Great Song

 

Dark spaces

    The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces. 

    Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

Push

 

    Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another. 

    This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate. 

Looking Forward

     So, today I mostly thought about what I needed to do and did some straightening and self-care. Tomorrow, I need to do my medical appointments, some more straightening, and maybe some writing. I tried to write today but I couldn't focus. Between VNS side effects (trouble swallowing), sinus, stomach, and tired (almost no sleep), it wasn't going well. It used to be easier. Then maybe some content creation or working on my accounting. I practiced guitar some. I really need to get my ADHD meds back in order. I don't know if the internist will be able to cover everything tomorrow. It's only a 20-minute appointment. We'll see.

    I feel like I don't have the desire nor the energy to explain to people about trauma and my communication issues. Just like Leaves and Elle cannot be around me, I cannot be around people who are not able or willing to understand me. I just hope I can thread the needle. I hope I can provide for myself and stay out of people's way until I can find the one who I belong with. I cannot try to force a round peg through a square hole anymore. 

spidey

Dear Spidey,

Patients come and patients go,

but arachnids are special, we all know

we appreciate you even though

our appreciation may knot always show

you have a way with words, it's true

we never knew the core of you

you came here as a larva and grew

And the world shall see your heart anew!

don't give up your legged ways

for there shall come some brighter days!

- Elle

 

    I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

Another thing she said...

 

    Another thing she said was to get out of my head. Now, to me, another way of saying that is less cognitive, less whiteboard like. I'm going to try to practice guitar and paint today. The cat's doing well. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the house. I need to get my mind out of the medical. It just makes the stress worse focusing on the symptoms.

    I know I can't sit around living other people's lives metaphorically. I'm tired of that. I need my own life. 

Trying to be creative

 

    I won't say I'm crazy about cooking, but it's better than sitting around feeling helpless or spending a lot of money eating or eating poor quality food. I'm so tired of these hospitals and I'm trying to apply what I've learned. I added some beans and I'm boiling some brown rice. It's not half bad. I'll put some teriyaki in the rice. 

Stomach Symptoms

    You'd think I'm exaggerating, I know, but not dealing with your problems effectively has consequences. Now it's my chest. It's a burning sensation to the left of the base of the sternum. It resembles symptoms of an ulcer. 

    I need to try to get these physical symptoms under control so I can focus on writing and accounting. It means so much to me to be able to move someone with some quality writing that has more depth then these blog entries. I'm going to do more stretching and yoga, some music therapy.

The Good News

    I think the good news is that what is truly important to me is coming more into focus. I need my own family. I need my own life. I can't simply please the biological family or the corporate one. It's not healthy. I need my own family and social connections. But to get there I need to improve my physical health, my communication, and my organization.

What I come back to again and again...

    I need to communicate more effectively. I need to be direct and decisive with communication. That's why I need to avoid the same people. Because I'm not communicating well. I need to do it better the first time. Because this has really gotten away from me. I'm not being clear. I'm not being firm. And it's been that way for a very long time. This indirect communication is so dysfunctional. It's destroying what little remains of my so-called life. I can't keep doing this.

    Honestly, what makes me Angry is i did not stand up to the hospital or my family when in fact the hospital prescribed spravato, mindwell failed failed failed to check my vitals before releasing me, and the ambulance picks me up and they blame ME. Not spravato, not mindwell, not the prescriber. Im the one who gets threatened and harassed, I never stood up to them, I never spoke the truth, and they bury it and blame me and my counselor. And thats why I cant talk to the hospital or my family. Because they are full of shit. They'll deny it till the end of time, but in fact they are full of shit.

Sick day

 Barely slept at all. Today is a sick day. 🛌 

Shining a Light

    I used to think that Anger was powerful and could drive you to accomplish great things. I used to think that it was energizing and helpful. But now I feel I am only seeing the destructive side of anger. What it can do to people and to dreams. 

    But the best way to fight the destructive sides of anger and recrimination is to shine your light. Everything that is brought into the light becomes a light. I need to shine light. I need positive change. Anger is not enough. Anger can motivate change, but I need to take it in the right direction. Revenge or destructive action will not help me. Meeting threats with tragedy does not help me. 

    I need to create a positive. By making the truth and righteousness in me so impossibly and undeniably obvious. By forcing people to see the good, the lies will die. I will rise above only by showing people in such an obvious and undeniable way that I am a force for good and by cutting out the toxic people. I need to be that change, that strength, that light. I need to shine so brightly that the darkness has nowhere to run to. If I can find a way to do that. If I can find the strength and the means and the will to shine that light so blinding that people can't help but see, then I won't have to worry about the dark and the lies.

    I need to get my physical strength back first, then I need to find a way to shine that light. So bright, so clear, so strong that the darkness has nowhere to hide. 

Direct Communication and Being Assertive

    I feel like I need to reach down deep, find voice inside myself to express more clearly what I need. I need to connect with myself more deeply. That march hospitalization was such an epic clusterfuck. They were never truly listening. And they knew it too. They got so frustrated. I need to be more direct, louder, clearer, firmer. I need to be assertive.

Patience

    I cannot find the patience for this. Particularly with the physical issues going on. It's hard to function. I need to understand what's going on with my sinuses because this CANNOT be normal. I'm having to take severe sinus around the clock without missing a single dose. I do not understand what is going on with my body. I do not understand. It has never been this bad for this long. Something is not right. 

Guitar

 

Enabling

    I've got to stop enabling people by allowing lies to spread. I need to shut down bullshit. I also need to keep my problems more to myself and to communicate better and manage them better. I can't expect people to read my mind. I can't expect them to fix my problems.

Signs of Enabling Behavior and How To Stop

Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

Hospital

     I need to stop focusing on the hospital. The hospital is not a person. It does not know me. It is a bureaucracy. That is by definition its nature. It has not spent long hours with me as my counselor has. Its opinion on my health as far as that opinion contradicts my counselor is worth exactly jack shit. Why I insist on trying to get these people to understand makes absolutely ZERO sense. They don't have the time or resources to spend to figure that out. Definitely not on government insurance. 

    In that way I can be kind to the people there. By recognizing the reality of their limitations as an organization. It's not realistic to expect them to understand. It's just the legal and jail threats that to me are completely unacceptable. The rumors, gossip, and bullshit that they circulate is completely unacceptable to me. To me it is targeting and harassment of its own. 

    So I guess we're even. I contacted a nurse outside the hospital, they circle bullshit about me and make bullshit threats. So we're even. 

    I guess what upsets me most is that I don't shut down the bullshit. And that's on me. We need to be honest and clear with each other.

The Big Day

    Tomorrow is my big day. The body doc and the head doc. I want the internist to check for an infection. Allergies cant possibly be this bad. 🤧 I don't know why I feel the way I do, I just know its not good.but I need to be patient. Rushing my health has never been a good idea. I reached catastrophic coverage, so might as well get it checked out really well. 

Anyways...

    So where was I? Ah yes, Elle. So I guess mentioning her name in the ER was rather stupid. I suppose saying everything I did seems strange. But not exactly a criminal mastermind. But I really have to stop going to these hospitals. It's gotten absurd. I'm tired. 

    Anyways, she took good care. I trusted her. I gave her my name. Not exactly a criminal mastermind. I think it's important to be careful about legalized drugs. How they affect the mind. 

    I'm getting too old for this. I need to meet new people. I need to stay out in the real world.

The Patient that Just Won't Quit...

Me:

Eyeeeeee CCCCCCCCCCC Uuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!

Staff:

Flee for your lives!!!!!!!

Doctor Small

    Dearest Dr. Small,

    Oh, how I adore our moments together—doz precious moments when di world melts away, and we delve into the labyrinthine corridors ob my basal ganglia. A berry delightful dance between vulnerability and aggression! Each analysis feels like a letter in our own little correspondence, where you wield your insights like a fine pen, crafting clarity from confusion.

    Sometimes, I wonder what makes you tick. Or do you prefer flies? Do you ever find yourself caught up in the symphony of emotions that swirl around us? You navigate the intricacies with such grace. It’s comforting to know that while my thoughts may jumble like an old tune on repeat, you're there with your steady hand to help me rewrite the lyrics.

    I cherish our banter about life’s tangled dycophonies—the highs, the lows, the side to sides. You’ve opened up windows to gardens of contemplation I never knew existed. So here's to more moments of introspection and dialogue; let’s explore those uncharted territories together!

    With warmth and anticipation,

    Your Ever-Inquisitive arachnid

Saturday

    Hopefully, It's getting a little lighter in here, because bouncing between doctorss offices, counselors' offices, and hospitals is starting to feel like a medical pinball machine. Today is Saturday, which means that tomorrow is the Christian Holy day. So, thoughts and prayers, y'all!