Sugar Coating

    I can't be nice all the time. It's not possible. Thats why some people shouldn't be around me. Because I can be nice as pie but that can result in enabling abuse or unhealthy behaviors. It can result in bad communication. 

    Now, was it right or safe for a mental health worker at mip to mention the last name of a nurse in the presence of a patient? No. Yeah, I liked Elle. But the worker didn't have to mention her last name when I DIDNT EVEN ASK. Now, I didn't have to look her up. I didn't have to contact her. So, we all make mistakes. 

    I need to focus on getting a job. I need to focus on my writing. I cannot be involved in family dysfunction or bullshit referrals to this center or that center. I just can't. I'm trying to contain my own dysfunction and work it out in time with the outpatient office. Hospitals can be pressure cookers. They're not always an ideal place for problem solving. And I have too much history with the hospitals. 

    I'm doing the writing. I'm working on the painting. I'm taking my meds. I'm watching my expenses. I'm looking for work. I'm looking forward to this being over. It's past time to move on. The hospitals have other people to help. 

Anyways...

 I hope health care professionals are paying attention. Here's a recap:

1. Speak the truth. Don't lie.
2. Don't threaten
3. DO YOUR DAMN JOB RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
4. Don't spread rumors or encourage them
5. Respect the law at all times
6. Demonstrate common sense and compassion. It's what your job is supposed to be about.
7. LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT I AM SAYING TO YOU. HABLE INGLES????
8. TREAT THE ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AS PRESENTED AT THE TIME THEY ARE PRESENTED.
9. Don't engage with family members that have toxic behaviors. You're wasting your time. 

You'll save yourself some embarrassment and extra work.

What you might try

    What you might try is practicing what you preach in these hospitals. Good boundaries. Telling the truth. Proper nutrition and exercise. Not spreading rumors about one of other health care providers. Being ethical. Otherwise, do us all a favor and quit. You embarrass yourselves with your failure and your lies. Because guess what? PEOPLE EVENTUALLY FIND OUT. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But they do find out. Just food for thought. Don't let a few bad eggs spoil the bunch and don't be hypocrites. People figure it out. I'm not getting paid to help you out so you might as well take some free assistance. 

    Remember the old adage: Do it right the first time, you only have to do it once. You stabilize a bad reaction to Spravato without engaging in excessive bullshit, you save yourselves and your coworkers some time. I only have so many metaphors and so much resilience, so hope someone is getting the fucking point. Do your job right or quit. For the love of God, please. 

A Look in the Mirror

     I think any healthcare professional that allows rumors about one of their own to flourish should do the world a favor and quit today. I think any healthcare professional that prefers scapegoats and demonization to doing their job properly should quit today. I think any healthcare professional that takes a paycheck while doing these things need to be retrained or let go. I've been held accountable in my life. I've been trained or let go from time to time. Accountability is a good thing for the system. The idolatry of doctors is not healthy. Making money promoting drugs with faulty numbers can and should be called out (here's looking at you, Malacheck). 

    I'd to thank SCDHEC yet again for taking action on CCBH. I feel that it is necessary to do so. I feel that it is necessary to have health care employees held accountable for thier actions, such as instructing someone to kill themselves, going after their family for 50,000$ of malpractice, and not having a fucking clue or even trying. I think it is necessary. When abuse happens, it needs to be called out. What doesn't kill you only makes you more determined to fight. If I have to go door to door explaining the problems with Greenville county's healthcare system, then that is exactly what I will do. 

    Is it helpful to misdiagnose, mis-prescribe, to lie, to make excuses, to get paid for making the health of patients worse? That is the malpractice. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud right there. I think it needs to be called out. 

    And patients, is it noble to mouth off about things you have absolutely no fucking clue about? No, it is not. HIPPA exists for a reason. It does. Because when bullshit gets started in healthcare, it fucks up the system. Restraint is a necessary quality in any individual. Common sense and knowing when to shut your mouth is a necessary quality. I have made mistakes. Allowing this kind of bullshit in my life was a mistake. And I'll do everything I can to shut it down. So long as I am breathing. So yeah, let's go public. Let the world be the judge of Bad Psychiatry, medication mania, and all the rest. 

    Threatening patients, intimidation, lying, and force medicating all need to be called out. If you can't do your job properly, take a break, take a vacation, take some continuing education, take an ethics refresher. LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR DAMN JOBS PROPERLY. There are plenty of good workers in the system. But as George said, some people should not work in mental health. I'd like to extend that and say some people should not work in healthcare. God complexes. Mandatory vacations, mandatory retirement, mandatory training, these are all good things. Otherwise, do us a favor and quit. 

Goooood MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    I got more sleep last night and it was beautiful. maybe 7 hours. Ironically, today I see the sleep doc and he DOES NOT work for this hospital system. We're thinking about a new CPAP machine because it's due for replacement. I just got fresh supplies so hopefully we'll get a machine that is compatible. The old one makes too much noise and has maintenance issues. 

Medicine

    I feel like what I'm learning about medicine is that it is fast paced. The workers don't necessarily have the time or the patience to help, especially with autism, especially with poor communication, especially with symptoms that don't clearly match a defined illness with a defined treatment plan like these bumps that come up on my skin or emotional dysregulation or memory issues. Life isn't that simple and who has time for some disabled guy that's hard to understand and unstable when there are people with jobs and clearly defined problems and good communication. 

    I'm simply not important enough or likeable enough or with problems that are easily resolved, and it's much easier to blame delta 8 or Spravato and say screw the patient let's jail him rather than solve a problem that isn't easily solved. I'm glad my counselor has a different perspective, or I truly would be screwed. Not because they don't want to help, they simply don't know how. And with my lack of sleep and poor boundaries it's not like it's easy. I just struggle to know what to do when my body hurts, I'm tired, I have trouble keeping up, and I literally have trouble remembering and communicating. 

    At least most of the doctors don't threaten me. That's a plus. 

I guess this is my time to demonstrate that I am strong and determined. I can't hold onto resentment.  Because I can be funny. I've made people happy. But something is different about me. I feel like maybe I made too many mistakes. I need to be careful. Lately there just seems to be bad communication going around. Maybe I'm holding on to too much. 

Shelter in Place

When my hands, they shake, and energy fails

When fear comes hard and fast

When my mind is lost in eternal space

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

When I cannot grasp the words that they say

When my efforts come to naught

When the safe harbor is lost to a serpent race

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

I hesitate to reach for my wrath

For there must be another answer

I search for the clues to find a new path

I cannot fail this time. 

Lost in the doubt and regret that I find

I gather my patience and shelter my mind

I know that I must give more effort and time

When I lack my answers, I shelter in place. 

I fear for the actions my mind commits

I fear for the words I don't say

I watch for the courage to come back in place

But regrettably, I shelter in place

I walk out of my shelter and scream at the sky

and although it does not answer my screams and my cries

When world loses temper and forgets its place

I cry out to God and shelter in place.

 

I wunder if she'll want dat in crickets or flies?

 Spidey just a liddle crayby, nodda lot, just a liddle.

 

Maybe zee legged one was right... maybe zee doctor always wins...

Medicine Men

She walked in silence, small and humble

amongst the glass and rocks...
Her barefoot feet somehow unmarred,

in contemplation of the costs.

She fled her ghosts and repelled their whispers

And walked the long way home.

She called her friends who would not answer

She ran from all that she had known

She ran from all her fears and frights

and watched the ghosts of yesteryears

As they laughed her demons to mockery...

while she shed only invisible tears.

She traveled the path they would not grant her

So stubborn and defiant in her anger and fear

She knelt before the angels and martyrs

and prayed for abatement of this nightmare.

She climbed again and kept her pace

and ignored the voices harassing

She ran to remember the kindest of men

and mourned their violent passing.

She chased the angels as they ascended

Wishing she was one

She left the heroes she had known

for in her sorrow, they now were none.

Doctors

I guess the hospitals felt that they could trust me because I was a doctor's son. I guess I felt could trust them for the same reason. But i guess trust just doesn't work that way. Because I'm not my father. Never was. I used to feel that the hospital was a safety net. That if all else failed, they would help me. Im worried what they would do if I ended up at a hospital again. CCBH. Memorial. Mip. Dangerous.

Honestly

    As much as I don't feel that i do understand whats going on, I feel safer just having reached out to my old friends and members of the mental health community to let them know that I've been in trouble. Even if they don't check the site, just knowing that they are aware that I'm struggling, makes me feel safer, every time I think about it, i feel safer... I think of them out there, calming the waters for me. It gives me a sense of peace.

Presentation

    Sometimes it all comes down to presentation.  Sometimes its not so much the circumstances around you or even what you do. It's the words you choose. The way you say them. The way you choose to smile or not smile. I try to smile. I try to put people at ease. But sometimes even that can be misinterpreted. Sometimes I think I'm missing the point(s). But I need to get sleep before morning. My life is going in strange directions.

Places to move... sweden? Too cold.... italy? Too familiar... new zealand? Theres a thought.

RULE NUMBER ONE: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE SPRAVATO! you tend to end up in ERs that way...

RULE NUMBER TWO: You do not, under any circumstances, repeat names of hospital staff in ERs... its not a pretty pretty picture... they dont like me doing it...

RULE NUMBER THREE: you don't mix humor with medical care. It tends to get misinterpreted.

My head hurts like crazy and I can't sleep. Somehow I regret several things I said and about half of what happened. Oy. I gotta stay out of hospitals. It's really not working out for anyone. I don't get it. They're supposed to help. No, nevermind that. Let's mindfuck. Splendid. Autism is not that freaking hard. Seriously. Demonstrate some compassion. I'll go to bon secours if I have another emergency. Totally not worth the misplaced loyalty.

    You know, it really is a twisted life when you have to spend the next 4 months trying to understand what the heck just happened at the ER.

World getting too complicated... not sure i understand as well as they think

 

 

Elle

 

Miss you

I'm here

Elle

 

Adore you

 

Ok, this batch of explosives goes to the hospital on the eastside.