What now?

Can we charge him with being ugly? No, no law on that... What about... drug addiction? It'll never stick... How about failing to argue with us in an effective manner? You knoooooow...

In case it seems like I'm blaming everyone but myself...

    Yes, I contacted the nurse outside the hospital, yes, I'm broke and unemployed, no I'm not addicted to anything but letting bullshit prosper, No, I'm not interested in your drugs, yes, I'm tired of poor communication, No, I don't want to play anymore, yes, I truly am seeking work that I can maintain, no, I'm not interested in arguing with the 1 millionth person about what is wrong with me or what I need... if no one has figured it out yet, I doubt they ever will. Meanwhile, I'll be keeping to myself trying to figure out a better way.

I want...

    More from my life. I'm tired of being the one they couldn't fix. Im tired of the BS. I still have plenty of tinnitus. But my ears have improved. I'm less dependent on severe sinus. It seems like the shot and the debrox helped. 

Frustration

     I know that there are frustrated people out there. They see someone who apparently had so much help, so many hospitals and counselors and psychiatrists and other people... I know my school didn't want this. That's why I know that there are so very many people that want to see a happy ending, not just me. That's why I'm stubborn about this. I have to see this through. Hopefully, that new job will give me a few hours. I could use the money. But I have to be patient. I have to go slow so that the doctor and the counselor can be sure that I can keep up. 

    I feel like I'm getting psychological whiplash from all this mental manipulation. Getting tired of being told who I am and what I need. I want to see it in action. I want to see the results of all this work. I want to see the medication and the counseling bringing real world results. Not just demonization and rumors. 

    So I'm waiting to hear from the job. Adsense is still a no, try again. I'm told I need to make sure that I'm setting the proper boundaries and giving myself time and space. I know that taking a job that I'm not prepared for is all kinds of stupid. But hopefully, this has one of those happy endings.

Time Alone

    Where was I? Yes, so I've gotten a little annoyed with some of the things I've been hearing, so I decided to keep to myself for a bit. Just until people get tired of talking about my professionals. Find something else to talk about. It's better that way. I'm not sure why I'm so interesting. Really, you should be talking about the guy that used to work under church. He was a piece of work. I get stuck on particulars. I lose patience for nonsense. Then it becomes better that I avoid people that talk. Loose mouths. Life has been peaceful by myself. Just me and the cat. Yeah, I'd like to have someone romantically involved, but that's a story for another time. I'm just glad Elle was there to inspire me. She was such a nice lady. She gave me a good example of what a lady is like. 

Rumor Mills

    It usually starts with technicians or low level workers with loose mouths. Then it spreads to patients and other staff. Before you know it you have a whole hospital repeating bullshit. And that screws up the Healthcare system. Thats why we have hippa. To prevent bullshit from getting started in healthcare.

I'm too sexy for my shrink

Too sexy for my shrink

shrink's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York, and Japan
I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my car
Too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat
What do you think about that?

'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk
Yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk

Too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy
Poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my shrink
Too sexy for my shrink
shrink's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

    I guess I feel like i have to state that I'm not dating my counselors because it's not helpful to imply otherwise. They help me keep my head straight in a complex world filled with people with their own agendas. I do not date them. My communication and mental functioning are not the best, as proven by test after test. Tests done in controlled environments, tests that cannot be faked. Thats why I hope members of the mental health community read this. So that they stand witness to the truth: I'm working on some problems, it's not about my counselors, past or present. It's not about Elle. It's about my mind and how it works or doesn't work.

Spidey

    Spidey duden't get to decide what the udder spiders understand. He weaves his web and he hopes, keeping in mind that circumstances change. He gets frustrated at times. Goes for a crawl in di forest. See the other spiders and animals and he thinks, this is my chance to get my message out. This is when I am heard. Then nothing changes. Spidey keeps crawling and waits for the path to become clearer.

The difference between a fool and an intelligent person is....

    The fool acts with limited information. 

 

Anyways I feel like its better to keep distance until the smoke clears.

Vns implant

 

See the blue is where the implant is and the purple arrow points to the incision.

Making new friends

    Spidey making new friends via social media. Helps me feel connected. Until I find something to say that doesnt seem to ruffle feathers, I just make new friends quietly.

    Adsense refuses to place ads. Says my content isn't deep enough. I think thats bullshit. This is my life! Not deep? I don't get it. It's getting views. They should just take that for what it is. I'll make my own ads. See above. 

    Sometimes, hard times are necessary. It helps to give people perspective on what is truly important. It helps to drive people forward. Like when leaves had to go away. It helped me to make change. It helped me to start seeing some of the things that were not right in my life. Sometimes, being alone is necessary, too. Helps people to focus. for me, I feel like I tried to be there for the kids. They kept me going sometimes. Them, and people like Elle. I don't worry so much about Prichards. Or McClean. I worry what's going to happen down here. Where I am. But I feel like I need some isolation. So that I know what to focus on. I need to figure out how to do this differently. My life has seemed so chaotic and lacking in structure. So driven. So much activity with little rhyme or reason. Less activity, more purpose. 

The Ifs

If I meet the right people I might be able to relax a little. If I get this job, I might breathe a little easier. If two or more people decide to join this advocacy group, I might be able to do something positive. 

Back to what I do know

What I do know is that I need to take care of my living space. I do not want someone taking care of it for me. It makes me feel guilty that i don't do it myself, and thats assuming i could afford to pay them. 

All this medicalized perfection does is drive me to fantasize about shooting myself in the head in front of north wing. The place where medicalized perfection can know no bounds. That's not the direction I want to go in. I want to breathe. Some aspects about the medical system make less then total sense. Perfection is overrated. I hope I haven't gone too far down that road already. I feel like a lemmings. I can't undo the past. But what I can do... is not go down that road.

    Anyways, they don't need to worry about me showing up to emergency rooms unless I'm dead or dying. That's enough bad experiences, no restraining order required. I need to focus. To focus on making enough money to make sure I don't need help. I can't build dreams until I have something better to offer. 

The Hopefully New Job

    I hesitate to mention the new job because I'm waiting to hear. It's another tutoring job. Different company. The old one and I differed on our teaching philosophy. They thought I was doing too much work for the students. I was like, but they're obviously learning. They come back, they ask for me, they do well on tests... nope. They didn't like it. 

 Dear Elle,

    Maybe the time to get better at this was high school. Maybe I'm just good at overthinking. I have to find larger purpose. You know I do pray sometimes. I prayed in MIP, even as the jackals berated me. I prayed in McLean, as I walked the dark halls. Sometimes bad experiences can drive people with the same force and intensity as good ones. I'm reminded of the Count of Monte Cristo, one of my favorite stories. My focus seriously isn't as good as it used to be. 

    I trusted you, I relied on you. You never let me down. You know what I regret? I regret thinking that I had to be the name. So obsessed with how things appeared. Now I find myself rejecting that, running to the solace of the shadows, finding freedom in being unknown because known simply wasn't working out that well. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger.

Ashes

Isolating

    I've actually been isolating to reduce the risk of conflict. Because, as I said, you can always choose not to visit this website, but I hope you will. Constructive feedback is appreciated.  

Vlad

Job: you'll be contacted if you're selected.

Me:

Should I sacrifice a small animal?

 

Di internist is so berry pwoud! Lowest blood sugar on record. Woohoo!

I got some exercise in... all rumors of substance addiction aside, I do struggle with recall, communication, and boundaries. But Im getting better, I hope. Hopefully I can get and keep this contract job and start adsense, because i need the money. So freaking tired of keeping track of things.