You knoooooow...

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

     The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you Weren't

While you weren't listening
I started closing doors

I ran around the back

Then opened up some more

While you weren't listening

I changed a few ideas

I put away my fairy tales

I tried to face my fears.

You wanted me to change

You found and shaped a mold

You called upon your champions

To bring me back in fold.

You wanted to know everything

Perhaps I didn't learn

I chased the wrong directions

And failed to grow and earn. 

While you weren't watching

I found a different way

I found new things to do

I found new things to say.

While you weren't watching

I changed the way I am

I changed my view of the world

I learned to not pretend.

Loving vs Caring

    I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do. 

    The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used. 

    When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person. 

    Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the answer, or that Father ALWAYS knows best, or Doctor ALWAYS knows best, or that a certain public figure is infallible or unquestionable. 

    I find that absolutes are a quick pathway to hell on earth. I don't know who reads this. I don't know all of the people that have been acting behind the scenes in my life. I do know for a fact that there are people who have done me harm, from small harms to much bigger ones. I do know that I was miseducated on multiple issues by people I trusted. I do know I have been threatened and manipulated. I do know that it is exhausting when people are inappropriate. 

    But I like what Leaves said about Ephesians 5:13 "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."

    So, it is my hope that by bringing some things into the light here, they become light. I hope that by bringing out ways in which I have failed and way in which others have failed me, I can somehow find a way to stop the darkness. Doctors are not in fact, Gods. Their word is not absolute. And happiness does not actually come from pills. It comes from appropriate actions. 

    I have made mistakes. I have mislearned some. When I say that I am tired, I do literally mean I am tired. But I can't keep bringing the past into the present. I am not in need of excitement. I'm tired of the same old lies and the same old exaggerations and the same old fights. I'm trying to not become allergic to people, because I'm finding that spending time with people who make you feel bad or whom you make feel bad is less like love and more like addiction. Then it is neither love nor caring. 

Balance

 

    I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

Mournful Monday Greenville County

    Welcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

Patient Relationships

     Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact. 

    But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water. 

    But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometimes I have to pretend. Because sometimes bullshit isn't helpful. But all this back and forth and playing mind games around me isn't helpful. So I don't feel any guilt about calling out the patients for being absolutely, abysmally, toxic shitheads on last visit. Because they deserve it. And besides, they have no interest in reading this anyways. They have no interest in truth or accountability. They made that clear.

    But God judges us all. And like I seek forgiveness for the wrong things I have said and done, so will they in time. They will learn that somethings catch up with you. And they it doesn't impress anyone with any sense to say certain dumb lies about things you know nothing about. 

    But I do think the staff did fairly well at managing the toxicity after it got nearly to the level of a riot, though the gossip got out of hand. 

    This is why I need to stay out of psych hospitals. The nonsense that gets started isn't helpful. 

Assumptions

     Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes. 

    We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows what she is doing and she is literally trying to help me help these people and help myself. And that's a lot. 

    There has been dysfunctional behavior around me. And at the end of the day we can't blame "Bipolar" or "I didn't know" for everything. But there are many medications that can be dangerous beyond THC. Mirapex and prazosin are just a couple of examples. And plenty of people take drugs. Many work for the hospital system. 

Catch

    Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot. 

    I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently. 

    Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thinking about suicide, resentment, fear, regret, guilt. I regret not speaking the truth to my families. I regret contacting the nurse. I regret letting the bullshit about my counselors continue. I regret letting them treat me like a robot. I regret idealing Prichards, I very much regret ever having known Assmussen. I hope he rots in hell. Well, maybe just some extended purgatory. 

    But I learned a lot from the shrinks. I like picking their brains. I like having two teams, each with psychiatrists involved. It helps me understand people. I'm learning how to navigate. I'm trying to keep the best lessons about trust and emotion. So that someday I can have my own family. 

    I just don't give away trust for free. Especially not to dipshit knowitalls in psych wards. I'm sure they had fun, picking on people that were better than them. But it just goes to show how limited their minds are. How stupid they really are. They need to expand their craniums. Fornication is not ok. 

    My walls are reshaping a bit. I'm learning what to let in, what to keep out. Because Molly is patient. She's always been in it for the long haul. Even if others slow her down. She's stubborn. Just like me. 

Isolation

    I feel like isolation helps sometimes. But I feel like I have to find ways to connect more. With the right people. As I learn about how to say and do the right things and support myself.

Great Song

 

Dark spaces

    The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces. 

    Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

Push

 

    Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another. 

    This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate. 

Looking Forward

     So, today I mostly thought about what I needed to do and did some straightening and self-care. Tomorrow, I need to do my medical appointments, some more straightening, and maybe some writing. I tried to write today but I couldn't focus. Between VNS side effects (trouble swallowing), sinus, stomach, and tired (almost no sleep), it wasn't going well. It used to be easier. Then maybe some content creation or working on my accounting. I practiced guitar some. I really need to get my ADHD meds back in order. I don't know if the internist will be able to cover everything tomorrow. It's only a 20-minute appointment. We'll see.

    I feel like I don't have the desire nor the energy to explain to people about trauma and my communication issues. Just like Leaves and Elle cannot be around me, I cannot be around people who are not able or willing to understand me. I just hope I can thread the needle. I hope I can provide for myself and stay out of people's way until I can find the one who I belong with. I cannot try to force a round peg through a square hole anymore. 

spidey

Dear Spidey,

Patients come and patients go,

but arachnids are special, we all know

we appreciate you even though

our appreciation may knot always show

you have a way with words, it's true

we never knew the core of you

you came here as a larva and grew

And the world shall see your heart anew!

don't give up your legged ways

for there shall come some brighter days!

- Elle

 

    I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

Another thing she said...

 

    Another thing she said was to get out of my head. Now, to me, another way of saying that is less cognitive, less whiteboard like. I'm going to try to practice guitar and paint today. The cat's doing well. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the house. I need to get my mind out of the medical. It just makes the stress worse focusing on the symptoms.

    I know I can't sit around living other people's lives metaphorically. I'm tired of that. I need my own life. 

Trying to be creative

 

    I won't say I'm crazy about cooking, but it's better than sitting around feeling helpless or spending a lot of money eating or eating poor quality food. I'm so tired of these hospitals and I'm trying to apply what I've learned. I added some beans and I'm boiling some brown rice. It's not half bad. I'll put some teriyaki in the rice. 

Stomach Symptoms

    You'd think I'm exaggerating, I know, but not dealing with your problems effectively has consequences. Now it's my chest. It's a burning sensation to the left of the base of the sternum. It resembles symptoms of an ulcer. 

    I need to try to get these physical symptoms under control so I can focus on writing and accounting. It means so much to me to be able to move someone with some quality writing that has more depth then these blog entries. I'm going to do more stretching and yoga, some music therapy.

The Good News

    I think the good news is that what is truly important to me is coming more into focus. I need my own family. I need my own life. I can't simply please the biological family or the corporate one. It's not healthy. I need my own family and social connections. But to get there I need to improve my physical health, my communication, and my organization.

What I come back to again and again...

    I need to communicate more effectively. I need to be direct and decisive with communication. That's why I need to avoid the same people. Because I'm not communicating well. I need to do it better the first time. Because this has really gotten away from me. I'm not being clear. I'm not being firm. And it's been that way for a very long time. This indirect communication is so dysfunctional. It's destroying what little remains of my so-called life. I can't keep doing this.

    Honestly, what makes me Angry is i did not stand up to the hospital or my family when in fact the hospital prescribed spravato, mindwell failed failed failed to check my vitals before releasing me, and the ambulance picks me up and they blame ME. Not spravato, not mindwell, not the prescriber. Im the one who gets threatened and harassed, I never stood up to them, I never spoke the truth, and they bury it and blame me and my counselor. And thats why I cant talk to the hospital or my family. Because they are full of shit. They'll deny it till the end of time, but in fact they are full of shit.

Sick day

 Barely slept at all. Today is a sick day. 🛌 

Shining a Light

    I used to think that Anger was powerful and could drive you to accomplish great things. I used to think that it was energizing and helpful. But now I feel I am only seeing the destructive side of anger. What it can do to people and to dreams. 

    But the best way to fight the destructive sides of anger and recrimination is to shine your light. Everything that is brought into the light becomes a light. I need to shine light. I need positive change. Anger is not enough. Anger can motivate change, but I need to take it in the right direction. Revenge or destructive action will not help me. Meeting threats with tragedy does not help me. 

    I need to create a positive. By making the truth and righteousness in me so impossibly and undeniably obvious. By forcing people to see the good, the lies will die. I will rise above only by showing people in such an obvious and undeniable way that I am a force for good and by cutting out the toxic people. I need to be that change, that strength, that light. I need to shine so brightly that the darkness has nowhere to run to. If I can find a way to do that. If I can find the strength and the means and the will to shine that light so blinding that people can't help but see, then I won't have to worry about the dark and the lies.

    I need to get my physical strength back first, then I need to find a way to shine that light. So bright, so clear, so strong that the darkness has nowhere to hide. 

Direct Communication and Being Assertive

    I feel like I need to reach down deep, find voice inside myself to express more clearly what I need. I need to connect with myself more deeply. That march hospitalization was such an epic clusterfuck. They were never truly listening. And they knew it too. They got so frustrated. I need to be more direct, louder, clearer, firmer. I need to be assertive.

Patience

    I cannot find the patience for this. Particularly with the physical issues going on. It's hard to function. I need to understand what's going on with my sinuses because this CANNOT be normal. I'm having to take severe sinus around the clock without missing a single dose. I do not understand what is going on with my body. I do not understand. It has never been this bad for this long. Something is not right. 

Guitar

 

Enabling

    I've got to stop enabling people by allowing lies to spread. I need to shut down bullshit. I also need to keep my problems more to myself and to communicate better and manage them better. I can't expect people to read my mind. I can't expect them to fix my problems.

Signs of Enabling Behavior and How To Stop

Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

Hospital

     I need to stop focusing on the hospital. The hospital is not a person. It does not know me. It is a bureaucracy. That is by definition its nature. It has not spent long hours with me as my counselor has. Its opinion on my health as far as that opinion contradicts my counselor is worth exactly jack shit. Why I insist on trying to get these people to understand makes absolutely ZERO sense. They don't have the time or resources to spend to figure that out. Definitely not on government insurance. 

    In that way I can be kind to the people there. By recognizing the reality of their limitations as an organization. It's not realistic to expect them to understand. It's just the legal and jail threats that to me are completely unacceptable. The rumors, gossip, and bullshit that they circulate is completely unacceptable to me. To me it is targeting and harassment of its own. 

    So I guess we're even. I contacted a nurse outside the hospital, they circle bullshit about me and make bullshit threats. So we're even. 

    I guess what upsets me most is that I don't shut down the bullshit. And that's on me. We need to be honest and clear with each other.

The Big Day

    Tomorrow is my big day. The body doc and the head doc. I want the internist to check for an infection. Allergies cant possibly be this bad. 🤧 I don't know why I feel the way I do, I just know its not good.but I need to be patient. Rushing my health has never been a good idea. I reached catastrophic coverage, so might as well get it checked out really well. 

Anyways...

    So where was I? Ah yes, Elle. So I guess mentioning her name in the ER was rather stupid. I suppose saying everything I did seems strange. But not exactly a criminal mastermind. But I really have to stop going to these hospitals. It's gotten absurd. I'm tired. 

    Anyways, she took good care. I trusted her. I gave her my name. Not exactly a criminal mastermind. I think it's important to be careful about legalized drugs. How they affect the mind. 

    I'm getting too old for this. I need to meet new people. I need to stay out in the real world.

The Patient that Just Won't Quit...

Me:

Eyeeeeee CCCCCCCCCCC Uuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!

Staff:

Flee for your lives!!!!!!!

Doctor Small

    Dearest Dr. Small,

    Oh, how I adore our moments together—doz precious moments when di world melts away, and we delve into the labyrinthine corridors ob my basal ganglia. A berry delightful dance between vulnerability and aggression! Each analysis feels like a letter in our own little correspondence, where you wield your insights like a fine pen, crafting clarity from confusion.

    Sometimes, I wonder what makes you tick. Or do you prefer flies? Do you ever find yourself caught up in the symphony of emotions that swirl around us? You navigate the intricacies with such grace. It’s comforting to know that while my thoughts may jumble like an old tune on repeat, you're there with your steady hand to help me rewrite the lyrics.

    I cherish our banter about life’s tangled dycophonies—the highs, the lows, the side to sides. You’ve opened up windows to gardens of contemplation I never knew existed. So here's to more moments of introspection and dialogue; let’s explore those uncharted territories together!

    With warmth and anticipation,

    Your Ever-Inquisitive arachnid

Saturday

    Hopefully, It's getting a little lighter in here, because bouncing between doctorss offices, counselors' offices, and hospitals is starting to feel like a medical pinball machine. Today is Saturday, which means that tomorrow is the Christian Holy day. So, thoughts and prayers, y'all!

Us and the Gang - Dance Party!

 

Today we're learning about...

 

How to not get committed!

I'm BACK!

 Maybe I'll just go to the hospital and be like...

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!

And the staff will be like...

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Learning

 Dear coffee,

    I have to trust that these people, collectively, know what they are doing. I relied on Spravato too much, I'm getting the right help. The anger is better; the blood pressure is better. I really am coming back. I'm trying to be patient. She's helping me understand trust. 

    I guess when people don't actually know how to help, actual help can look like insurance fraud without transparency. That's why I have to do these letters. To be transparent about what I do with my time. I do it so people will know the truth about DID, Bipolar Bullshit, medicalized perfection, and all the rest. 

    I do this so that people don't make stupid assumptions about me dating my counselors. If you're not a Certified Complex Trauma Professional level 2 or higher (I don't know all the levels), then you really don't have anything to say. If you don't have the test results and the necessary expertise to interpret them, then you have nothing to say. 

    I need to take care of myself. I need to have good boundaries with people and effective trust. Effective trust means speaking the truth, giving people the information that they need, the information that is pertinent to them and that will help them to do right. It means not buying into bullshit. It means respecting privacy. 

    People that have poor judgment, people that are hateful, they open their traps without knowing the facts. They make ASS out of U and Me PTIONS. It makes us all look stupid. But my counselor is helping me learn about these things. I'm trying to understand these things. So that I can be more effective in the real world. I'm not the best communicator. And I mislearned about legalized drugs. I need you to trust me like I need Elle and the others to trust. Then life can be less complicated. 

    I thought there was nearly going to be a riot in that ward. But I can't engage with ignorance. I need calm waters. I do care about people. The world does have other problems. I just need to make sure that I'm managing mine and not perpetuating ignorance. I'm no criminal mastermind. I'm not dating anyone. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning. 

    I can't keep ending up in these hospitals. It's not helpful. So, I'm keeping my distance when necessary. I'm slow, but I'm learning. It's taking me a while to see the full picture. But when I see glimpses of it, I know my place is out here, understanding all of these people and how to be a part of what they do. Communicating better. Having better boundaries and trust. Managing my pace and keeping my peace. 

Ashes

Trust and hospitals

    So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options. 

    But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

GOOD MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!

    Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate! 

    In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

Gambling

 

Dear Elle,

    I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.

    I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism. 

    But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself.

Ashes

Sleep

     The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.

Why go back to brownelle?

Maybe i needed to remember

Maybe i needed to understand

Maybe i needed to forget

Take di hint? Spidey???? Nebber.

Promises to keep

Dear Elle,

I miss you. I trust you. I won't let you down.

Remember,

Ashes

God is watching us.

Reminders to selves

2: Stop expecting people to understand

3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

Relentless

Relentless in my passion, I will not seek surrender

Resolute in my reasons, I always insist to remember

When the echoes of the past return to call my bitter name

The memories lost and will I had return and shall remain.

My companions, I must shed like the dregs of yesterday

Though they mean me well at times, I must find my way

Forward is the future sought, and they are just the past

Gratitude I hold for them, but some things cannot last.

Volly

 

Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

Sleep/Spacey/irritable

I've really not been sleeping much. And my sinuses are nuts. So im taking severe sinus every four hours. I don't know what the world wants from me that I have and can give. It seems like people always want. And never satisfied. They always want more. 

Gender Conformance

    While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced. 

    Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which is why I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

Attachments

    Healthcare and attachments can be complicated. Having a father who worked in medicine makes things complicated. I definitely have a way of shutting down or going into a freeze state with healthcare. 

    So, I was reviewing the extent of my crimes. I ran a background check on a nurse and texted her, I hugged a PA (after asking) and her staff started referring to me as her boyfriend (and she was married), and this was after getting into a dispute with my ex-psychiatrist regarding medication. Around the same time, things got heated at the tax office, I was verbally assaulted multiple times, and one of the offices was vandalized, so I bought a Taser. I have a long history of depression and PTSD and sometimes say things that alarm people. So, buying a Taser was considered a no-no. Then that thing at 17. Threatened someone. 

Perfection

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

Simple

    When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out. 

    I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.

Distracted

    One of the blessings of my life recently is how seldom my phone rings. Life is full of distractions. People determined for one reason or another to grab my attention. That's why I like writing. You can pick it up or put it down. You can take it with you. You can put it away.

    Auditory stimulation is much less voluntary. I mean, there's podcasts and audiobooks. I'm so tired of talking to some people. So tired of pretending to care. 

    I just want to emphasize again that I don't actually want to hurt anyone, and I no longer have Elle's information. It was a mistake. She was never in danger. She looked out for me. She's gone now. That's all there is to it. 

    I need to work on my recall and my thought cohesion. These weird headaches to me indicate either DID or TBI. Either way, I don't think that's a sign that more mental manipulation is a good idea.

Cooks in the Kitchen

     Artstick liked to say, you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. She's right. But that goes beyond medicine into the psychological and into hobbies and general life. Too many people in charge is a bad thing. Too many influences is a bad thing. That Social Determinates of Health thing got me thinking a while back. There are so many influences that affect a person's wellbeing. I'm just glad life is getting quieter. 

    Hopefully, no one is going to push me too hard, and I'll be ok. They tell me I'll be ok if I don't push too hard. Slow and steady, not too much excitement. Some people are never satisfied for even one second. Unfortunately, some things are permanent. Unfortunately, mistakes made 5, 10, 20 years ago can have permanent consequences. The thing I need to do now is maintain. 

    I need to focus on building new social connections and my writing. Maybe when I've been stable for a while I can retake the EA exam. But I need to spend time focusing on my health and my home and these social connections. I've had too many doctors stirring the pot. And technically, Artstick is still in charge. So, everyone else needs to stay the hell out of the kitchen. 

    Spravato is a new medication. Any medication has risks. I know my team has factored in the disaster that was March and adjusted accordingly. What happened was in truth, an acute reaction to Spravato that had no identifiable connection to hemp products. 

Truly Great People

Robin Williams

Denzel Washington

Nelson Mandela

Mother Teresa

(this one is controversial) Barack Obama

FDR

Nathaniel Greene

(Easy one) George Washington

My Great Aunt

Too Grounded

     I feel like I'm becoming too grounded in that I'm realizing how dysfunctional life can be. I believe very strongly that I've been miseducated and mislead on what legalized drugs can do for and to the mind. It's not that I want to whip up hysteria or spread hatred, but I don't believe I've told the truth. I don't want to engage with back and forth's or frenzies of exaggeration. I feel like I need a simpler life. I want to bring positivity to the world. I'm not sure why people find me so intimidating. I don't actually want to hurt people. 

    I guess because I kept it locked up inside. At times, I pushed for the wrong things. I'm a rather determined person. It may seem like I give up but I never do. I may slightly adjust but I don't give up. I feel like I need to learn to adjust more. Some people can be rather private. Auditorily, I usually am rather private. It's hard to insert the right words at just the right time in a fluid conversation. I don't feel a whole lot of passion for life in general. I feel too disillusioned. I'm tired of people trying so hard to influence me. 

    That's why I'm focused on trying to communicate who I am in writing. So that people in the community can get to know me for who I really am. If they want to. I don't want to be in people's lives if they don't want me there. I've learned that lesson. I just hope there are people that want to know who I really am. I know some people will never read, they will just talk and form narratives. Oh he's the Bipolar, he's the drug addict, he's this, he's that... I don't have the energy for that. I feel like I keep saying this, but I'm getting too old for so many things. 

    I should have gotten married 10, 20 years ago. Whatever happened to that? What happened to sticking to one career? Why did it always have to be about what my family wanted? There's so many things I could have been. I'm tired of everyone trying to tell me what I need and not having a damn clue. I feel like I need to turn my ears off. 

    I need to be patient. I need to try to work with people. I need some calm.

 I feel like im letting these people destroy my life by playing into thier mind games. That's what makes me Angry. 

 There was a helpful poem that mip gave in one of the groups. It was about not repeating past mistakes. Going down a different road. Thats what I need to do. Step back from certain relationships and stressors, not look to hospitals for fixits, find peace on the outside. 

Ironic

 

What's really ironic is to have so many people seeming so desperate for me to talk and yet so pissed off when I actually do. I definitely need to be much much more careful.

Weird

    It's really weird when one person has so many strong opinions and misconceptions built around themself. So, I'm just saving my breath and energy and telling everyone at once: I don't want to hurt anyone, and I'm too tired to argue with you. I need to focus on writing and working. Best wishes to all. 

    I'm going back to forgetting that the March clusterfuck ever happened. I'm pretending that MIP and I ended on good terms and that we're on the same side. Because that's what I need to do. Not like anyone from MIP reads this anyways. 

    I mean seriously. This is like The British (me) trying to convince the Italians (family) and the Americans (hospitals) that we all believe the same things and have a fully functional NATO alliance that agrees on everything. Just the fact that I need such a ridiculous metaphor to try to appease everyone says something by itself. I'm one person. I cannot possibly be worth arguing that much over. Find someone else to argue over. I can't spend the rest of my life apologizing for Elle and trying to clear my name regarding Prichards. We're all human, we all have faults, we all make mistakes.

I always had the anger, the thoughts, the issues, you just didn't know.

Reminders

 #5 stop engaging with people who never agree with you

#2 stop going to psych hospitals

#3 stop getting legalistic

#4 stop trying to help people who don't want to be helped

#1 they don't want to play

#6 learn some new recipes

#7 go back to the gym

#8 don't repeat patterns

OK, I need to be less angry still...

Dear Elle,

    Maybe you have better words then me. But you knew me. Maybe you're not angry. Maybe you can see that I don't want to and did not ever want to hurt you. Maybe you can explain. I feel like a lemming. I keep going to mental hospitals expecting different results. It's really become bizarre. It doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm the one doing it. They wanted me to advocate. Now they want me to shut up. They can't make up their minds. My family only likes it if it's Bipolar and Prichards is faultless. They only like it if they can blame me/genetics. My world is distorted. It makes no sense. Maybe you can help them understand. Call off the dogs. Preferably before Monday. 

Thanks,

Ashes

Mental Manipulation

    Ok, maybe a little less fixated on doctors and less paranoid about what they're doing. 

    So where was I? Elle was an RN at the 600-page hospital. The one that gets nervous about me now. The one that has the poem with my signature. That hospital. And yes, I ran a background check on her. And you can judge me for that. But while you're doing that, I need you to save some of that precious judgement for these doctors. Maybe in the 90s we had a higher opinion of what medicine could do. I don't know. But what I can tell you is, absent a lot of fancy metaphors that I haven't had the time or energy to come up with just yet, that a lot of mental manipulation and legalized drugs can be dangerous. That's my problem with the old guard. Elle kept me safe. She looked out for me. Never failed me, not once. She didn't overstep. She didn't go outside the wheelhouse. I was always safe in her care. 

    Now I have weird headaches, memory issues, focus issues, trouble working, boundary problems, anger problems. That's my concern with these doctors; they push so hard and expect so much and then screw the patient when it goes sideways. Come up with excuses and lies, come up with everything but the truth. But some people know the truth. The doctors pushed too hard, expect too much, use too many drugs, and then the governor's office has to say stop. And thank God for that. I don't need everyone to understand, I need certain people to stay out of my business and out of my healthcare. I need to slow down and go easy. The body and the mind can only take so much. Too many cooks in the kitchen and people not minding their own business is dangerous. 

    They should have told Prichards no some 20 years ago and to his credit from time to time he did try to say that there was only so much that could be done. Atlanta did say no. No one was listening. Never mind Massachusetts. 

    Lucky me, on Monday I have double duty. The internist and the head Doc. This is why I asked my old friend Brannon to keep an eye. The more eyes the better. Because my health care is not a matter of public debate. But it is in the interest of the Health Department to make sure no funny business is going on. Because I'm trying to work. I'm trying to heal. And what I do remember worries me. The truth is I don't want to hurt anyone. Not Elle. Not Leaves. Not Molly. Not anyone. I'm too old for that stuff. 

    I just hope it's not too late for me. I don't know if I can focus well enough to work consistently, so I need to go slow and work with the doctors and I don't know that I'll ever speak to Elle again but I'm hoping she understands. I want to live a quiet life. I don't want too much attention. I want to try to finish my writing. 

    The fact is I didn't write the prescriptions. The fact is that if someone is improperly influenced and drugged, bad things can happen. The fact is, I was miseducated and pushed hard. And I made mistakes. I need to be realistic. Pressure can be dangerous. I'm being more careful with trust.

    OK, so my sleep and my focus aren't great and my regulation is still off. But I feel like I'm getting some traction in that I'm learning how other people are operating. They're starting to make a little more sense. Their patterns are a little more readable. That's a start.

Hypocrites

 

    They're always coming up with reasons to bury me and Molly. Hypocrites.

Ironic

    I've been noticing patterns. Now the Psychiatrists are running out of ideas. They're not focusing on hair color or Elle. Now they're alternating male/female. It's rather amusing if you stop and look at it. You do realize the problem goes well beyond me, yes? Y'all literally started it. You taught me the bullshit.

    Ok, maybe threatening to shoot myself in front of North Wing was a bit much. I'm just tired of my families fighting over who I am. 

    Maybe we're slow learners. But I think we're catching up with each other.

Are they trying to kill me?

    Why, no, the doctors don't want to kill me, they just don't know what they're doing. So, I have to help them understand...

Am I running out of Psychiatrists?

    Why yes, yes I am. Do I care? Hell no, I don't like them particularly much. Thing is, I know she's right. Cleaning up my professionals. One Doctor/Doctorate at a time.

From a Distance

     I can't be the same as I was. I can't be with the same people anymore. I can be there from a distance, or I can be different up close. From a distance, I am medically perfect. Up close, I am anything but perfect.

From a distance the world looks blue and green,
and the snow-capped mountains white.
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,
and the eagle takes to flight.
From a distance, there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,
it's the voice of every man.
From a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,
no hungry mouths to feed.
From a distance we are instruments
marching in a common band.
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.
They're the songs of every man.
God is watching us. God is watching us.
God is watching us from a distance.
From a distance you look like my friend,
even though we are at war.
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
what all this fighting is for??
From a distance there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,
it's the heart of every man.
It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching.
God is watching us from a distance.

Get Together

ADDITUDE on ADHD Treatment Via Caffeine

 Caffeine and ADHD: Is This Natural Treatment Safe & Effective?

Better Reasons to Support Darkness Until Dawn

    The better reasons to support Darkness Until Dawn include: learning how to avoid misusing drugs to numb or destroy yourself and others, learning what abuse looks like in all its forms, learning what toxic masculinity and toxic CBT look like, learning about boundaries... no charge, maybe a few ads if Adsense ever gets with the program. I'm losing patience. So tell everyone you know. Tell your dog. Tell your bartender. Tell the Chimpanzee at the zoo. Tell them about medicalized perfection and bad psychiatry. 

Medicine

     Truth is a potent elixir. The truth shall set you free, they say. Funny how no one says that the Clozaril will set you free. So, I mix my words, I balance the ingredients. And I count on my friends. My readers. To keep reading. To understand the dangers of Bad Psychiatry. Because it's out there, waiting to suck you in. The drugs are out there and readily stocked on shelves. Come and get it. 

Shadows

Dear Elle,

    I've had my dark moments. I do know anger. But I will protect you. I'll keep talking. They can't shut me up. They can't help but read. But they can't choose the words I say. They can't choose their facts. They can't bury it with money and reputation. Not so long as I breathe. People will know the work of the magic maker Prichards and his enablers. And I will keep you safe from all harm. And they can lie about me. But I will speak the truth, and they won't shut me up.

Yours,

Shadows

Brannon

    Ebbyday, dat Molly werks... ebbyday, Spidey weaves his cobwebs... waiting for di day dat my black widow arribes. Spidey keep his distance until people stop trying to step on me. Dey've gotten in a habit, so Spidey be patient. Wait until di all clear. Spidey berry patient.

Finish what I started

 

Dear coffee,

    So, this is me supposedly doing "the work". You know, confessing my sins worldwide. I got tired of hiding the truth behind bipolar. Hopefully, it's working. I'm getting too old for this. I need to change. I need to stop getting stuck. I was trying to please my families. Worked out great, didn't it? Now everyone is pissed and I'm broke and delusional. But when the psychologist says I have impaired recall, I believe her 100%. It's like saying that grass is green.

    Anyways, so Molly here decided to finish what Leaves started. The breaking up of my families. Telling you the truth. Getting me out of dysfunctional relationships and breaking the bubble of medicalized perfection. Yeah, if my memory was better, I could have moved. If I didn't, in fact, have DID, a very disabling and serious mental illness, I could have gotten out. It's a little late, I was miseducated. But I can still tell you the truth. The tale of a family that prefers to keep its faults behind a wall of medical lies. And, you know, I helped. I helped keep it buried. 

    I allowed the doctors to run me into the ground with the medications and the bullshit education on bipolar when I could have dealt with my emotions. I thought taking care of people was better, but perpetuating the lies has had costs. Truth is, there's a lot of problems. And labels like drug addict or bipolar don't even cover them up anymore. The medication trains don't cover them up. No, a lot of people are bitter. Not just me. The magic maker and his enablers... they're being exposed for the frauds that they were. 

    Now, someone else could have said something. Someone at MIP, or at CCBH, or in my families. No one did. No one did. They preferred the legend and the Bipolar Bullshit. They liked the magic maker. And I believed it. Now I'm learning to keep my distance. Just like you have. 

    I can only hope this message carries far and wide. To every corner and crevice in the world so that the lies have nowhere to hide: the enemy is the lies of Bipolar and the MagicMaker Prichards and those who enabled him. Spreading this message allows everyone who hears it to use this knowledge to keep themselves safe from the lies of medicalized perfection. I don't have enough metaphors for this shit. Pills don't work. Blaming me doesn't work. Creating a myth of drug addiction does not in fact work. The only thing that works is giving up the bullshit. Being decent human beings. Treating others with dignity and respect. So, I'll be limiting my time with my families and working on my memory and my thought cohesion. Just like you have limited your time with me. 

    I have to honor the work that Elle put in, that Leaves put in, that Molly put in. I have to say no to medicalized perfection. I have to say no to bad psychiatry. Too many people bled to get me here. I'm not buying the bullshit. I will get medical care when I need it. Period. End of story. I won't keep supporting enablers and liars and abusers. Which means less social time for now. Until I have more space from my families. Some people don't listen. So, I'm spreading the word far and wide to the ears that won't buy the bullshit. Some people I know are simply too proud and too rich to understand right and wrong. So, I'm doing this the hard way. I don't see how what happened wasn't criminal, but I'll settle for the bullshit ending. 

    That Molly's stubborn, yes? SO AM I. I get to tell my truth like everyone else. The sooner everyone gets with the program, stops spouting shit from their mouths, and starts acting right, the better for everyone. We're not quitting. Y'all can keep your bullshit going with other people. 

        I'll send the pain below.

Ashes

Spidey

Dey bedder be lice to Spidey. Spidey werked berry hard on dis.

The Storage Room

  

Dear Elle,

    I can't stay here forever. I don't know where to go. I just know I have to go. 

    Is it my fault that you're inspiring? And you never even knew. For 23 years, you never knew. Not until that last day. You see, Leaves had told me. She said, you should tell her. And so, when I came back, after all that time, that last time... I remember writing the note in the hospital. I remember asking you to talk. 

    You took me into that storage room. The nursing interview room. I don't remember what the note said. Something about you watching over me. Mentioning your name in the ER was a mistake, by the way. I don't know exactly what they thought of my trauma list. They weren't thrilled. Anyways. That's when I told you about Leaves and read the note to you. I gave it to you and you slipped it up your sleeve. You know one of the nurses in the ER was like, yeah he's got pretty words but... 

    I remember the nurses coming, trying to pull you away, and you wouldn't let them. I'm glad you were there. 

    Anyways, now everyone knows. 

Yours,

Ashes

Remembering

 

Dear Elle,

    I know it must seem strange that I write. But there's a lot I haven't said. While it was ill advised to contact you, I did what I did. It is done. I held onto to some words for many years. Now you have most. Let me add a few more. 

    I met you in '97. It was night. I was standing in line at the old medication window, lost in my thoughts. Black as night. So very lost. So far away that I was barely still alive, barely still on earth. I could show you the exact spot. A voice came alive, warm and kind. Gentle. And still, I was far, yet I could not help but think to myself... I need to know this voice. There you were. There you were. I remember you said I must be new, you asked my name. you gave me yours. you told me about your family, your kids, and there I felt safe, and didn't want to leave. 

    There's reasons I'm still here. They talk about healing, about moving on. I don't understand what that looks like exactly. I'm trying to understand. But I can't forget. I can't. I don't have it in me to forget. Some days it's like sitting in stasis. But the days change. And people move on. And I have to understand where I go from here. I know it's people like you that keep me here. 

Yours,

Ashes

Fall is not far. It reminds me of my old friend. I met her in late august, I believe. She is Leaves of September...

I’ve forgotten only what I want to remember

I’m trying so hard to recall that September

When we were building the world anew

You saw everything in me, and I in you.

 

You taught my eyes and mind to see

A world, the same, but differently

You showed me how to trust myself

Instead of trying to be someone else.

 

And though you saw that me so clearly

And helped me to try to simply be

You didn’t see what was before you

Or the entirety of what you signed up for

 

Now I know I must remember

And blow to life hope’s dying ember

There is so much that I’ve forgotten of that fall

The Good, along with all that I don’t wish to recall

 

I’ve forgotten the smiles, both mine and yours

Yet I remember the goodbyes, all the more

All of the big things, small things, and more

I remember the sorrow and have forgotten the joy

 

I know you’re still out there!

And I wonder, am I?

I wonder what happens after goodbye?

 

Do you remember,

Can you remind me?

What do I do…

when only sorrow finds me?

 

Tell me my friend,

Help me remember

I need to find my way back

To the me of September

 

Soon the leaves will change my friend

Can I build that world again?

And be the person I want to remember

And find my way back to the me of September

 

I think that you know

Can you remind me?

What do I do

To remember, to find me?

 

Once you opened my eyes anew

And showed me a world I never knew

But then you disappeared so fast

And I crashed right back into the past.

I found myself lost within a dream

My consciousness, a memory stream

 

And I miss you when the skies are light

And I miss you when they’re dark

 

I want to be that me again

I wish you would remind me

I’ll try to be that me alone

I hope that I can find me

©️ 2020, Accountec, LLC

Mood Stabilizer

Dear Elle,

Did you ever know? Did you ever realize how much you meant to me? Can you understand that? You were my Lithium. So long as you were near, I felt calm. 

Ashes

Gus

Dear Gus,

You may not remember me, but I remember you. I met you before I met Elle or Anna. You were my tech back in the nineties in one of my first stints at MIP. You were with me on suicide watch. I remember you because you used to give me writing prompts before my writing started scaring the workers. You had brown hair and a mustache. Glasses. You were quiet. Cheerful. I haven't seen you in decades. I'm sorry yall couldn't fix me. But... it was nice knowing you.

Ashes

Spidey Here

    Ebbyone, back away from di arachnid! Spidey's not angwy ennymore. 'Sides, cobwebs to weave, black widow to pind. 

Resource for cPTSD

 Beauty After Bruises

I'm coming back to reality, but if the hospital wants to help, they need to work with my LPC, not against.

Chaos

 

My life truly has been chaotic. That said, after consulting with Psychiatrist A, who talked to Psychiatrist B, who sympathized with LPC B's fight with Psych A, and having LPC B consult with LPC A, then bouncing to Psychiatrist C, who moved me to Psychiatrist D, inbetween bouncing between Psych hospitals A, B and C... we may finally be getting somewhere, Though Psy .D. has still not talked to 

LPC B. 

This really is annoying. 

Anyone else on the East Coast got an opinion?

Meanwhile I'm trying to coordinate DUD with Accountec to get all my tax and organizational documents in place. 

Under the belt

Dear coffee,

So the journey continues. Tell everyone I said hi. Another counseling session under the belt, and it seems like the plan is clear. I'll be staying on the outside. I might try the outpatient program one more time. Work out some kinks. Im going to have to dedicate some time to promoting trauma research and resources. We need to learn. 

All my best,

Ashes

Wanted: Read or Blondely Alive

    Wanted: One Black Widow, for mating and related activities, nest building, cobweb spinning, and other duties as required. Must have excellent communication skills, a sense of humor, and a down-to-earth personality. Nursing or doctorate degree a plus. Interest in History or video games a plus. No kickers, biters, or yellers. 

    Please submit letter of inquiry to ashesndust@outlook.com. Serious inquiries only. 

What Spidey Tink

    What Spidey dudent understand is WHY ALL DEESE HUMANS TRYING TO STEP ON ME????? Spidey make nice cobwebs. Berry nice.

    Today, I took some time to restore my lantern. Maybe a little metal polish to finish it off. Then I'm going to put a scented candle inside. Put it on the mantel.

Idea

    I think I realized how I got off track with the hospital. I got too focused on the legal threats. What I need is that sense of humor. It's all about the focus. I need to focus on some joy and some humor, not a regimented idea of taking exactly this medicine at this time, etc.

Sarah

 Dear Elle,

    I've been working on getting this place in order. Have you played tennis? I used to enjoy hitting the ball around. That was before I got into pickleball. I've been having trouble motivating. It's just not the same anymore. But I try to remember your example. 

    The girls are so much fun. Everyday, we get together... Jess does cartwheels and handstands, plays games with the others. Jenn contemplates the greater mysteries... sometimes we take a break and go out. Ashes got some new lighters for the incense, thinks about burning down hospitals. It's great. We try to discourage him. Vlad's always flying around, trying to keep everyone on the same page... We've been having trouble writing. I think we got off track with the hospital. They don't like DID so much. 

    It's really a relief to open up sometimes, let us all out. We just be ourselves. Hard to do that in the real world. That's why we need to stay out of hospitals. I hope you are well.

Love,

Sarah

Good Wednesday Greenville County

     This is yor FABORITE arachnid, SPIDEY! I'll be yor host for today's edition of DarknessUntilDawn!

    In Healthcare News, five days ago, an outpatient hospital was approved for Patewood drive. It will be focused on providing top notch, quality care for non-overnight hospital stays.

    More then 100,000 South Carolinians could lose health coverage due to a loss of health care subsidies in the federal budget. 

    Onto di wedder, the heat wave will be continuing until the end ob di day. Stay hydrated and watch your sun exposure!

    Best wishes and stay safe Greenville!