Weird Ideas Part IV

So yeah... It's not like I picked her because I wanted to hurt her. I picked her because she was young and just a tech and seemed a little naive. I picked her because she was half my weight. I picked her because she seemed to trust me. But in the end, as angry as I was and as much as I wanted to leave, I didn't want to hurt her. Because I like people. She was sweet. Kind. I liked her too much to hurt her. 

Elle was different. Much more aware. Knew me much better. She knew exactly what she was doing in the storage closet.

Weird Ideas part III - Contingency plans

 

    You always have to have contingency plans. This is certainly not meant to be a primer on how to hurt mental health workers, but I get angry sometimes. And I had contingency plans. So they should just be glad. Because part of me would have attacked that woman. Part of me would have dragged her into that room and knocked her out and beaten her if neccessary.  To get that card and get the hell out of dodge. I'm so tired of these places. You don't get much help in these places. I was THERE for treating a bad Spravato reaction. Not bullshit and lies. You prescribed it. Deal with it.

Spidey werkin' on Anger
So he dudent be a danger

Gonna help di doctors learn

So Spidey gets a chance to earn

Sumday he pind black widow too

Hab a nest and breed a few

Move on and have his liddle piece

and maybe find more love and peace!

     I'm trying to do this counseling so I can express myself better but I'm getting too old to be arguing with mental health workers and family about what I need. I'm getting too old to be alone. I can be useful if people WILL LET ME BE USEFUL. I can cook and clean and work if I have the right help and medication and people WILL GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have education in three $&T*#$# fields!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET ME HELP. DON'T THREATEN ME, DON'T LIE TO ME, let me help. And be satisfied with less than perfect. Otherwise, yes, you'll be doing everything and I'll be useless. They call it a right to work state. I'd like to do that. 

Weird Ideas p II - Anger Management

     It was a long time ago and I wasn't getting the right help. I had a lot of anger. Like I said she was young. Maybe mid-twenties. About ten years younger. You spend enough time around places like MIP, you get pushed too hard, you don't express your feelings... things can go in weird directions. There was a hall leading from the unit down to the cafeteria. There was a turn. That was the first marker. You go past there, in the evening... No one can see from the unit... not many workers around... sound doesn't carry that great...

    You spend enough time in these places... you get angry enough...

    By the time you get to the X, and it's evening, and there's no one around but you and some 20 something woman about half your weight who's not even paying attention... either she was brave or foolish. Because she carried one of those key cards. And I was tired of that place. All I needed was my hand over her mouth at the X, drag her into 1 or two, and there's no way in hell she would be able to stop me from getting that damn card and somehow disabling her. These doctors, they make angry walking around like Gods, looking down their noses at people like me. Threatening. Manipulating. Because I'm human too, I'm not getting paid for this BS. They should just be glad that I liked her.

    I didn't want to hurt her. She was nice. They should just be glad. Cuz I'm not stupid. And I can figure things out. She would be in 2, and I would have gone not through the visitor's entrance where they would have seen me, but right back up that hall to the exit marked freedom. No one would have caught me fast enough; I would have been gone. And if she had been smart, she wouldn't have stood in my way. But she was nice. I didn't want to hurt her. 

Meghan smiled last time. She was nice. Gentle. Dats what Spidey likes about his women. Berry gnice. Dey gno Spideys a good arachnid. She's so preddy. Smart. She takes good care. Spidey gnice too. The doctors make spidey nerbus. 

To my awareness

    There was one point i started dissociating really badly. The social worker Kat said that arson was off the team. TO MY AWARENESS she said, he's not part of the team. Later those words came back, and I started walking around repeating them... I wanted to break something. Very badly. 

    Then they wondered why I said I wanted to hurt my counselor. Because I needed her and she was not there to explain to them. Because apparently, I wasn't explaining very well. Instead, I was stuck in that toxic mess, and no one was actually helping me. So, I asked for seroquel because I knew it would calm me down long enough to get out. And once I was out, she could help me. Hopefully the past will only make more sense as time goes on.

Abrupt D/C of Pristiq

    Abruptly stopping a med can be dangerous. Pristiq had been on auto refill. I didn't notice when it wasn't auto refilled. What's more, Walgreens failed to say anything and simply removed it from my meds. Which is I think is completely unethical. Either don't have auto refill or do your damn job. So now I'm having more called in. 

    Unfortunately, the abrupt D/C led to suicidal thinking and flu-like symptoms. I was like what the hell is wrong with me? Life can be crazy. Meds can be... difficult.

Ethics and Healthcare

     Healthy Ethics in Healthcare is important. 

#1 If you do a crappy job, you don't help the patient, and people generally find out

#2 If you don't help the patient, then you burden other providers

#3 If you don't help the patient, it increases the burden on the system and increases costs

    So my healthcare providers and I are helping each other by communicating better. I get healthier, and they have less work to do. Providers that promote a reputation as being MAGIC MAKERS or by demonizing other providers really do shoot themselves in the foot. People find out. The patient doesn't get helped. And you increase costs by stroking your own ego and wallet. 

Healthy Masculinity

     Healthy masculinity is only possible when people are actually listening, when they're not engaging in bullshit rumors and toxicity. Healthy masculinity involves asking for what you need and being strong but not silent. 

    But when people aren't listening and simply slinging lies and being inappropriate, any smart man does the walk away thing. And that's what I did at MIP. I walked away. I found people who were listening at the outpatient providers. The very people who were being slandered and lied about, those are the people who are helping me. Yeah they also prescribed Spravato, which landed me in the ER in the first place. But we live and learn. But anytime my skin is cold and clammy, My heart is going nuts, and I feel like I'm dying, I'm going to call 911, I'm going to an ER, and maybe I won't mention Elle's name, and maybe they'll actually be helpful. But just in case, I'll pick a different hospital. 

All Roads Lead to...

    It's gotten a little bit mixed up along the way. When I was at Mindwell, there was a nurse that also worked at MIP, B. I told her a little about my time at MIP, and how much Elle had helped me. She said, yeah, she married one of the doctors there. I mentioned Arson. She said yeah, that was him. 

    Maybe mentioning Elle's name in the ER was a bit of my undoing... having contacted her outside the hospital. Because when two people get married they tend to live together and well, knowing her contact information, and that she lives just down the road... not exactly conducive to trust. Perhaps creates one of those lack of independence things, which would explain why Arson angrily quit and I ended up with Gullet and McClinton. McClinton was nice but Gullet could barely look at me. I don't remember saying anything of meaning to Gullet. Oh, I told McClinton plenty about doctors and hospitals, not that she enjoyed it. Things get dicey sometimes. This is why I need to stay out of hospitals. We're getting far too familiar. 

    Anyways, we've almost got the meds straightened out. I need more sleep and to avoid triggers and to balance the ADHD med out. Then it's just the communication and getting more work. Staying outta hospitals.

Sugar Coating

    I can't be nice all the time. It's not possible. Thats why some people shouldn't be around me. Because I can be nice as pie but that can result in enabling abuse or unhealthy behaviors. It can result in bad communication. 

    Now, was it right or safe for a mental health worker at mip to mention the last name of a nurse in the presence of a patient? No. Yeah, I liked Elle. But the worker didn't have to mention her last name when I DIDNT EVEN ASK. Now, I didn't have to look her up. I didn't have to contact her. So, we all make mistakes. 

    I need to focus on getting a job. I need to focus on my writing. I cannot be involved in family dysfunction or bullshit referrals to this center or that center. I just can't. I'm trying to contain my own dysfunction and work it out in time with the outpatient office. Hospitals can be pressure cookers. They're not always an ideal place for problem solving. And I have too much history with the hospitals. 

    I'm doing the writing. I'm working on the painting. I'm taking my meds. I'm watching my expenses. I'm looking for work. I'm looking forward to this being over. It's past time to move on. The hospitals have other people to help. 

Anyways...

 I hope health care professionals are paying attention. Here's a recap:

1. Speak the truth. Don't lie.
2. Don't threaten
3. DO YOUR DAMN JOB RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
4. Don't spread rumors or encourage them
5. Respect the law at all times
6. Demonstrate common sense and compassion. It's what your job is supposed to be about.
7. LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT I AM SAYING TO YOU. HABLE INGLES????
8. TREAT THE ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AS PRESENTED AT THE TIME THEY ARE PRESENTED.
9. Don't engage with family members that have toxic behaviors. You're wasting your time. 

You'll save yourself some embarrassment and extra work.

What you might try

    What you might try is practicing what you preach in these hospitals. Good boundaries. Telling the truth. Proper nutrition and exercise. Not spreading rumors about one of other health care providers. Being ethical. Otherwise, do us all a favor and quit. You embarrass yourselves with your failure and your lies. Because guess what? PEOPLE EVENTUALLY FIND OUT. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But they do find out. Just food for thought. Don't let a few bad eggs spoil the bunch and don't be hypocrites. People figure it out. I'm not getting paid to help you out so you might as well take some free assistance. 

    Remember the old adage: Do it right the first time, you only have to do it once. You stabilize a bad reaction to Spravato without engaging in excessive bullshit, you save yourselves and your coworkers some time. I only have so many metaphors and so much resilience, so hope someone is getting the fucking point. Do your job right or quit. For the love of God, please. 

A Look in the Mirror

     I think any healthcare professional that allows rumors about one of their own to flourish should do the world a favor and quit today. I think any healthcare professional that prefers scapegoats and demonization to doing their job properly should quit today. I think any healthcare professional that takes a paycheck while doing these things need to be retrained or let go. I've been held accountable in my life. I've been trained or let go from time to time. Accountability is a good thing for the system. The idolatry of doctors is not healthy. Making money promoting drugs with faulty numbers can and should be called out (here's looking at you, Malacheck). 

    I'd to thank SCDHEC yet again for taking action on CCBH. I feel that it is necessary to do so. I feel that it is necessary to have health care employees held accountable for thier actions, such as instructing someone to kill themselves, going after their family for 50,000$ of malpractice, and not having a fucking clue or even trying. I think it is necessary. When abuse happens, it needs to be called out. What doesn't kill you only makes you more determined to fight. If I have to go door to door explaining the problems with Greenville county's healthcare system, then that is exactly what I will do. 

    Is it helpful to misdiagnose, mis-prescribe, to lie, to make excuses, to get paid for making the health of patients worse? That is the malpractice. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud right there. I think it needs to be called out. 

    And patients, is it noble to mouth off about things you have absolutely no fucking clue about? No, it is not. HIPPA exists for a reason. It does. Because when bullshit gets started in healthcare, it fucks up the system. Restraint is a necessary quality in any individual. Common sense and knowing when to shut your mouth is a necessary quality. I have made mistakes. Allowing this kind of bullshit in my life was a mistake. And I'll do everything I can to shut it down. So long as I am breathing. So yeah, let's go public. Let the world be the judge of Bad Psychiatry, medication mania, and all the rest. 

    Threatening patients, intimidation, lying, and force medicating all need to be called out. If you can't do your job properly, take a break, take a vacation, take some continuing education, take an ethics refresher. LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR DAMN JOBS PROPERLY. There are plenty of good workers in the system. But as George said, some people should not work in mental health. I'd like to extend that and say some people should not work in healthcare. God complexes. Mandatory vacations, mandatory retirement, mandatory training, these are all good things. Otherwise, do us a favor and quit. 

Goooood MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    I got more sleep last night and it was beautiful. maybe 7 hours. Ironically, today I see the sleep doc and he DOES NOT work for this hospital system. We're thinking about a new CPAP machine because it's due for replacement. I just got fresh supplies so hopefully we'll get a machine that is compatible. The old one makes too much noise and has maintenance issues. 

Medicine

    I feel like what I'm learning about medicine is that it is fast paced. The workers don't necessarily have the time or the patience to help, especially with autism, especially with poor communication, especially with symptoms that don't clearly match a defined illness with a defined treatment plan like these bumps that come up on my skin or emotional dysregulation or memory issues. Life isn't that simple and who has time for some disabled guy that's hard to understand and unstable when there are people with jobs and clearly defined problems and good communication. 

    I'm simply not important enough or likeable enough or with problems that are easily resolved, and it's much easier to blame delta 8 or Spravato and say screw the patient let's jail him rather than solve a problem that isn't easily solved. I'm glad my counselor has a different perspective, or I truly would be screwed. Not because they don't want to help, they simply don't know how. And with my lack of sleep and poor boundaries it's not like it's easy. I just struggle to know what to do when my body hurts, I'm tired, I have trouble keeping up, and I literally have trouble remembering and communicating. 

    At least most of the doctors don't threaten me. That's a plus. 

I guess this is my time to demonstrate that I am strong and determined. I can't hold onto resentment.  Because I can be funny. I've made people happy. But something is different about me. I feel like maybe I made too many mistakes. I need to be careful. Lately there just seems to be bad communication going around. Maybe I'm holding on to too much. 

Shelter in Place

When my hands, they shake, and energy fails

When fear comes hard and fast

When my mind is lost in eternal space

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

When I cannot grasp the words that they say

When my efforts come to naught

When the safe harbor is lost to a serpent race

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

I hesitate to reach for my wrath

For there must be another answer

I search for the clues to find a new path

I cannot fail this time. 

Lost in the doubt and regret that I find

I gather my patience and shelter my mind

I know that I must give more effort and time

When I lack my answers, I shelter in place. 

I fear for the actions my mind commits

I fear for the words I don't say

I watch for the courage to come back in place

But regrettably, I shelter in place

I walk out of my shelter and scream at the sky

and although it does not answer my screams and my cries

When world loses temper and forgets its place

I cry out to God and shelter in place.

 

I wunder if she'll want dat in crickets or flies?

 Spidey just a liddle crayby, nodda lot, just a liddle.

 

Maybe zee legged one was right... maybe zee doctor always wins...

Medicine Men

She walked in silence, small and humble

amongst the glass and rocks...
Her barefoot feet somehow unmarred,

in contemplation of the costs.

She fled her ghosts and repelled their whispers

And walked the long way home.

She called her friends who would not answer

She ran from all that she had known

She ran from all her fears and frights

and watched the ghosts of yesteryears

As they laughed her demons to mockery...

while she shed only invisible tears.

She traveled the path they would not grant her

So stubborn and defiant in her anger and fear

She knelt before the angels and martyrs

and prayed for abatement of this nightmare.

She climbed again and kept her pace

and ignored the voices harassing

She ran to remember the kindest of men

and mourned their violent passing.

She chased the angels as they ascended

Wishing she was one

She left the heroes she had known

for in her sorrow, they now were none.

Doctors

I guess the hospitals felt that they could trust me because I was a doctor's son. I guess I felt could trust them for the same reason. But i guess trust just doesn't work that way. Because I'm not my father. Never was. I used to feel that the hospital was a safety net. That if all else failed, they would help me. Im worried what they would do if I ended up at a hospital again. CCBH. Memorial. Mip. Dangerous.

Honestly

    As much as I don't feel that i do understand whats going on, I feel safer just having reached out to my old friends and members of the mental health community to let them know that I've been in trouble. Even if they don't check the site, just knowing that they are aware that I'm struggling, makes me feel safer, every time I think about it, i feel safer... I think of them out there, calming the waters for me. It gives me a sense of peace.