Then there's that other story MIP doesn't like so much...

 It was like 20 years ago. I had been there too much. I got bored. I don't think they had cameras back then, and the fence wasn't watched as carefully. It didn't have the rounded top, either. There was a corner, behind the wall. Staff wasn't looking, I went behind the wall, jumped that fence, and came around to the visitor's entrance, tried to visit myself. They were like, Ashes, get back in there. 

 Ive been a little dark and unfocused, but I'm doing better with the anger and the isolation. Hopefully, I'll have some work soon.

Gratitude

    I think it's time to review what I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for food, for having people that help me, for shelter, for medicine, for my health, for freedom, for my car that allows me to travel, for my talents, for my friends, for my cat, for my nieces and nephews, for nature, for time to heal, for the strength and patience that allows me to try again and to forgive.

Projection and Healthcare

    I want to revisit projection. There's so very much to say about projection, and it is so seldom discussed. 

    Projection can look like a look of things. In today's society it happens unconsciously all the time. Every interaction is permeated by projection. For example, when you see another man catch a woman's eye, what does it mean? Is it attraction to her good looks or graceful way? Is it jealousy of the rich things she wears? Is it dangerous, in that he is looking to steal those things? Based on past experiences, people come away with different assumptions about his behavior. She may as well. 

    In the hospital, there was a tremendous amount of projection. Did they ever ask me why I contacted the nurse? No. Did they ever ask me why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor? No. Did they ever ask me what I needed, or were they too busy lining up the next center? Teeing up the next failure? They did ask me at points, but they weren't listening. Gullet and I barely exchanged 5 words. They talk about emotional mind, rational mind, and wise mind. I think the temperature was too high for a wise mind to prevail. Now we're back at paranoid, because I refuse to buy into the bullshit surrounding me. I'm just tired of it. At least they had the intelligence to stop the spravato, the true reason why I was there. It was a bad reaction. 

    I think if you slow down the doctors, if you put speed bumps in their way, they can get frustrated. I know the hospitals push them hard, but I think independence, HIPPA, mandatory vacations and retirements, and other speed bumps exist for a reason: to keep people safe. Because even the safest treatment can do harm. 

    I think I'm going to have to write much, much more about projection and psychedelics in medicine. Boundaries are those safeguards that break up things that are dangerous. When you're dealing with inanimate objects or an enemy, such as in war, boundaries are less important... but when what you are dealing with is a friend or loved one or a customer/client/patient, you can do real harm very easily. Sometimes I wish I had been a soldier and could just bam bam bam without concern for what I was harming. But I am not dealing with an enemy. I'm dealing with people I care about. And that's entirely different. Being a soldier isn't easy, definitely not, it's just a different kind of challenge. Being a man is about more then destruction. Being a man is knowing how to build and preserve. Some do it with words and services, others with guns. But I think we need to recognize that glorifying violence is dangerous, lest that violence be misdirected.

    Me, I've developed a reputation. First crazy, now drug addict. What comes next? That's what worries me. So, maybe I have reason to act a little paranoid. Who knows what they'll think of next? I think I'd best keep my distance either way. 

    The Bible say, Judge not, lest ye be judged... but then... what does the Bible know anyways...

Each Day

Each day is another chance, another opportunity to show the world that I can. I can be more then the past. I can be more then what people say about me. Today is a day to give my best. For me, that means being selective about what I choose to be involved in. Careful choices. Deliberate choices. One choice at a time. 

Psychedelics for Trauma/Anxiety/Depression

    I find that THC use for Psychiatric purposes is not worth it. There's too much stigma for it to ever be worth it. I find that in limited amounts, THC or CBD is not much different from Benzodiazepines with a little mood boost on top. It also seems to increase the flexibility of thought, and in that I believe it has healing properties. People with mental illnesses like depression or PTSD tend to have less neural growth in the brain, especially in the Hippocampus, the area primarily responsible for emotions and memory. THC/CBD promotes the growth of nuerons and reduces inflammation, but God forbid you test positive for employment or even worse, show up in an ER with THC traces in your blood. It's one long 411 from everyone you know on the evils of THC. Funny how Spravato/Ketamine doesn't seem to do that. It's a psychedelic too. Spravato itself seemed to be more limited in its therapeutic benefit. It seemed... milder. 

    Trying Ketamine was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have known people to sing the praises of psilocybin, which I have never tried, but Ketamine was a game changer for me. In combination with therapy, it helped me see the world much differently. It took away some of the black and white and added not just shades of gray but also color. A lot of color. The infusions of ketamine with the music therapy was absolutely amazing. It changed who I was. It gave me hope. My life was like a mental prison on Clozaril. The side effects, the limited mindset, the support groups, the regimented lifestyle... The emotional experience lacked depth. I very much resent the attitude of the medical community and the way that they changed their perception towards me as I tried the very treatments they recommended: the psychedelics. It's moronic to recommend a treatment and then demonize someone for taking your advice. To withhold medical care or threaten someone with jail seems self defeating in that context. It discourages people from seeking any sort of help. And then suddenly you're paranoid for feeling that way. No, I very much resent the attitudes one can encounter around the treatment of mental health issues.

    I think the ideal solution is more providers licensed to administer psychedelics in conjunction with therapy. By introducing them in a controlled context, it both provides much needed benefits supported by vast amounts of research and personal testimony, but provides it in a safe way while also enhancing the benefits of therapy. To me this is ideal. To provide a proven treatment in a controlled way (thereby drastically reducing risk), you provide another option. By pairing it with therapy, you increase the potential for productive learning and increased coping. By providing it safely, you prevent people from turning to illegal and inherently less safe sources, such as traveling to Mexico as I know one person who did for psilocybin. He swears by psilocybin, and is a successful businessperson and somehow never accused of being an addict or doing anything illegal.

    I think by rewarding some people for doing something that is not legal in the US and punishing others for doing so, you create risk. You create the risk of people leaving the US to seek treatment, perhaps permanently, as he did. Alternatively, you create problems for those who choose to stay. You encourage illegal use by making illegal use the only option. The best alternative, in my mind, is to carefully control a clean supply of psychedelics for pain, trauma, depression, and ideally to mandate therapy as part of the process. I think it is extremely self-defeating to deny the option entirely, or to fail to pair it with proven therapy. Only in combination can you truly recover and learn how to deal with problems better. This is what I firmly believe, having tried all sorts of treatments, support groups, hospitals, centers, and talk therapies. The war on drugs is self-defeating, because there is a way to provide relief in controlled settings. I would never go back to a pre ketamine world. I would never go back to a pre trauma therapy or DBT therapy world. It takes off the chains of limited thinking in ways which other therapies, in my opinion, cannot hope to do. CBT can be distorted and misapplied. I know in my life the combination of CBT and benzodiazepines had harmful effects in encouraging complacency and dependency. 

    I don't know how much of a success my life can be at this point, but if nothing else let it be a case study on autism and trauma. Let it be a case study. There are better ways to treat autism and trauma then were used in the past. Rather then reflexively retreat back to our limited thinking of the 1990s on Bipolar and Aspergers, let's move forward. Let's move forward and be willing to learn. Be willing to admit that we don't know it all, and we can still learn about how to deal more effectively with mental illness and neurodivergence. Rather then stereotyping and labeling, let's learn about how to do effective therapy in the modern, post 20th century. I believe that this modern world necessitates a more advanced understanding of nutrition, supplements, psychedelics, and therapy to decrease all the negatives of mental illness: anger, violence, lack of productivity... with better boundaries, better use of medicine, better diet, more nuanced thinking, I believe the world can be better. Take a look at the whole picture of my life: when was I better, on Clozaril and bipolar with poor boundaries and bad communication... or post psychedelic and post therapy, with lower blood sugar, lower weight, more self-control, an enhanced knowledge of neurodyvergance and how to be productive in my own way, more self-awareness. When was I better, beating a square peg in a round hole or finding the square hole and moving through? When was I better, with more say in my own healthcare, or a slave to a doctor and his tightly controlled and limited medicine with very limited ideas of CBT and some inappropriate and even abusive counselors? When did I learn more? When I was with all men and be male in a traditional way, or when I branched out to be different and more well-rounded? I think time will make the difference obvious, as I communicate more and change my relationships and lifestyle even more. 

    I'm not going back to the way it used to be. It wasn't working. I'm not going back to the support groups and the machines. It wasn't working. I'm moving forward, with or without the community. And I certainly don't need THC to do that. I don't need Spravato to do that. I don't even need more ketamine to do that. Because like that guy who left the country to try a drug in a way that would be illegal here did (without being demonized at all), I have changed. My perspective has changed. My lifestyle has changed. The only thing I regret is that there wasn't a better system in place to learn what I needed to learn and get the psychedelics I needed to get in order to change. I believe that time will prove this to be true. Just as he knows the truth of his recovery, I too shall know mine. I too will be free. Free of this limited thinking. Free of the ridiculous slavery of limited mindsets. I believe this will be true, whether I die poor or rich, tomorrow or twenty years from now, I will know the truth of my life. It will remain written for those who care to know it. That Autism is real. That Clozaril is out of date. That I was in limited thinking. That I found my way out of that limited thinking.

    I am forgiving and moving on. I am learning. And I am grateful, even while acknowledging mistakes made along the way. Nevermind learning, let's demonize and rush back to limited thinking? Let's forget and pretend nothing happened? Or maybe, just maybe, we can learn the right lessons. That is what I hope to do. That is what I hope to do. Let my ridiculously complicated medical journey be a guide. Let us learn. Some people have had tremendous success with psychedelics. Let's learn how to use them properly, in proper form, in controlled settings, with proper education. I do believe that they can do much more for society then benzodiazepines ever did.

I remain at home in contemplation, having applied to several jobs and done all my medical and self care. I feel like some meditative reflection is beneficial. I regret taking needing time away, but I still feel the need to slow this down. I reached God in McClean, I can reach him here too. Just me and him. And the cat. I feel like too many influences is just as bad as idle hands... its the devil's workshop.

Plan for Discussing Psychedelics

    I do have a plan for discussing psychedelics in full. I'm working on a draft to explain how I think that they can help society, as I have seen them help others and myself. And I will not be the demonized one while others are celebrated for the successful use of psychedelic therapy to change their lives. 

    That is my message here. That we must move beyond limited thinking and better use psychedelics to improve mental health. I am determined to bring positive change. I will not be a martyr. I too will demonstrate the power of recovery, the power of more advanced thinking in mental health. Ketamine changed my life. It changed the way I see the world dramatically. 

    These drugs have enormous untapped potential. If we simply learn how to use them better, we can do more. I will not be a slave to lies about myself or the people who have helped me. I will not allow the community to insult the work of so many to benefit the prejudices of the few. I will not allow the Bipolar Bullshit to continue unaddressed. The Truth will come out, so long as I am alive, people will know the dangers of bad psychiatry. 

    So long as I am breathing, people will see and hear what it means to be a slave to Clozaril vs what it means to have the right choices. I'll do that for the kids. Let them demonize me and let the world learn about the power of psychedelics and DBT/trauma therapy, as many others have learned on their own. Let the world see the results of bad psychiatry, as so many have already seen firsthand. Let them demonize me but let them learn how these alternative means can truly help people. 

    If they are properly controlled and administered, psychedelics are safer and more effective than drugs like Mirapex and gabapentin. It's just a matter of the proper administration. I will not allow a few self-interested and know it all doctors to sabotage other professionals and therapies for their own limited thinking and self-benefit. I know some stubborn people. But I can be just as stubborn. The world must learn the truth about these mental illnesses and the treatments for them. I'm tired of caring what they think about me. I'm tired of caring. Let them learn how to help others better, if nothing else. If anything, the answer to the war on drugs lies in better control, not support groups, soldiers, and prisons full to the breaking point. There's got to be some truth about my life out there other than the bipolar bullshit. There's got to be truth about me out there. And apparently, it's up to me to write it. 

    I know some people have worked hard to help me. It's up to me to make it worth it. We have to learn something about mental illness. We're not learning. We need to learn. Otherwise, what is the point? we just make up stories as we go along? What does it matter what anyone says? We have to learn. I have to believe that is possible. It's just one big, drugged façade otherwise. Life needs to be about more than taking pills and doctors' orders. There has to be compassion and truth, or it means nothing. I cannot have faith in a system that drags people down for doing what is right. I cannot do it. 

 

    Change can come slowly, or in a rush. Sometimes, it's exciting. Other times, it is quite frightening. Yet, inevitably, it comes. The winds of change can lift you up or they can buffet you like a storm. I look for the signs along the way like anyone else. I do feel somewhat weary from the repeated rises and falls in life. The road can get lonely and sometimes every path seems to be blocked with some obstacle or another. Sometimes there are special interests keeping you out. 

Right to Decline

     I think there's a point that you reach between enough medical and too much medical. Sometimes that point isn't all together clear. I have to evaluate on a decision-by-decision basis, just like anyone else. I've reached that point a few times. I reached it with Prichards and Clozapine. I reached it with CCBH and Clozapine. I reached it with the Hospital/Center run around. I reached it when talk of jail and restraining orders came up. I reached it. I'm happy to continue counseling and the medication I do have. I'm happy to take a step back. I'm happy to give the hospitals a break. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand the reasons why.

Internalized Pain

Watchful eyes make darkened skies all the brighter still

In the stars we find our guides and follow them until

The sun comes up and we come to see the light falling once again

So parts the pain and heals the insane until it fully ends.

A gentle hand helps the broken mend and stills the aching heart

A steady guide brings hope and pride to its shattered parts

And looking up the clear skies come to rescue us until

We're strong again and stand as one to climb another hill.

    I'm building trust and learning about choosing words. Which words for the right times. What strength looks like. What money can and can't do. I would have been a priest, I'm too curious about the world. Maybe that is my undoing. There have been times when I should have spoken up but didn't. There were times I simply wasn't heard. I'm trying to choose companions wisely and communicate clearly. I have to take the world seriously, because it is a serious place. Serious things can happen. 

    I was always quiet. I'm trying to get louder. Looking for a job. Cutting expenses. Working on fiction and art but coming up with mostly poetry and AI art. 

Apologies

     I am not sorry for following the orders of Prichards on THC. That was not my mistake to make. That was the doctor's. I am not sorry for following Artstick's orders on Spravato, that was her mistake to make. I am sorry for not communicating better. I am sorry for spending beyond my means. Those two things I can be sorry for. Those two things alone. 

    I am not sorry for the small-minded ignorance and hatred of the inpatient population. I am not sorry that my family and some people cannot understand autism spectrum or trauma. I am not sorry for these things. 

    I am sorry for contacting the nurse. I am not sorry for cutting off people who were being unhelpful. 

    I regret the misunderstanding and chaos that has followed me from this hospital to that center to the other hospital. I regret that some people have the inability to recognize a good person for they are missing out. I regret the loose mouths and the hateful ignorance. 

    I reiterate my gratitude to SCDHEC (or whatever it's called now), to the ethical nurses and doctors (the ones that understand boundaries), to Gryphs, Leaves, Molly, and "my women"... To Lost and Rigged... to all the good eggs. Wrong and right work both ways. I hope to be able to contribute more, since that seems to invariably be what the world wants... but only the best of me, since that is what it insists on. I hope to keep my peace and earn my keep... to communicate better, so that I might avoid the misunderstandings of the past. Hospitals can be dangerous places. I've seen dangerous things happen in them. I've seen times when dangerous things could have happened but did not. My health seems fragile enough and the medications unreliable enough that I fear trying to get off disability. But I have some job applications in and I continue to look for part time work suitable to my bizarre arrangement of skills.

    This gets much more traumatic, I might just have to apply to graduate school and become a trauma counselor myself. In the end, trauma is a matter of perception. I've had every concept of myself challenged and again. I've gone without emotional comfort. I've been through various medical symptoms. I've had extreme moments of dysregulation and confusion. I'm tired of it. To the ignorant, I am sorry you are not able to understand these things. I suppose I could have said more. I didn't realize it was necessary. There was a lot of not hearing going on. I would really like to mind my own business now. 

    I'll always remember the good eggs. If I can do right by them, that's good enough for me. We know more now about autism and trauma then we did in the 90s, so let's apply that knowledge. Me, I'll try to watch what I say and get more done at home where I can keep a safe distance most of the time. 

Loyalty

    Loyalty means sticking it out when times are tough. Loyalty means having the courage to point out other people's mistakes or misjudgments in tactful ways to help them do better, not blindly aiding them to commit errors. Loyalty is not blind obedience. Loyalty means being loyal to what a person stands for, not necessarily what they do. Standing by them while calling them out is more loyal than helping a person to make mistakes. 

        Being firm about boundaries is actually a service to another person, even if they cannot see that. When they realize they were wrong, they will be grateful if they are worth keeping. If they never realize they were wrong, or don't have the ability to forgive a misunderstanding, then they were never worth keeping.

    A wise man makes decisions based on facts, not a lack of information. Thus, a wise man sometimes must consider that he doesn't know all the facts, and therefore a wise man makes decisions based on the facts he does not know but can infer from situational factors. Further, a wise man does not speak when he does not know all the facts. 

    Even the most educated man can act the fool. All it takes is some misplaced assumptions and the heat of passion, or simply a lack of good judgement. I have known many educated men to do many foolish things and say many foolish things, despite having very high placed degrees. Having letters after your name does not make you invincible.

Restraint and Humility

    I think Restraint and Humility go hand in hand. I think strength without good judgement is worthless. Restraint means being able to do something but choosing not to do it. It is easy to hurt someone. It takes restraint and humility to hold back the words or the hand that does the actual harm. It takes humility to recognize that harm is not wise. Maybe only a fool would have walked back into that emergency room. A small man might have said something ugly to Dr. Darcy when he had the chance. Or even been violent. I feel like I exercised restraint and humility. It takes a bigger person to turn away from the past. It takes a bigger person to forgive. I did not feel like that first ER visit was handled well. I called that ambulance for a reason. The Spravato did not check my vitals before releasing me. My heart rate surged. Cold and clammy. I justifiably thought I might be dying. Weak and faint. I called for a reason. It was just nice to see a different response this time. 

Biblical Meaning

Today, I'm focusing on cleaning and exercise, writing, and some light accounting research. I need to stay focused. 

I like doctors and nurses because they are educated and they focus on helping people. I think aripiprizole helps maintain calm. I think Bipolar is at best an oversimplification and clozapine is out of date. I think if a man is disabled, that necessitates a change to relationship dynamics. How can the man be disabled and still be the breadwinner? It makes no sense. Not in today's world where couples struggle to survive on one full income. Rigid rules of gender Conformity make less and less sense in a modern society and yet some people still cling to them like whites clung to slavery long after it stopped having even the veneer of sense to it. Modern society requires flexibility. It requires seeing beyond stereotypes. In an age of AI, it makes zero sense to me to cling to stereotypes promoted by out of date concepts. You can still have faith and God but at the same time see that the Bible was written thousands of years ago in a much different time by much less educated men with much less technology. God did not create life to remain static and unchanging. Life is by definition changing. Otherwise it is not life. One can still remain true to God and to faith and be open to growing and changing. I believe that was God's intention and that love thy neighbor means exactly that. It doesnt mean love thy neighbor UNLESS. It doesnt mean love love thy neighbor UNTIL. It means love thy neighbor. Love thy neighbor if they are white, black, orange, purple. Love thy neighbor male, female, autistic, disabled, whatever. If the Bible was meant to be a rigid cross checked formula for exactly how to live life, then Im sure God would have made a commandment, crosscheck the passages to find hidden meanings behind my words to nullify the exact meaning of what I say. Read into what I say until my words become meaningless. He did not say that. Why would he say that? It is a desperate man who clings to hidden interpretations of the Bible. It is a desperate man who uses hidden interpretations of the Bible to justify hatred and bigotry.

My first impressionist painting is sunlight peeking through wisps of dark clouds. 

 

The Wash

 

A washing we shall go, a washing we shall go, high ho the dario a washing we shall go!

I just feel like it's reasonable to take a step back, try to find some serenity after treating my body like a human science experiment for so many years... going from this patented drug to that one, this machine to the other to the implant. I feel like its reasonable to step back. Give the doctors a break. Let them focus on someone they can fix. That's what I want to do. I've been pushing them hard, and for what? I'm not even that important. These drugs have problems, like clozastill. 

     Thing is, as much as I didn't like Dr. Darcy the first time, the second time she was kinda nice, and I didn't want to rock the boat on that. 

 

    Maybe I thought my emotions would make my situation obvious. But I suppose maybe that's expecting too much. People are blind to what they do not want to see. I need to be quiet for a while.

     So many points in my life where it seems like I'm in a conversation with someone in which we are talking at each other and not TO each other. I almost get used to it. With my counselor, I can be myself and speak the truth and she gets it, and that's a beautiful thing. At MIP, it was the complete opposite. It seemed like a twisted game of choose the wrong words. Say what you don't mean, so that it can flow more easily. Like every conversation was multiple choice, but some whack job was picking the answers. If I hadn't been so out of it, maybe I would have picked my own. Hospitals can be dangerous places, for sure. 

Flat affect vs blunted affect vs shock versus full range of emotions.

Flat affect is an almost lack of emotional response. No emotional reaction, positive or negative. Like being stunned. That was me in the ER.

Blunted Affect means a reduced range of emotional response. So, less extreme than a flat affect. 

Shock means very intense emotions.

Full range of emotion is a normal emotional style. I feel like I don't experience this much. 

    The head doctor in the ER was one of those quiet, contemplative ones. Seemed like a smart man. Sometimes I confused which ER doctor was the resident and which was the attending doctor, but the head doctor was easy to differentiate. I guess I feel like I need to understand. To wrap my head around all of this medical. I read most of the notes and records, not to look for errors or even for explanations but just to understand the way they think. He called it flat affect... a lack of emotional expression. I'd say that I was afraid and feeling somewhat dissociated standing in that ER again. I didn't know what they were going to do. I just knew that my head wasn't right without the pristiq. I needed that medicine. And I got it. Thank God. I don't say much in person. It just seems like there's so many things I could say. So many things left completely unsaid. Like with Dr. Darcy. It was somewhat surreal. "I remember you" "Yeah, I took care of you"... I think we said a few other things. Repeating what I had said to the resident.