Vhy do you keep crawling towards Memorial!?!?

 

Funny how putting the past behind...

 works for all of about ten seconds. 

 

Metaphor Shopping

    Vell, let's see what Home Freako has on sale today! Hmmmmm... Zis isle has zee Mental Health Problems... no... I think we have those... 

Trauma vs. THC Addiction

    Trauma can manifest in various ways, including emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms. Emotional signs include persistent sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt. Psychological signs can include intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and avoidance of trauma reminders. Physical signs may include sleep disturbances, fatigue, aches and pains, and changes in appetite or eating patterns. 

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

Emotional and Psychological Signs:

Intrusive thoughts and memories: Recurring, unwanted thoughts, images, or sensations related to the traumatic event according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). 

Flashbacks: *Feeling as though the traumatic event is happening again in the present moment. *

Nightmares: Disturbing dreams related to the trauma. (I don't remember dreams usually)

Avoidance: **Actively trying to avoid places, people, activities, or even thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma. **

Emotional numbness: Feeling detached, disconnected, or unable to experience emotions fully. 

Difficulty concentrating:** Struggling to focus on tasks, remember things, or make decisions. **

Mood swings: **Experiencing rapid and intense shifts in emotions. **

Anxiety and panic: Feeling excessive worry, fear, or panic, sometimes accompanied by physical symptoms like a racing heart or shortness of breath. 

Depression: *Feeling persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, and fatigue. *

Guilt and shame: *Feeling responsible for the trauma or experiencing intense feelings of self-blame.* 

Irritability and anger: Feeling easily agitated, frustrated, or experiencing angry outbursts. 

Difficulty trusting others: *Struggling to form or maintain healthy relationships due to fear of vulnerability or betrayal. *

Feelings of hopelessness: Losing hope for the future and feeling pessimistic about recovery. 

Social withdrawal: Avoiding social interactions and becoming isolated from friends and family. 

Self-destructive behaviors: Engaging in risky or harmful behaviors as a way to cope with trauma. 

Physical Signs:

Sleep disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep.

Fatigue: Feeling excessively tired and lacking energy.

Changes in appetite or eating patterns: Overeating or loss of appetite.

Aches and pains: Experiencing unexplained physical pain or discomfort.

Hypervigilance: Being constantly on guard, easily startled, and overly aware of potential threats.

Rapid heartbeat: Feeling as if the heart is racing or pounding.

Shaking or trembling: Experiencing involuntary tremors or shaking.

Difficulty breathing: Experiencing shortness of breath or feeling like they can't catch their breath.

Digestive issues: Experiencing stomach problems, nausea, or vomiting.

Headaches: Experiencing frequent or severe headaches. 

Yet because of a bad spravato reaction the Hospital and family want to focus on:

Symptoms of cannabis addiction in adults:

Missing work or struggling with job responsibilities (already present)

Spending money on cannabis over essential expenses (Not present)

Increased secrecy and avoiding family interactions (Necessary with certain people)

Frequent arguments (Not present) and mood instability (Already present)

     Counseling costs money, yes, and it brings problems out into the open for people to see. I can't just gloss over my problems though. I'm a real person, and I need people to see that. Pride is a dangerous thing. Refusing to accept help is a dangerous thing. I do fear people knowing all of me. But rather than hide my problems and walk around with them, I want to deal with them. 

    I like what I'm learning about lifestyle. My blood sugar is lower, and I have more realistic view of medication. I'm spending less, and I'm more careful about spending. I'm taking some risks. I'm definitely making mistakes. 

    I can't be nice all the time; it leads to problems like anger issues. I've not learned the art of dealing bad news as well as I thought. My self-image was rigid and unrealistic. I'm not sure how others see me, other than inconsistent. 

    It's difficult being alone. But it's dangerous to be in unhealthy relationships. I need to improve my emotional regulation and communication before it truly is too late. I need to do that even if it hurts people's feelings. 

It's not that i dont want to do more...

    But I need to communicate better. Otherwise, it's just back and forth. I know there are people rooting for me. My friends from grade school. My nieces and nephews. But every time I talk to someone it seems like something gets miscommunicated. It seems like a push and pull. Like conversations are battles. Except for a very few key people. The internist seemed a bit mystified, but I got what I needed. She was very helpful. A shot and some recommendations for my ears and stomach.

    When im able to write, it brings me happiness. Just not able to do it very much. Well. Today is day 2 back on ritalin. We knew there was a chance for bumps. I need to be patient. Sometimes it makes me more impatient. Patience is hard.

 

If only there was a version of run around that was about going from hospital to hospital. What I need is income, not guilt, resentment, shame. I'm trying to launch my business. I need income. I may have to get something temporary.

It feels good to move a little. Thats the thing about hospitals. Small spaces. Not much movement for patients. Ive got to stay out of these hospitals. My care team does better. Ive got to stay out of these hospitals.

 They're not even here. They're all gone. Retired, mostly. Dont spread your trauma. Oy.

Counting

100

93

86

79

72

65

58

51

44

37

30

23

16

9

2

Freaking hospitals. Why do I keep going to the same one? Why? Makes no sense.

 I have to stop thinking about hospitals. I swear they are so far in my head and they're screwing it up. I don't understand what they are thinking. It's like they are trying to destroy me. I try to get them out and they are right back in. Dont spread your trauma. Yeah right. 

Exercise Day

    Today I'm going to focus on some exercise and some distraction. I've got some followup on the business happening later this week. Cardio, some yoga and stretching, call the Y and set up a trainer appointment. I've got some organizing to do.

 

    Today is a new day. I'm going to put the past behind me and try to have a good day. Other than the physical with the sinuses, there's no reason not to. There's no reason not to. Even my blood sugar dropped into normal range. My health is literally improving. The lifestyle changes are taking effect. They put me back on Ritalin, so hopefully I can focus on this business and my writing. With less medicalization. I'm exhausted of my own complaints.

What they want to Believe

    People are going to believe what they want to believe. I can understand the concern about the nurse. What I don't understand is smearing my counselor in order to protect that psychiatrist. That's hard to understand because his actions involved great danger. And he recommended the THC, not her. He did. And he knew I was taking it the whole time. So, I'd better not hear the rumors again. Or I'm going to have to go around telling everyone on this earth exactly what happened, the very truth to the last letter. It's already taken enough of my energy without this bullshit. 

    And I did not prescribe Spravato, either. I did not write the prescription. And now the doctors know better. I have no doubt in my mind that they will be extremely careful with prescriptions in the future. 

You knoooooow...

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

     The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you Weren't

While you weren't listening
I started closing doors

I ran around the back

Then opened up some more

While you weren't listening

I changed a few ideas

I put away my fairy tales

I tried to face my fears.

You wanted me to change

You found and shaped a mold

You called upon your champions

To bring me back in fold.

You wanted to know everything

Perhaps I didn't learn

I chased the wrong directions

And failed to grow and earn. 

While you weren't watching

I found a different way

I found new things to do

I found new things to say.

While you weren't watching

I changed the way I am

I changed my view of the world

I learned to not pretend.

Loving vs Caring

    I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do. 

    The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used. 

    When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person. 

    Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the answer, or that Father ALWAYS knows best, or Doctor ALWAYS knows best, or that a certain public figure is infallible or unquestionable. 

    I find that absolutes are a quick pathway to hell on earth. I don't know who reads this. I don't know all of the people that have been acting behind the scenes in my life. I do know for a fact that there are people who have done me harm, from small harms to much bigger ones. I do know that I was miseducated on multiple issues by people I trusted. I do know I have been threatened and manipulated. I do know that it is exhausting when people are inappropriate. 

    But I like what Leaves said about Ephesians 5:13 "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."

    So, it is my hope that by bringing some things into the light here, they become light. I hope that by bringing out ways in which I have failed and way in which others have failed me, I can somehow find a way to stop the darkness. Doctors are not in fact, Gods. Their word is not absolute. And happiness does not actually come from pills. It comes from appropriate actions. 

    I have made mistakes. I have mislearned some. When I say that I am tired, I do literally mean I am tired. But I can't keep bringing the past into the present. I am not in need of excitement. I'm tired of the same old lies and the same old exaggerations and the same old fights. I'm trying to not become allergic to people, because I'm finding that spending time with people who make you feel bad or whom you make feel bad is less like love and more like addiction. Then it is neither love nor caring. 

Balance

 

    I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

Mournful Monday Greenville County

    Welcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

Patient Relationships

     Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact. 

    But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water. 

    But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometimes I have to pretend. Because sometimes bullshit isn't helpful. But all this back and forth and playing mind games around me isn't helpful. So I don't feel any guilt about calling out the patients for being absolutely, abysmally, toxic shitheads on last visit. Because they deserve it. And besides, they have no interest in reading this anyways. They have no interest in truth or accountability. They made that clear.

    But God judges us all. And like I seek forgiveness for the wrong things I have said and done, so will they in time. They will learn that somethings catch up with you. And they it doesn't impress anyone with any sense to say certain dumb lies about things you know nothing about. 

    But I do think the staff did fairly well at managing the toxicity after it got nearly to the level of a riot, though the gossip got out of hand. 

    This is why I need to stay out of psych hospitals. The nonsense that gets started isn't helpful. 

Assumptions

     Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes. 

    We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows what she is doing and she is literally trying to help me help these people and help myself. And that's a lot. 

    There has been dysfunctional behavior around me. And at the end of the day we can't blame "Bipolar" or "I didn't know" for everything. But there are many medications that can be dangerous beyond THC. Mirapex and prazosin are just a couple of examples. And plenty of people take drugs. Many work for the hospital system.