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Thursday, July 17, 2025
Kenzie
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
I don't understand the world so well. I'm trying to encourage others. Here I am, going from hospital to hospital, Center to center, looking for some sort of insight in order to live some sort of life I've never had and at my age it does not make sense. I don't even like money that much. I see all this greed and the fast pace, and it makes no sense to me. I thought I wanted a faster life, but I don't see it. I don't see it realistically happening. If I'm getting threatened with insurance fraud and jail just for showing up for help, then something is wrong. Somewhere I'm missing the boat, all labels aside. I'm looking towards eastern medicine and trying to go maybe 1/3 the pace of the next person because it's better to go 1/3 as fast and take fewer detours then to go just as fast and go everywhere but where I need to go. At least going 1/3 as fast, I might eventually get somewhere.
So, I'm redoubling my effort to cut every expense that I can possibly cut. I'm isolating to the max. I'm focusing every available moment on staying the course: Keeping on medication, getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, and making the moments that I have with others effective. I've wasted enough time. I've seen enough of the world. I've met plenty of people. I need to focus. I don't have time for keeping up with whatever joneses or popular culture or whatever else is not an essential part of my life. I'm sure they'll still argue about what the hell my problem was after I'm dead. Regardless, I need to do something useful. Meaningful. With someone that wants to do something meaningful with me. Someone who believes as I do. Who understands this mess of Whateverisms that my life is. For richer or poorer, till death do I come apart.
I want to write because I don't feel like I am able to relate to people in the real world the way I need to. I want to write because the world doesn't make sense to me. I want to write because I'm told I'm good at it.
Truth
So, my truth, that MIP and a lot of people have trouble understanding, is that I'm not actually a drug addict, I've been overmedicalized, I have autism, I don't believe that Bipolar is accurate, but it shows up from time to time, I've developed special nutritional requirements as evidenced by my GI problems, I get angry sometimes but I'm not stupid, I communicate better in writing, and I actually like people. I'm not rich, I'm poor. I'm disabled. I sometimes lose touch with reality.
I'm going to try to give the world my best, which is my written words. I'm going to try to make them really great words. I want my story to be... not a tragedy. The way it's been going, it's been writing like one for so long. I need to have patience and focus. I've lost interest in climbing ladders. I'm struggling to find the energy to care. I don't understand people that well. I think humility is important. I'm trying to find peace on the outside. I do worry about my health because it seems to have been poorly understood.
Collecting
I believe I've collected enough labels, enough aborted careers, enough hospitals and centers. I need stability. That's what I need. I need space and independence. I need to slow down and decrease the sensory input. I need centering. I do not need to speed up. Most definitely not. I do not need to keep jamming square pegs through round holes. I'm entirely too complicated. I need to simplify. The solution is not to go back to MIP or Springbrook or CCBH or find an entirely new place to fail at. The solution is to be grateful for the time and effort put in by so many. I am grateful for what MIP has done I am grateful for the time and effort put in by so many health care workers to help me move forward. I find bipolar to be unhelpful diagnosis. Regardless, I take the medication for the symptoms I do have.
Focus on the Positive
I need to focus on what's right with me, not all of the things people perceive to be wrong, otherwise it's a never-ending litany of accusations and counteraccusations. So, for now, people get my words, until I understand better how to give them what they want. I'm so sick of the carousel of blame.
It's time to breathe, separate, wish well, and find my own way. Otherwise, I might as well write myself an invitation to prison and reserve a cell. Maybe one next to that guy that sent the documents. We can have a good old chat.
Sometimes people are just bad in combination. Sometimes they need time away. I'll stay squeaky clean, so that no one finds excuses to interfere in my life.
Medicaid
It's frustrating for me that Congress decided to cut Medicaid. MIP is a Medicaid facility. I've seen these hospitals. They need the money. They need it. I think if we don't do it for the patients we should do it for the hospitals that need the money. I may not be the one people want to listen to on this but I've seen the problem extensively. Me, myself, I need to stay out. I've been in them too much. But there are people that depend on quality healthcare. I think they should get it. I think I should stay to myself until I manage to be productive without people threatening with jail and stuff and creating bullshit rumors about drug addiction and my counselor that I should have shut down a very long time ago.
Some young people, they don't have the sense to understand what years of problems can do to a person because they aren't old enough and haven't been through enough. But I know. Cuz I've been to hospital after hospital, and I've gotten a list of my chart so long that I just want to be left alone until I stop around and around in my head about which problem came from where and whose fault it is.
I don't want to blame the health care workers. They work long shifts. 12 hours oftentimes. Sometimes even more. But I'm tired of all the back and forth. And I think so are they.
Using words
I want to contribute when I'm thinking clearly, and my mind is crisp. Otherwise, there's mistakes, and particularly in certain fields mistakes have consequences. It's not to say that I'll never be productive, but I can't be productive and screw up. It's not how you do good work and keep working. I'm good with words they say, I should use them.
There was someone that wanted me to use my words for him. I was not able to. He was a convicted murderer being beaten by prison guards and denied effective medical care. So many visits to the infirmary. He sent me some documents and then the Department of Corrections contacted me, told me to stay out of it. I met him through a woman on a dating site. I wasn't really feeling in a position to take on the Dept of Corrections. I looked at the documents. There were definitely a lot of infirmary visits. I wasn't exactly planning on being an investigative reporter. Maybe I intimidate easily. But then again he stood up in a court of law and admitted he murdered someone. Not exactly the first person I would help. Not against the department of corrections.
Nuitritrion in Hospitals
Getting Proper nutrition in a Hospital can be difficult. They don't always have the best options. I liked that SpringBrook made such an effort to separate the vegetarian option from the regular options and was diligent about advertising and providing those options. I liked that MIP had such advanced nutrition education. I've developed GERD, hyperglycemia and idiopathic constipation, so I think it's important to pay attention to diet.
Personally, Brown rice is one of my favorites. I also consume a lot of whole grain bread. I've gotten better with the veggies. I'm doing the Kale smoothies with the Chia seeds. I don't honestly get that bored with a consistent diet. I like consistency. Too many choices create risk, and my dx list is becoming a mile long.
I have been frustrated. But the shut up and learn from those who do better hasn't been working. So I'm being more selective. I've been a little slow to decrease expenses. But so many people making suggestions, I've had to isolate AND reduce expenses and it's beginning to look a lot like Hobo around here.
I need to focus on keeping my cat and my environment clean. I definitely over relied on medication. It's frightening what can become of a person lost in a system. Given my low energy and focus and all of the pent up and unspent emotions from all these years dealing with mental illness that simply has not been managed well enough, I'm going to have to hyper focus on what I need. So that I can contribute to society. It feels like chaos. This job to that job to this hospital to that center. it doesn't make sense.
The poor cat got sick. We're keeping our spirits up.
Orientation
I'm trying to orient to my new reality. The one in which MIP thinks I'm a drug addict and we keep moving dx's around. I mean, they're just labels. But I'm finding that this whole remote thing is working better for me. I show up only when absolutely necessary, and they don't have to fuss and freak so much. I just do the check in's, I look for work, I do the healthy eating at home (much more possible), I do the meds by myself so long as walgreens manages to not **** up... everything is groovy. I ignore symptoms I can't make sense of, like weird headaches, body sensations, that thing with my left shoulder that the internist couldn't figure out with the bumps... I reduce expenses, I go lean... I try to exercise and get more sleep, take very careful care of my sinuses. I stay positive.
It's my new reality. Broke, stuck with disability, not likely to hold a job at the rate I'm going, but still trying. Trying to get adsense with the program. Trying to keep my meds filled, waiting for those tax refunds... keeping positive and running my life on a shoestring budget, hoping the price of groceries doesn't go up, letting the cat keep an eye on me.
Walgreens needs to update their systems. Some of the communications are patently false. Which is part of how I ended up in the ER begging for a prescription. I'm stuck with the meds. I have to take them. The labels have been independently confirmed multiple times, so unless you guys have a new idea, maybe we stop trying to force a round Bipolar on a square DID? Just sayin'...
It was really interesting meeting that patient observer. She was really nice. Told me this story. She broke up with her boyfriend, he shot the kids and grazed her with a bullet before lying them side by side and shooting himself. She survived. Ain't that F*ed. Some story. She started in the kitchen but they decided she was too valuable and had her start working with patients. Name started with an O. She looked maybe a few years older then me. First she said she wasn't married, then she's married but they are rather independent, do their own things but together. Sounds like they have their personal space worked out. It took me a while to start to talk to her. Nurse graduated Clemson. Barely spoke but she was nice.
I didn't know what to expect from Dr. Darcy this time. She was quiet. It was the most routine ER visit I've ever had. There seemed to be one man in pain. I didn't want to rock the boat so I kept to myself.
Reminded me of the time I showed up to the ER asking if I was manic. Dr. W. Said no, you're not manic you're depressed. A patient tried to come in my room and I practically flew to the opposite wall.
Allright. Starting fresh again. Yet again. I feel like the decrease in sinus symptoms has allowed me to use the CPAP machine more, which helps my sleep and therefore my energy and just about everything else. I think the problems with my sinuses have been key and overlooked, but the shot and the debrox seemed to help. The change in diet and the isolation seemed to help. I need to hyperfocus on maintaining diet, exercise, CPAP, and meds, otherwise I'm no good to anyone.
This experience has been extremely humbling and distressing. I've felt somewhere between the metamorphosis and the invisible man. I only hope I can maintain my health, because I want to contribute. I need cleanliness, patience, discipline.
Tuesday, July 15, 2025
I've tried to be honest on this website about mental health. It's taken a few detours and it's not always been pretty, or anywhere close to it. I miss feeling like I had a crew. Having an independent voice is isolating. I have not enjoyed the experience. Trying to inspire others in a world of differing views is a strange business.
I feel disingenuous if I'm always positive and full of hope. I try to be honest, and that doesn't always allow for painting in the brightest colors. What's most disturbing to me has been the shifting of loyalties as I've said more and more. All I'm saying is what has happened. It's gotten so extremely personal. It makes me wonder how you can be personal with someone and still be their friend.
I like to lift others up, even by admitting fault. I don't want to be the perfect one. It's not realistic. I'm definitely not perfect, I'm not actually well liked.
What I learn about people sews doubt. It's easier to be closed, play it tough. So much easier. To say nothing at all. I've tried to hold back. I've tried to be nice. When you say all the right things, you play along, life goes right smooth. Where is that middle ground between too open and too closed?
When I started the website, I thought maybe I would still be able to relate, while telling the truth. I feel like I was living a false life, just playing along. Living in a fantasy. All the volatility and the isolation, is it coming full circle? They keep asking me about paranoia. As if wanting to have a voice in your own health care is paranoia. And low and behold, my physical health has gotten better with me having that voice. But I don't like the pushback. I feel a chilling effect when truth comes out.
I do feel betrayed. And the world is going to have to let me feel betrayed. They should have asked me why. They should have given me a chance to explain my actions. Now I'm paranoid because they don't want to hear. I don't think it's paranoia to be afraid when people threaten you with jails and restraining orders for showing up to a hospital with a bad reaction to Spravato. I don't think that's paranoia. I think it's a very realistic fear.
What I would have understood is if in March they had a talk with me about maybe spravato is too risky for you. That would have made sense. And I had some poor judgement around Elle with the contact and the mentioning her name. It's funny how when I used to just play cards and go to the classes and take the drugs everything was fine and dandy. I try to have a say in my own healthcare, and I make one mistake with a nurse and the tables turn. I was following Prichards and the doctors' medical advice the whole time. That never changed.
I need to find my humor and hold onto it. I need to do this because I am grateful for the care of the workers that put in long hours and demonstrated compassion. I need to be my own light in the world and communicate better. I hope that I can do that. Hopefully, my writing and my work in accounting can do more for the world then my actual presence has seemed to do.
Self imposed isolation
Monday, July 14, 2025
The Gap
Offerings
Well, hopefully I can please my angels. I applied for another tutoring job. I'm researching some remote work. I've got my car in for maintenance. Tomorrow I'm going to focus on looking at those jobs and cleaning some more. I think I'll try to add some more uplifting posts. Maybe adjust my perspective. All these memories about health care and personal differences is getting tiresome. I need some humor.
It's just weird being around health care workers these days. It used to be I was just another patient but there's always something in the air. Like a vibe. There's so much in people's eyes. I can tell I make some of them nervous. Maybe it's not so different. Maybe it was always like that. Then I missed my sleep doc appointment. I hate that. I'm so embarrassed to even contact them now. I get preoccupied. I need to regiment my routine better. March really shook me. I need to refocus my priorities again. Get this job thing locked down.
Let's see...
Tasks
Health
continue my reinvigorated exercise routine
Surveys
Dealing with Emotions
What I do like about this middle ground finding thing is that I feel more peace and I feel more connected to myself. I don't always feel connected to other people. I have gotten a lot of advice. I like that I think about electronics less. I still use them a lot, but they are less of a preoccupation. I feel that I'm seeing medication more realistically. I feel that my compassion is actually increasing. I was always angry; it was just a medicated angry.
Now the emotions are more obvious, and that scares people. They think that they can drug or talk or explain away the anger and the issues, but life just doesn't work that way. I have to actually deal with my problems. I feel like part of that is having really honest communications with health care professionals and budgeting more carefully. Handling trust and relationships differently. Not hiding so much. Which is why I do these posts. So, people can see the reality behind the chaos. Otherwise, it's just confusing.
You know, I actually liked this Dr. Darcy the second time around. She was quiet and gentle, like Meghan. That's not always easy in an ER. I'm kind of glad they had me talk to several people. It gave me a better perspective of the ER. I saw things differently. It was refreshing. And the Observer told me a little about some of the people that worked at the ER. Not names of course. But it made them seem more human. And that's what I wanted. For us to all seem human.
Labels
She said
If I really wanted to hurt hospital workers, would I go around telling everyone about it? I think not. And you can assume many things about Elle, but all I said was that I was her guardian angel, and if she needed anything, to find me. Do I actually expect her to come find me? No. But it's called gratitude. A strange way to express it, maybe. People make all sorts of assumptions. And if you're wondering, she did exactly what she was supposed to do. She knew I was a patient, because I told her who I was.
She said nothing at all.
Communication
So I'm still working on communication. Trying to make sure that I'm saying what I mean and meaning, what I say. I need to improve my emotional regulation and avoid making extreme statements. When I get very triggered, it's like a flood of words. The patient observer in the hospital told me that she had 7 personalities.
I had not mentioned that I have did. She describes her personalities for me and described how she copes with life. She also shared with me the origins of her trauma. It was inspiring to talk to her.
I'm told some things are permanent. I'm trying to figure out how much.
MIP Memories
It was so weird being in MIP in March. It was probably the most extreme dissociative state I've been in. I had nearly complete lack of awareness of time. I was in the 90s and early to mid 2000s. I wasn't even as recent as 2020. I wasn't looking for Elle. I knew she would not be there, because I had already told outpatient everything. They knew about the texting and all of it. They knew it happened quite some time ago. Inpatient was just finding out, I guess.
But I kept thinking about the way it used to be. All the things that had happened. It's a very haunted place. Something draws me there, but it's not a place you want to be. That's the weirdness of it. It's like one of those movies where something feels like unfinished business. It's just like a Siren, drawing you in. But it's creepy as hell, and then you want to stay away. Just being near those glass doors. It's just like standing outside the unit at McClean. Feeling like you're floating. Alarm bells going off in your mind. A voice telling you that you need to get out of here. I almost had a similar feeling standing outside Patrick B that one time, even though I had never been there before. That campus is creepy as hell.
Dating and Autism
The other day, someone suggested to me that I should date someone with autism. I have to say the idea rather horrified me. The idea of putting together two people with poor social skills seems like a recipe for disaster. I said I'd rather date someone with ADHD. ADHD seems easier to handle. Autism can be rough. Better yet, I wish I could date someone in healthcare (not one of my professionals). They just seem to understand better, but they still have enough social skills that they can lead the way when I cannot.
I hope someday to find someone, but I don't plan to look for autistic people as dating partners. If I meet someone that is a good fit and has autism, then great. But I'm not about to go around looking for autism as if that's something on a checklist. I think people in a couple need to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, not reinforce them. I'd hope to meet someone with better social skills or at least skills that complement my own, not reinforce my weaknesses.
Intrusive Thoughts
I did not want to be a doctor, but I did want more from my life. But they say some things are permanent. I just hope my angels are watching over me. I know I can't count on people in the community to understand. I have a goobledy gook bunch of DX's in my chart, impaired recall, attention problems, dysregulation, disconnections with reality, time distortions... I don't know what the future holds, but I know that the professionals are hard at work. I just know that the harder people push me, the harder I have to push the doctors, and they can make mistakes. I guess to some extent I'm still working on acceptance.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Weird Ideas Part V
I'm hoping that my feedback filters in little by little to the upstate healthcare community. I think it's important to understand the dangers of Bad Psychiatry and Medicalized Perfectionism. Not every little imperfection of a living organism can be corrected. Sometimes we simply are imperfect beings. Imperfect beings that will never be perfect.
We are imperfect beings that get over diagnosed, overanalyzed, over criticized for our imperfections and this leads to things like thoughts of harm to self or others, agitation, PTSD, and broken trust. Forced medication is not ok. Goading is not ok. Threats are not ok. Lying and playing games is not ok. Slapping on a new dx and new drugs and blaming the patient is not helpful. Remember the Hippocratic oath, because, contrary to popular belief, I can and will always find a more ethical provider somewhere else and word does spread. Even if I don't file a complaint, it spreads.
And you can blame yourselves for that.
Gender Conformity and Ableism
I think two forces that have had major destructive impacts on my life are Gender Conformity and Ableism. Ableism is a big part of mental health stigma, but they are not the same.
Ableism is the belief that people who are nuerotypical (don't have things like autism, Down's Syndrome, retardation, mental illness, etc) and physically normal (not in wheelchairs, etc), are superior to those who are different. This goes back to Asperger, Nazism, and medicalized perfection. See the Nazis wanted perfect people too, all blue and blonde haired and strong and perfect. Only America takes it in a different direction. Instead of overtly trying to genetically perfect the population, we use other means. We stigmatize people who are different ("We're going to have to ship him out of state", jail threats, put downs, denial of accommodations) we use means to "thin out the herd".
We're not that much different from Nazis in some ways. The Nazis performed human experimentation to try to find ways to perfect humans. They gave amphetamines to soldiers, performed unethical medical experiments on Jews, they had a vision. I try to tolerate people who are different and find things to appreciate in them. Because I know what it's like to be medically perfected and examined from every angle to find faults.
Gender conformity is slightly different in that it's about the idea that men and women have distinctly different roles in society due to their biological differences. Some common ideas are that women should not work and that men are supposed to be strong and silent and all about their careers. It's very black and white thinking applied to genetic differences. Like Ableism, it fails to take into the account that humans are imperfect living organisms that do not conform to schematics. We were not designed, we were formed or created as imperfect beings to live in harmony, not to destroy one another.
Post ER Visit
It feels good to be getting Pristiq back in my system. I was really relieved by the difference in the ER staff yesterday. They were much more receptive.
I think I need to reduce my mychart messages more. I get frustrated with the doctors and some of the staff. I'm trying to increase my trust and improve my regulation. I may have called the doctors something like jealous incompetent idiots or something like that and I believe I told them that some people should rot in hell. Maybe a bit abrasive. Maybe I'm oversensitive. I'm trying to take this in a more positive direction. Because I believe that rather than fantasizing about guns and explosives that I should focus on trying to treat them the way I want to be treated. So that's what I tried to do. I was actually there for about 4-5 hours, not 2. I lose track of time.
So now I just need the rest of the pristiq. And to stay positive. Be me. The best me I can be.
Sunday, July 13, 2025
Problems
What I do have a problem with (other then fancy diagnoses) is anger, trauma, poverty, and lack of mental presence. I'm very spacey. I don't expect people to give a damn, but I do have to deal with it, whether you think I'm faking or not. The autism and adhd are the more complex underlying problems. It's not that hard to understand. All you need is the desire to truly understand, and it's following basic sentences. A high schooler can do it.
The starting point is autism. ADHD, most people understand already. Then slap on some trauma dissociation, and bingo, you have someone who is intelligent, different, and not very present. Comes from decades of repeated trauma. Ods, comas, severe depression, hospitalizations, these all qualify as trauma. No cure. It's fairly permanent. Pretty much all of it. Permanent disability. I can still do things, but the emotional dysregulation, spaceiness and communication issues will make full time work and many major endeavors unrealistic.
THC
Dedication
I keep getting distracted, but if I'm trying to get my days back down to a system, just a different system. A system focused around accountec, writing, and health. As I keep saying getting too old for stretching myself thin, for chaos. I can't afford distractions.
Trust Issues
Trust issues refer to the difficulties a person experiences in believing in the reliability, honesty, and integrity of others, often stemming from past negative experiences. These issues can manifest as fear of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation, and they can significantly impact relationships, leading to anxiety, suspicion, and difficulty forming close connections.
Signs of Trust Issues:
Fear of betrayal or abandonment:
Individuals with trust issues may anticipate being hurt or mistreated, leading them to be guarded and hesitant to open up emotionally.
Difficulty forming close relationships:
They may struggle to trust others, making it hard to form and maintain intimate friendships or romantic relationships.
Suspiciousness and skepticism:
They may constantly question others' intentions and motives, even when there's no logical reason to do so.
Anxiety and insecurity:
Trust issues can lead to heightened anxiety, worry, and a general sense of unease in social situations.
Avoidance and withdrawal:
They may avoid social situations or relationships altogether to minimize potential pain or disappointment.
Difficulty forgiving:
Small slights or misunderstandings may be difficult to forgive, potentially causing further strain on relationships.
Low self-esteem:
Trust issues can sometimes be linked to low self-esteem, as individuals may not believe they are worthy of trust or love.
Causes of Trust Issues:
Past experiences of betrayal, abandonment, or trauma:
These can include experiences like infidelity, abuse, or neglect.
Adverse childhood experiences:
Difficult or traumatic childhoods can significantly impact a person's ability to trust others.
Mental health conditions:
Anxiety disorders, depression, and other mental health conditions can contribute to trust issues.
Insecure attachment styles:
Individuals with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may be more prone to trust issues.
Gaslighting or narcissistic abuse:
These experiences can erode a person's sense of self and make it difficult to trust their own perceptions, let alone the perceptions of others.
How to Overcome Trust Issues:
Seek professional help: Therapy or counseling can help individuals process past traumas, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to build trust.
Work on self-esteem and self-compassion: Building self-esteem can make it easier to believe in oneself and feel worthy of trust from others.
Practice mindfulness and self-awareness: Paying attention to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can help individuals identify triggers and patterns related to trust issues.
Communicate openly and honestly: Communicating needs and boundaries can help build trust in relationships.
Start small and build trust gradually: Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, so it's important to start with small, manageable steps and build up from there.
Forgive yourself and others: Forgiveness is essential for moving forward and letting go of past hurts.
Be patient and persistent: Overcoming trust issues is a journey, and it's important to be patient with oneself and celebrate small victories.
Damaged Trust
Angels of Mercy
Acrylic paints
I finally got some actual acrylic paint, not just markers. I'm working on my first amateurpiece. Impression of a stormy sky. Next, I'm going to try to knock out a couple of poems and some of the messenger. The meds are getting back into my system so I'm getting some relief.
Spidey went down to di ER to get checked out. Saw 3 docs. The first ER doc just talked to me. Den di doc Spidey saw in march did a very basic exam. Darcy. Den di head doc. They got me my some of my meds called in. The nursing staff seemed less alarmed. Didn't mention Elle's name. Darcy recognized me. She was quiet.
I told the 1st er doc about how I was scared of hospitals. She said they would take good care. I told the head doc about the trust issues and the traumatic march hospitalization that started right there. I told a patient observer about how the hospital used to seem like family. All I said to Darcy was that I recognized her. She said yeah, I remember I took care of you.
I feel better about this experience because they really heard me and were able to help.
I do the things I did before
I write stories more and more
And then they say where's that crazy guy
You don't get work a lot and joke no more
I don't see me anymore
Since 2020 came
The plans I make don't have me in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
Are oh so far from view
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat
Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet
And I would never lie to you,
No, I would never lie to you,
I never thought I'd feel so very through
But it feels true...
The plans I make still have you in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly seem so far it's true
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background
I only know but I am, way,
I'm way in the background.
Dear Leaves,
I hope that I'm doing this right. I've had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very, very afraid to talk to people. It seems like I never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop, and I never figure out what went wrong. I can't stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often than clear, but that's nothing new. I need to find a better way.
Ashes
Dear God,
How's Peter doing? Think he will recognize me? Have I done enough good? Am I reaching anyone? Being kind is challenging sometimes. I've gotten lost again. It's become a habit. There's so many people I miss. Some are long gone. Others are far. Still others are on some sortof vacation, whether temporary or permanent.
I need some guidance here. Don't let me walk blindly. I'm afraid of what I might hit.
Ashes
Saturday, July 12, 2025
Regrets
I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?
I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.
Humility
I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light.
Adsense
So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about.
Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me understand more clearly how to change it to make it approvable.
Today
Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present.
The Journey
Anyways, I've gotten a little frustrated along the way. But if you can follow sentences then you can follow the history. It all started at MIP... with diagnoses like ADHD, Aspergers, and Bipolar. Then there was McClean, then Lost'n Rigged, then back down here with Prichards, and they added dissociation under the medical cPTSD umbrella with Leaves, then Molly added DID and Bipolar became a point of disagreement, then Prichards quit and I went back to MIP and the outpatient there with Artstick and coffee, then CCBH, Springbrook, then MIP again, and it was one big beautiful chaos. Inbetween, Leaves and Molly talked. Artstick and molly talked. then MIP tried to get rid of molly. Now here I am. I'm back with Molly, Artstick, and Coffee.
What I think we can all agree on is that there is a very real problem(s). We sometimes disagree on the exact nature of that problem(s) and its solution(s). What I have to focus on is my life outside of hospitals. Because it's not about Elle, or molly, or leaves, or any of these professionals. Nor is it about THC or Spravato, which became a problem of its own.
What's important to me is that I like people, and I like to write, and I know accounting. I need to focus. I can't afford more distractions or BS. I can't be alone forever. I need to focus on stability with the things I love and working with the people that know how to help. Because I want to take care of someone other than just me. I truly believe that is completely possible.
I just can't afford distractions. That's why I'm being careful with who and what I am around. I'm far too old for this chaos. I have no interest or patience for explaining myself to people that do not have the patience or the desire to understand. Not everyone needs to understand me. Some people are more "Hi" and wave types.
My life belongs to me. I decide where it goes. I'm continuing to look for work and to take my meds and see my professionals and to work on writing. I do have problems. Sometimes I lose sight of my limits. Sometimes I get a little out of touch with reality. Sometimes I get stuck on events or people or circumstances. Physically I'm in good condition. I need stability and restraint, both internally and from the people around me. And that is what I hope to see.
What I don't Expect vs What I do
I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye.
What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s).
I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true.
What I do expect is that I will get my meds filled ASAP because the sudden stopping of Pristiq and the problems with anger and focus are real problems. The bullshit lies about addiction are not. They are an unproductive diversion.
I'm trying to forget the past and to avoid unhealthy situations.
(This is how we blew it)
(This is how we blew it)
It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight
The screwup was there on southwest side
So I reach for my BP and I turn it up
Designated doc take the keys to my chart
LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded
I feel so screwed by my crew tonight
The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward
All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING
You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged
So light up your chart and throw your hands up
And let me hear the staffers say
(This is how we blew it)
Southwest does it like nobody does
(This is how we blew it)
Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme
(This is how we blew it)
Disburse them from here to there
If you're an big time shrink or a wanna-be druggist
Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain.
But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sins of having the courage to call people out for their bullshit. Here I am being lied about and verbally assaulted in hospitals because I contacted a nurse or because I objected to my former psychiatrist engaging in repeated boundary violations and unethical conduct and having the courage to report such conduct to the Medical Board. But no, we're not done yet, let's rinse and repeat. Because we haven't blamed the patient enough for our ethical failures. Cuz we're so damn perfect, us doctors. We gotta circle the wagons and find excuses and lies and scapegoats.
NEVER MIND that we recommended and prescribed the meds. NEVER MIND the patient was following our instructions to take THC as we repeatedly encouraged. Let's blame the patient and run him around from this center to that, finding new lies and problems at every turn just to run his insurance into the ground. Never mind that it pissed off IMA so much. Never mind our own failures, let's blame the patient. Great ideas guys. Then let's get the staff and patients to help. Let's demonize and find every possible fault, real or imaginary and blow them out of all proportion in order to perfect the maximum. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud. And I'm tired of it. Just be glad I have a counselor that knows what she is doing FAR BETTER than any of you. Otherwise, this would be a situation for the attention of a court it's such a fucking mess.
I don't have enough metaphors for this shit, but maybe someday I will.
Targeting and South Carolina Hospitals
Friday, July 11, 2025
Weird Ideas Part IV
So yeah... It's not like I picked her because I wanted to hurt her. I picked her because she was young and just a tech and seemed a little naive. I picked her because she was half my weight. I picked her because she seemed to trust me. But in the end, as angry as I was and as much as I wanted to leave, I didn't want to hurt her. Because I like people. She was sweet. Kind. I liked her too much to hurt her.
Elle was different. Much more aware. Knew me much better. She knew exactly what she was doing in the storage closet.
Weird Ideas part III - Contingency plans
I'm trying to do this counseling so I can express myself better but I'm getting too old to be arguing with mental health workers and family about what I need. I'm getting too old to be alone. I can be useful if people WILL LET ME BE USEFUL. I can cook and clean and work if I have the right help and medication and people WILL GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have education in three $&T*#$# fields!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET ME HELP. DON'T THREATEN ME, DON'T LIE TO ME, let me help. And be satisfied with less than perfect. Otherwise, yes, you'll be doing everything and I'll be useless. They call it a right to work state. I'd like to do that.
Weird Ideas p II - Anger Management
It was a long time ago and I wasn't getting the right help. I had a lot of anger. Like I said she was young. Maybe mid-twenties. About ten years younger. You spend enough time around places like MIP, you get pushed too hard, you don't express your feelings... things can go in weird directions. There was a hall leading from the unit down to the cafeteria. There was a turn. That was the first marker. You go past there, in the evening... No one can see from the unit... not many workers around... sound doesn't carry that great...
You spend enough time in these places... you get angry enough...
By the time you get to the X, and it's evening, and there's no one around but you and some 20 something woman about half your weight who's not even paying attention... either she was brave or foolish. Because she carried one of those key cards. And I was tired of that place. All I needed was my hand over her mouth at the X, drag her into 1 or two, and there's no way in hell she would be able to stop me from getting that damn card and somehow disabling her. These doctors, they make angry walking around like Gods, looking down their noses at people like me. Threatening. Manipulating. Because I'm human too, I'm not getting paid for this BS. They should just be glad that I liked her.
I didn't want to hurt her. She was nice. They should just be glad. Cuz I'm not stupid. And I can figure things out. She would be in 2, and I would have gone not through the visitor's entrance where they would have seen me, but right back up that hall to the exit marked freedom. No one would have caught me fast enough; I would have been gone. And if she had been smart, she wouldn't have stood in my way. But she was nice. I didn't want to hurt her.
Past Reflections
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The full strength of the storm had set itself against me and I had prevailed. In all honesty, it was not even a proper mountain, merely a gl...
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The voice on the phone was familiar to him and still talking, but he had stopped listening several minutes ago. She obviously didn't...
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For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a ...
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I have lost my way before, it's true. I have retreated into the distance, pulling back from the world in pursuit of shelter from the sto...
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I can honestly say I never understood the world. I was naïve. The people around me told me I had to change, to be like them. I wanted to, bu...