Collecting

    I believe I've collected enough labels, enough aborted careers, enough hospitals and centers. I need stability. That's what I need. I need space and independence. I need to slow down and decrease the sensory input. I need centering. I do not need to speed up. Most definitely not. I do not need to keep jamming square pegs through round holes. I'm entirely too complicated. I need to simplify. The solution is not to go back to MIP or Springbrook or CCBH or find an entirely new place to fail at. The solution is to be grateful for the time and effort put in by so many. I am grateful for what MIP has done I am grateful for the time and effort put in by so many health care workers to help me move forward. I find bipolar to be unhelpful diagnosis. Regardless, I take the medication for the symptoms I do have.

Focus on the Positive

     I need to focus on what's right with me, not all of the things people perceive to be wrong, otherwise it's a never-ending litany of accusations and counteraccusations. So, for now, people get my words, until I understand better how to give them what they want. I'm so sick of the carousel of blame. 

    It's time to breathe, separate, wish well, and find my own way. Otherwise, I might as well write myself an invitation to prison and reserve a cell. Maybe one next to that guy that sent the documents. We can have a good old chat.

    Sometimes people are just bad in combination. Sometimes they need time away. I'll stay squeaky clean, so that no one finds excuses to interfere in my life. 

Medicaid

    It's frustrating for me that Congress decided to cut Medicaid. MIP is a Medicaid facility. I've seen these hospitals. They need the money. They need it. I think if we don't do it for the patients we should do it for the hospitals that need the money. I may not be the one people want to listen to on this but I've seen the problem extensively. Me, myself, I need to stay out. I've been in them too much. But there are people that depend on quality healthcare. I think they should get it. I think I should stay to myself until I manage to be productive without people threatening with jail and stuff and creating bullshit rumors about drug addiction and my counselor that I should have shut down a very long time ago. 

    Some young people, they don't have the sense to understand what years of problems can do to a person because they aren't old enough and haven't been through enough. But I know. Cuz I've been to hospital after hospital, and I've gotten a list of my chart so long that I just want to be left alone until I stop around and around in my head about which problem came from where and whose fault it is. 

    I don't want to blame the health care workers. They work long shifts. 12 hours oftentimes. Sometimes even more. But I'm tired of all the back and forth. And I think so are they. 

Using words

     I want to contribute when I'm thinking clearly, and my mind is crisp. Otherwise, there's mistakes, and particularly in certain fields mistakes have consequences. It's not to say that I'll never be productive, but I can't be productive and screw up. It's not how you do good work and keep working. I'm good with words they say, I should use them. 

    There was someone that wanted me to use my words for him. I was not able to. He was a convicted murderer being beaten by prison guards and denied effective medical care. So many visits to the infirmary. He sent me some documents and then the Department of Corrections contacted me, told me to stay out of it. I met him through a woman on a dating site. I wasn't really feeling in a position to take on the Dept of Corrections. I looked at the documents. There were definitely a lot of infirmary visits. I wasn't exactly planning on being an investigative reporter. Maybe I intimidate easily. But then again he stood up in a court of law and admitted he murdered someone. Not exactly the first person I would help. Not against the department of corrections. 

Nutrition in Hospitals

    Getting Proper nutrition in a Hospital can be difficult. They don't always have the best options. I liked that SpringBrook made such an effort to separate the vegetarian option from the regular options and was diligent about advertising and providing those options. I liked that MIP had such advanced nutrition education. I've developed GERD, hyperglycemia and idiopathic constipation, so I think it's important to pay attention to diet. 

    Personally, Brown rice is one of my favorites. I also consume a lot of whole grain bread. I've gotten better with the veggies. I'm doing the Kale smoothies with the Chia seeds. I don't honestly get that bored with a consistent diet. I like consistency. Too many choices create risk, and my dx list is becoming a mile long. 

    I have been frustrated. But the shut up and learn from those who do better hasn't been working. So I'm being more selective. I've been a little slow to decrease expenses. But so many people making suggestions, I've had to isolate AND reduce expenses and it's beginning to look a lot like Hobo around here. 

    I need to focus on keeping my cat and my environment clean. I definitely over relied on medication. It's frightening what can become of a person lost in a system. Given my low energy and focus and all of the pent up and unspent emotions from all these years dealing with mental illness that simply has not been managed well enough, I'm going to have to hyper focus on what I need. So that I can contribute to society. It feels like chaos. This job to that job to this hospital to that center. it doesn't make sense.

    The poor cat got sick. We're keeping our spirits up. 

Orientation

    I'm trying to orient to my new reality. The one in which MIP thinks I'm a drug addict and we keep moving dx's around. I mean, they're just labels. But I'm finding that this whole remote thing is working better for me. I show up only when absolutely necessary, and they don't have to fuss and freak so much. I just do the check in's, I look for work, I do the healthy eating at home (much more possible), I do the meds by myself so long as walgreens manages to not **** up... everything is groovy. I ignore symptoms I can't make sense of, like weird headaches, body sensations, that thing with my left shoulder that the internist couldn't figure out with the bumps... I reduce expenses, I go lean... I try to exercise and get more sleep, take very careful care of my sinuses. I stay positive. 

    It's my new reality. Broke, stuck with disability, not likely to hold a job at the rate I'm going, but still trying. Trying to get adsense with the program. Trying to keep my meds filled, waiting for those tax refunds... keeping positive and running my life on a shoestring budget, hoping the price of groceries doesn't go up, letting the cat keep an eye on me. 

    Walgreens needs to update their systems. Some of the communications are patently false. Which is part of how I ended up in the ER begging for a prescription. I'm stuck with the meds. I have to take them. The labels have been independently confirmed multiple times, so unless you guys have a new idea, maybe we stop trying to force a round Bipolar on a square DID? Just sayin'...

    It was really interesting meeting that patient observer. She was really nice. Told me this story. She broke up with her boyfriend, he shot the kids and grazed her with a bullet before lying them side by side and shooting himself. She survived. Ain't that F*ed. Some story. She started in the kitchen but they decided she was too valuable and had her start working with patients. Name started with an O. She looked maybe a few years older then me. First she said she wasn't married, then she's married but they are rather independent, do their own things but together. Sounds like they have their personal space worked out. It took me a while to start to talk to her. Nurse graduated Clemson. Barely spoke but she was nice. 

    I didn't know what to expect from Dr. Darcy this time. She was quiet. It was the most routine ER visit I've ever had. There seemed to be one man in pain. I didn't want to rock the boat so I kept to myself. 

    Reminded me of the time I showed up to the ER asking if I was manic. Dr. W. Said no, you're not manic you're depressed. A patient tried to come in my room and I practically flew to the opposite wall. 

A Liddle Higher

 Spidey is a good Spider... instead of getting angwy, he gets a liddle higher...

 

See me?

     Allright. Starting fresh again. Yet again. I feel like the decrease in sinus symptoms has allowed me to use the CPAP machine more, which helps my sleep and therefore my energy and just about everything else. I think the problems with my sinuses have been key and overlooked, but the shot and the debrox seemed to help. The change in diet and the isolation seemed to help. I need to hyperfocus on maintaining diet, exercise, CPAP, and meds, otherwise I'm no good to anyone. 

    This experience has been extremely humbling and distressing. I've felt somewhere between the metamorphosis and the invisible man. I only hope I can maintain my health, because I want to contribute. I need cleanliness, patience, discipline.

    I've tried to be honest on this website about mental health. It's taken a few detours and it's not always been pretty, or anywhere close to it. I miss feeling like I had a crew. Having an independent voice is isolating. I have not enjoyed the experience. Trying to inspire others in a world of differing views is a strange business. 

    I feel disingenuous if I'm always positive and full of hope. I try to be honest, and that doesn't always allow for painting in the brightest colors. What's most disturbing to me has been the shifting of loyalties as I've said more and more. All I'm saying is what has happened. It's gotten so extremely personal. It makes me wonder how you can be personal with someone and still be their friend. 

    I like to lift others up, even by admitting fault. I don't want to be the perfect one. It's not realistic. I'm definitely not perfect, I'm not actually well liked.

    What I learn about people sews doubt. It's easier to be closed, play it tough. So much easier. To say nothing at all. I've tried to hold back. I've tried to be nice. When you say all the right things, you play along, life goes right smooth. Where is that middle ground between too open and too closed?

    When I started the website, I thought maybe I would still be able to relate, while telling the truth. I feel like I was living a false life, just playing along. Living in a fantasy. All the volatility and the isolation, is it coming full circle? They keep asking me about paranoia. As if wanting to have a voice in your own health care is paranoia. And low and behold, my physical health has gotten better with me having that voice. But I don't like the pushback. I feel a chilling effect when truth comes out. 

    I do feel betrayed. And the world is going to have to let me feel betrayed. They should have asked me why. They should have given me a chance to explain my actions. Now I'm paranoid because they don't want to hear. I don't think it's paranoia to be afraid when people threaten you with jails and restraining orders for showing up to a hospital with a bad reaction to Spravato. I don't think that's paranoia. I think it's a very realistic fear. 

    What I would have understood is if in March they had a talk with me about maybe spravato is too risky for you. That would have made sense. And I had some poor judgement around Elle with the contact and the mentioning her name. It's funny how when I used to just play cards and go to the classes and take the drugs everything was fine and dandy. I try to have a say in my own healthcare, and I make one mistake with a nurse and the tables turn. I was following Prichards and the doctors' medical advice the whole time. That never changed.

    I need to find my humor and hold onto it. I need to do this because I am grateful for the care of the workers that put in long hours and demonstrated compassion. I need to be my own light in the world and communicate better. I hope that I can do that. Hopefully, my writing and my work in accounting can do more for the world then my actual presence has seemed to do.

Life can get dark. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Sometimes people move on. It doesn't mean they didn't care. It just means they can't be there anymore. Sometimes caring gets out of hand. People can be addictive like that. There's an addiction I can understand.

Self imposed isolation

    I feel that self-imposed isolation can be helpful. It's really not been working out socially. It just seems like my communication has not been up to my environment. I want to contribute positively to the world. Thats why I stay away. Because I want to remember the positive and stop creating negative. I can't hit life's speed bumps at 100 mph. I need to be deliberate. I feel sad that I can't be with people I care about. It makes me even more sad to think I've let them down. They said I was good with words. So I'm sharing only my words as much as possible. I'm trying to sculpt those words to make them even better. I want people to remember the good things because I struggle to know what to do. I need to be humble. I need to offer the best of me. So I'm working on my words. Trying to find the right ones, so that when the moment is right, I can give them. I feel like half of what I've said has led me the wrong paths. I need to look within and find those gold nuggets beyond the labels and the drugs. I want to offer the best of myself all the time. Surely there is more. I cant let my legacy be a poem on a wall in a mental hospital like some demented I was here statement. I can't go to more centers and institutions. I need to find the right words. I want to make sure I am giving my best. 

I need to turn a corner. I need some normalcy. I'm trying to focus on here and now. 

 

Interest you in a glass of A, my dear?

zee left wing is a little sensitive. (Vhy do I always have to explain twice?)

 

    Nonono, we didn't feed her invisible pills. Jess, stop disappearing while the internist tries to examine you.

 

Zee legged one distracts them while I fly you out back, yes?

The Gap

    When I was on Spravato I was not working. Things had gotten bad with my families. The biological and the corporate. We weren't seeing eye to eye about Prichards and Clozaril. But it seems we've gotten past that. I think. Then we had to resettle the meds and argue about THC and Spravato. Supposedly now we're moving on. I spend so much time just documenting what I'm doing now. I like feeling more in touch with my emotions and more open with people.

    I feel this yearning to be productive vocationally. I'm excited for the kids. They've got important stuff going on. I need to get some traction with my communication. Especially my auditory communication. I wanted to be heard on my concerns about my healthcare. It seems I've done that. So now I need to focus.

Offerings

        Well, hopefully I can please my angels. I applied for another tutoring job. I'm researching some remote work. I've got my car in for maintenance. Tomorrow I'm going to focus on looking at those jobs and cleaning some more. I think I'll try to add some more uplifting posts. Maybe adjust my perspective. All these memories about health care and personal differences is getting tiresome. I need some humor. 

    It's just weird being around health care workers these days. It used to be I was just another patient but there's always something in the air. Like a vibe. There's so much in people's eyes. I can tell I make some of them nervous. Maybe it's not so different. Maybe it was always like that. Then I missed my sleep doc appointment. I hate that. I'm so embarrassed to even contact them now. I get preoccupied. I need to regiment my routine better. March really shook me. I need to refocus my priorities again. Get this job thing locked down. 

Let's see...

Tasks

Health

sleep doctor
continue my reinvigorated exercise routine

turns out I'm low on bupropion... fill that one

schedule dentist

Work

Apply to tutoring job #1 - waiting to hear back

Apply to tutoring job #2 - waiting to hear back

Review Business plan - in progress

Social Networking - in progress

Writing/Art

The Messenger - work on character sketches not started

Tales of the Attick - brainstorm new ideas

The Watchers - continue next installment

Finish my impressionism painting

Receive drawing supplies I ordered

Update site

House/car

Sort more items for donation and put in spare room

Clean kitchen

Install new toilet seat

Call habitat store to schedule new pickup for old sofa

vacuum

repair old laptop

Laundry

Mind and Spirit

Find some humor

read some more

Try new recipe

Research 501(c)(4) some more

Surveys

    Now this I find funny. I guess I've really gotten a reputation. The hospital system contacted me the very next day not just once, but three times. The first time was a text survey about my ER visit. The second time was a phone call inquiry on the quality of my visit. The third time was an automated voice survey about the quality of my visit. 

    Honestly, I could have let the female nurse do the catheter and she probably would have been gentler. Ironically, I thought I'd be crossing fewer lines if males did it. It wasn't the first time I'd had a catheter. That first coma. Before I went into it. The female nurse did the catheter just fine that time. She did it more gently. But that was '98. Anyways! 😳

Dealing with Emotions

     What I do like about this middle ground finding thing is that I feel more peace and I feel more connected to myself. I don't always feel connected to other people. I have gotten a lot of advice. I like that I think about electronics less. I still use them a lot, but they are less of a preoccupation. I feel that I'm seeing medication more realistically. I feel that my compassion is actually increasing. I was always angry; it was just a medicated angry. 

    Now the emotions are more obvious, and that scares people. They think that they can drug or talk or explain away the anger and the issues, but life just doesn't work that way. I have to actually deal with my problems. I feel like part of that is having really honest communications with health care professionals and budgeting more carefully. Handling trust and relationships differently. Not hiding so much. Which is why I do these posts. So, people can see the reality behind the chaos. Otherwise, it's just confusing. 

     You know, I actually liked this Dr. Darcy the second time around. She was quiet and gentle, like Meghan. That's not always easy in an ER. I'm kind of glad they had me talk to several people. It gave me a better perspective of the ER. I saw things differently. It was refreshing. And the Observer told me a little about some of the people that worked at the ER. Not names of course. But it made them seem more human. And that's what I wanted. For us to all seem human.

Labels

    I'm trying to keep a cohesive memory. So, I've been spending time reviewing what's happened. I'm actually surprised the ER visit went so well. I did have some intrusive thoughts on the way out. But I found them easy to ignore. It was just some of the anger coming back to me. They were nice though. 

    I guess when I was little, they really were like family because my dad worked there. I felt like they liked me better before I grew up and developed mental illness. I wanted to be successful so that they would be proud, I guess. Part of me still looks for them to be proud. I feel like life is supposed to look different when you come from a doctor's family. People expect it to look different. 

    It was weird to see dr. darcy again. They asked me about Bipolar and paranoia again. I'm tired of talking that stuff. The whole point of these labels is to describe people's problems accurately so that they can deal with them better. But if the damn meds don't work and the label becomes a regurgitating talking point, what the heck is the point? Anyways, I take the meds. I can't reinvent the wheel every 6 months. 

She said

     If I really wanted to hurt hospital workers, would I go around telling everyone about it? I think not. And you can assume many things about Elle, but all I said was that I was her guardian angel, and if she needed anything, to find me. Do I actually expect her to come find me? No. But it's called gratitude. A strange way to express it, maybe. People make all sorts of assumptions. And if you're wondering, she did exactly what she was supposed to do. She knew I was a patient, because I told her who I was. 

    She said nothing at all. 

Communication

So I'm still working on communication. Trying to make sure that I'm saying what I mean and meaning, what I say. I need to improve my emotional regulation and avoid making extreme statements. When I get very triggered, it's like a flood of words. The patient observer in the hospital told me that she had 7 personalities.

I had not mentioned that I have did. She describes her personalities for me and described how she copes with life. She also shared with me the origins of her trauma. It was inspiring to talk to her.

I'm told some things are permanent. I'm trying to figure out how much.