Focus

This time spent alone has helped in some ways. I gained back a little weight, the digestive symptoms calmed down, and I feel more clarity from this time to think. It's making more sense. Screening my communications has been helpful as well. I feel less confusion with fewer voices. It's not that I don't like people, I just need the clarity of the quiet.

Continuing...

I'm still looking for part time work. I'm trying to minimize and carefully filter my social contact so my life can be less confusing and scam free. I think my health care providers would appreciate fewer people messing with me. It gives them less work to do. Like Artstick said, can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. The less chaos, the better.

Wrapping up my life of Crime

Hopefully, I'll be working again very soon. I'm tired of healthcare. Only now I'm due to see the dentist! *sigh*

Patience

    Life gets confusing sometimes, and I see the effect of a lot of bad communication. So, I'm trying to exercise patience and humility as I try to wrap up clearing up this healthcare situation and seek work. I'm trying to be very deliberate and selective in my communications so that I'm not misinterpreted. I knew communication was important, but it's absolutely amazing what miscommunication can do. Choosing words carefully is something I'm going to focus on. I'm going to present my best self, and hopefully that will lead to good things. Otherwise, I'm going to need a lot of metaphors. 

Laughter

    I'm trying to work on some more funny stories for people, because I do believe that laughter is great medicine. Life gets too serious sometimes, we need something to laugh about to break it all up and be able to breathe. I know that's true for me. I need to laugh a little. 

Interview

    I'm interviewing for a new job today. I hope it works out. 

 Some of the things that people hate about me are some of the things i like the most. I like to avoid large social gatherings with the formalities, fakeness, the schedules and the shows. I like the substance beneath it all. They said when in Rome do as the Romans do. But that phrase leaves out the obvious: Rome fell. Societies come and go. Tying your horse to a group of people is only worthwhile in that it serves a purpose. 

The Answer

I honestly would have liked clozaril to have been "the answer" for me. It might have saved me some heartache and grief. But experience and feedback tell me otherwise. Sometimes medicine isn't that simple. Sometimes a medication that appears to be a fit at one time does not in fact resolve problems at another point in time. I liked the idea of having a formula for my life. It was a beautiful idea. 

Serenity

    I dunno, I get the feeling that I'm a little bit short on serenity. I don't know if I strike people as being laid back, but I'm not. I get frustrated. I've felt so driven. I get the urge to rub pennies together as if they might start a chain reaction and multiply. 

    Very strange, the world. Very strange. My life is seriously not as exciting as most people seem to think. Like because my parents had a fancy house I have it made. I do not. Not even close. I have to ask questions too. Questions like, will I be able to pay for food? Will I have a home? Will i have a job? I have to ask questions like that. And thats not actually a new thing. God forbid social security does decide to cut disability, then I'm well and truly fucked. It's really funny unless it's your life. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll have a home. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll be able to eat. Then it stops being funny. It doesn't seem like the people who know me consider for 50 seconds how close I am to oblivion. I'm just one bad day away from a really bad situation. I don't have a safety net. No golden parachute here. No parachute period. Can't even get ads on my writing site.       They scam me for money. The guy thats broke. Makes a whole Lotta damn sense. We've got millionaires in this city but no they take my money when I can barely pay for food. Makes a whole lotta damn sense. 

    But no maybe I just worry too much. I'm sure thats it. I'm sure I have no problems. Carefree. Yep. No problems here. Million dollars under the floor. 3 secret mansions.  The IRS will never catch me. Ha. Ha. Ha. HA.

If March Taught Me Anything...

    I was wandering through the untethered confusion of the aftermath of 2022 as best I could (which, some would say, was not well at all), when I landed in that ER after the Spravato treatment. What a jolt that was. I have not felt safe since then, but I'm able to sleep now. This is part of how the contractor convinced me to buy the security system for the home that I live in. I had never felt the need for security before. It's always been one of the safest neighborhoods. Now I arm the security sometimes 24/7. Another bill to pay. My sense of certainty has diminished drastically. I doubt what I know. The doubt what I've done. It hasn't even been that eventful, I didn't think. I didn't think I was important enough to be noticed. I felt like it took a lot of nerve to go back to that ER. It did feel a bit surreal and mechanical. I learned a bit about power dynamics that month. I learned what happens when you attract the wrong attention. Maybe it was silly of me to think it would be any different. But I thought by being quiet and following the letter of the law I would be ok. I was wrong. I was very wrong. I'm looking for the faith inside myself. I'm not sure what the world wants. I'm trying to find out. I'm trying to communicate better. I'm trying to be realistic. I cannot over rely on medication. I cannot fight the system because I will lose in a heartbeat. I cannot possibly be that intelligent if I can lose at life so badly as to be in this situation at my age. 

Corners of the Mind

Closer the walls and harder the task
Alone again, I scream at the glass

Closing in, the mocking faces

Here I am, in the same old places...

Running faster than I can think

Making choices between every blink

Into the fear and righteous anger

I'm from one into another danger

Where do I go when the last castle falls?

Where do I go when the goaler calls?

Where did I come from that I came to here?

What do I do when I'm lost in my fear?

    I'm reminded of the old saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

    For me, that means going back to the same people, the same career paths, the same medication, expecting different results. It doesn't matter which drugs I try; I've tried so many. It doesn't matter which way I word the same things to the same people; they're still going to act the same regardless, it doesn't matter how I repackage my accounting and technology services, that ship has sailed. 

    I can't keep jamming a square peg in a round hole. My auditory communication is not great. It never has been. And it's gotten worse with the VNS. Some people don't like to communicate in writing. That became an issue in 2020 especially. It still is. 

    That's why my counseling is so important. It really helps with communication and executive skills. The Psychiatrists have made up their minds about me. I'm never going to change that. The drugs won't change that. My poor auditory communication won't change that. 

    I do have to be realistic. I do have very real limitations. Thats why I need to be careful (in Psychiatrist speak "paranoid"). Because I could trust the wrong people, I could make bad decisions, I could go the wrong way. I've already gone so many steps down that road. I'm broke. I've been medicated out the wazoo. I've seen doctors all over the east coast. I have to slow this down. I need to be careful. Deliberate.

    Otherwise, it's one long train of disaster after disaster. I can't afford more mistakes. Theres that old saying about how in life we occasionally fall down and get back up, only that as we get older, we get up faster. Compare that to MIPs poem about falling in a hole on the same street, and eventually choosing to go down a different street. Ive gone down a few different streets... different jobs, homes, hospitals, doctors, but I keep falling into holes. I gotta make sure im not falling into the same holes again. Thats why I have to slow it down and think. I have to be a little paranoid now, so I don't fall into the wrong hole. Because I may not get back out the next time. I'm getting too old for this. I'm running out of time. 

Tiktok Scam

    Well, I guess I never learn. But these criminals think of everything. It starts with harassment. A bogus offer. Before you know it you're being threatened. At the end, you're out the money, stressed and humiliated. This is how social media scams work. 

    This one came from a tiktok account claiming to be associated with Stoll, Keenon, Ogden, PLLC. from Lexington, KY. Claiming to be an artist. The Scam was for $400. 

    Here's how it worked:

    She contacted me out of the blue claiming to be interested in a photo of mine. She was an artist, she said, and wanted to make a painting of the photo. All she needed was my permission to use the photo.    

    Yeah, right. A long and very intense back and forth later, she had repeated threatened to call the police on me for cashing the check and refusing to follow her increasingly bizarre and aggressive instructions to send money to other people. At the end i sent the full $400 and told her to leave me alone. She did not. I had to call 911 and talk to mauldin police, who instructed me to block all communications from her numbers and accounts. She still persisted, and then the check bounced, leaving me out $400 and a long of stress and harassment. I have followed with the FBI and am preparing to file a report with local police. 

    BEWARE OF ANYONE ON SOCIAL MEDIA MAKING OFFERS. DO NOT ACCEPT CHECKS FROM PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW, EVEN IF IT LOOKS LIKE A LEGIT CHECK. I was stupid to fall for it. But I was short on money and now I'm even shorter and I have to file a police report. Be careful of Stoll, Keenon, Ogden, PLLC. They are passing bad checks and threatening people with arrest. 

Sleepwalking

    I'm trying to slow this down. This is like sleepwalking from one decision to the next. The sleep itself has improved, even though I haven't gotten my sleep equipment. The isolation has helped my blood pressure and anxiety. I had too many people in my mind, trying to mess with things they didn't understand or had no business fooling with in the first place. The internist really seemed to hit the nail on the head with the shot and recommendations. I swear, everything that MIP manages to fuck up, the outpatient people help me clean up. Completely different meds and recommendations. 

    But my mental state has not been perfect. The meds have sedated away the restlessness. My focus and mental presence remain sketchy. I'm waiting on the insurance to approve the Vyvanse, but I doubt it will be a game changer. I need to make more measured decisions, more careful decisions. This has been a bit of a three-ring circus. 

    I've taken down the business website until I can make sure of my ability to deliver upon the promises. I can't afford any more screwups. I feel like the doctors are so eager to sweep under the rug the screwups with Prichards that they will find any distraction or diversion to change the conversation. I did idolize the man, but we went through so many drugs and combinations and dosages outside of guidelines that I'm not sure what that did to my mind. 

    I know the psychiatrists and doctors want to believe in their colleague the magic maker and all his skills, but it's dangerous to do so. It's dangerous to pretend as if these drugs don't have risks. I don't think it's safe to drug lightly. I don't think it's safe to use so many meds in combinations off label and outside of guidelines. I don't think it's safe to recommend THC and Spravato and then blame the patient for the results. We got here together. I have to mentally untangle it. I have to call attention to these dangers because I want people to be safe.

    I felt like going back to memorial and their psychiatrists was something I had to do. I felt that I could not predict how my mind would handle having no one to manage the medication. I had been on medication since the age of 10. It did not seem like a good idea to stop taking medication suddenly, and the internist was not prepared to take on the task, or so he said at the time. 

    But it leads me to question so many events and circumstances of my life. How exactly did I become a walking science experiment? How did I get to this point?

The Space Between

Canyons and valleys

I can't reach you out there

With all the space between

Maybe life is suffering

But I thought there was more.

I've seen it here and there

Those other things I mentioned

It never lasts too long

And then I'm back again. 

I have to go away

In order to come back

I have to find a way

To find all that I lack.

Come find me in-between 

I'll save a place for you

We'll write our own brave story

And finally make it true.

Age

    People tell me that I look younger than I actually am sometimes. Growing up, I was an idealist. I did have confidence, outwardly at least. I come to realize in this dispute of mine over diagnoses that, regardless of the details, medication can only do so much. It's been quite a distraction, trying to understand what exactly the different medications are doing and what they aren't doing. 

    When I got diagnosed with the DID thing, I thought it was a chance to reinvent myself, to improve my life, but it hasn't quite turned out that way. Instead, I find myself brushing up against barriers that I was either unaware of or was trying to ignore. Ironically, I passed the CPA exam but it expired a good long while ago. I'm feeling my age in moving slower, responding slower, not having the same endurance. I have to be realistic. I don't know who I thought I was. But it's become clear I've been expecting too much from medication. 

    I feel like I've overestimated myself and seen life unrealistically. It's hard to unhear and unsee, it's hard to unknow. I think I need to reach into myself and find that inner solace to quiet my thoughts and simplify my life. My mind is too curious. It wants to tap all the wells. I need to be careful. My cat may have nine lives, but I think I have fewer. I came back from two comas, maybe I shouldn't push my luck. 

    I like to see the younger people taking a turn. Maybe they can do more than I could. I'm still looking for some part time work. I think Accountec is going to have to focus on the teaching, which is what I originally wanted to do with my accounting. I'm not sure what that looks like at this point. Social systems simply aren't easy to navigate. They are everywhere. I find writing much easier then actually talking. Strange how that works. Of course, it doesn't help that this implant makes talking a bit more difficult than I anticipated. Just another example of me overestimating medicine. 

    Every time I think I know what to do, someone or something proves me wrong. I should have been a simpler person. 

Dear Readers,

    I truly lack the ability to fully grasp the how's and why's of the past 28 years. But as the days go by and I see the effects of it all, it leads me to doubt the future. I feel the need, for my own wellbeing and safety, to step back more. I'm not honestly sure at this point where my confidence came from. Was it youth? Was it the medications? I don't feel that confidence anymore. I don't feel as durable. 

    I've expressed parts of me that I had kept more hidden, here for the world to see. Honestly, I was worried I was running out of time. I was worried that something might happen. Instead, it's been more of a slow sinking feeling. Seeing the contrast between the world as I see it, my internal world, and the world out there has been jarring. I'm tired of arguing with doctors. As much as I'd like to be right about myself, I'm tired of arguing. I'd hate to be like the NYC shooter guy and be like, study my brain after I die and find out the truth, but seriously, is it worth arguing? I'm leaving it alone. 

    My focus has not been great. Unfortunately, I can't fake it till I make it on that. Whether it's ADHD or whatever, I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to push the bounds of modern medicine any further. I'm going to reduce my presence a bit. I'm closing the tax part. I'm going to try to focus on tutoring and writing. Or maybe just writing. I've got to find one thing, one thing I am really, really good at, mysterious health issues and all. I'm getting too old. I have to think about my remaining time. I have to think about what I can give consistently, other than words. My focus is not strong enough, my health not stable enough, my interpersonal skills not effective enough to practice tax. 

Ashes

How Aspergers Became Autism (And all the confusion in-between)

    I wanted to review again the progression of my mental health from the 1990s to 2025. It's pretty clear to me now that the truth is that Bipolar is not real for me. Misdiagnosis and medical goobledy-gook dressed up to cover up poorly misunderstood Autism that was in fact diagnosed (As Aspergers) in the 1990s and then continuously overlooked and misinterpreted. I think the interpretation that I am paranoid or my self-diagnosis of FDIA is rather a symptom of all the misinterpretation that has happened. This is why I insist on Autism being the primary diagnosis: It is the one diagnosis that unambiguously has shown up for decades and consistently caused me problems. It is the clearest description of my symptoms, and in combination with some ADHD, can clearly explain my struggle. 

    What really tipped the scales for me was finding out that the same medications often prescribed for Bipolar mania also treat Autism spectrum symptoms. They were treating the symptoms but calling it something else. I have to insist on that stopping because Bipolar is in fact much different from Autism. 

    I do not have manic episodes. I have autistic episodes with ADHD. I do not have alternating episodes of depression and mania, I have a lot of frustration from misinterpretation, and I have unipolar depression.

    I do have trust issues with people that INSIST on talking about Bipolar, as if that is my name. The Bullshit has followed me long enough. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the miseducation. These experts can't even agree, they might as well listen to me and stop this bipolar bullshit. It's not that autism is better, it's just NOT THE SAME THING. AUTISM. TRAUMA FROM BIPOLAR MISDIAGNOSTIC BS. Some ADHD. LEARN SOMETHING. That is the malpractice and the insurance fraud right there: insisting on a DX and ignoring the correct DX despite all evidence to the contrary. 

    It may seem like a small thing. But it has followed me for decades. I just want the correct DX on the chart, next to the correct name and the correct treatment. That's all. It's not helpful to misdiagnose. 

Fake it till you make it!

    I feel that when I was growing up, fake it till you make it seemed like a winning strategy. It seemed accepted. These days, some of the cracks in that philosophy seem more obvious. I feel like I hear more people talking about the importance of being genuine. 

    Fake it till you make it is most associated with a salesman known as Glenn W. Turner and is different from the psychological concept known as "acting as if" in that acting as if means to emulate qualities that you don't actually have such as confidence, but fake it till you make it is a philosophy that encourages dishonesty in social interactions in order to project a certain lifestyle or talent that isn't actually there. Presenting yourself as a great investor while hiding losses would be an example of fake it until you make it. Presenting yourself as confident while being honest about your performance would be acting as if. 

    Fake it till you make it goes hand in hand with Ableism.  The idea that you can do whatever you want, regardless of your limitations, just by changing what you believe and how you present. Nuerodyvergence isn't actually real, its just a mindset, so the thinking goes. It's a magical idea... but life is not a fairy tale.

Trade-offs and Mental Health

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten. 

    So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose. 

    I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue. 

    I'm just so tired of people being so curious about my life. It's really not that interesting. I think most people would consider me somewhat boring. I have a few personal possessions, but it's really not what people make it to be. It's not a life to be envious of, unless you're starving and homeless. 

    I'd like to be less interesting. I'm really not that important. This is me being humble, being honest. My life is not some mythical thing. It is a person trying to get by. I do not have some secret plan. I don't think the doctors do either. We're just dealing with what we've got. Maybe some unrealistic expectations of what medicine can do. 

    I'd like to reiterate: 1. No, I don't have money, please stop asking. I'm not a bank. 2. Yes, I do have autism, it's a real thing. 3. Refer all other questions to someone else. I have enough of my own. I'm rather certain the doctors are doing everything they can. I think making someone repeat themselves should be categorized as a misdemeanor. I'm trying to focus on being thankful. 

Dear Psychiatry

Dear Psychiatry,

    The 90s are over. It's time to move into the 21st century. To that end, I would like to summarize and reiterate a few key points. Autism is very real and affects about 2.8% of the population, including me. ADHD is very real, and affects about 11.8% of kids and 4.4% of adults, including me. HIPPA is very real and is important for keeping medical records valid and useful. Without reliable medical records, we cannot take good care of the population. It's important that patients are able to have trust in their providers. 

    I am guilty of relying strongly on medication. This is not the same thing as drug addiction. I have at times expected too much of medication. Medication can be very dangerous. I hope to take mine safely and privately. 

    I do not know what the future holds, but I need it to look different from the past. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on how medication can be safely used or misused. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on clozapine's shortcomings as a medication. It is not my responsibility to explain the limitations of the bipolar model. It is also not my responsibility to allow these things to haunt me. I need to give up my medical guilt. I do hope that autism becomes increasingly understood. I hope that new therapies and treatments for autism advance. 

    I hope that I find peace and a place to thrive. This medical drama has taken too much of my time. I look forward to some peace. I look forward to some prosperity. I look forward to less time working on my medical situation. I look forward to fewer arguments with doctors. 

Ashes

Self-Image and Times of Crisis

    I feel like times of crisis can severely challenge self-image. Me, before all this happened, I thought I was the same things my counselor thinks I am: funny, nerdy, smart, odd, creative, autistic. Now I'm not sure what I am. At the hospital they seemed to see a different person. And I was in a dissociative episode, so I'm told, so maybe I was acting like a different person. It's hard to see myself the same again. It was a very strange experience in which I was conscious, but in an altered state of mind in which my memory and my emotions worked differently. It was similar to that time I had the car accident, and I was in a state of shock. It was very much like that. 

    The weird thing is, now I'm not sure how to act. I don't feel the same. I'm in the same place. I'm doing some of the same things. But my state of mind is different. Even my writing seems different. I'm not sure what to do with that.

Side Effects of Spravato and Ketamine

    While I will never regret trying ketamine, these medications have certain side effects that can be quite scary. The biggest one that I've encountered is the one that landed in the hospital: sudden changes in heart rate and blood pressure. That will freak you right the hell out. I don't know if these medications can cause heart attacks or strokes, but you feel your heart going like a percussion set on steroids, you feel the surge of the pressure, you're going to be calling 911 like I did. If you have any sense, that is. 

    When I left the spravato center, they didn't check the vitals. I remember feeling off. I remember refusing to answer questions. And then I ended up in the hospital. These things can be dangerous. But at the same time, they have helped me so much. That's why I advocate for really well controlled access in controlled conditions to these medications. So that people can get relief in safe ways. I should have stayed at the center longer. I should not have left before they thoroughly checked me out. 

     I do hope that life is meant to be beautiful. For me, though it may not be apparent, it has been a struggle and at times very dark. I want it to be beautiful. I want it to have happiness. I want it to be gentle and kind. I do not want strife. So, I am working on smoothing some of my rougher edges and increasing my tolerance. I am doing this so that life can seem more beautiful, and less like a war. I do get angry when people assume they know me or what it is like to be me, as if it is easy, as if I don't know what it is like to stare into the face of an abyss. I do know. I don't wish to agonize over the depravity, hate and struggle in this world anymore then I have to. I hate arguing. I just want to be. 

    I'd like to thank all the little rodents. They're quite tasty with a bottle of A-. I'd also like to thank the nurses and the doctors, while reminding everyone that we're all human (or vampiric bat, or Spider, or, well, you know...) and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, good times and bad. 

    I'm taking some time to review the site, after a bit of a cooling off period, some better sleep, and improved sinuses. I'm trying to get it in shape for showing ads. I need to focus, so I've improved my boundaries around online harassment, scammers, and beggars, because God knows I'm not a rich person and I have my own problems. My property is now protected by Vivint Security, to further discourage disruptive behavior. I do not have the finances, the will, the desire, or the time to put up with BS.