipolar reorder? SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Schizo this and that? Dissociate? Psychosis? Red pill, blue pill? Adrenaline? 

    Maybe I am weird. I learned from the best. Y'all taught me something. Atlanta. Greenville. Charleston. Anderson. MA. Y'all taught me something, right? Maybe it's time to trust that you taught well. To stop hiding behind your locked doors. Maybe keeping people safe can happen out in the community. Maybe my brother isn't actually God. Nor my father. Just maybe. Maybe being the youngest doesn't automatically make me stupid or a fool. Maybe not quite a criminal mastermind either. Maybe having trouble going out in public doesn't make me an atheist. Maybe having DID doesn't make me a demon worshipper or a drug addict. Maybe we really did get into this together. I'm not sure what it is you all expect of me at this point, but you seem to have invested a good bit. Maybe I can do something with that. I do have to pick something eventually. I'm not that young. 

    I remember that psychiatric nurse that I tutored. She wanted to keep people out in the community. Things got bad during Covid. She wanted to open a community center. It's not a bad dream. So maybe I can help. In my own way. Only, I'm not going to WV. I'm staying here. 

    Still going back to the Patch Adams thing. Still you guys have the WRONG ideas. Still rather annoyed. Stuck up older people ordering others around doesn't impress people. I prefer the gentle touch. The Austen Riggs kind. The Patch Adams kind. The non-hateful, non-us-versus-them kind. 

    That doesn't mean I advocate for illegal drugs, or for the pharmaceutical machine you are so addicted to. That doesn't mean I want to DSMize you like you have me. It means I want it to fucking stop. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. Legalized insanity at work. I'm more than willing to let doctors hate me if it means that people in the community will not hate me. I'm more than willing to trade the greed and the status for some peace of mind. Being stuck up is not a virtue. Being controlling is NOT a virtue. Humility and forgiveness are virtues. And I'm reviewing my legal options as an independent adult. Regarding woodruff road and Clozana. And MIP. But while I do that as an independent adult, and before you start plotting the next hole to bury me in or the next way to evict me or the next state to ship me to, maybe consider alternatives. Maybe consider that WILLFULLY IGNORING established research because it does not fit into your way of life MAKES NO SENSE. 

    Maybe the NAZI lockstep isn't the greatest idea? Who exactly is the bad influence? The stuck-up pricks in white coats, or the people they control? Just some food for thought. It's not actually impressive when everyone can see through the emperor's clothes, you know. They can damn sure see through mine. Marching me around like some escaped convict because I don't buy the bullshit and I don't follow the program? Not smart, people. Not impressing anyone. 

    I just hope the state of South Carolina demonstrates some common sense towards me so I can do the same. I've tried multiple careers and dozen of prescriptions. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. I'm sticking to 1099s. You guys are nuts. 

    I do not believe in a chemical solution. But I don't believe in pushing the body too hard, either. Or being untrue to oneself. Or controlling others. So before I make this required reading statewide for healthcare professionals or start suing doctors, maybe y'all can back off the hyper-analyze and fix it cycles. We are not Nazis yet. Let's not go there. You can take your DSM and do what a friend once told me about the Bible. Cross reference. Debate. Then shut the fuck up and go home. I get to have emotions too. You helped build them. Congratulations. Fuck off. I am not your machine. 

De-Bipolarization, Ending the Gender Wars

    Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.

    Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something. 

    Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not fit all. People are not products. We can't just standardize and duplicate. Genetics and human experience are not that malleable. Cuz we can bipolarize till the end of time. Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Maybe they just tried too hard, took things too hard. Maybe they didn't understand their limits sometimes. But rather then have the FBI following me around looking up my ass and shooing off angry professionals, maybe we can all sit down and shut up a little. That would be nice. I really don't have time for anyone else's problems unless I'm being paid or on contract. I tried to help some people while helping myself. I'm not sure we're happy with the results. My head hurts. I've got people pulling me in different directions. "Me, Myself and Irene" and "What about Bob?" may seem funny and "Girl Interrupted" and "Split" may seem a bit demonic, but in truth DID is not a movie. It's rather serious like everything else in the real world. It's a name for a problem. For going in too many directions at the same time with no limits. Everything to everyone. Jack of all trades, master of none. A little too worldly. People do die. I'd like to die the non-violent and/or grief filled way. Let other people shine. It's their time. I've been charted plenty. 

    I'm getting older and my body is telling me that I have limits. My brain is telling me that it can't figure out all these freaking hospitals and these doctors. The lawyers seem as confused as I do. But I'm not sure what we're teaching these people with these drugs and cycling them through hospitals and prisons. I definitely, 100% believe in nutrition as a guide for mental health. I need to be careful what I put in my body. I also believe I need to be careful what I let into my mind. Don't believe everything you hear, they say. Look out for number one, they say. I've heard a few voices. The ones that aren't real are based on past experiences. Dressing up trauma as bipolar or psychosis is one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's been happening since the beginning of Psychiatry. Before that it was demons and mind control and conspiracies. Some Psychiatrists need some correction. Some Psychologists too. Maybe they learned, maybe they didn't. Atlanta tried to say no. Riggs was concerned. Belmont and Greenville weren't listening. IS ANYONE LISTENING OUT THERE? I hope so. My liver can only take so much. 

    People are not products. DO NOT MANUFACTURE ME. My expiration date is coming up eventually. I need rest. You know, Prichards did try to say something from time to time. Once, before Atlanta and MA. I remember that for sure. Too much experience. Drugs can't compensate. 

The Beauty of It

Ever since i filed those FBI reports the phone has barely whispered. I'm absolutely loving it. I don't know what they did or didn't do. That's the beauty of it. I don't actually have to know. Maybe they checked my devices for malicious code. I swear the damn thing never rings. I've never BEEN so unpopular. It's fantastic. Now, hopefully that printer gets here so I can file those taxes.

Social Media

I like Instagram. FB is useful. LinkedIn was... frustrating but I may try again. Tiktok is bizarre. Tiktok scares me in multiple ways. snapchat is the absolute worst save dating sites. I have not used YouTube for much more then how to type stuff. 

I like Instagram because I find more real world, cleaner stuff (with exceptions). It helps me keep up with whats really happening. For me, tiktok is like crypto or nuclear power or AI... use with extreme caution. 

The Doctor

Edward Ward was a hard man. His stubbornness had led him to a place that not many black men had arrived: the physician's staff of Memorial. His head was bald, his eyes deep, he had a hard skull. He was built like a Mason, but through long hour of study his flesh had contracted somewhat to a lean and wiry frame. He could see. He could complexity in natures. History can be denial so easily. Fear can be resentment in a heartbeat. He knew he had eyes on him, and why not? He didn't exactly fit in. His skin was dark, the color of ebony. But he trusted the system, despite evidence to the contrary he needed to believe. They ran around him, but not over him. They knew better.

He had paid his dues. Now he was assigned to the Psychiatry unit down by Memorial. He had lived for a while in a house off the motor mile. Then things got complicated. 

She had meant so much to him. They had been through highs and lows. Through so many surprises and setbacks. Helen. He had asked her to marry him. It seemed like that was when it went wrong. He tried to understand. He would have followed her. He liked his job, but it was her he had wanted. The job was what he got. The bottle followed. It helped him put things away. He liked Whiskey or Rum. Wasn't into the Wine or Beer thing. Straight for the good stuff. 

So, he took a little fall, one that did not go unnoticed. It took some jiggering. But he prioritized. After Helen, his job was everything. He walked out. She liked the place, so he let her keep it. Rented a room in a large house over by the park. It was quiet there. He had laid some change down for a 300i, and he liked to go for a long drive with a cigar lit. He would play Jazz on the stereo. 

It was time to make amends. It was time to turn the page. It was time to help someone else.

Dey nebber lissen...

Spidey di only brown recluse in South Carolina! All Spidey wanted was a Black Widow in di nest, a few flies in di web... but nooooo... dey wanted di perfect arachnid. Di venom isn't poisonous enuff! Di legs too long! Di eyes a liddle fuzzy... one day I'll meet di rite Widow... we'll laff, hab fun, maybe she'll eat me...

Nuitrition

Dearest Jenn,

    Such a pleasure to chat. Such witty humor. It's so nice to talk to people my age. They really get me. I like the way some people talk. The word choice. The tones. There's so much depth to some conversation. 

    Unfortunately, I like your ideas. So I might have to use them. I made some notes. 

    I particularly like the Arugula Berry Salad idea that you referenced from Natasha's kitchen, the avocado egg salad recipe looks intriguing. The Downshiftology and Nutritional Psychology websites look fascinating. I'll have to google some foods. 

    Such a strange thing when males are not allowed in the kitchen. I'm glad you can relate on the toxic male thing and an individual focused treatment approach.

    I loved K-. She was so great. It was draconian, what she taught me. The vegan type of stuff. But I really liked starting out with the really hard rules. I liked that she suggested it could be flexible. I liked that she treated me like family. It really helped. I was in a dark place then.

    I'm not good at trusting certain types of people. Autism Spectrum/PTSD hypersensitivity. I'm glad I've met some people that I can handle. 

Best,

Ashes and Dust

Happy about Something

The foot numbness is gone!! Now it hurts. The arch. Right foot. But this is good news! The headaches and the face pain also seem slightly better. I celebrated by buying a new hammer, replacing some toilet flappers, and picking out replacements for some damaged furniture from the Memorial Day Sale. A new recliner sofa, dark faux leather, and a new recliner, coffee colored. I'm going to have to throw out the futon. Unless anyone wants a futon with a broken leg? It's gonna rain again and I'll have to dig out my backyard drain... always clogs. Hopefully today I'll get some more cleaning done, review the recipes from the nutritionist, maybe exercise, write, and then tomorrow set up that printer so I can print out and mail taxes. 

Moral Imperative

I believe i have a moral obligation to warn people about woodruff road, CBT, Bipolar, drugs, and MIP... even McClean has actions to answer for. I need these answers before they sweep it under the rug or shut me up. I need answers. I have to keep people safe from these doctors. Cuz I know I was harmed. Who else was? How many people? Where does human engineering lead us?

Time to think...

 

Self concept

 I feel like my self concept is distorted. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. I'm stuck between past and future. Dependence and independence. I'm still enmeshed. I need to change. I hope people still believe. I'm trying. My faith is a bit battered. 

Frustrated

    I think people are just frustrated with their own lives and secondarily with whatever is going on with me (definitely depends on who you ask). But so long as no one gives me cause to worry, I have no worry about my future. As far as legal action, I can only further reiterate that my personal affairs are not up for debate. That includes medical and legal. 

    Acceptable topics of conversation include: the weather, some sports, pop culture, history, food, culture, whatever is not my personal business. You can definitely expect me to meet you where you are. If you fight me, I will fight back. 

    I guess my greatest hope is that people quit playing games with my well-being. I'm not actually a science experiment. And surely, of all the medical problems, at least one is real. It just means I function differently. I gotta understand how this kind of false perfect gets going this way. They have this idea of who I am but I swear it's not me. How is it that I'm still getting stuck? Are they going to stop checking on me? 

Privacy

    See, I always thought people in public generally stuck to thier company. But lately I've noticed people talking about me everywhere I go. At first it made me angry, then afraid.  But now I think maybe they just find me very interesting. And the cats doing so well. Such good spirits. I still have some work to do. But hopefully soon I'll be back around others. The medicine is helping. But I need to be patient. Today is Saturday. I've finally got the right month and almost always the right day and day of the week. Even time perception is better. Though I still lose chunks.

Anemia

Well now the anemia dx makes more sense. Because I'm having all the symptoms.

Symptoms that can occur include extreme tiredness, weakness and shortness of breath.

People may experience:

Whole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, or malaise

Heart: fast heart rate or palpitations

Also common: brittle nails, headache, pallor, shortness of breath, or weakness

Maybe that’s where low CO2 is from. Idk. Anyways, I'd go outside more but for the allergies, memory issues, and fatigue. Plus I feel like i have indoors work to do. 

Buti think today, the weather is nice so I'll sit outside.

Professionals

I picked my professionals carefully. I'm confident in these. I just need to give them time to make sure my lifestyle is healthy and my memory is fully integrated. Until they finish it need to avoid certain people. Not a fixit mentality. A healing one. Growing into a different way of life. And that allows me to be kinder. It allows me to be stable. To work. To live... outside of hospitals. 

Names

See, I've been called many names. Some of the more offensive names were atheist, liar, shemale, psychotic, cracker, thing, it, cookie... somehow gay, straight, crazy seemed easier. You know, my head hurts every single day. My right foot hurts. The arch is having issues. That vagus nerve pain that radiates in the face and down the limbs. I'm wondering what effect the gabapentin had. I was on as much as... I think 1800. I'd have to check the records. I don't remember the dosing for that one. I'm sure the records are being preserved. We need to understand the effects of these combinations. Long term. And I need to stay away from doctors. So if you have an MD, I wouldn't plan to see me for years. Unless you're on my team. I need to avoid persons who know medical stuff and will undoubtedly have drastically different views of healthcare. 

Study

So prichards wanted a case study. Arson suggested the same. So, I'm granting that wish. I am the most powerful insanity in the lamp! (Easy on the metal polish). Some people want to believe I'm faking. I know I'm not. I know I'm just challenging their world views and confusing them. So, they should mind their own business. It's just better for everyone.

Work to do

See some people seem to think im some sort of criminal mastermind, others that I'm faking, others that I'm weak minded, and some people simply can't figure me out. And then I start suspecting that I talked my way into a psych unit in order to get them to produce documentation for a legal case, which is not actually true. So far we only seem to agree that I was dissociating. Though some people refer to that with the term "psychosis", its not an accurate use of the term. I suspect that psychosis is much less common than many psychiatrists believe. I still wonder how many actually know the difference. But unfortunately I have to deal the hand I was dealt. And that means avoiding certain people until after the court date. Since they refuse to recognize my reality simply because it conflicts with thier lives. I get it. You like the status quo. But I cant help you. I have to see this through. Until you can respect that, I can't be around you. You know who you are. There's work I have to do. It's taken me away from you. Besides that, I have to integrate my memory, file taxes, fix some stuff, maintain house, look at a part-time job, and various other things. 

More on Independent thought

So I may have turned into a bit of a hermit. Maybe I've lashed out a bit from time to time. It's been confusing. Which is why I need alone time. To make sure I'm seeing my life from a rational perspective. From a wise perspective. That's why I need space. I can only control me. What I think and do. So I need to do that well. I need to decouple from some people. Not be enmeshed/codependent/cult-like. And I need to improve some of my skills. I need to be more well-rounded. 

Anger

Apparently, my anger is still too high, because I'm seeing people doing things I just don't approve of. But I need my people to be strong. We have a job to do. I realize that the danger may not be as imminent or as great or as wide ranging as I see it to be. I only know that I'm not the only one frustrated with my families. So we need to focus. Act in patients' best interests. That's what I want. But you have to be honest with them. Without honesty then you're not actually acting in their best interest. Frankly, with so many people tangentially involved, and people pushing me forward, we need to see this through. So you need to let me help. I know your hospitals. I know your systems. So let me help. There simply isn't a hole to bury me in. 

What MIP does and does not understand

What MIP does understand is that my family is a danger to my wellbeing. What they missed is that they have been part of the problem. My father worked next door. They did what he said. They were part of the problem. Between my parents, McClean, and MIP (with Woodruff Road and his friend) They have nearly killed me. Undue influence. Human Experimentation. Drug trials on a minor. I'm trying to understand all of the federal and state laws that were violated. 

It Would be Rather Awkward...

If I had to ask County Sheriff to arrest family members or anyone else. You know. Since some people seem to think they can control Greenville County. But technically... some people have violated multiple federal laws. That's not something that helps me sleep at night. "Protecting someone" Springbrook said. Too many meds, they said. But no, let's pretend its all kosher. We like the money. 

Confusion Regarding "Help"

I need to be clear on "help". The people "helping" me are my friends and health care providers, free of undue influence. We have a job to do. Anyone else needs to mind their boundaries, keep conversation related to matters not pertaining to medical or legal. This is me trying to help you. Don't get yourself in trouble. Let the law do what it needs to do. Once this is cleared up, then you can talk about it. Let me help you. Don't get in my way on this. Don't distract me. I'm busy. If you need something, Voicemail, text, email, postal mail. And once my work is done, then I can be funny again. People around the world read this stuff. I don't know who's telling whom what or how seriously they take it. But people in this county need to watch their boundaries.

You know, I used to wonder where the word "county" came from. Then I remembered medieval times. A Count was a minor lord. Ruled over a very small area. Just bigger than a mayor, I guess. 

Help

    Now, accountability is not a bad thing. Auditing is not by nature a bad thing. It cleans out the herd a bit. So that the people who are not able to do the job properly do not cause harm or tarnish the reputation of the remainder. That's what I'm hoping for. Is to keep everyone safe and encourage good ethics and responsibility. I just hope people are paying attention before I go to court. Because if we do a little clean up outside of the court room, then things are less messy in the real world and the courtroom has less work to do. 

    Some professionals have bad boundaries. I'm harping on this to make sure I'm getting the point across. Because I only need to sue so many people. And I don't actually relish the idea. I do it because it is necessary. Because the public has a vested interest in a safe and effective health care system. I want people to be able to trust their doctors. We can't do that if there are irresponsible professionals out there. Right now I need to focus on real life and getting ready for court. the people in my life need to focus on not obstructing justice so that they don't face criminal charges. It's not a good idea to make this messy. That said, I hope public health is paying attention. Because, again, I've been asked to say something.

    Greenville County has a problem. Doctors are not acting in the best interest of patients. Lying to patients generates health problems and lawsuits. It generates resentment. It generates people going elsewhere. So now I've fired my ENT for dishonesty, incompetence, and not acting in my best interest. But the GI doc and the internist and allergist have been responsive. The neurologist... is more responsive then the Psychiatrist was. And I have two referrals for new ENTs. Some people want to sweep all this under the rug. They go to great lengths to cover tracks. Including CCBH, Woodruff Road, and my family. Medical people like to hide their mistakes. They don't like being questioned. Which only makes it uglier when the truth comes out. So we shouldn't drag this out. 

    We need to let a court decide. And when the time comes that I am ready, I will talk to the lawyers and we'll go over the evidence and determine who will be named as a defendant. We'll be responsible, we won't waste the court's time. We'll definitely be looking at McClean, clozapine manufacturers, Woodruff Road, and the guy that worked under Church. Probably MIP. And if everyone else keeps their damn trap shut then they won't need to be named as defendants either. 

    I do not want to have to look at racketeering or obstruction of justice. I do not like locking people up. I know what that's like. We just need some accountability. So that people can be safe from liberalized, NAZI like medicine. In the end the State brings criminal charges. Not me. That's not up to me. I just tell them what happened. And I know for a fact that the state has little interest in putting doctors behind bars. Not exactly a great use of resources. But it can happen if necessary. So I need people to keep their mouths shut so that I don't have to file reports. It's nasty business. My team and I find talking to the FBI rather frightening. Especially when they say little in return. Then we wonder what the heck they are doing. Maybe nothing. Maybe more then nothing. We don't know. But that's the whole point. If, in fact, they were to be conducting a criminal investigation, they would not say so until they have all the facts and are ready to move. So again, maybe nothing at all. Maybe more then that. I don't know. 

    What I do know is that a court date is coming. And fighting it only makes it more inevitable. Because at this point I have assured the FBI that I will cooperate with whatever they are or are not doing. So I have an obligation of my own. And people that are counting on me to make sure that this county is safe. Good ethical medical practices for the kids. Responsible use of Federal funding. I have enough experts that have verified that I have major medical issues. One of those issues is regarding ability to recall past events. Clarity brought this to my attention. That alone makes working regular hours difficult. The autism spectrum is actually a smaller problem. Clarity also brought up my difficulty in seeing the bigger picture. Connecting Dots. They pointed out my auditory processing difficulties. This was in a controlled environment. I'm not so intelligent that I can fool this many people. It's literally not possible.

    So instead of arguing over whether or not it is real or who is to blame, the effective person would accept reality (I am disabled), try to deal with that reality realistically and compassionately, and seek corrective action to protect others. We are working on those things. Keeping people safe. In the real world, unfortunately sometimes things go wrong. That doesn't mean lashing out blindly. It does mean moving on. But it also requires accountability. To keep people safe. My father learned that the hard way. I inherited his stubbornness. But I intend to use it for good in my own way. Help fix this ridiculous medical system. Part of that is getting people to respect the instructions of the professionals that are doing the right thing. Part of that is to correct or retire the professionals that do the wrong thing. One thing I would suggest for the hospitals is to have the engineers and architects consider better controlling sound. Less auditory chaos in hospitals decreases stress and increases privacy. I really hope someone is taking me seriously here. I have been in your hospitals so much.

    You might as well help yourselves by listening to honest feedback. There are things you can change that make it better for everyone and wouldn't even cost that much. Some extra soundproofing material. Not the end of the world. Don't make me repeat myself. Lawsuits get started that way. Not just mine. So let me help you. I'm not even charging for the help. It wouldn't have to be this ugly if you LISTENED, didn't engage in COVERUPS, and were RESPONSIBLE. Undue influence. Look it up. Then make sure your doctors are being ethical. I don't like calling the medical board. It freaks me out. I called twice now. Once about my former psychiatrist and once about someone manipulating my aunt's meds. Don't make me call these kinds of people.

    Anyways, stop freaking out about lawsuits. The evidence and the lawyers will do the talking. Only the guilty have cause for concern. I'll be avoiding family until it's over. Otherwise I'm caught between the community and my family and it's pissing people off. Hopefully soon I'll be able to write and do more happy things. First, I have work to do. 

My Life

It doesn't make sense. It seems like one long confusion. But I trust the people I'm working with. I'm glad for that. It's good to have people you can trust. I miss my friends. I think of Robin Williams, Don Henley, James Taylor, Poe... I know I'm not them. But what would some people do? People who other people see as having been great? The more I know, the less I understand. All these things I thought I'd figured out, I'm learning again. I need to make sure my soul is in the right place. Until my life stops seeming like a cross between a criminal enterprise and a medical cult. Some people are bad in combination. And I really have been taught by some bright minds. Things got a little scrambled. I can remember, I can't recall. Somethings that I do recall I will never see the same way again. Where does the talk of victims and protection lead me? Where is this going?